This may be odd, but based on your writing alone, I wish there was some way I could grant you three of your birthday wishes. I think I would only be able to honor three out of the seven because I only have one car and I can't guarantee that it's tick free

I would never take your only car. Which three? A single tick-infested car eliminates one, but leave six to choose from!

Ask me anything

They say that 30 is the new 20...

This Saturday is my 30th birthday. I didn't think I'd care, but now that it looms less than 5 days away, I realize I do. I'm freaking out a little. A lot. I don't know. Not about being old or anything like that, but about the fact that at this point it's entirely possible I may never get a few of the things I wanted in my life. Some things have time limits. I guess it's the beginning of coming to terms with dreams lost. And trying not to wonder why others somehow 'deserve' those things more than I, since that is how I often feel. It's stupid and unfounded, I know. But that's how it is. You see things drift out of touch, and wonder what you did wrong. What you did to deserve losing out. And what the hell those people did to be better than you and deserve it more. Blah. Anyway.

My mom called today while I was at work. Left a message. She thought I called her last night... Nope. I did leave her a message about a month ago, so I guess it was that message she just got. In the message she said she went and visited my grandmother out in Arizona recently; my grandmother moved there this past springtime. That's cool. But part of me wonders how she found the time to go to Arizona (from McDonough) when she's been too busy the past 4 years to make it to Athens for one day... such is life, though.

WHAT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY

• A car. My requirements are few. Decent running condition. Heat/air. A radio. No missing windows. And no parasitic infestations. Being filled with ticks is totally a deal-breaker.
•  A massage. My muscles hate me.
• Someone else to throw me a birthday party. I've had one party/gathering my entire life (no exaggeration- never had a kid's party), and I organized it. For my 27th. And at the end of the night, a number of people skipped out on their open tabs, and I ended up shelling out an extra hundred bucks to buy their dinner and drinks. Not cool. Happy birthday to me.
• People to just actually commit to coming to a birthday gathering I try to put together so I don't just stay home and get hammered alone. Which is very tempting.
• A new wardrobe. I've been wearing the same shit for 6 years. Some things longer. I need someone with some style to help me out, too. I got fashion-issues.
• To not owe anyone money.
• Finding a super-awesome man-friend wouldn't be too shabby, either. Notice I didn't say boyfriend. I'm sick to death of 25-35 year old boys. 

WHAT I WILL NOT GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY

• All of the above.

WHAT I CAN EXPECT TO GET FOR MY BIRTHDAY 

• BLOTTO. Yes, sir. Whether it be out with some folks, or home with my cats. It will happen.
• Bills in my mailbox. Those come every day. Except Sunday. Good Christian bills, they are.
• Cat puke somewhere in my house. Another absolute given.
• A phone call from at least one family member. Quite possibly a parent, much less possibly both parents. 
• A year older. No shit, Shirlock, but which leads to...
• More grey hair.
• A raging kill-me-now hangover. It'll be a belated gift, but the magnitude will make up for the tardiness.

Mandatory Once-Monthly Post.

Seems that that's the way it is now... I have been most slack in updating. Just haven't felt like there is a whole lot to say that means anything, at least not to anyone but me. Though hell, I'm the one that reads this thing most often! So I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe I should act like this is Twitter and just post each and every single mundane moment of my life; "Just ate some cereal! Frosted Chocolate Mini-Wheats!!", "Haha! My cat just puked on the floor. Again!", "Man, I just took an immensely satisfying dump. Feel ten pounds lighter! Aahh!". Ok, so maybe not.

More randomness to follow since my creative/sarcastic muses have apparently jumped ship...


Dear Facebook Friends Who (1) Are Engaged or (2) Have Children:

(1) Yes, I know you're excited about your wedding... I'm happy for you and your soulmate! I know you can't wait to not have sex anymore and can't wait to argue about money all the time and are ready to begin the next Chapter of your life that may or may not lead to becoming another statistic and the next Chapter (13) after that... but some of us are single and bitter and jaded and not your besties nor invited to said wedding. So please. Five updates a day about your impending nuptuals are enough. We know. You posted about it yesterday. Congrats and Good Luck! Hopefully it will last forever, with only one visit to marriage counseling. Please stop flooding my newsfeed. It's no longer news.

(2) Yes, your child is the most adorable thing on Earth... I'm so happy you figured out how to procreate! I know you don't have sex anymore and are worried about money because kids are expensive and now you can't afford to ever leave the house and do anything else to occupy your attention and that those cute-ass (disclosure of opinion: usually not) babies are the next Chapter (13?) in your life... but some of us are childless and awkward with babies and not really interested in them at this stage of our lives. So please. Ten posts plus new photos a day about your kid and what it did six minutes ago are enough. We know. You posted about it yesterday. Congrats and Good Luck! Hopefully they'll turn out fairly normally and only have to see a therapist once or twice. Please stop flooding my newsfeed. It's no longer news.

