I need to order new checks. I have one left. I don't want checks declaring my love for Jesus. I don't want checks with Spongebob Squarepants on them. I don't want checks bursting forth with American flags and eagles and all that patriotic shit. I don't want pretty pastel garden scenes or cute puppies or anything to do with The Red Hat Society. I just want a small box of checks with my name spelled correctly and my actual address on them. I guess the correct account number is a given, since asking for the account number of someone else's larger-balanced account is probably not gonna fly. I don't care if they're made of old maxipads, dammit. I just want the cheapest checks I can get so I can pay my fricking rent. The online ordering page used to have all those crap options for Personalized Checks! Yay! Now my debt collectors can know how much I like pasta!!, but then there was this nifty link to Economy Checks. The boring, $7-a-box ones. Where is that link?? It's gone. So I go to the Special Purpose link.... ah, there is the cheap design I had last time, a box of only 50 since I don't use them very much... Good. Go through all the ordering, fixing my address, etc... hit Checkout...
And get a damn error message saying 'check style obsolete'.
So I go back to that Special Purpose link. There is another 50-check box with variety designs. Four designs in all. At least two fall into the category of Designs I Do Not Want, but whatever. If they're the cheap ones I'll deal with every 4th check having the Statue of Liberty superimposed on a waving American flag. Go through all the same ordering BS, hit Checkout...
And get that same damn error message. FUCK YOU CHECK PEOPLE.
Guess I'll have to go to the bank and do it.
Annoyance #2... wrote the check for my water/sewage/garbage bill today. Cost of total bill equals $44.46. That is for all three services. $17.00 is the flat rate for my trash service (which they will not let my neighbor and I, who live in the same house with a wall between us, consolidate...). I don't use much water because I live alone. So, besides trash, the second biggest chunk of the bill? Customer Service Fees. WTF? I've only been in there once, to set up my service, and I can assure you the service was not that great, seeing as how they were trying to get me to pay the 3-month past due bill from the previous tenant, and required proof that my name was not Christopher G. Yeah, no. And there are TWO customer service fees. One for water, one for sewer. It is the same office. Total in Customer Service Fees to ACC? $14.32. Customer service fees make up a little over one-fourth of the total bill. Complete BS.
Anyway. The airing of the grievances is complete.
For now.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Time's fun when you're having flies!
It's already August. This year has seemed to go by extremely fast. At least with it moving by so quickly, there hasn't been 'time' for 2010 to become the absolute shitstorm that 2009 was for many people, myself included. I can't say I'm any further ahead than I was, or even back on track, definitely not completely over it, but at least I'm not quite as dead inside as I was when this year started. I just hope I'm not jinxing the rest of the year by bringing it up.
It's been almost 17 months since I was laid off. 16 months since I moved out to Bishop. 15 months since starting the job I have now. 10 months since the final nail in the coffin of 2009 was pounded in. 9 months since I moved back from Bishop to my current apartment. And now almost 2 months since I finished school. Yet it all seems so new still.
10 months. Been a hot minute. I would love to say that I'm totally over it by now. I should be, I know. I want to be. But I would be lying if I said I was. It's not as frequent a thought as it used to be, not even close. But there are still times when something reminds me (of the good or of the bad). Or I'll have a random dream (nightmare?). And then I'm tossed into a brief period of crushing sadness. My heart feels that same shattering with unbelievable intensity, a bizarre act of muscle memory, like it just happened yesterday. Depending on the trigger, sometimes tears still flow against my will. I hate this. Almost as much as I hate what caused it. I suppose it wouldn't still be like this if I also would have had someone else to focus on immediately, but I didn't. I didn't have anyone. And I'm sure it will fade a lot faster if I do find someone else to occupy my thoughts. Until then... well. I do what I can. I try to stay positive about it, keep up the hope. And think of the things that make me feel better about it all... First, that though I dislike still feeling this way, and am even ashamed of it, I know I did no wrong. And I also know that since I do still have these passing episodes , I can be assured that I was never lying about my real feelings. I wasn't blowing smoke up anyone's ass. I meant exactly what I said, and said exactly how I felt, even if he didn't. I was true and honest and open and took care to not be telling someone I loved them when I really didn't, or didn't yet know if I did or not, or didn't even know if what I was feeling was love or just the warm glow from the last orgasm. Second, the whole idea of Karma; what goes around comes around, is still comforting as vindictive as that sounds.
