Giving Thanks.

Thanksgiving was two days ago. Or three, depending on how you log time. As far as I'm concerned, it's not tomorrow until you've gone to sleep. So since I haven't gone to bed yet from it being Saturday, that means that two days ago was Thursday. Thanksgiving.Two days ago.
    I'm left here wondering what in the hell I have to give thanks for.
    Yes, I'm aware that things could always be worse. Believe me, I'm a professional pessimist (realist? but with a pessimistic leaning). I know that things can always be worse than they currently are. I could be sitting here with one eye or a leg and a half. Or with a tumor (though I frequently think I may have a brain tumor, or at least an aneurism in the works) or severe schizophrenia. Or with leprosy and a cardboard box to live in. If I'm lucky.
   No, I'm that bad off. I have a roof that also comes equipped with heat (for a price) and all of my appendages, save the very tip of my right pinky. I have three cats that at least stick around (I'm sure the food has most to do with it). I have enough of a grip on my mental being that I'm not going to jump off of a bridge or climb the nearest bell tower with a shotgun. I have some family floating around this country. And I have the potential to fix everything else that isn't what it should or could be.
   Yet, as the pessimist that I am, I am left here wondering what else I have outside of the basic things that everyone else I know has as well. What I may have that I can truely be thankful for. And I can't find much. I'm not looking for any sort of pity-party, nor am I looking for any advice or anything from this. I'm not looking for attention. If anything, I'm trying to avoid it (one of the only reasons I'm not making this a 'private' blog is because a few people actually bitched at me the last time I did that.. though it does surprise me that people want to read my blatherings. You wanna know the shit in my head? Well, then here). And that is what has made me what I am now. A negative, unhappy person that no one can take for more than a little while. I wear people down. I drain their spirits. And I don't mean to. This is just the way I've been since I can remember existing.
   Yeah. Thanksgiving. I'm not really much for holidays, and have never been gung-ho about any of them except for maybe Halloween. Because a holiday that is all about dressing stupid and ending up a with bag of candy, yeah, I'm all about it. I LOVE candy. Give it to me, baby. But the rest of them... meh. Whatever. I'm not religious, so Christmas and Easter are simply symbolic holidays. And I'm not super-patriotic. I like fireworks, but that's mostly because I also have a bit of the pyromaniac streak in me, and settting things on fire is always fun.
   Even though I really could give a rat's ass about something like Thanksgiving, there is something to be said about the fact that this holiday centers around being with those you care about most and those who also care about you (and of course stuffing your faces like the gluttonous creatures that human beings are...). You never notice exactly how alone you really are until a day like this. When you spend the day doing nothing, and no one else even notices. No calls from family, 'friends', nothing. Sure, I got an obligatory invitation to go with my mother and her family to visit my grandmother in North Carolina (who it seems also forgot my birthday), but this invitation wasn't made until it was clearly too late for me to get off work to make the trip. This has happened with my mother at least 5 times, and no matter how many times I remind her that yes, my job may not be glamourous but still requires two-weeks notice for time off, she never remembers. She's not stupid. She just doesn't care enough to think about it ahead of time. And this is an ongoing theme in my life.
  
       So here's what's on my mind this Thanksgiving... I have a job that has no respect or loyalty to me, a job that doesn't care about me at all though I've given them 5 years of my life with only the request that I have Tuesday off (which never happens). This was a job I used to love that has sucked the vitality from my soul. Every week when I go in I feel more disposable and unwanted and unneeded.
     I have a family that forgets that I am part of them. I see them once a year. And when they do see me they do nothing but criticize me; everything from  my hair to my nose ring to my job... they think lowly of me. I also don't know them well anymore, because there's been a great distance between me and the rest of them for years. None of them have attempted to close that canyon. The maternal half of my family has simply moved on. My mother is remarried and has two teenaged sons with my stepfather. They own a house (that I never lived in) and go on vacations (that I'm not a part of). She just has her little family unit now, and it's just unfortunate that I came about before everyone finally got their shit together.
   I started this year with four people I was close to. Four people who I allowed into my life for real. Two of them were closer to me than the other two... The only reason two weren't as close as the others was because of situational circumstances- one seems to always be at home with her boyfriend, the other moved from Athens. Of the two that were closest, one was a friend for shorter of an amount of time than the other three, but who really needed a friend at the time I entered her life. I didn't judge her based on the crap people were saying, and soon found it all to be untrue. We had much in common, and she made me feel at ease and gave me someone to talk to about anything. Then she disappeared. The other was a friend for more than a year and a half, who then crossed that line of friendship to become 'more than friends'. At his urging (and against my better judgement) I decided to give that a shot. And it bit me in the ass eight months later when he turned his back on me as well. He failed to inform me that he never wanted anything more than a very casual situation. He was not looking for any sort of relationship or anything that could ever be more than temporary or extremely flexible. So of the four people who meant the most to me in January, by August two of them had broken my heart. And they both had moved on like I never existed. Losing the stronger half of your support center is never good, especially when you've already got self-esteem as flaky as a chunk of mica.
    All of these things sullied my year. And shoved me into a deeper depression than I've been in a while. I had my share of hopeless days. But...
   So yeah. After thinking on all of this, I just am thankful that I still have at least some sort of drive to keep trying. I'm thankful that I haven't completely given up when it seems that everything else has given up on me. I'm thankful for the knowledge that there really are some decent people out there who do (and will) love me. And all I can do now is work to pull myself up to where I want to be. It can and will happen. I just need a bit of a fresh perspective and a change of pace or scenery. I may also need to cut extraneous communication with a particular person for a while so I can heal and move on (since on that front I've done all I can do, and nothing has changed... time to give up), not forever, just time enough to mend my heart and be able to want nothing more than a friend from them. If anything, this year is nearing it's end, and a fresh start can happen with the new year, if I don't get a jump on it. Things will be good. I will make them that way.