Ok. Now that I've gotten that out of the way and proven myself to be the Town Grump, moving on...

Just added a Portishead station to my Pandora. Was about to go back to Quickmix, but damn I love me some Portishead...

I am in love with my new job. And I really like the folks I work with. For once I feel like I fit in somewhere. Maybe it's because we're all just a little off. But it works. And a mutual love of beer doesn't hurt either!

Halloween is soon! Am I dressing up? What am I going to be? No, really. I have no idea. I suppose I could recycle an old costume... but that's just lazy. Better than nothing at all?

I spent 3 hours today scrubbing the everliving shit out of my stove. It gets dirty really easily, but on top of that it came with some completely cooked-on grease/food/crap when I moved it. It's REALLY old. It honestly could probably use a serious going-over by someone who specializes in older (50+ years...) gas appliances. Sometimes I'm a little worried it might just blow up one morning while I'm frying up some pig. Anyway. Right now it is cleaner and whiter than it has ever been since I've lived here. And now I don't want to cook on it ever again. But I will. And I've decided to give the built-in griddle a try too.

A few weeks ago, I killed an inchworm. It was an accident, but I felt horrible. I had just arrived at work for a closing shift at the Big Box. As I turned off The Trukk, I felt something on my leg. Oh! A cute little green inchworm! Well, I got him on my finger... but this is where things went terribly wrong. I should have taken him over to one of the islands in the parking lot that have a tree and shrubs and whatnot in them. But my dumb ass didn't do that. Instead I thought "I'll put him down right here in the parking lot! Oh, I'll put him under the truck in the shade so he's not in direct sunlight!"
Yeah. Well. Bad idea. See... asphalt that has been in the summer sun is hot. And the shade of a truck that's been parked for a total of one minute doesn't make it much... well, any cooler. So I set him down under the truck and he immediately starts to thrash around, as much as an inchworm can. So then I realize that the asphalt is hot and he's thrashing because he's being cooked alive, so I freak and try to pick him back up.  But he won't crawl back onto my hand, and I can't just pick him up normally because I'll squish him, so I try to roll him into my hand. But he keeps gettting in the damn little crevices and pits in the asphalt, and is still thrashing, and then the wind blows, and he gets blown further under the truck and I can't reach him. So I think I should just squish him now, but can't get to him, and the wind doesn't blow him closer, and so I watch him stop thrashing about a minute later. And I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world, and am actually tearing up as I walk into work. Bah... craptastic.

One other insect story, since that's turned into today's topic: I accidentally microwaved a fruit fly on my lunch break at the Big Box. I guess he was already in there, and I put in my food and microwaved it on high for 1:45. When I opened it to take out my tupperware, I saw it underneath the clear glass turntable. Walking towards the edge. Then he found the opening and freaking flew away. I thought living things exploded when microwaved. Fruit flies must be like cockroaches... when the Apocalypse and/or Nuclear Holocaust happens and we are all irradicated and incinerated and mutated and whatever else might happen when Four Horsemen and/or Four Warheads show up; mere seconds after impact and before the dust has settled the cockroaches and fruit flies will look at each other and say "Hey! Did you feel that??".

hey....i've had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don't go on here a lot. but please message me on www.dateanswer.com under the username "wishfulthinker". please don't get all weird. =)

Hmmm.... smells a little spammy, don't you think?

That website leads to some Christian dating website. Yeah. No Christians to be found on this blog. Sorry to disappoint.

Ask me anything

Writer's Block.

 I started this post a week ago. Then forgot about it. Let's finish it, and see what happens...

Seems lately that's what I have. Shit. Not like I generally write anything profound or intensely creative. Usually just bitching and random thoughts. Apparently I haven't even had any of those for the past month-and-a-half. So here I am, writing a post out of necessity.

Oh, ha! Did I say 'necessity'??? None of you need this blog. I thought I did, but evidence is pointing in the opposite direction. Somehow I've become too preoccupied for bitching and moaning and making fun of things. WTF, yo? What is happening to me? There have been no life-changing events; no sudden fairy-tale love or lottery winnings. Just sheer laziness. So you get what follows! Aren't you excited?

A couple weeks ago I was driving on the loop. And I passed a severed deer head. Yeah. What the hell? It wasn't like the head had just gotten whacked loose from a body being nailed by a Ford F-150. It hadn't become maggot feed yet. The skin was almost perfectly intact, and the neck was cleanly cut. This was an actual severed deer head. As in purposefully severed. Someone physically cut the head off a deer, and tossed it onto the side of the loop. What? Really?

