2009. The year that went down in infamy.

A year ago today, I had such high hopes for 2009.

After having a mildly stressful 2008, which then turned around in the second half, the first day of '09 held nothing but good for me. I finally liked where I was, who I was, and everything else that goes with it. It really did seem like finally things were going my way, and it was about damn time too. I saw so much potential for 2009.

I had a job that I liked though the pay was a little on the low end.
I lived in a little house that I loved and had no desire to leave.
I was seeing a man I was already falling deeply in love with, who seemed to care for me just as much as, if not more than, I cared for him.
I had the school situation figured out, and it was no longer a concern.
All in all, I had a keen eye on the future and all things looked good.

Funny how everything can fall apart in a year. One by one, each of these things (and all the lesser things that went with them) were systematically taken from me. I didn't lose them; they were ripped away from me and I was left standing there wondering what I'd done this time to deserve it.

It started in March. My job decided they didn't need me; first they dropped me from 46 hours a week to 16 with a promise that my hours would return when the fiscal year turned in a couple weeks. Budgeting, they said. But no worries, you'll be back on the first of next month. Lie. Two weeks later they laid me off instead. Right in the middle of a completely bottomed out job market- no one was hiring. Then it took three weeks for unemployment to go through, so I was without any income for almost a month, and didn't make enough at that last job to keep a buffer going.

So I couldn't pay my rent. I talked to my landlord, and arranged to find new tenants for the house. She agreed to let me out of my lease early with no penalties. But I loved that place.... At the beginning of April I moved into a house with two people I didn't know. A house in the woods 30 minutes from Athens. At first it was cool; there were all these plans for the place and whatnot. It was going to be a nice change from what I was used to.

Beginning in May, I got hired as a seasonal employee at a home improvement retail store as a cashier. Starting pay there was more than minimum wage, and was more than I made at the job I liked. The job is ok; it's mindless and simple and doesn't require outside energy. Clock in, do your thing, clock out, done. And well, in a time and place where any job was scarce, steady employment was welcome. But I often worked evenings, not getting home until 11 pm. Which was around the time said man was generally getting ready for bed for his normal day job. So we started seeing less of each other around this time.

Then one of the housemates got a job in Tennessee. He was going to be living there through the week, and be home on the weekends. The other housemate already worked nights 4 nights a week, so there was often no one there when I was there. It started to get really lonely, and the man was getting tired of driving out there (I was still in a financial hole and was often low on gas).

By the time late July hit, I wanted out of that house because it was too far away, and just so lonely out there. Then that option was the only one I had, because at the beginning of September, I was told that the housemates were breaking the lease, and I should go ahead and find new living arrangements.
I wanted to be closer to town, closer to my love, back in the place I fit better. With working so many evenings, I know he was feeling lonely too since I just couldn't be there as often. But I didn't have a choice at that point. And besides, we loved each other and said so, and what's the most important thing? It was temporary, until I graduated and got a normal job.

Well, even that wasn't good enough. He moved into a new apartment in August, and within two weeks was hanging out with a girl he had tried to date a few years ago. She, at that time, was not interested in the least. But now she was looking for attention from anyone who'd take her. And he was there to give it to her. She lived in the apartment upstairs, one over. So she turned on the charm. She knew what she was doing... and she knew I was busy and not around all that often anymore. She made him believe he was a lot more unhappy than he'd ever been, seeing as how he'd never said anything to me other than about how my schedule sucked, and generally when people really love each other they work on any issues before they just cut and run.

So a month later, he left me for her.

With no warning, nothing.

Just a week earlier he'd made a comment about how he'd never been with someone as long as he had been with me. Then he had said, that same day not even 20 minutes later, that he liked that he could be himself with me; he didn't have to hide his cheesy jokes or crude behavior. He said he liked it even more that I was just as cheesy and crude as he was. He said it made him happy, and that was one reason he loved me. A week before that, he had said that if I needed out of my house, and hadn't found anything, that I could move in with him. He said it would be nice for me to be around more. I wasn't going to do that permanently, because I didn't want to cramp his space, and also because I knew his views on couples living together too soon. But I thought about it, and thought about how nice it would be to be there. We'd also had a running joke about how fast he'd get me to the clinic if I were to get pregnant; obviously neither of us were in a place to have kids, so yeah, terminating it would be the logical thing to do, and this was an opinion shared by both of us... but still, one afternoon in August we were sitting on my back deck. As I said, that talk was generally all joking and stuff. Then he busts out with "Well. I mean, if it really did happen... would you want to keep it?" And I sat for a moment, and said with all honesty, "For me, I guess it would depend on timing. Right now would be bad, because I'd be due just before graduating, so I wouldn't be able to finish school. But say, if it happened in December... well, honestly, I might. Is that ok?" And he said yeah. Also around this time, he was talking about how he really needed to go back to school, to figure out what he wanted to do. I asked why he was so worried about it; I knew he wanted to go back, but he hadn't decided on what or where or anything, so it didn't seem to be so urgent. He said he needed to go back and get a different job. Because he couldn't support a family on his current income.

I mean, if I'm telling the man I would have his kid he's got to realize that I'm in it for the long haul. And these statements made by him all happened in the month previous to him leaving out of nowhere. And to me, these things don't sound like things that someone who is totally unhappy would say to their significant other.

But regardless, I guess 2009 had other plans, because he still left.

That was definitely the kicker for the year. After everything else fell apart, I had the one thing left. But he just couldn't handle real life it seems. Just couldn't handle that things aren't always perfect, and that people aren't always completely happy.

So yup. 2009. A year that started out with so much promise ended up ripping me a new one. And for that, I say Good Riddance, 2009. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.