Time's fun when you're having flies!

It's already August. This year has seemed to go by extremely fast. At least with it moving by so quickly, there hasn't been 'time' for 2010 to become the absolute shitstorm that 2009 was for many people, myself included. I can't say I'm any further ahead than I was, or even back on track, definitely not completely over it, but at least I'm not quite as dead inside as I was when this year started. I just hope I'm not jinxing the rest of the year by bringing it up.

It's been almost 17 months since I was laid off. 16 months since I moved out to Bishop. 15 months since starting the job I have now. 10 months since the final nail in the coffin of 2009 was pounded in. 9 months since I moved back from Bishop to my current apartment. And now almost 2 months since I finished school. Yet it all seems so new still.

10 months. Been a hot minute. I would love to say that I'm totally over it by now. I should be, I know. I want to be. But I would be lying if I said I was. It's not as frequent a thought as it used to be, not even close. But there are still times when something reminds me (of the good or of the bad). Or I'll have a random dream (nightmare?). And then I'm tossed into a brief period of crushing sadness. My heart feels that same shattering with unbelievable intensity, a bizarre act of muscle memory, like it just happened yesterday. Depending on the trigger, sometimes tears still flow against my will. I hate this. Almost as much as I hate what caused it. I suppose it wouldn't still be like this if I also would have had someone else to focus on immediately, but I didn't. I didn't have anyone. And I'm sure it will fade a lot faster if I do find someone else to occupy my thoughts. Until then... well. I do what I can. I try to stay positive about it, keep up the hope. And think of the things that make me feel better about it all... First, that though I dislike still feeling this way, and am even ashamed of it, I know I did no wrong. And I also know that since I do still have these passing episodes , I can be assured that I was never lying about my real feelings. I wasn't blowing smoke up anyone's ass. I meant exactly what I said, and said exactly how I felt, even if he didn't. I was true and honest and open and took care to not be telling someone I loved them when I really didn't, or didn't yet know if I did or not, or didn't even know if what I was feeling was love or just the warm glow from the last orgasm. Second, the whole idea of Karma; what goes around comes around, is still comforting as vindictive as that sounds.

I've missed my first opportunity at getting the fuck out of dodge. Though I only moved in 9 months ago, my lease automatically renewed this month. I didn't give 30 days notice of an Exodus From Athens, and the landlord didn't give me 30 days notice of Get The Hell Out Of My House. So on paper, I'm here until next August. I will still try to find a job I actually want to do here in the meantime. I have not set a true limit on how much time I'm going to give a life-affirming event to happen before I head for other pastures. I couldn't have gone anywhere yet anyway- moving costs money, and I have no money. Shit, I don't even have a car right now.

Speaking of life-affirming events... meh. I've been a bit indulgent in some self-gratifying and possibly self-destructive behaviours lately. Nothing extreme, and I know lots of folks who are even more indulgent, and I don't necessarily see anything really wrong with having a little fun. I just tend to freak out about what people think of me, and though I need to not give a shit about that, I do. Not even in a General Reputation sort of way- I'm definitely not bad enough to warrant worrying too much about that, but more about how some individuals may view me and my placement in their lives. I just don't want them to get a completely wrong idea about me. I also don't want them to get the impression that I'm going to jump every time they ask. Yeah, I might have before, but I was also being self-serving. Getting a temporary fix of my own. Once again, nothing wrong with that. But the thing about it is that it is obvious that it isn't going to lead me to what I want. Of course, I can always take advantage of that situation while also scouting out something with potential... and in all fairness I can easily just say "Not this time, thanks", plus going back to the smoke-blowing thing, at least they are straight up about it. I guess it's just that even if it's nothing, I wish they would try a little harder. Maybe just give actually getting to know me outside of the group a chance. I'm more than just that chick that hangs out with the dudes, and I'm definitely more than just some chick to text/message at 3am when you're bored. Invite me over to the dinner, not only afterward when everyone else is gone. After all, what is wrong with making a friend?

Today is my older half-brother's birthday. He turns 20 today. Unfortunately, he's made some really bad decisions in his short life, and is going to be spending this and his next birthday in the clink. He has a history of screwing up... but this is the first time he's not been able to somehow get out of it. I know he's completely miserable and lonely; my mom tells me how she goes to visit him, and he just cries. I sent him a card, but what to say in a birthday card to someone who can't do anything? I'm bad at writing stuff in cards anyway because it always sounds so contrived and redundant and meaningless... sympathy cards are the worst! But this was just as awkward. "Hey, happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your day! Don't get beat up in the yard or assaulted in the showers. Do something fun! Like chatting with the schizophrenic repeat-offender in the next cell. I bet he has lots of great stories. Maybe you can score an extra corn muffin in the dining hall today. I guess they won't let you have a candle to blow out, seeing as how you might be able to use it as a weapon, but maybe you could snag a cigarette from a buddy on your block and use that instead to make your birthday wish. Have a great day!"

Day two of four off in a row. And here I am, sitting inside, writing a damn blog post. It is time I went and did something else completely nonproductive. I am fucking awesome!