It's getting close to Halloween. Well, sort of. In Retail-Land, 'getting close' means the two months (or more)  prior to any holiday. We've had Halloween stuff since Labor Day. Christmas starts showing up next week. Deck The Halls, dude. At work the other day, I had a sudden memory. We have these really obnoxious motion-activated full-size Halloween characters. There is a witch whose eyes blink red and she moves around and says "Welcome to my Hooooommme!' and something else I can't understand. I want to punch it every day. The only fun thing about it is that it has a wireless microphone, and can be set to act as the amplifier- you can hide somewhere and talk through it. And scare the shit out of customers. There is also a 6'5" skeleton dressed in a black frock that laughs or something- I tend to ignore them as best I can. Last year I was working at the return desk one day, and they had the skeleton guy outside on display. I guess the wind kicked up a bit, and it fell over, face down. This woman came running in all frantic telling me to call 911 because there was someone passed out in front of the store!! So I go out there and she's freaking and saying 'He's not moving!", and it's that damn skeleton thing. How the hell she thought it was a real person is beyond me. Either way, I got a good laugh out of it.

When I started this post last week there was something really fun and I'm sure full of smartassery and wit that  I was going to write. Of course I got here and totally forgot. And I have yet to remember...

In current news (actually current, not from the previous draft I'd saved of this posting), I got a part-time job. So I will be cutting my hours back to part time at the Big Box. It came at the perfect time, because I was reaching a point where I was quite possibly going to just lose it one day and storm out in some sort of blaze of glory or embarrassment. So I've averted that crisis. I'm excited about the new place; I think I'll be much happier and fit in better. If only it were full-time!

Gah!! Where did all my little ideas go?? Poopy.

Minor Irritations Of The Day

I need to order new checks. I have one left. I don't want checks declaring my love for Jesus. I don't want checks with Spongebob Squarepants on them. I don't want checks bursting forth with American flags and eagles and all that patriotic shit. I don't want pretty pastel garden scenes or cute puppies or anything to do with The Red Hat Society. I just want a small box of checks with my name spelled correctly and my actual address on them. I guess the correct account number is a given, since asking for the account number of someone else's larger-balanced account is probably not gonna fly. I don't care if they're made of old maxipads, dammit. I just want the cheapest checks I can get so I can pay my fricking rent. The online ordering page used to have all those crap options for Personalized Checks! Yay! Now my debt collectors can know how much I like pasta!!, but then there was this nifty link to Economy Checks. The boring, $7-a-box ones. Where is that link?? It's gone. So I go to the Special Purpose link.... ah, there is the cheap design I had last time, a box of only 50 since I don't use them very much... Good. Go through all the ordering, fixing my address, etc... hit Checkout...
And get a damn error message saying 'check style obsolete'.
So I go back to that Special Purpose link. There is another 50-check box with variety designs. Four designs in all. At least two fall into the category of Designs I Do Not Want, but whatever. If they're the cheap ones I'll deal with every 4th check having the Statue of Liberty superimposed on a waving American flag. Go through all the same ordering BS, hit Checkout...
And get that same damn error message. FUCK YOU CHECK PEOPLE.
Guess I'll have to go to the bank and do it.

Annoyance #2... wrote the check for my water/sewage/garbage bill today. Cost of total bill equals $44.46. That is for all three services. $17.00 is the flat rate for my trash service (which they will not let my neighbor and I, who live in the same house with a wall between us, consolidate...). I don't use much water because I live alone. So, besides trash, the second biggest chunk of the bill? Customer Service Fees. WTF? I've only been in there once, to set up my service, and I can assure you the service was not that great, seeing as how they were trying to get me to pay the 3-month past due bill from the previous tenant, and required proof that my name was not Christopher G. Yeah, no. And there are TWO customer service fees. One for water, one for sewer. It is the same office. Total in Customer Service Fees to ACC? $14.32. Customer service fees make up a little over one-fourth of the total bill. Complete BS.

Anyway. The airing of the grievances is complete.

For now.

Time's fun when you're having flies!

It's already August. This year has seemed to go by extremely fast. At least with it moving by so quickly, there hasn't been 'time' for 2010 to become the absolute shitstorm that 2009 was for many people, myself included. I can't say I'm any further ahead than I was, or even back on track, definitely not completely over it, but at least I'm not quite as dead inside as I was when this year started. I just hope I'm not jinxing the rest of the year by bringing it up.

