Nine to five, living lies

Everyone's taking everything they can, everything they can.
Everyone's taking everything they can, everything they can.
Do you believe what you feel? It doesn't seem to be anybody else agrees with me.
Do you you believe what you see? Emotion is sweet, nothing is real. Wasting my time in the waiting line. Do you believe in what you see?


Been a few weeks. Not that it's that imperative that I write on this thing. I don't write things that make people think, things that discuss the hot-button issues or political hogwash; I don't write for you, I write for me. Which is why it's usually a downer. Because I have a tendency to write only when I'm unhappy. Hey, most people I know think I'm horribly negative, which is a testament to me being a pessimist. Though I like to think of it as me being a realist. But don't worry, I'm not about to go jump off any bridge or anything like that. I may eat a bunch of ice cream, or drink a lot of beer, but that's as self-destructive as I get... And I wasn't unhappy before, but I am now because I had this shit all done, and then MySpace decided to be a little bitch and not save it. So all my uh, 'work' was lost. I'm going to try to recreate it as best as my impaired brain will allow.

Yes, this is a chemically-induced post (multiple glasses of merlot and a recently-found-but-few-years-old valium), rather than a sadness-induced post so keep in mind it will just be a bunch of random shit. Stuff won't go together. Stuff in life rarely goes together, so it'll be just like a normal day or conversation then, huh? Either way, deal. Or don't read it. It won't hurt my feelings if you take off now, for real. Anyway, on with the blabbering...
 
Dear Schwinn: I'm sorry that I damaged you. I guess I just don't know my own strength when I'm drunk. I never meant to hurt you, and I really miss you now as it takes me a lot longer to get to places. Though I have ridden you briefly since then, it's very scary. I would completely understand if you threw me to the pavement in retribution for my shitty treatment towards you. But please don't. I may be able to have you healed, and if not, you will be allowed to retire.
 
Tonight when I decided to briefly ride my crippled bike (to the liquor store of all places), I saw a large bird fly from the ground to a tree in my neighbor's yard. I stopped because I wanted to see what it was. This is what it was:

Isn't he beautiful? I got so excited because I haven't seen a owl in person in ages. This would be the highlight of my day, really.

Another highlight is that my Halloween costume is almost complete. Only a few things left, which require hearing back from others, so I feel good about it. Either way, it'll be funny.

Sigh. Someday, someday. These are words I hear/see a lot lately. What I can't figure out is if this is a promise of things to come in the future, or a Band-Aid of sorts for my heart. I had a dream last night where we were having so much fun together, and then you suddenly kissed me and told me you loved me. I was so happy when I woke up, until I realized it was just a dream and not real in the least.

Oliver is growing nicely. I wish he were as affectionate as Joe or Saide, but he's very well behaved (other than the usual kitten hyjinks). Oli's also taken a severe liking to Joe, who would rather just be left alone. Luckily, Joe is also very tolerant. I woke up this morning to find Joe cuddled up with me, and Oli cuddled up with Joe. Joe actually had his front leg/paw around Oli. It was so cute I almost puked.

My new haircolor (fishbowl) is awesome, but fading much faster than I'd like.

Dear Dictatortots: Please let us know when you decide not to have practice. I had to haul ass to get home from a shopping trip in order to get there on time. But, we showed up to find the practice space devoid of other band members, and also devoid of most of the quipment that's usually in there. I do hope this was caused by you taking it to the Roadhouse shows, and not by some thug attempting to finance his meth habit.

You. Cold. Yeah, you. You can fuck right off. I want my summer back. Hey Cold, Iceland called. It misses you. Iceland says that they've taken Bjork and her swan dress hostage, and if you don't return to Iceland in the next three days, Iceland's gonna feed the swan to the fishes. And Bjork too.

Everyone who is available need to go to trivia on Monday. I won't be playing, but I'll be there. I'm taking over the scorekeeping duties for this week since Kevin will be out of town. And DRESS UP! It's the night before Halloween, which in this town means that it's just Halloween week, where you dress up every day...

Huh, ok, there was a lot more, but since it all got flushed down the inter-toilet, this is all I can come up with now. If more strikes my brain later, I'll addendum it. Until then, kiddies...


EDIT: Here it is, over a week later, and I look and see that this was posted twice. I mean, I know I have a tendency to be redundant, but come on... I deleted the extra, so I lost your comment, Laura. Thanks though!

The moon undoes it all

I've been playing a kind of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde game for a couple months now. When I'm out, I fake it. Once home, the effort of maintaining the facade leaves me exhausted, and everything I was attempting to ignore comes at me with double the vengence. Even more so when I try to sleep. I think my pillow now contains enough salt to kill every slug in my neighborhood. That's a lot of slugs... I often see them because they break into my house.


   Today I had a moment where, as inconsequential as I am in this world, it seemed that someone had taken notice of my existence in a very small way. However, I was proven wrong. Turned out they thought I was someone else. And we were both embarrassed- he because of his mistake, and me because for once I thought I had made a small impression with merely my regular habits.
  
My life is a perpetual good-bye to objects and people, that often do not pay the least attention to my bitter, brief, insane salutation.
                           -Vladimir Nabokov
   

The other night I out-of-the-blue dropped a bit of a bomb. This was horribly difficult for me to do, which is why it took so long, but I couldn't think of anything else that could possibly work to convey what I'd failed at communicating in the past. It was the only hope I had; I suppose a last-ditch effort of sorts. I managed to make a blubbering fool of myself, though I'm only slightly embarrassed about that. Because it was important. Maybe one of the most important things I've ever done. I just hope that it being a little late doesn't make it all in vain.
 

Tomorrow: Georgia vs. Tennessee aka Service Industry Hell.

it's october

Autumn has arrived. It's chilly enough at night that I had to start closing my windows so I wouldn't wake up freezing at 4am. Even though there are three of them, my cats are not an acceptable substitute for the comforting warmth of another human being. Unfortunately, I have no applicants for that position. And even if I did, there isn't anyone (else) I'd want there. That's the thing with fall; the nights are cold, but it's beautiful during the day, with perfect temperatures and breezes and often sunshine. Today is no exception. Why am I inside then? I won't be for much longer... downtown beckons, with it's people-watching and coffee and book-reading and food and and and. I want to transport myself back in time about 3 months so I can do things right. Though it didn't seem like it, I really was happier then.