I've missed my first opportunity at getting the fuck out of dodge. Though I only moved in 9 months ago, my lease automatically renewed this month. I didn't give 30 days notice of an Exodus From Athens, and the landlord didn't give me 30 days notice of Get The Hell Out Of My House. So on paper, I'm here until next August. I will still try to find a job I actually want to do here in the meantime. I have not set a true limit on how much time I'm going to give a life-affirming event to happen before I head for other pastures. I couldn't have gone anywhere yet anyway- moving costs money, and I have no money. Shit, I don't even have a car right now.
Speaking of life-affirming events... meh. I've been a bit indulgent in some self-gratifying and possibly self-destructive behaviours lately. Nothing extreme, and I know lots of folks who are even more indulgent, and I don't necessarily see anything really wrong with having a little fun. I just tend to freak out about what people think of me, and though I need to not give a shit about that, I do. Not even in a General Reputation sort of way- I'm definitely not bad enough to warrant worrying too much about that, but more about how some individuals may view me and my placement in their lives. I just don't want them to get a completely wrong idea about me. I also don't want them to get the impression that I'm going to jump every time they ask. Yeah, I might have before, but I was also being self-serving. Getting a temporary fix of my own. Once again, nothing wrong with that. But the thing about it is that it is obvious that it isn't going to lead me to what I want. Of course, I can always take advantage of that situation while also scouting out something with potential... and in all fairness I can easily just say "Not this time, thanks", plus going back to the smoke-blowing thing, at least they are straight up about it. I guess it's just that even if it's nothing, I wish they would try a little harder. Maybe just give actually getting to know me outside of the group a chance. I'm more than just that chick that hangs out with the dudes, and I'm definitely more than just some chick to text/message at 3am when you're bored. Invite me over to the dinner, not only afterward when everyone else is gone. After all, what is wrong with making a friend?
Today is my older half-brother's birthday. He turns 20 today. Unfortunately, he's made some really bad decisions in his short life, and is going to be spending this and his next birthday in the clink. He has a history of screwing up... but this is the first time he's not been able to somehow get out of it. I know he's completely miserable and lonely; my mom tells me how she goes to visit him, and he just cries. I sent him a card, but what to say in a birthday card to someone who can't do anything? I'm bad at writing stuff in cards anyway because it always sounds so contrived and redundant and meaningless... sympathy cards are the worst! But this was just as awkward. "Hey, happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your day! Don't get beat up in the yard or assaulted in the showers. Do something fun! Like chatting with the schizophrenic repeat-offender in the next cell. I bet he has lots of great stories. Maybe you can score an extra corn muffin in the dining hall today. I guess they won't let you have a candle to blow out, seeing as how you might be able to use it as a weapon, but maybe you could snag a cigarette from a buddy on your block and use that instead to make your birthday wish. Have a great day!"
Day two of four off in a row. And here I am, sitting inside, writing a damn blog post. It is time I went and did something else completely nonproductive. I am fucking awesome!
It's been almost 17 months since I was laid off. 16 months since I moved out to Bishop. 15 months since starting the job I have now. 10 months since the final nail in the coffin of 2009 was pounded in. 9 months since I moved back from Bishop to my current apartment. And now almost 2 months since I finished school. Yet it all seems so new still.
10 months. Been a hot minute. I would love to say that I'm totally over it by now. I should be, I know. I want to be. But I would be lying if I said I was. It's not as frequent a thought as it used to be, not even close. But there are still times when something reminds me (of the good or of the bad). Or I'll have a random dream (nightmare?). And then I'm tossed into a brief period of crushing sadness. My heart feels that same shattering with unbelievable intensity, a bizarre act of muscle memory, like it just happened yesterday. Depending on the trigger, sometimes tears still flow against my will. I hate this. Almost as much as I hate what caused it. I suppose it wouldn't still be like this if I also would have had someone else to focus on immediately, but I didn't. I didn't have anyone. And I'm sure it will fade a lot faster if I do find someone else to occupy my thoughts. Until then... well. I do what I can. I try to stay positive about it, keep up the hope. And think of the things that make me feel better about it all... First, that though I dislike still feeling this way, and am even ashamed of it, I know I did no wrong. And I also know that since I do still have these passing episodes , I can be assured that I was never lying about my real feelings. I wasn't blowing smoke up anyone's ass. I meant exactly what I said, and said exactly how I felt, even if he didn't. I was true and honest and open and took care to not be telling someone I loved them when I really didn't, or didn't yet know if I did or not, or didn't even know if what I was feeling was love or just the warm glow from the last orgasm. Second, the whole idea of Karma; what goes around comes around, is still comforting as vindictive as that sounds.
