Sunday, March 27, 2011

Targeted Marketing... Nice Try, But No Cigar

These days, no matter what site you go to on the internet more often than not there are advertisements. Those pop-up ads are irritating as hell, though most annoying are those ads that are small and unassuming and generally off to one side that automatically expand and play some mini-commercial complete with sound whenever you accidentally mouse over them. Every time you mouse over them. Sometimes their placement is pretty much in the way, and to avoid seeing the damn thing for the fifth time you have to navigate your cursor across the page much like the little steel ball in one of those infuriating labyrinth games. The people who create these things can go to hell. So can that stupid labyrinth game with its too-many holes and impossible control knobs and too-tilty playing surface. Anyway... I digress...

Then there are the ads of the New Age Big Brother type. The kind that are able to pick up on certain phrases or words that you use often. These ads are considered to be more smartly targeted to you, the consumer, since they are supposedly showing you things and services you obviously can not live without since It (the all-knowing advertising deity) knows for a fact that you once did a Google image search for "cat butt photos", read a humor article that contained a link to an entire blog centered around photos of 'cyclist bulge', and bought a pair of shoes off eBay. It knows all sorts of stuff about all of us. Or so It thinks It does... These targeted ads show up in all sorts of applications- Gmail, Facebook, MySpace (does that still exist?); pretty much anything you sign into. I viewed my own Facebook profile today, and this is what It thinks of me:
Hmmm.
Let's see how close they are... 

I have no desire to be a social worker. Never mentioned such a thing. I know a couple people that are/were one, though. Plus WTF is up with that baby?? Is it stuffed? Being goosed? Or just shocked that It would ever offer a social work program to a vulgar mess like me? 

I'm not looking for an apartment. But I do live in one on TV.

Yes, I'm single. Jesus. Quit reminding me, ass. But I'm not sure this website would give me much luck finding a compatible partner. I'm not Catholic. I live in Georgia. Unless this is It's way of telling me that my possible dating-pool has shrunk from 'above-ground 3-foot-deep inflatable quick-set model from Walmart' size to 'cereal bowl I left outside that got rained in yesterday' size, and that I better just auction myself off to the handful of desperate Catholic men living in a sparsely populated state 3500 miles from here. Like a mail-order bride without the customs problems.

Game over, try again.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Hood Rant From A 'Hood Rat

So I have to say a few things about this whole 'Cop Killer' fiasco... and since it might happen, flame away. I get to moderate all my comments anyway, and my blog is not a democracy.

Anyone who lives in or around the Athens area knows what I'm talking about. Hell, all of Georgia knows what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Jamie Hood. THE Jamie Hood... a 33-year-old man who, until Tuesday, was just another black guy living on the east side of downtown Athens. On Tuesday, Hood allegedly committed a carjacking. Cops were called, they went after him/the car. That car was pulled over; the driver was compliant. Hood then stepped out of the passenger side and fired on the cop. That cop was injured, and is still hospitalized. Hood ran, and while running came up on another cruiser with a cop in the driver's seat. Hood fired into the car, killing that officer. He then carjacked another car, and then all hell breaks loose. Manhunt ensues. The car is found empty, leading police to believe that Hood is now on foot, armed, crazed, and who the fuck knows what he'll do. Obviously everyone who has ever known him is surely helping him evade... Schools in Clarke AND surrounding counties go on lock-down. For the next three days, this is the only thing Athens is talking about.

I'm not even entirely sure what the point of my post is. I'm not trying to be self-righteous or defend one position over another. I guess it's just another rant that comes from my "I'm kinda old and I don't give a FUCK what you think about what I say!!" mentality. But I did notice some things about people when something like this happens. And honestly, the things I noticed irritated me to no end.

The biggest thing I noticed while all this was going on was exactly how damn voyeuristic our society is. People wanted to know what was going on with this story up-to-the-second. They wanted live tv and police scanner feeds to show them everything; they all want the newest info first. They want to be the first to tweet these developments, to post them on Facebook, to prove they are completely In The Know. I'm not hating; I am just as nosy as the rest of you. But really- it became all-consuming for many people. But this isn't what really got me ranting....

