ARRRRRRgyle!
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
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