I've missed my first opportunity at getting the fuck out of dodge. Though I only moved in 9 months ago, my lease automatically renewed this month. I didn't give 30 days notice of an Exodus From Athens, and the landlord didn't give me 30 days notice of Get The Hell Out Of My House. So on paper, I'm here until next August. I will still try to find a job I actually want to do here in the meantime. I have not set a true limit on how much time I'm going to give a life-affirming event to happen before I head for other pastures. I couldn't have gone anywhere yet anyway- moving costs money, and I have no money. Shit, I don't even have a car right now.
Speaking of life-affirming events... meh. I've been a bit indulgent in some self-gratifying and possibly self-destructive behaviours lately. Nothing extreme, and I know lots of folks who are even more indulgent, and I don't necessarily see anything really wrong with having a little fun. I just tend to freak out about what people think of me, and though I need to not give a shit about that, I do. Not even in a General Reputation sort of way- I'm definitely not bad enough to warrant worrying too much about that, but more about how some individuals may view me and my placement in their lives. I just don't want them to get a completely wrong idea about me. I also don't want them to get the impression that I'm going to jump every time they ask. Yeah, I might have before, but I was also being self-serving. Getting a temporary fix of my own. Once again, nothing wrong with that. But the thing about it is that it is obvious that it isn't going to lead me to what I want. Of course, I can always take advantage of that situation while also scouting out something with potential... and in all fairness I can easily just say "Not this time, thanks", plus going back to the smoke-blowing thing, at least they are straight up about it. I guess it's just that even if it's nothing, I wish they would try a little harder. Maybe just give actually getting to know me outside of the group a chance. I'm more than just that chick that hangs out with the dudes, and I'm definitely more than just some chick to text/message at 3am when you're bored. Invite me over to the dinner, not only afterward when everyone else is gone. After all, what is wrong with making a friend?
Today is my older half-brother's birthday. He turns 20 today. Unfortunately, he's made some really bad decisions in his short life, and is going to be spending this and his next birthday in the clink. He has a history of screwing up... but this is the first time he's not been able to somehow get out of it. I know he's completely miserable and lonely; my mom tells me how she goes to visit him, and he just cries. I sent him a card, but what to say in a birthday card to someone who can't do anything? I'm bad at writing stuff in cards anyway because it always sounds so contrived and redundant and meaningless... sympathy cards are the worst! But this was just as awkward. "Hey, happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your day! Don't get beat up in the yard or assaulted in the showers. Do something fun! Like chatting with the schizophrenic repeat-offender in the next cell. I bet he has lots of great stories. Maybe you can score an extra corn muffin in the dining hall today. I guess they won't let you have a candle to blow out, seeing as how you might be able to use it as a weapon, but maybe you could snag a cigarette from a buddy on your block and use that instead to make your birthday wish. Have a great day!"
Day two of four off in a row. And here I am, sitting inside, writing a damn blog post. It is time I went and did something else completely nonproductive. I am fucking awesome!
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Invisibles
We are everywhere. I am one of them. I see you, and you, and that guy over there. I see all of you.
Some of you I know already; lots of you... Some of you I've never met.
The unknown ones- I glance at you to see if you glance back. I look for a sign of possible recognition, or of a general human bond. A nod, a smile, anything. Generally you pass by, and I go unnoticed. You didn't even see me. I wasn't there. But what if I could have been the best friend you ever met?
With those I know I wonder why our connection is so weak; why you never seem to wish to make it something more, a real link or a stronger cable to hold each other up. I would do my best to support you. I would like to be more than just someone you know from around, someone you speak to every 6 weeks because I happen to be standing there. I try to reach out. But oftentimes I'm cut off. Most times. "Leave a message at the beep..." "Out of sight, out of mind"- all very true. I wonder why it is only when you see me right in front of you that you remember that I'm here. I remember you all the time. All of you.
I am An Invisible. An Unremarkable. Filled with the desire to love, but broken down by being forgotten and unloved. Unseen. Every connection a missed one.
I know there are more of us out there.