The next thing that comes to mind is the absolute bullshit "solidarity" that Americans always do whenever there is any sort of tragedy like this. In this case, it was a rally of public service support- 'liking' ACCPD on Facebook, pledging to wear black in remembrance of the officer that was killed, liking/posting links asking for support of completely ludicrous bills that would make the killing of a police officer consequentially worse than the killing of any other human being (are you fucking kidding me? One life is more valuable than another? One deserves the death penalty automatically, even for an attempt at murder, but everyone else is chopped liver? Seriously. Go fuck yourself, author of that bill. A life is a life is a life. Donning a uniform doesn't increase net worth, just as being a poor homeless man doesn't cause worthlessness. What that bill basically says is that if I knowingly take a high-risk job and get killed in the line of duty, my life is worth more as far as the consequences for taking it go than if I keep my job in the office of a brewery and some douchenozzle I've never met blows me away in a gas station robbery or home invasion. Administrative assistants are much fewer points than cops, for you Death Race 2000 fans), joining groups in support of public safety branches, doing 'chain' statuses proclaiming your love of those who protect and serve ("copy and paste if you are or know someone who has served their community!") or simply beating the issue into the ground twice over and every 2 minutes with their own-authored statuses, leaving self-righteous comments on others' pages in response to totally unrelated updates/posts that insinuate that they (the comment poster) are so much more concerned with these current events than everyone else and Why The Hell Aren't You Thinking/Posting About This One Thing Constantly Instead Of Continuing To Live Your Own Life Outside Of The Actions Of Others You Un-American Selfish Bastard! Good grief. Facebook? Really? This is where you're going to work on changing the world? Idiocy. "Oooo! I'm a Good Person! I Liked that on Facebook. Now it's official! And all the others who didn't Like it... crappy people!"

And don't even get me started on the total hypocrisy let loose in comment after comment. Those who on their info pages identify themselves as Christian people-lovers and who have Bible quotes and talk about praying and God and how He is judger of all and blah blah blah things I don't believe in anyway since I'm a soulless heathen.... then turn around and basically pronounce how they think the cops should just shoot the guy, no questions, no trial, no nothing. No kidding. One example is a comment (from someone that I am not 'friends' with, nor would I ever want to be at this point) left in response to my contact's status update of "Jamie Hood surrendering on live TV! Thank you Jesus!", the response of which said, "he wants to surrender "live" on the 11 o'clock news.... I think "live" should be a relative comment". I went to this poster's page, and listed under the Activities and Interests section of her Info page is "Let's see how many true Christians are on FB! Press Like if Jesus is your Savior!". Well, lady, I think you better keep trying. Because all the Sunday school in the world has yet to teach you much at all. With that one comment, this kind Christian woman committed TWO of the seven deadly sins (Wrath and Pride, for those who are wondering). If I could be like Betelgeuse and 'throw' a zipper at the mouths of these people I would. No, not the zipper. That metal plate that silences Barbara towards the end, just before the sand worm comes from nowhere to save the day... yeah, that's what I want.

Regardless, all of this is just Armchair Activism, and it means absolutely nothing. The other part of this phenomenon are the real things (i.e. not internet) that will happen; the promise of increased budget and support of our police departments and jails and other public safety branches by local politicians, the candlelight vigils held for the victims, the citizen outcry/whining about how our dear city has been overrun by criminals, the opinion articles published in the local paper calling for the suspect to be drawn and quartered, and the counter-point articles published afterwards that claim the suspect is a product of a dysfunctional family/community/school system/legal system/brain function/socioeconomic class system/whatever and that The Man did this to him and it's not his fault. Also total crap. Because in a week or so, Charlie Sheen will resurface and say some other nutjob shit and that will capture the attention of us Americans and Oooooo Shiny!!!!

One thing I really am not going to get started on is the fact that Hood was so fearful of being beaten or simply gunned down by the police that he refused to surrender until it was broadcast on live television. And I don't blame him.

The last thing that came out is that people often do refuse to look at the whole picture, and instead feel societally required to take one side or the other. Many were completely against Hood. They called him crazy, psychotic. While he was running, they assumed he was going to go on a rampage and shoot any and all that ended up within his peripheral vision. Once way back when he robbed a pizza guy so he did have a history, after all. Schools were put on lock-down, events cancelled, all focus went on finding this beast.
Others went the bleeding-heart route. He had a rough upbringing. Fell in with bad crowds. His brother was killed by ACC police. He did a long 12 years jail time for a robbery that got him a total of $3. Socioeconomically and racially he was doomed from the start. The Man did this to him.

