Like sands through the hourglass...

After what turned into a shitty night/morning, followed by a shitty shitty day at work (on just a few hours of attempted sleep, no less), and a boring and irritating rehearsal, my day has just made a complete 180.

    I got a call from the deceased landlord's wife, and she said I don't have to move out and she'll bring me a new lease to sign next week. Awesome. I got a letter in the mail from ATC saying I am accepted into the Veterinary Technology program starting this fall. More awesome. I feel like maybe things might start falling into place.

   And honestly, there may even be some good that comes from the shitty events of last night/morning because I made it clear that I wasn't going to stay in limbo much longer. I said we've been doing this back-and-forth for far too long, and that he needs to decide what he wants. Soon. Because I feel that if it's that hard of a decision after all this time, than it just won't ever work. If you still don't know if you want me or not, you probably don't. And if you don't, let it be done with. So yeah, I may not get my way on this one, and it will hurt all over again, but at least I'll be sure of my (emotional) freedom again.
    No good comes from the Grill, though. I can't bullshit myself that much.

Things I Need: 
- a laptop
- a car
- lots and lots o'money. to pay for school-related things. time to research loans.
- a few vaccines. i have to get the rabies vaccine. i DON'T like needles.
- a job. that doesn't blow. nights and weekends.
Things I Want:
- see previous list
- more shit. too much to list probably. and not terribly interesting.

Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Streusel Swirl. Pure genius. Thanks to both Ben and Jerry. And guess what? I'm eating some BEFORE I make dinner. So there.

I will not go shopping today.

I feel like I'm living in a state of suspension right now... like I jumped into a vat of Jell-O right before it was finished setting, and am now hung up somewhere in the middle. Surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and variables. In the case of the Jell-O analogy, the 'unknowns' would be those chunks of unrecognizable fruit most people seem to eat around (whose idea was this? Gelatin salad? No.). I guess the variables would be whether you were getting Red or Green flavored Jell-O today... hmmm. Thinking about it now, I doubt we were getting actual Jell-O. Ahhh... Red-flavored gelatin dessert with fruit chunks; such a staple of the elementary school cafeteria tray.


   Still no final word on the school thing. I'm accepted to the college itself, but am still awaiting acceptance/denial from the program. I should hear something within the next two weeks, but I am impatient. If this doesn't happen, I've got a lot of things to think about. Things I need to stop putting off. Like, you know, life.

I have gotten myself into a little bit of a pickle. Har har... I suppose I'll keep with the theme of this here blog, and use another food analogy to describe my situation:
   You stop at the Golden Panty for a snack, but you've never been in this particular Panty before, so you're not sure if they have what you want. But, you already know that you want the Cheddar Cheese/Pretzel Combos. On the way in, you see the Reese's Pieces up front, so you know you have other options. But before anything else, you want those Combos. You head back to the snack aisle, and:
   (A) They have your Combos! You buy them and get the hell out of there before someone tries to sell you crack or steal your wallet.
   (B) They have Combos, but only the Nacho/Pretzel and the nasty Pizza/Cracker ones. Not exactly what you were looking for, but still Combos. You go ahead and get the N/P ones, but maybe pick up the Reese's Pieces too, for just in case.
   (C) They have the other Combos, or they don't have them at all. You say "Fuck it" and just take your chances with the Reese's Pieces or maybe that Three Musketeers. But you may regret not getting the N/P Combos later. Because after all, what you really wanted was Combos.
   My problem is that I haven't yet made it back to the snack aisle. I'm still standing by the magazine rack, checking out the latest Auto Trader. I can see the Combos section and know the Panty has them, but can't read the packaging to know if they have exactly what I want. I can also see the candy by the register. And now I can't decide what to do. In short, I know I want Combos, but if that can't happen, I don't want to go hungry either.

