Welcome to the Digital Age. Now that we're living in The Future, pretty much all human interaction is done via zeros and ones. People have entire conversations via text instead of calling them up and saving 15 minutes. People walk into traffic because they are too consumed with checking in to their newest location. I spent four hours in a van today coming back from Savannah, and two people in the van did not look up from their respective screens the entire time, minus pee breaks and the stop at Dairy Lane in Sandersville. And we learn about what's new in our friends' lives through tweets and status updates instead of, you know, actually fucking hanging out with them. But here's the thing... I, and many others, don't care to know every little mundane detail of your life. Yeah, I update mine too, but some things are just not status-worthy. Because I don't give a rat's ass, and neither do lots of other people. So, here are the status updates/news feed items that I don't give a shit about (or that irritate the ever-living piss out of me). In no particular order:
Yappy McTweeterson just got out of bed. -about an hour ago
Yappy McTweeterson Is eating a bagel for breakfast!!!1! -52 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson nothing better than a nice morning poop. -48 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson getting ready to go to work. Bah! Fuck the Man!- 35 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson just got to work. Can't wait until 5pm! -15 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson I wish my office had decent coffee. Too bad my asshole boss is such a cheapskate.- 12 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson is in a super-boring meeting...blah blah blah... Inbox me! -6 minutes ago
Yappy McTweeterson uhoh i think the bossjust caught me on my ipohne... -4 minutes ago
RECENT ACTIVITY
Yappy McTweeterson has left his job at Cubicle Farm. -1 minute ago
OMFG. Yes, Facebook is for social networking. No, it's not Twitter. So don't treat your status like Twitter. Because you're flooding my news feed, and I probably don't like you enough to know what you're doing every 5 minutes. It's a status update, not a real-time ticker tape of your miserable existence. You are not that important, no matter how many times they told you you were special when you were little. High probability of getting 'hidden'.
Overpromoting Parent My kid! My kid! My kid! Photo of my kid! Vote for my kid! My kid! More photos of my kid doing the same thing as in the other photo! My kid! MORE SPECIALER THAN YOUR KID/LIFE/ANYTHING EVARRRR!!!! MYYYYYY KIIIIDDDD!!!! -birth of kid ago ad nauseum
I get it. You are super happy with your kid. You think it's the cutest thing ever. Everything it does is genius. Cool, I can dig why you feel that way. It's a big part of your life. But I really hope you do or think about at least one other thing a week. Because you don't ever talk about anything else, which causes me to worry that you might have an unhealthy obsession. And besides, not to be mean, but you're boring the shit out of the rest of us and/or giving us fodder to make fun of you. Really. Here's a blog about it.
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack ran 1 mile today. -14 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack did chest and arms at the gym tonight, and ran on the treadmill for 3 minutes. -9 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack made a delish stirfry with three peanuts, a celery stick, and some fish scales in a wonderful and fat-free Olestra sauce. Only 30 calories, but really negative calories since it'll just go right through me!!!! This diet thing is easy! -7 hours ago
PleaseValidateMe INeedAPatOnTheBack my diet and training is finally paying off!! Down 2 pounds since Christmas. But many more to go. More work to be done. -5 hours ago
Ok. I know when someone has struggled with their weight for a while, having a support group with similar experiences to share the small victories can be extremely helpful and encouraging. That's why they make these groups. Facebook isn't one. Just like Overpromoting Parent, when all someone talks about is their workouts and diet plans I think, "Holy Hell. Shut up. You ran yesterday. No big deal. You are dull.' and I have to restrain the sarcastic ass in me from commenting on the awesome donut I just ate and how their whole-wheat pasta and sugar/meat/dairy/gluten/soul-free meal could not have tasted that good because I've had it and it sucks.
MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl------>WASS UP FbOOKii??!? FOLLOW ME @ TWITTER.......................................... -yesterday
MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl~~goin 2ATL.... hittin up da club!!! InBoX mE iF u WaNnA cUm WiT uSsSs!! -20 hours ago
MidTwenties TeenFanboi/grl<<<<U don no ME! How u gon Judge---GROW-UP! *singin* ain't no1 gon brake my stride, nobodi's gon SLOOOOWWW me down, Oh No! I got 2 keep on MoViN!! ##GOOD ADVISE##
Absofuckinglutely unforgivable. I mean really. I want to remove my eyeballs with sporks when I see this. Unless you are below the legal driving age there is no excuse for you to be typing this way. There is no excuse for such poor spelling and grammar. Did you graduate from high school? Did you graduate from college? Are you working in a real workplace as some form of a 20-30 something professional? THEN STOP THIS. You don't look cool for being down with the hip lingo. You sound/look like a lobotomized chimpanzee. Facebook gives you enough characters to form complete words. AND complete sentences. Lay off the 'creative' capitalization and for fuck's sake, spell the words you learned in 4th grade correctly. Half the time I have no clue what the hell you're talking about. And these are the people that are also most often guilty of the "I'm'a pose in my car or in front of a mirror throwing signs/making the duckface/ "looking sexy" (aka foolish) and take a pic of myself with my iPhone and everyone will see how gangsta/constipated/"sexy" I am and how clever I am that I took my own photo and see, there in the mirror is my phone so everyone knows I was posing FOR MYSELF" profile photo. And they post these photos of themselves to their walls, and your news feeds, constantly. I lose it on these. STABBY.