But to all of you... just know that I see you. Even when you don't see me. And know that someone cares.
I posted this anonymously a few weeks ago. In the 'Missed Connections' section of the Athens Craigslist. I got bored, had had a beer or two, and wanted to see if I'd get any response. I got a few emails; three said they liked it. One said I should write a novel. And the last said "your sick" [sic]. Okay... Anyway, just decided to move it here before the post expires and I don't have it written down anywhere else.
Some of you I know already; lots of you... Some of you I've never met.
The unknown ones- I glance at you to see if you glance back. I look for a sign of possible recognition, or of a general human bond. A nod, a smile, anything. Generally you pass by, and I go unnoticed. You didn't even see me. I wasn't there. But what if I could have been the best friend you ever met?
With those I know I wonder why our connection is so weak; why you never seem to wish to make it something more, a real link or a stronger cable to hold each other up. I would do my best to support you. I would like to be more than just someone you know from around, someone you speak to every 6 weeks because I happen to be standing there. I try to reach out. But oftentimes I'm cut off. Most times. "Leave a message at the beep..." "Out of sight, out of mind"- all very true. I wonder why it is only when you see me right in front of you that you remember that I'm here. I remember you all the time. All of you.
I am An Invisible. An Unremarkable. Filled with the desire to love, but broken down by being forgotten and unloved. Unseen. Every connection a missed one.
I know there are more of us out there.
But to all of you... just know that I see you. Even when you don't see me. And know that someone cares.
I posted this anonymously a few weeks ago. In the 'Missed Connections' section of the Athens Craigslist. I got bored, had had a beer or two, and wanted to see if I'd get any response. I got a few emails; three said they liked it. One said I should write a novel. And the last said "your sick" [sic]. Okay... Anyway, just decided to move it here before the post expires and I don't have it written down anywhere else.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I'm out of time...
The song "Out Of Touch" by Hall and Oates has been stuck in my head for two days. Only the chorus. I would like it to stop now.
This lady, she had a great itchin'
To switch out the lights in her kitchen
She did not make a date
With a measuring tape
So these fixtures she will be a-switchin'.
In related news, I got yelled at at work for making too many jokes. I was told to stop with the joking around, 'we don't have time for that'. Ok, fine. I'll stop joking, stop trying to make my miserable job fun. I'll abandon my coping mechanism for dealing with the General Public, and well perhaps I'll just shove a pen in my eye. This was from the one person I work with who seems to have a major problem with me. Who also happens to be the assistant store manager over my entire zone. I'm guessing it's personal somehow, though I have no idea what I ever did to this person; they've treated me with nothing but disdain since the day they started. I can barely get them to say hello to me; sometimes I get a response, sometimes just a nod. I'm never spoken to first unless it's to say something negative. I recently had my annual review; it was a good one, they gave me a raise. My department manager did all the talking, my zone manager was there and signed the document, but did not say one word the entire time let alone even look at me. The whole thing is pretty stupid, really. This person is not particularly genial in the first place, and just doesn't seem human. I've been trying to just let it slide; why should I give a fuck if they don't like me for whatever reason? I will keep being nice to them regardless because I'm not the one with the problem. But the stupid part is that it's getting to the point that it's starting to get to me; it's starting to actually hurt my feelings. And I feel like they are out to get me, like they have it in for me. And since to them I do everything wrong or I'm just in the way, I am paranoid to do anything for fear of it being used against me. I want out of my department so badly because of this.
Still looking for other jobs. Still not finding anything out there.
Also still keeping a relocation in the back of my mind. With each day that passes I believe more and more I just will not find what I want in life here. Which is too bad, because otherwise I do like it here for the most part.
Ha, maybe if I wasn't so crass and weird and gutter-minded, or didn't drink so much beer, or didn't belch or say 'fuck' so much I would be able to get a nice attractive young man to court me.
This lady, she had a great itchin'
To switch out the lights in her kitchen
She did not make a date
With a measuring tape
So these fixtures she will be a-switchin'.