The thing is, it's a sad story all around. He did have a hard time growing up. That can screw people up. He got into drugs. That can screw people up. His brother was shot and killed by ACC police. That can screw people up, and turn them into cop-haters. He did spend a long time in prison for a robbery that only got him $3. But the fact of the matter on that one is that his charge was for armed robbery, a felony. Because he put a gun into the face of that pizza guy to get those $3. It was just Hood's bad luck that he picked someone with nothing to take. His sentence did fit the crime. But yes, jail can and often does screw a person up. None of this gave him an excuse for what he did. He is an adult with sound mind, and no matter how bad things have been, he had to know going into this that it could and most likely would end badly.

But it appears that lots of people forget that Hood is a human being, just as those two police officers are human beings, and all three of these people have family and friends who love them, and all three of them also have things and people that they love and things that they fear. All of these people have had nightmares. All of these people have cried over something.

 Everyone in this situation has lost something major. Officer Christian lost his life. His wife lost a husband. His children lost a father. Officer Howard lost a coworker. He has also no doubt lost a sense of security in life as well as gained some fear in working his job. Jamie Hood lost his freedom for the second and most likely final time, and possibly his life. Hood's parents lost another son. Luckily no one else was lost in this whole sad mess. Because to everyone closely involved, it's enough loss for a lifetime.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Status Updates That Make Me Reconsider The Sixth Commandment

Welcome to the Digital Age. Now that we're living in The Future, pretty much all human interaction is done via zeros and ones. People have entire conversations via text instead of calling them up and saving 15 minutes. People walk into traffic because they are too consumed with checking in to their newest location. I spent four hours in a van today coming back from Savannah, and two people in the van did not look up from their respective screens the entire time, minus pee breaks and the stop at Dairy Lane in Sandersville. And we learn about what's new in our friends' lives through tweets and status updates instead of, you know, actually fucking hanging out with them. But here's the thing... I, and many others, don't care to know every little mundane detail of your life. Yeah, I update mine too, but some things are just not status-worthy. Because I don't give a rat's ass, and neither do lots of other people. So, here are the status updates/news feed items that I don't give a shit about (or that irritate the ever-living piss out of me). In no particular order:

Yappy McTweeterson  just got out of bed. -about an hour ago
Yappy McTweeterson Is eating a bagel for breakfast!!!1! -52 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson nothing better than a nice morning poop. -48 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson getting ready to go to work. Bah! Fuck the Man!- 35 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson just got to work. Can't wait until 5pm! -15 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson I wish my office had decent coffee. Too bad my asshole boss is such a cheapskate.- 12 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson is in a super-boring meeting...blah blah blah... Inbox me! -6 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson uhoh i think the bossjust caught me on my ipohne... -4 minutes ago
RECENT ACTIVITY
Yappy McTweeterson has left his job at Cubicle Farm. -1 minute ago

OMFG. Yes, Facebook is for social networking. No, it's not Twitter. So don't treat your status like Twitter. Because you're flooding my news feed, and I probably don't like you enough to know what you're doing every 5 minutes. It's a status update, not a real-time ticker tape of your miserable existence. You are not that important, no matter how many times they told you you were special when you were little. High probability of getting 'hidden'.


Overpromoting Parent My kid! My kid! My kid! Photo of my kid! Vote for my kid! My kid! More photos of my kid doing the same thing as in the other photo! My kid! MORE SPECIALER THAN YOUR KID/LIFE/ANYTHING EVARRRR!!!! MYYYYYY KIIIIDDDD!!!! -birth of kid ago ad nauseum

I get it. You are super happy with your kid. You think it's the cutest thing ever. Everything it does is genius. Cool, I can dig why you feel that way. It's a big part of your life. But I really hope you do or think about at least one other thing a week. Because you don't ever talk about anything else, which causes me to worry that you might have an unhealthy obsession. And besides, not to be mean, but you're boring the shit out of the rest of us and/or giving us fodder to make fun of you. Really. Here's a blog about it.


PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack ran 1 mile today. -14 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack did chest and arms at the gym tonight, and ran on the treadmill for 3 minutes. -9 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack made a delish stirfry with three peanuts, a celery stick, and some fish scales in a wonderful and fat-free Olestra sauce. Only 30 calories, but really negative calories since it'll just go right through me!!!! This diet thing is easy! -7 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack my diet and training is finally paying off!! Down 2 pounds since Christmas. But many more to go. More work to be done. -5 hours ago

Ok. I know when someone has struggled with their weight for a while, having a support group with similar experiences to share the small victories can be extremely helpful and encouraging. That's why they make these groups. Facebook isn't one. Just like Overpromoting Parent, when all someone talks about is their workouts and diet plans I think, "Holy Hell. Shut up. You ran yesterday. No big deal. You are dull.' and I have to restrain the sarcastic ass in me from commenting on the awesome donut I just ate and how their whole-wheat pasta and sugar/meat/dairy/gluten/soul-free meal could not have tasted that good because I've had it and it sucks.

MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl------>WASS UP FbOOKii??!? FOLLOW ME @ TWITTER.......................................... -yesterday
MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl~~goin 2ATL.... hittin up da club!!! InBoX mE iF u WaNnA cUm WiT uSsSs!! -20 hours ago
MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl<<<<U don no ME! How u gon Judge---GROW-UP! *singin* ain't no1 gon brake my stride, nobodi's gon SLOOOOWWW me down, Oh No! I got 2 keep on MoViN!! ##GOOD ADVISE##

Absofuckinglutely unforgivable. I mean really. I want to remove my eyeballs with sporks when I see this. Unless you are below the legal driving age there is no excuse for you to be typing this way. There is no excuse for such poor spelling and grammar. Did you graduate from high school? Did you graduate from college? Are you working in a real workplace as some form of a 20-30 something professional? THEN STOP THIS. You don't look cool for being down with the hip lingo. You sound/look like a lobotomized chimpanzee. Facebook gives you enough characters to form complete words. AND complete sentences. Lay off the 'creative' capitalization and for fuck's sake, spell the words you learned in 4th grade correctly. Half the time I have no clue what the hell you're talking about. And these are the people that are also most often guilty of the "I'm'a pose in my car or in front of a mirror throwing signs/making the duckface/ "looking sexy" (aka foolish) and take a pic of myself with my iPhone and everyone will see how gangsta/constipated/"sexy" I am and how clever I am that I took my own photo and see, there in the mirror is my phone so everyone knows I was posing FOR MYSELF" profile photo. And they post these photos of themselves to their walls, and your news feeds, constantly. I lose it on these. STABBY.


Optimistic Fatalist We need more money! Our car is getting sick! We can take donations here... it's just so hard right now. How can we make more money?? But we will survive! -Wednesday
Optimistic Fatalist is sick again. Maybe this time they'll find out what's wrong. I have to have a minor procedure done!!! FML. But we have each other... heart! -Friday
Optimistic Fatalist I looovve my wife/boyfriend/shackup buddy soooooo much!! He/She/It is going to drive me to my minor procedure. 4 days and counting!! Oh no! Hope I get through it ok. -18 hours ago 
Optimistic Fatalist Just don't know where it all goes. Why is it like this? Why does it have to be SO HARD for us??? But I'm strong, and I'll keep chuggin'! -about a minute ago


Hmmm.... this one actually gave me some trouble. Not sure that the name is entirely accurate. But this person almost always does the negative-positive update. The inspiration for my hatred of this kind of update has a rotating selection of about 4 different updates, all with the whine factor followed by something just awesome to him. But gets old when it's always the same. Plus, from my vantage point these folks are generally actually doing pretty ok. So, you're broke. Me too. In this town, that's pretty common. Hell, at least you own/have a house. Someone was rude to you. Also common. But you have a significant other that thinks you're the tits. A lot of people don't have that. You don't feel well. I'm sorry. But also common. You have to get a colonoscopy? Eek, sorry, dude! But you'll live and you don't need to mention it every 7 minutes for a week straight. And all these are fine to update with, but it becomes monotonous and annoying when they're the only things you ever say. I don't hide this type, but tend to start ignoring their posts.


Vaguey McSongLyric Three great things today!! I'm on an upswing.
Vaguey McSongLyric "Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand." -Saturday
Vaguey McSongLyric once again i suffer a dream lost.......... -Monday
Vaguey McSongLyric  "When I get home I turn off the alarm, I've checked the phone, no messages on. I play the ones from yesterday. I play your song just to hear you say that; You, you're the lonely one." sigh -5 hours ago
Vaguey McSongLyric Thanks to my friends for the love. I will be ok. -1 hour ago


This one is also hard to comment on, because everyone does this sometimes. I know I have. And you have too, so shut up and stop fooling yourself. Remember last week when you got depressed/drunk and got all self-loathing and introspective? But this is some peoples' exclusive MO. Obnoxious. Song lyrics are easy to use because we connect with music on an emotional level, and the artist has taken whatever you're feeling and thinking and conveyed it in a much more poetic and poignant way than you ever could have, so you use them. But they don't say what the fuck your problem is. So people ask if you're alright. Then there's the vague BS that just gets people asking for more. Classic attention-seeking. In those, there are no details so people ask (what's the great news?? what's wrong? you ok? what happened?) or sometimes it's clear only a select few were worthy of details, but you're still letting everyone else know that Something Different Or Not Ordinary might or might not have happened. Which will lead those in the dark to ask about you. Again, we're all guilty of this from time to time. But every update??