It's been almost 17 months since I was laid off. 16 months since I moved out to Bishop. 15 months since starting the job I have now. 10 months since the final nail in the coffin of 2009 was pounded in. 9 months since I moved back from Bishop to my current apartment. And now almost 2 months since I finished school. Yet it all seems so new still.

10 months. Been a hot minute. I would love to say that I'm totally over it by now. I should be, I know. I want to be. But I would be lying if I said I was. It's not as frequent a thought as it used to be, not even close. But there are still times when something reminds me (of the good or of the bad). Or I'll have a random dream (nightmare?). And then I'm tossed into a brief period of crushing sadness. My heart feels that same shattering with unbelievable intensity, a bizarre act of muscle memory, like it just happened yesterday. Depending on the trigger, sometimes tears still flow against my will. I hate this. Almost as much as I hate what caused it. I suppose it wouldn't still be like this if I also would have had someone else to focus on immediately, but I didn't. I didn't have anyone. And I'm sure it will fade a lot faster if I do find someone else to occupy my thoughts. Until then... well. I do what I can. I try to stay positive about it, keep up the hope. And think of the things that make me feel better about it all... First, that though I dislike still feeling this way, and am even ashamed of it, I know I did no wrong. And I also know that since I do still have these passing episodes , I can be assured that I was never lying about my real feelings. I wasn't blowing smoke up anyone's ass. I meant exactly what I said, and said exactly how I felt, even if he didn't. I was true and honest and open and took care to not be telling someone I loved them when I really didn't, or didn't yet know if I did or not, or didn't even know if what I was feeling was love or just the warm glow from the last orgasm. Second, the whole idea of Karma; what goes around comes around, is still comforting as vindictive as that sounds.

I've missed my first opportunity at getting the fuck out of dodge. Though I only moved in 9 months ago, my lease automatically renewed this month. I didn't give 30 days notice of an Exodus From Athens, and the landlord didn't give me 30 days notice of Get The Hell Out Of My House. So on paper, I'm here until next August. I will still try to find a job I actually want to do here in the meantime. I have not set a true limit on how much time I'm going to give a life-affirming event to happen before I head for other pastures. I couldn't have gone anywhere yet anyway- moving costs money, and I have no money. Shit, I don't even have a car right now.

Speaking of life-affirming events... meh. I've been a bit indulgent in some self-gratifying and possibly self-destructive behaviours lately. Nothing extreme, and I know lots of folks who are even more indulgent, and I don't necessarily see anything really wrong with having a little fun. I just tend to freak out about what people think of me, and though I need to not give a shit about that, I do. Not even in a General Reputation sort of way- I'm definitely not bad enough to warrant worrying too much about that, but more about how some individuals may view me and my placement in their lives. I just don't want them to get a completely wrong idea about me. I also don't want them to get the impression that I'm going to jump every time they ask. Yeah, I might have before, but I was also being self-serving. Getting a temporary fix of my own. Once again, nothing wrong with that. But the thing about it is that it is obvious that it isn't going to lead me to what I want. Of course, I can always take advantage of that situation while also scouting out something with potential... and in all fairness I can easily just say "Not this time, thanks", plus going back to the smoke-blowing thing, at least they are straight up about it. I guess it's just that even if it's nothing, I wish they would try a little harder. Maybe just give actually getting to know me outside of the group a chance. I'm more than just that chick that hangs out with the dudes, and I'm definitely more than just some chick to text/message at 3am when you're bored. Invite me over to the dinner, not only afterward when everyone else is gone. After all, what is wrong with making a friend?

Today is my older half-brother's birthday. He turns 20 today. Unfortunately, he's made some really bad decisions in his short life, and is going to be spending this and his next birthday in the clink. He has a history of screwing up... but this is the first time he's not been able to somehow get out of it. I know he's completely miserable and lonely; my mom tells me how she goes to visit him, and he just cries. I sent him a card, but what to say in a birthday card to someone who can't do anything? I'm bad at writing stuff in cards anyway because it always sounds so contrived and redundant and meaningless... sympathy cards are the worst! But this was just as awkward. "Hey, happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your day! Don't get beat up in the yard or assaulted in the showers. Do something fun! Like chatting with the schizophrenic repeat-offender in the next cell. I bet he has lots of great stories. Maybe you can score an extra corn muffin in the dining hall today. I guess they won't let you have a candle to blow out, seeing as how you might be able to use it as a weapon, but maybe you could snag a cigarette from a buddy on your block and use that instead to make your birthday wish. Have a great day!"

Day two of four off in a row. And here I am, sitting inside, writing a damn blog post. It is time I went and did something else completely nonproductive. I am fucking awesome!