you won't read this either. Even though those messages were responses to messages you sent to me, and not me trying to contact you. Either way, you won't respond so I can say what I want. Yes, this is directed at one person, and they know who they are. Everyone else need not respond or comment. But as I've already said, that person won't read this anyway, so it's just me venting.
When you walk up to me at the coffee shop and ask me "What's up?" and I respond with "Nothing" and gesture to the paper in front of me, it's not me trying to be a bitch, but me telling you that I simply have nothing else to say. That is all that is up. Nothing is up, except that. And if you decide to walk away and say, "Well fine then" before I ask you the same question, it's just you being a 14-year-old girl all over again. Because that's how you act sometimes.
So, say I was being a bitch, you still have no right to get pissy at me because I don't want to chat with you or be your buddy right now. NO RIGHT. If my memory serves me correctly, it is you who quit talking to me. That's right. You started ignoring me, acted like I didn't exist, wouldn't respond to texts or messages or calls. And this wasn't the first or even second time. No, try fourth, fifth, maybe even sixth time you got all middle-schooler on me. And after all that, and especially with what happened a few months ago, you expect me to just be all normal and friendly and want to hang out with you again? Right. I'm surprised you have any friends left at all, because if you treat them the way you've treated me then they have some serious problems, or they're desperate for friends. Oh wait, that's right. You don't treat anyone else that badly... they are all under the impression that you are cool and lots of fun and a nice guy all the time.
Yeah, I'm the only one of your 'friends' who you like to ignore/blow-off at random intervals. Or just be a complete asshole to. And for you to talk so much shit about me and try to make this whole situation look like only my fault is even more laughable. I know what you've told others about me in the past, because they tell me. I've avoided talking too much shit about you because I was trying to defend you, but now I'm just not going to say anything.
You try to justify blowing me off AGAIN in that message you sent me on Christmas by saying you needed "a little separation to 'evaluate' us"... whatever. "There is nothing to fix"... those are your words. There was never an 'us' and you made that clear a while ago. Regardless, you started ignoring me again, so I took it to mean that you were done with me. So I made myself attempt to be done with you. If you needed some separation, you should have told me so rather than just disappearing.
"That was not my intention, I just pushed too far". Yup. You kept pushing me away and pushing me away, for months and months, until you finally succeeded in driving me completely from you. Even when I tried desperately to keep you at least near, if not close. You got what you tried for.
Everything I said to you in your driveway was true. And really still is true now. You don't know how easily I would let you back into my life if you really made it clear that you wanted back in. But I am not going to live my life in some suspended state, in limbo, while you dally about trying to figure your shit out. I did everything I could to keep you around, and I'm out of ideas, so it's all up to you now. I'm done with chasing after you. Yes, all I said then is still true, but the statute of limitations for you to act on what I said to you is in effect. I know I told you that you've lost me, but that's not entirely true. There is still time if you are willing to do something about it. Though I'm not holding my breath... I'm here, tell me what you want, tell me what you feel. But either make an actual effort or let it go. Because if not, then I need to let it go. And if you choose to continue fading from my life, don't get mad at me for not being your friend for a while. You've had your chances. You let them go. It was your decision.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
a+b
girl loves boy. boy loves girl in return. sickening happiness ensues. why can't it be this simple?
if only you knew what you wanted. if only i knew what you wanted. if only...
if only you knew what you wanted. if only i knew what you wanted. if only...
art/life
as it appears to apply to many the Athenian mind.
Of this different, reformed and "virtuous" life ("it must, it must be virtuous") he dreamed at every moment. He thirsted for that reformation and renewal. The filthy morass, in which he had sunk of his own free will, was too revolting to him, and, like many men in such cases, he put faith above all in change of place. If only it were not for these people, if only it were not for these circumstances, if only he could get away from this accursed place--he would be altogether different, would begin on a new path. That was what he believed in, and for what he was yearning.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Of this different, reformed and "virtuous" life ("it must, it must be virtuous") he dreamed at every moment. He thirsted for that reformation and renewal. The filthy morass, in which he had sunk of his own free will, was too revolting to him, and, like many men in such cases, he put faith above all in change of place. If only it were not for these people, if only it were not for these circumstances, if only he could get away from this accursed place--he would be altogether different, would begin on a new path. That was what he believed in, and for what he was yearning.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Friday, January 5, 2007
What kind of socks do pirates wear?
ARRRRRRgyle!
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
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