Uninformed Citizen My political opinions are the truth! If you watched the same news channel I watched instead of that biased crap you would agree! -Sunday
Uninformed Citizen I don't care what the other side says... they're all ignorant nutjobs anyway. Our 'elected' official has no right to his office. Here's the link to the article for proof!!! -27 hours ago
Uninformed Citizen "It's Not Right or Left. It's Right or Wrong!!!" -14 hours ago
Uninformed Citizen Stop the passage of socialist laws! You know who else was a socialist?? HITLER! First death panels, then concentration camps. Keep the commies out of office! -6 hours ago

This one covers two bases. Make that three. I used the political aspect as the example, but it also applies to the Loudly Vocal Christians and the I've Been Living Under A Rock- Holy Shit! Check This Out! groups as well. Either way, it's annoying. Once again, I hope you people have at least one other hobby or friend or maybe a job you can talk about sometimes. These (at least the political/religious) folks also scream about their right to Free Speech! to blast their propaganda on you, but when you try to respond in rational disagreement they suddenly forget that one and don't want to hear it. Even worse are the people who have full access to my Facebook page and who know that I am 1) Yes. A Socialist and 2) An atheist and then send me fucking mass 'private' messages about Obama's Kenyan birth certificate or Jesus and his views on current social issues such as immigration into the US/ gay rights like they're going to convert me with a poorly written 'news article' from World Net Daily. Instant De-Friending, right there. These types of status updates generally just devolve into a comment war of "I'm right", "No, I'M right!", "No, you're stupid!", "Am not!", "Are too!", "Am not!", "Duck season!", "Rabbit season!", "Duck season!", "Duck season!"..... ugh. Just STFU. As far as the Under The Rock crowd goes; they just suddenly latch on to some now-fairly-well-known fact/event/etc. and make just about every post about it like it's big news. When in reality, we all knew this a while ago and they aren't doing anyone any favors. Generally they do the same rebuttal technique when you try to point out errors in their 'news' or when you mention that it's not news anymore and no one else is interested now... of course they have the latest information just released on Wikipedia.


Honorable mentions go to people who use applications and have their every move on them posted to the news feed. I don't care about Farmville, your Top Friends, your stupid horoscope, or what drink you just unlocked. I don't want to share a smile or an iHeart or whatever. I don't want to 'like' every goddamn page on the internet. If you want to invite me to an ACTUAL event, cool. You lost my phone number? Message me. Don't add me to a public group.

I had more, but of course have forgotten...

Yes. I'm a grump. Bah Humbug. And stay off my lawn!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Dream Weaver...

Thursday Night
A work dream. Sort of. I'm currently carless, so a friend/coworker picks me up on the way into the office in the morning since I'm lucky enough to live just down the street.
In my dream, I wake up for work only to find I've overslept, and Kate's supposed to be at my house to snag me any minute. It's still dark outside (which doesn't ever happen since I don't have to be at work until 9am). My house is not My House; AKA it looks nothing like Childs Street where I actually live. I have this big kitchen, and I use the back door instead of the front, apparently, because I never see any other room of my house. I have a GIANT backyard with a fence running around it and some floodlights lighting it up. It's pretty reminiscent of the field at Terrapin. When I look out the back, there are a bunch of people out there hang gliding. In my backyard. In the dark. (WTF?) I'm frantically running around trying to be ready before Kate gets there and I make us late for work. I try to call her to warn her that I just woke up but she doesn't answer. Then she is knocking on my door, I'm still in my PJs, since this whole time I guess I've been doing nothing but trying to figure out what is going on behind my house. I let her in and apologize for running late, and then say that maybe she should text Tammy (our other coworker/department head) and let her know we're running behind and that we'll be in shortly. Kate says that Tammy already knows we're going to be late because Kate had planned on us doing some hang gliding before we went in and Tammy had said that that was fine. But then Kate says that she doesn't know if we'll have time for hang gliding because she forgot to do her experiment the night before and the results are due today. She asks to use my kitchen, which I let her do, and she proceeds to dig through all these clear beakers and tubes and stuff on this wire rack in my kitchen, asking if I have a really long graduated cylinder. (Most of the stuff there actually looks like the clear plastic pieces you can use to make a hamster/gerbil habitat...) She finds something that will work, and puts together this big thing connecting all the pieces, and pours this thick yellow solution into one end and starts heating it up with a Bunsen burner. I ask her which experiment this is, and she says "It's my Lemon Yeast experiment". The stuff starts boiling and running through the contraption. What I guess is the yeast itself sticks to a bend in the tubing, and the liquid runs out the other end, clear now. Then Kate says she doesn't know what this means since she doesn't know too much about yeast and says we're going to have to wait for Spike to get there and help her figure it out. And that now we really won't have time for hang gliding. Which is still going on in my backyard. Then Spike shows up, says some crap I don't remember about the yeast and Kate writes it down, and says she might have to do the experiment again because she might have missed a step. Spike goes out to join the hang gliding, and while cleaning up the experiment pieces Kate calls Tammy and tells her we are going to come in to work now. Tammy says she's decided to come over and go hang gliding too, so it's cool if we just stay at my house for now. It's still dark. I go to get dressed so we can hang glide, and then I wake up.