   I am concerned that there may end up being weirdness with my current house. I've been living here two years already, and had already informed the landlord that as long as they weren't going to raise my rent, I was planning on staying. A week and a half ago, my landlord died. I didn't find this out until this past Tuesday when the new Flagpole came out, and there was a whole page remembrance of him printed. I haven't heard from his wife yet in regards to what they plan on doing with his rental properties, and I don't feel it is appropriate for me to call and bug her with my concerns quite yet, since her concerns are much more important. For now I will wait it out and see. I know they won't screw me over, but damn, does moving suck.
  
Come to the 40 Watt on Saturday. We've (The Dictatortots) got a show.
  
It has been overcast for part of today. I know the radar is clear, but a little rain would be nice. Just a good afternoon shower. I think it's not to be.
  
Time for me to clean my house!  

What is it with cats and boxes?

Crisis averted re: the last blog. Hopefully my quick attention to the matter will override any ill impressions made.

So nice outside. Too bad a large chunk of today will be spent on The Bus going to The Store to buy The Cat

Food.

Ooops. Figures that would happen that way.

New pillows! Now I won't wake up every morning with my bed looking like I've massacred a goose.

I've got a new drawering on my arm. But it's not washing off anytime soon. Thanks Sara! (and Ren, but I didn't have to use yours this time...)

I could really use some dental insurance. And to win the lottery.

That is all.

God's way of telling me to just give up.

Why is it always something? Why can't things go smoothly for me just once? I've done everything I was supposed to do. It's the parts that are mostly out of my control that may just be the wrench in the gears. In short, I might have just gotten F'ed in the A.

Do I cry? Get so hammered I don't think about it? Or just not give a shit about anything anymore? All three fit but I can't decide.

All I know is that I am fucking freaking out right now.

Too far gone?

I couldn't see how this could be a good idea. But I thought I'd give it a shot. It did seem like too much too fast. A little over a week later, I'm already feeling the damage. I must take a few steps back, or everything I've worked for over the past 6 months will go out the window.

Writer's Block

Well, not that I've ever fancied myself any sort of writer. As a matter of fact, I usually only write things when I'm required to do so by some outside force. I'll get to that in a minute. I'm not creative. Or insightful. I blather along, spewing out in readable form the mental diarrhea that occurs every few days. The only reason people read these blogs (not just mine, but blogs in general. At least blogs in general like mine...) is because humans are voyeuristic creatures, and the online/public journal allows them to 'peek in the windows' in a way. Without being labeled a creep, since the invitation to peek is openly extended and the action encouraged. Instead of being a Peeping Tom, you're simply an Audience Member. I am just as 'guilty' (that word doesn't really fit since there can't be guilt involved in an activity that isn't wrong) as the next guy of this type of voyeurism. I enjoy reading even the most mundane of blogs, even those belonging to people I don't know. I can spend hours looking at other peoples' online photo albums. If someone were to invite me into their house just to have a look around, I might take them up on the offer (unless they seemed like the type to toss me down the basement stairs, etc. etc. etc... I try to stay away from those people).

But, my point here is that the online/public journal, blog, whatever, is a SPECTACULAR form of procrastination. I can put off so many things I need to be getting done by either reading or writing these things. And that is what I am doing right now. And now. Yup, still doing it.

The outside force causing me to write something (not this blog, procrastination has caused me to write this, the devil) is Athens Technical College. More specifically, my chosen program of study is responsible. They have two rounds of admissions, and for the second round, I'm required to write a 500 word personal statement detailing my understanding of the job I may have in the future, my previous experience in this field, and why it is I've decided to study this and take this career path. It's a bullshit essay. And it's been so long since I've written something like this, I can't figure out how to start. I need to mail it off to them on Thursday, though, so I guess I better get on it. Blech. Wish me luck.  

My New Career Objective

Goodbye Grill, Hello...

I mean, shit. I have thousands of these things right? And it's no big secret that I sure as hell aren't using them. May as well get paid.



Because you know the eggs of a 5' tall, 26-yr-old pot-smoking alcoholic with only slightly above-average intelligence, a family history of depression and cancer and fuck-upery, and no marketable skills have to be worth a CRAPLOAD!!