Sometime in early 2012 something went awry in the synaptic communication in my brain and I created an OKCupid account. I suppose I had these illusions of there being this horde of Eligible Bachelors hiding within Athens whereby chance had not yet crossed our paths. Perhaps they burrow through the old tunnels below the streets of downtown; our own Classic City Mole People, only they're attractive and have jobs and like cats and beer and own computers. After all, I've only been here 14 [quickly nearing 15 now] years, and I only go to the 6-7 places that pretty much anyone I'd usually like go to as well... So I thought "Why the hell not?" and signed up thinking I'd find these elusive available decent-looking emotionally-mature and not-full-of-BS guys somewhere outside my usual haunts.
Excuse me while I ROFLMAOLOLOLOLLLLL! 'Cause for the most part, nope. [This is still true.]
Now, I don't mean that there aren't some good guys on there. I've chatted with some seemingly (I say seemingly because I'm chatting online, which means I can't guarantee what's actually on the other keyboard) normal, nice dudes. Some I could be attracted to, some I'm not, but they're nice nonetheless so what's wrong with just chatting with someone? Maybe I'll make a friend or two, at least. [I've made one new acquaintance that I hang with from time to time in a platonic manner. I did also meet someone else shortly after starting this draft that I've been seeing very regularly since January, so yay for that. And he is very nice. Here is where the old draft ends and where I pick up the story again.]
But, holy shit. The majority of messages I get are, well, nothing special. But many are better off ignored. There are plenty of stories out there featuring folks who've created fake profiles to see what kind of crazy they can find. I'm not one of those, so I figured I'd feature some of the finest in online dating that a regular girl, with a regular profile, gets from "regular" dudes looking for love in all the wrong online places. I suppose in the act of fairness, I should share my profile. Yep. That's me. I like to think I'm not totally off-base in how I've presented myself, but of course without having 10 of my friends over to get drunk and fill all that crap out for me I can't be entirely sure that this is really what I'm like to other people. Either way, it's not a total lie.
The majority of my profile views come from guys under the age of 24 looking for casual sex and from middle-aged men with just about zero in common with me (Christian conservatives love me, apparently). Most never message me. Some do the super-basic "hi." thing. Some are funny because they attempt to impress with flowery language and too much flattery (and the majority of these fail hard at it). And some are just WUT. Lucky for you, I've decided to share some with you.(Note: unless otherwise noted, these are the openers these gentlemen sent. Not stuff they said after established conversation, which is why some that don't seem too weird are included. If you wouldn't come up to me and say it to me in line at the bank, you probably shouldn't message it to a rando girl and expect a serious response.)
I present: OKCupid. Ur Doin it Wrong. click the images to see full size
Note the time of that first message.
Not too weird on the surface, but still... "I only contact once then I press hide..." as the first thing you say to me doesn't really scream "possible romance ahead".
Uhhhhh... thanks?
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