Optimistic Fatalist We need more money! Our car is getting sick! We can take donations here... it's just so hard right now. How can we make more money?? But we will survive! -Wednesday
Optimistic Fatalist is sick again. Maybe this time they'll find out what's wrong. I have to have a minor procedure done!!! FML. But we have each other... heart! -Friday
Optimistic Fatalist I looovve my wife/boyfriend/shackup buddy soooooo much!! He/She/It is going to drive me to my minor procedure. 4 days and counting!! Oh no! Hope I get through it ok. -18 hours ago
Optimistic Fatalist Just don't know where it all goes. Why is it like this? Why does it have to be SO HARD for us??? But I'm strong, and I'll keep chuggin'! -about a minute ago
Hmmm.... this one actually gave me some trouble. Not sure that the name is entirely accurate. But this person almost always does the negative-positive update. The inspiration for my hatred of this kind of update has a rotating selection of about 4 different updates, all with the whine factor followed by something just awesome to him. But gets old when it's always the same. Plus, from my vantage point these folks are generally actually doing pretty ok. So, you're broke. Me too. In this town, that's pretty common. Hell, at least you own/have a house. Someone was rude to you. Also common. But you have a significant other that thinks you're the tits. A lot of people don't have that. You don't feel well. I'm sorry. But also common. You have to get a colonoscopy? Eek, sorry, dude! But you'll live and you don't need to mention it every 7 minutes for a week straight. And all these are fine to update with, but it becomes monotonous and annoying when they're the only things you ever say. I don't hide this type, but tend to start ignoring their posts.
Vaguey McSongLyric Three great things today!! I'm on an upswing.
Vaguey McSongLyric "Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand." -Saturday
Vaguey McSongLyric once again i suffer a dream lost.......... -Monday
Vaguey McSongLyric "When I get home I turn off the alarm, I've checked the phone, no messages on. I play the ones from yesterday. I play your song just to hear you say that; You, you're the lonely one." sigh -5 hours ago
Vaguey McSongLyric Thanks to my friends for the love. I will be ok. -1 hour ago
This one is also hard to comment on, because everyone does this sometimes. I know I have. And you have too, so shut up and stop fooling yourself. Remember last week when you got depressed/drunk and got all self-loathing and introspective? But this is some peoples' exclusive MO. Obnoxious. Song lyrics are easy to use because we connect with music on an emotional level, and the artist has taken whatever you're feeling and thinking and conveyed it in a much more poetic and poignant way than you ever could have, so you use them. But they don't say what the fuck your problem is. So people ask if you're alright. Then there's the vague BS that just gets people asking for more. Classic attention-seeking. In those, there are no details so people ask (what's the great news?? what's wrong? you ok? what happened?) or sometimes it's clear only a select few were worthy of details, but you're still letting everyone else know that Something Different Or Not Ordinary might or might not have happened. Which will lead those in the dark to ask about you. Again, we're all guilty of this from time to time. But every update??
Uninformed Citizen My political opinions are the truth! If you watched the same news channel I watched instead of that biased crap you would agree! -Sunday
Uninformed Citizen I don't care what the other side says... they're all ignorant nutjobs anyway. Our 'elected' official has no right to his office. Here's the link to the article for proof!!! -27 hours ago
Uninformed Citizen "It's Not Right or Left. It's Right or Wrong!!!" -14 hours ago
Uninformed Citizen Stop the passage of socialist laws! You know who else was a socialist?? HITLER! First death panels, then concentration camps. Keep the commies out of office! -6 hours ago
This one covers two bases. Make that three. I used the political aspect as the example, but it also applies to the Loudly Vocal Christians and the I've Been Living Under A Rock- Holy Shit! Check This Out! groups as well. Either way, it's annoying. Once again, I hope you people have at least one other hobby or friend or maybe a job you can talk about sometimes. These (at least the political/religious) folks also scream about their right to Free Speech! to blast their propaganda on you, but when you try to respond in rational disagreement they suddenly forget that one and don't want to hear it. Even worse are the people who have full access to my Facebook page and who know that I am 1) Yes. A Socialist and 2) An atheist and then send me fucking mass 'private' messages about Obama's Kenyan birth certificate or Jesus and his views on current social issues such as immigration into the US/ gay rights like they're going to convert me with a poorly written 'news article' from World Net Daily. Instant De-Friending, right there. These types of status updates generally just devolve into a comment war of "I'm right", "No, I'M right!", "No, you're stupid!", "Am not!", "Are too!", "Am not!", "Duck season!", "Rabbit season!", "Duck season!", "Duck season!"..... ugh. Just STFU. As far as the Under The Rock crowd goes; they just suddenly latch on to some now-fairly-well-known fact/event/etc. and make just about every post about it like it's big news. When in reality, we all knew this a while ago and they aren't doing anyone any favors. Generally they do the same rebuttal technique when you try to point out errors in their 'news' or when you mention that it's not news anymore and no one else is interested now... of course they have the latest information just released on Wikipedia.
Honorable mentions go to people who use applications and have their every move on them posted to the news feed. I don't care about Farmville, your Top Friends, your stupid horoscope, or what drink you just unlocked. I don't want to share a smile or an iHeart or whatever. I don't want to 'like' every goddamn page on the internet. If you want to invite me to an ACTUAL event, cool. You lost my phone number? Message me. Don't add me to a public group.
I had more, but of course have forgotten...
Yes. I'm a grump. Bah Humbug. And stay off my lawn!
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