In related news, I got yelled at at work for making too many jokes. I was told to stop with the joking around, 'we don't have time for that'. Ok, fine. I'll stop joking, stop trying to make my miserable job fun. I'll abandon my coping mechanism for dealing with the General Public, and well perhaps I'll just shove a pen in my eye. This was from the one person I work with who seems to have a major problem with me. Who also happens to be the assistant store manager over my entire zone. I'm guessing it's personal somehow, though I have no idea what I ever did to this person; they've treated me with nothing but disdain since the day they started. I can barely get them to say hello to me; sometimes I get a response, sometimes just a nod. I'm never spoken to first unless it's to say something negative. I recently had my annual review; it was a good one, they gave me a raise. My department manager did all the talking, my zone manager was there and signed the document, but did not say one word the entire time let alone even look at me. The whole thing is pretty stupid, really. This person is not particularly genial in the first place, and just doesn't seem human. I've been trying to just let it slide; why should I give a fuck if they don't like me for whatever reason? I will keep being nice to them regardless because I'm not the one with the problem. But the stupid part is that it's getting to the point that it's starting to get to me; it's starting to actually hurt my feelings. And I feel like they are out to get me, like they have it in for me. And since to them I do everything wrong or I'm just in the way, I am paranoid to do anything for fear of it being used against me. I want out of my department so badly because of this.
Still looking for other jobs. Still not finding anything out there.
Also still keeping a relocation in the back of my mind. With each day that passes I believe more and more I just will not find what I want in life here. Which is too bad, because otherwise I do like it here for the most part.
Ha, maybe if I wasn't so crass and weird and gutter-minded, or didn't drink so much beer, or didn't belch or say 'fuck' so much I would be able to get a nice attractive young man to court me.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Would you like to sit outdoors and watch lightning bugs with me some evening this summer?
Sure! But I guess you would no longer be anonymous, then...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Does it make me strange?
I feel like an anomaly here. I feel that somehow it makes me strange to want the things I want. Everyone here wants to have fun. Everyone here wants a little money in their pocket. Everyone here wants someone on their arm. But leading to what? Athens, when you look at it, reminds me of Never Never Land in the Peter Pan story. Everyone here is younger than their years; everyone here is trying not to grow up because they equate growing up with growing old. And the few that are wanting more are left standing alone as those around them cling to their temporary and ultimately unfulfilling ways. And half the time, those few don't find each other. This town is full of people who are frustrated; whether it be financially, career-wise, or relationship-wise, they are all frustrated. When you become frustrated, it's easy to become jaded. And when you become jaded, you decide you're better off just keeping things they way they are because, hell, you're only going to be disappointed in the end anyway, right? Which means you've become bitter, but you'll say that you're not. The frustration remains; people constantly (though maybe mostly subconsciously) craving something of greater substance but refusing to just let go and let something happen. None of us want to grow old, so all of us refuse to grow up.
But I still have this stupid hope. I'm a pessimist, I'm bitter (and won't lie about it), and I'm just as jaded as the rest of them. But I know what I do eventually want. I don't see what is so wrong with wanting to grow up. I can still be fun, and have a more 'real' job. I can still be attractive, and be committed to someone. I can still be a smartass, and be a mother. Shit, I can do all that and still share good coversation and good times and good beers with good friends and play in a band and read books at coffee shops. Because I don't think that wanting those things: a life-long partner, a family, some stability- make me an old lady. They just move me into a different phase, a grown-up phase. But not a grown-old phase.
I still have this stupid hope, this thread of positive thinking, that I can find all that here. Have the best of both worlds. I know that I'm almost 30. I know that I do want to get married. I want to have a child. I want a chance to have everything I've never had as far as family goes. I know I can do better than my parents did... How beautiful it is in my mind to wake up each morning next to my best friend and in honest true love. How amazing to be able to create a new life, both figuratively and literally, together. I am in no way bothered by the idea of being with only one person for the rest of my life, because if it's the right person, I won't need anything else. And when there are bumps, which I know are inevitable, they will be worth doing what is necessary to smooth things back out.
Yet, I look around and I feel like everyone around doesn't see the point. They don't believe it's possible. They think it would be boring. They think it makes them old. They think, "Someday, maybe, we'll see... when I'm older" when they're already halfway through their 30's. "I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not ready to be old" they say... well, what happens when all of a sudden they look around and realize they're nearing 50 and have never given anything a chance because they were afraid they would get old too fast, they were afraid of giving up youth. And now youth has abondoned them, age is advancing quickly, and no one is there to share it with them. Then they become frustrated, and then jaded, and then bitter... and the cycle continues. Then I see my father, who has made some bad choices and allowed himself to be broken down by the wrong women and he says "Who needs that? I don't need any one, people just hurt you, people just take. I'm better off on my own!". Then he goes home to the house where he has a room upstairs, in his mother's house. And he sits on the porch at night alone and finishes a 12-pack of High Life. Every few weeks he'll call me, and rehash things from the past that could have and more than likely should have gone differently; he tells me how he failed me, etc etc... and then claims he's completely happy with his life because he does what he wants and has no one to answer to. And I am sad because I know how lonely he really is.
