What I Am

What I am...

I am not you. Or you. I've finally gotten to a place where I know that I am better than that, better than both of you. I've figured out that no matter how much I hurt right now, no matter how badly I want to turn back the clock, no matter what really, I still have my dignity. And I still have the ability to love. I will find someone who will appreciate it. Someone better than both of you, someone like me.

You. He may have chosen you over me when you, like the desperate insecure girl (not woman) you are, turned all your focus on a man you knew had a girlfriend after your first choice living a few doors down didn't want what you were throwing at him. You were looking to run into somone's arms, anyone's arms- it didn't seem to matter who. Just whoever would take you. Sure, you won. You got what you wanted at my expense. You got to be a key player in the game of destroying another person, taking away the very thing she loved the most and her dreams along with it. But still, with that victory you got something else. You will always be The Other Woman. Regardless of how things work out from now on, that is a stigma that is forever yours. And that is something I can proudly say I have never been and would never be. I respect boundaries, especially when crossing those lines might crush someone else who's done nothing to deserve it. I don't run to the first thing that will have me. I don't manipulate people for my own gratification. I would never sink to the level that you did. Because I am a better person. But not you. You get the scarlet letter. I am flawless, you are marred.

And you. You allowed her to manipulate you. You made your decisions with the wrong head, after it was made clear what she was waving in your face. You threw away love itself, as well as the person you loved and who loved you because your brain was clouded with infatuation and lust. She was there, convenient, and begging for your attention, though in reality she was begging for anyone's attention, and you were doing the same. It had less to do with you as a person and more to do with you as an idea. You were, and are, weak and cowardly, and you fell for the charade. This gives you your own title; The Cheating Man Who Ran To The Other Woman. And right now you're happy. But remember, you were happy with me too, for a lot longer, and see how things turned out? History repeats itself. And the current situation only makes it appear that you really did just pick up where our relationship left off. You are rushing things with her; maybe in your subconscious you are doing so in an effort to completely forget what came before her- immersion; throw yourself into this new thing recklessly and passionately and no more will thoughts of the past haunt you. Part of me thinks you have completely forgotten me already, with how quickly you moved on. But then you see me at the coffee shop, and you are so visibly uncomfortable that you fidget nonstop for five minutes. And then you pack your things and leave. And I hardly looked at you, let alone speak to you. You were weak when she showed up at your door, and you are weak now. You were too cowardly to look me in the eye while leaving me, too cowardly to speak to me face-to-face after running from my house that night, and were too cowardly to keep reading your book when I ended up sharing a room with you two months later. You were not loyal, you followed whatever shiny thing presented itself. I would have stood by you had you let me. Because I am a better person. But not you. You need more than just Courage from the Great Wizard. I am flawless, you are marred.

What I am is strong. I am faithful and loyal. I am a good person. I am deserving of more. I am clean of conscience. I appreciate and value love when I have it and don't view it as disposable. I am intelligent. And every now and then I am fun. Sometimes even funny.

What I am is awesome, a catch, priceless, perfectly imperfect.

What I am is everything that you, and you, are not.