Saturday Night
I've made plans to go visit my dad in Cincinnati. Of course, being a dream, time and space are irrelevant, so I go to sleep after announcing my intentions to visit the Queen City, and wake up in my dad's house. Only it's not the house he lives in now. It's the house I grew up in. 11128 Mulligan Street, Sharonville, OH 45241. (513) 554-0378. It's a lovely warm spring morning. The place looks pretty much the same; the Grippo truck is still there, the two maple trees in the front yard, the floor plan is dead-on.  Differences are the lack of cats or dogs (my dad always claimed to be 'done' with pets, but until he left that house he always had at least one and I know he cried when he had to have our samoyed Kodi euthanized). The crabapple tree that was in the backyard when I was little is still there, but it's much larger than it ever got before my dad cut it down. Also, there is some huge building being built directly behind the property. When I ask Dad what it is, he doesn't know. When I ask what they did with the houses that used to be there, he says they are still there, including the residents, inside the new cinderblock walls, that he guesses they will eventually be torn down. Hanging from the eave on the back of the house are a bunch of baskets with almost full-size pumpkins growing in them. I ask if those are Mom's hanging baskets, he says yes. I ask if he knew she planted pumpkins in them, he says he hasn't looked at them since she left. (In this dream, I'm an adult. My mom moved out in 1987). So we go out to look at the pumpkins. Then he decides to show me his current garden. There is half of it on the side of the house (the neighbor's house- Ray and Joan Peltzel, or maybe it was Pelzel; Ray died years ago, I can't imagine Joan is still alive- is now 10 feet further from our house and on a higher plot of land so there is a little embankment) with flowers and something weird I have forgotten growing already. He had planted stuff all the way up the little hill, so there wasn't anywhere to walk. He just walked over the garden to show me stuff. Then he showed me the garden in the backyard. It was in the same spot his garden always was. He thought it was doing pretty well, but didn't want to get closer than 5 feet away or so because he thought his peppers were a little weak and didn't want to scare them away. (?) His garden was packed with plants; hardly any spacing. All different colors of peppers, and big plants that I guess were his tomatoes. Big heads of lettuce. He said he was concerned that when they finished building the giant building (seriously; this thing went for blocks) it would block his sunlight and he'd have to find another place for the garden. How odd that this dream focused on his garden? Then, like every morning, I am awakened by a cat that thinks he's absolutely wasting away because there were fewer than 14 pieces of food on his plate, the equivalent of a Feline Famine.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Island Of The Alive

Well then. Sure has been a while. I didn't actually forget about this blog, but for a while it's not exactly been at the forefront of my thoughts.

Damn, I used to have all sorts of crap to say. Most was just drivel, but still I had no issues with opening the old brain-spigot fully and letting the word diarrhea commence. So how is it that I finally return after more than three months, sign in, and....

nothing.

There is currently not one single smart-ass comment waiting in the wings. No rants against my fellow humanoids. No bad puns or horribly offensive stories or jokes which would allow me to use obscene amounts of profanity. There was stuff in mind before, I promise. Stuff I had planned on writing about. This and that and the other. Where the hell did those bastards go off to??

Have I lost it? My knack for the real,  for my no-added-sugar commentary on my surroundings, my ability to spout off whilst simultaneously boring the ever-living shit out of 50% of you and making 30% of you giggle at least once? (You other 20%... get your hand out of your pants. This is not the blog for that). Or do I just need to drink more beer?

You be the judge.

'Cause I'm back. And by {insert choice of higher power here}, I'm gonna write some shit.

Look out, people.