Upon reflection...

I just wrote a post saying I was hoping for better things this year. And I am. But I've had a rather jolting epiphany in that not only will I have to actively pursue some of these things, rather than let stuff play out, but I may have to do it somewhere else. Or somehow else. Or somewhat differently. Something like that.

I said 2011 was pretty ok. It was. But tonight I realized it's because it was slightly better than 2010, and then nothing changed. Nothing too bad happened. But nothing too good happened either. It was a flatline year, and usually, a flatline means you're dead.

Obviously, I'm not speaking literally here. But really... What more do I have to show for myself after 2011? Nothing. I love a number of things about where I am now, but where it counts, I'm no further ahead than I was a year ago. The evening candle-light version is that last year was smooth, living was always tolerable, making it day-to-day was no biggie, and this year will be even better. The harsh noonday sun version is that I am too old and too tired of being this endlessly broke, this hopelessly alone (and often lonely), this knowingly expendable, and this socially inconsequential.

I feel like I'm slowly breaking down, like a car that gets no love from its owner. Simply put, I'm tired. I spend all day at a workplace I love, full of people I love; the best people I know, really, and in an industry in which I truly take an interest and want to learn more and think is the tits... but where I'm not all that integral. Anyone could take my place and there would be hardly a hiccup in the day-to-day. Most of my tasks are time-consuming, but fairly mindless and minimally creative, and require only a basic education... I know that's often the starting point when entering an industry without prior training, but I sometimes feel that this is as far as I'll go. And sometimes I wonder whether I actually have anything else to offer. If I don't, I have a problem, as my position isn't worth much, and I can't live much longer with just getting by. I'm only barely above water; even that's a struggle, and the shallow end of the pool is nowhere in sight.

This is about more than the job though. That's the easy metaphor. In the long run, I don't make a squat of difference there or anywhere else. I'm not doing anything there, or here, or anywhere, where I'm using any skill that isn't a skill everyone around me possesses, or that makes me needed or necessary or unique. I don't impact the life of any one person. I haven't made any sort of lasting impression on this town I've been in for 12 years. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere. But you probably didn't notice. I hardly noticed myself.

So, then, decisions. Pros and cons. Can I ever be a whole person here, doing what I'm doing? Will I find fulfillment in more than one aspect of life? Can I climb to a stable, comfortable, secure, and relatively happy existance? Or is complacency and sticking with the place I know slowly and silently killing me?

It's the new year. Where do I go from here?