I don't want that. I want to enjoy grown-up aspects of life before I grow old. I want to be the person that makes someone else happy, that takes away someone else's loneliness and makes sure they know how much them being in my life means to me. I want a dream, the ideal, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The challenge will be finding someone who wants the same that also gets along with someone as quirky as me. And the bigger challenge will be deciding how much longer I will give it before I throw in the towel in this town and search the greener pastures elsewhere. And then will I wonder what might have happened had I not run away? Will I end up settling for what appears simply because I give up thinking I'll find what I want before I'm too grown-old? Or will I search for so long for something elusive and impossible, only to miss growing up, instead to simply grow old alone and become permanently just as jaded and bitter as everyone who didn't have my dreams?
But I still have this stupid hope. I'm a pessimist, I'm bitter (and won't lie about it), and I'm just as jaded as the rest of them. But I know what I do eventually want. I don't see what is so wrong with wanting to grow up. I can still be fun, and have a more 'real' job. I can still be attractive, and be committed to someone. I can still be a smartass, and be a mother. Shit, I can do all that and still share good coversation and good times and good beers with good friends and play in a band and read books at coffee shops. Because I don't think that wanting those things: a life-long partner, a family, some stability- make me an old lady. They just move me into a different phase, a grown-up phase. But not a grown-old phase.
I still have this stupid hope, this thread of positive thinking, that I can find all that here. Have the best of both worlds. I know that I'm almost 30. I know that I do want to get married. I want to have a child. I want a chance to have everything I've never had as far as family goes. I know I can do better than my parents did... How beautiful it is in my mind to wake up each morning next to my best friend and in honest true love. How amazing to be able to create a new life, both figuratively and literally, together. I am in no way bothered by the idea of being with only one person for the rest of my life, because if it's the right person, I won't need anything else. And when there are bumps, which I know are inevitable, they will be worth doing what is necessary to smooth things back out.
Yet, I look around and I feel like everyone around doesn't see the point. They don't believe it's possible. They think it would be boring. They think it makes them old. They think, "Someday, maybe, we'll see... when I'm older" when they're already halfway through their 30's. "I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not ready to be old" they say... well, what happens when all of a sudden they look around and realize they're nearing 50 and have never given anything a chance because they were afraid they would get old too fast, they were afraid of giving up youth. And now youth has abondoned them, age is advancing quickly, and no one is there to share it with them. Then they become frustrated, and then jaded, and then bitter... and the cycle continues. Then I see my father, who has made some bad choices and allowed himself to be broken down by the wrong women and he says "Who needs that? I don't need any one, people just hurt you, people just take. I'm better off on my own!". Then he goes home to the house where he has a room upstairs, in his mother's house. And he sits on the porch at night alone and finishes a 12-pack of High Life. Every few weeks he'll call me, and rehash things from the past that could have and more than likely should have gone differently; he tells me how he failed me, etc etc... and then claims he's completely happy with his life because he does what he wants and has no one to answer to. And I am sad because I know how lonely he really is.
I don't want that. I want to enjoy grown-up aspects of life before I grow old. I want to be the person that makes someone else happy, that takes away someone else's loneliness and makes sure they know how much them being in my life means to me. I want a dream, the ideal, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The challenge will be finding someone who wants the same that also gets along with someone as quirky as me. And the bigger challenge will be deciding how much longer I will give it before I throw in the towel in this town and search the greener pastures elsewhere. And then will I wonder what might have happened had I not run away? Will I end up settling for what appears simply because I give up thinking I'll find what I want before I'm too grown-old? Or will I search for so long for something elusive and impossible, only to miss growing up, instead to simply grow old alone and become permanently just as jaded and bitter as everyone who didn't have my dreams?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Change Is Gonna Come
So. I'm going to be graduating from school in one week. Again. Maybe this time I'll use my degree. Maybe not. Again. Either way, I now know more specialized things that other people don't. One thing is for sure... I am done with school. I thought going back a few years ago would change things for the better, get me into a different place and get my mind off things I had no business giving the time of day in the first place (Again). But it didn't, really. For a minute it was good. But in the end, I still do think it's been one of the worst decisions of my life. Once I started, I wasn't going to quit. So now I'm done, and at the end of it all I've lost everything and am in the process of starting over. Again. I know I will never completely heal and I'm coming to terms with that. But at least this is one thing I will no longer have to worry about. Ever again.
