Mandatory Once-Monthly Post.

Seems that that's the way it is now... I have been most slack in updating. Just haven't felt like there is a whole lot to say that means anything, at least not to anyone but me. Though hell, I'm the one that reads this thing most often! So I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe I should act like this is Twitter and just post each and every single mundane moment of my life; "Just ate some cereal! Frosted Chocolate Mini-Wheats!!", "Haha! My cat just puked on the floor. Again!", "Man, I just took an immensely satisfying dump. Feel ten pounds lighter! Aahh!". Ok, so maybe not.

More randomness to follow since my creative/sarcastic muses have apparently jumped ship...


Dear Facebook Friends Who (1) Are Engaged or (2) Have Children:

(1) Yes, I know you're excited about your wedding... I'm happy for you and your soulmate! I know you can't wait to not have sex anymore and can't wait to argue about money all the time and are ready to begin the next Chapter of your life that may or may not lead to becoming another statistic and the next Chapter (13) after that... but some of us are single and bitter and jaded and not your besties nor invited to said wedding. So please. Five updates a day about your impending nuptuals are enough. We know. You posted about it yesterday. Congrats and Good Luck! Hopefully it will last forever, with only one visit to marriage counseling. Please stop flooding my newsfeed. It's no longer news.

(2) Yes, your child is the most adorable thing on Earth... I'm so happy you figured out how to procreate! I know you don't have sex anymore and are worried about money because kids are expensive and now you can't afford to ever leave the house and do anything else to occupy your attention and that those cute-ass (disclosure of opinion: usually not) babies are the next Chapter (13?) in your life... but some of us are childless and awkward with babies and not really interested in them at this stage of our lives. So please. Ten posts plus new photos a day about your kid and what it did six minutes ago are enough. We know. You posted about it yesterday. Congrats and Good Luck! Hopefully they'll turn out fairly normally and only have to see a therapist once or twice. Please stop flooding my newsfeed. It's no longer news.

Ok. Now that I've gotten that out of the way and proven myself to be the Town Grump, moving on...

Just added a Portishead station to my Pandora. Was about to go back to Quickmix, but damn I love me some Portishead...

I am in love with my new job. And I really like the folks I work with. For once I feel like I fit in somewhere. Maybe it's because we're all just a little off. But it works. And a mutual love of beer doesn't hurt either!

Halloween is soon! Am I dressing up? What am I going to be? No, really. I have no idea. I suppose I could recycle an old costume... but that's just lazy. Better than nothing at all?

I spent 3 hours today scrubbing the everliving shit out of my stove. It gets dirty really easily, but on top of that it came with some completely cooked-on grease/food/crap when I moved it. It's REALLY old. It honestly could probably use a serious going-over by someone who specializes in older (50+ years...) gas appliances. Sometimes I'm a little worried it might just blow up one morning while I'm frying up some pig. Anyway. Right now it is cleaner and whiter than it has ever been since I've lived here. And now I don't want to cook on it ever again. But I will. And I've decided to give the built-in griddle a try too.

A few weeks ago, I killed an inchworm. It was an accident, but I felt horrible. I had just arrived at work for a closing shift at the Big Box. As I turned off The Trukk, I felt something on my leg. Oh! A cute little green inchworm! Well, I got him on my finger... but this is where things went terribly wrong. I should have taken him over to one of the islands in the parking lot that have a tree and shrubs and whatnot in them. But my dumb ass didn't do that. Instead I thought "I'll put him down right here in the parking lot! Oh, I'll put him under the truck in the shade so he's not in direct sunlight!"
Yeah. Well. Bad idea. See... asphalt that has been in the summer sun is hot. And the shade of a truck that's been parked for a total of one minute doesn't make it much... well, any cooler. So I set him down under the truck and he immediately starts to thrash around, as much as an inchworm can. So then I realize that the asphalt is hot and he's thrashing because he's being cooked alive, so I freak and try to pick him back up.  But he won't crawl back onto my hand, and I can't just pick him up normally because I'll squish him, so I try to roll him into my hand. But he keeps gettting in the damn little crevices and pits in the asphalt, and is still thrashing, and then the wind blows, and he gets blown further under the truck and I can't reach him. So I think I should just squish him now, but can't get to him, and the wind doesn't blow him closer, and so I watch him stop thrashing about a minute later. And I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world, and am actually tearing up as I walk into work. Bah... craptastic.

One other insect story, since that's turned into today's topic: I accidentally microwaved a fruit fly on my lunch break at the Big Box. I guess he was already in there, and I put in my food and microwaved it on high for 1:45. When I opened it to take out my tupperware, I saw it underneath the clear glass turntable. Walking towards the edge. Then he found the opening and freaking flew away. I thought living things exploded when microwaved. Fruit flies must be like cockroaches... when the Apocalypse and/or Nuclear Holocaust happens and we are all irradicated and incinerated and mutated and whatever else might happen when Four Horsemen and/or Four Warheads show up; mere seconds after impact and before the dust has settled the cockroaches and fruit flies will look at each other and say "Hey! Did you feel that??".