I have stopped writting limericks at work. I have switched to haiku for the time being. The thing is, it seems few people get them. Few got the limericks unless I made the jokes fairly obvious and avoided more obscure references, but when limiting oneself to so few syllables it seems the joke is often lost completely. Besides the fact that there are many who don't know what a limerick or haiku is. But I did two haiku at work today to entertain myself. I will share my masterpieces with you... keep in mind, these are related to things at my job.
It's a Saturday...
OMG! MUST BUY FLOWERS!
Life depends on it.
Through the break-room door-
Surprise! Fly-strip "mistletoe"...
Don't get caught beneath!
The second one is in reference to the RIDICULOUS fly problem we now have. It got hot, it rained, and then the air wasn't on in the store. And BAM!... flies frickin' everywhere. So they've been billing out those adhesive fly-strip things to hang everywhere. Not that they work all that well- they aren't baited or anything. You just have to hope the flies are too retarded to fly right and end up getting too close and get stuck. What we all need are those handheld zappers. The ones that look like mini tennis rackets, only they're battery-powered. Those are great. Except then we'd probably all run around zapping each other. Because we are all really mature that way.
I have recently fallen in love with my front porch. A perfect afternoon consists of sitting on my front porch. A perfect evening consists of sitting on my front porch with a beverage. Hell, I'll have a beverage in the afternoon too. And a book. Though significant company would also be nice. I had a lovely afternoon about a month ago- sat all day on the porch drinking beers and playing Uno!, then Parcheesi, then back to Uno! because it's awesome. I want more days like that.
I love my backyard, too. But not as much since recently it's become a mosquito haven. I don't know where they're hiding out, but it doesn't matter what time of day you go back there. Once you're behind the house you are nothing but a side of beef for those swarms. Which sucks. Because my backyard could be really nice what with the table and grill and firepit and shade (and 'pool' if I ever want to set it up). It's still nice. I just don't want to be sucked dry those ravenous wenches.
I have stopped writting limericks at work. I have switched to haiku for the time being. The thing is, it seems few people get them. Few got the limericks unless I made the jokes fairly obvious and avoided more obscure references, but when limiting oneself to so few syllables it seems the joke is often lost completely. Besides the fact that there are many who don't know what a limerick or haiku is. But I did two haiku at work today to entertain myself. I will share my masterpieces with you... keep in mind, these are related to things at my job.
It's a Saturday...
OMG! MUST BUY FLOWERS!
Life depends on it.
Through the break-room door-
Surprise! Fly-strip "mistletoe"...
Don't get caught beneath!
The second one is in reference to the RIDICULOUS fly problem we now have. It got hot, it rained, and then the air wasn't on in the store. And BAM!... flies frickin' everywhere. So they've been billing out those adhesive fly-strip things to hang everywhere. Not that they work all that well- they aren't baited or anything. You just have to hope the flies are too retarded to fly right and end up getting too close and get stuck. What we all need are those handheld zappers. The ones that look like mini tennis rackets, only they're battery-powered. Those are great. Except then we'd probably all run around zapping each other. Because we are all really mature that way.
I have recently fallen in love with my front porch. A perfect afternoon consists of sitting on my front porch. A perfect evening consists of sitting on my front porch with a beverage. Hell, I'll have a beverage in the afternoon too. And a book. Though significant company would also be nice. I had a lovely afternoon about a month ago- sat all day on the porch drinking beers and playing Uno!, then Parcheesi, then back to Uno! because it's awesome. I want more days like that.
I love my backyard, too. But not as much since recently it's become a mosquito haven. I don't know where they're hiding out, but it doesn't matter what time of day you go back there. Once you're behind the house you are nothing but a side of beef for those swarms. Which sucks. Because my backyard could be really nice what with the table and grill and firepit and shade (and 'pool' if I ever want to set it up). It's still nice. I just don't want to be sucked dry those ravenous wenches.
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