He doesn't want her but

she just won't let him go.



I wish I could say it was completely the other way around. Change the she to he and him to her... I suppose that one could be a little bit true, too, but mostly not. Or so it seems to me. I've gotten myself into this.

Ideally, I'd just drop the second half of that phrase (in the mood space if you didn't figure it out) and drop that nasty negative contraction from doesn't. And lose the but. With these sorts of matters, buts are never good. Or best yet, I'd drop that n't and keep the second half of the phrase because that is essentially what every person on earth wants. To be wanted by the person they want; to be loved in return, and they never want to let them go... for me 'tis not to be.  

I tried to hold onto it. Even when it had already recoiled in bitterness and stubborness, moved out of reach. I made a desperate lunge at it, grabbed it again, but just by the edge. I did this by baring my heart, exposing emotions I'd worked so hard to keep under lock and key, confessing that I did in fact want and need someone other than myself, and ultimately looking foolish. I did this even after being told I was wasting my time. But I grabbed that edge- maybe just the corner- of it again afterwards when I was no longer written off.

Almost six weeks ago.

Since then I've just held onto my hopes. I have refused to give up on them. Which is odd for me because I'm usually ready to cut and run at any given moment. But not this time. Because I really wanted it. 
And I still really do. I don't want to give up on it. How I felt then is how I feel now... that hasn't changed at all.

Except now my hopes are fading fast. When your hope for someone/thing starts to diminish, yet your love for that same someone/thing does not... it's just no good. My heart was bruised before, but now it's finally breaking.

Yeah. All those hopes of mine are fading, and with no encouragement to keep holding onto them, well, maybe it's just time to let them go.

When Drunks Attack...

What the fuck is wrong with people? Last night a coworker of mine was at Allgood for happy hour. Next to her at the bar was some guy no one knew, and he was wasted. At some point he dropped a dollar, and my friend leaned over and picked it up, handing it back to him saying "Hey, you dropped this". Dude had just gotten a new beer, so I guess he dropped it in the transaction. Anyway, she tries to give it back to the guy, but he just stares at her for a second, then picks up his new beer by the bottleneck and whacks her in the face with it. Luckily the bottle didn't break, but still did some damage. She has a broken nose (broken in two places) and had to get stitches. Fucktard tried to leave, but didn't make it far, and was arrested. He apparently told the cops that not only was he drunk, but also on meth. Great. I will say, this guy better be careful once he's out of jail. LOTS of people know this girl, and aren't too happy about an attack on one of their own. Especially an unprovoked attack. One good thing about this town is that there is always someone that has your back. Don't fuck with The Family. 

don't bother

You all want to know why I've been so unhappy?? First off, let me tell you, I've never, never, EVER been a happy person. I was born a negative, pessimistic, bitter, sad person. And I've been that way ever since. Because nothing great has ever happened to me to snap me out of it, to give me hope, to make me believe that I am supposed to be here or that I'm wanted or that I do any one person a damn bit of good. I exist. That's all. And that's been my whole life. Anyway...

I've been so unhappy these past few months because I fell in love with someone who didn't want anyone to love them. Someone who doesn't, and probably will never (or at least will never admit it) return the sentiment. I have never really loved anyone before, not with this sort of intensity, and it's even very unexplained because it's not like this person was all that nice to me all the time. As a matter of fact, he had a good habit of playing quite the asshole whenever he felt like it, and he made me very sad on many occassions. I suppose that's one way I figured out that I loved him; he made me cry more than anyone else ever has. Yet, I can't help but to want nothing more than to be with him. What the hell is wrong with me?

He has his virtues. That's for sure. And for a while I felt like I had pretty much the only view of them. I could forgive the assholery because he also could be very nice. And also because I tend to let people get away with a lot of shit. And in his case, I was also aware that he had some issues of his own, mainly involving trusting others (which I have as well) and being able to show emotion (ditto). I know he was burned in the past. But he also refused to acknowledge that he is getting older, and that things aren't what they used to be, and he's not the same person, and I'm not connected to those who burned him, and that yes, eventually he'll have to decide between settling for someone/thing, or settling for nothing...But I feel like I tried. And maybe he did too, but it didn't seem like it to me. I can be pretty blind, but once again, I stuck around through lots of bullshit.

But then he blew me off for good. And by blew me off, I mean he completely quit talking to me out of nowhere. And this essentially broke my heart. A few weeks later, when I was trying to get him to at least talk to me (I told him I wanted to fix things), he first said "there's nothing to fix" which was like getting punched because to me there certainly was something to fix... I mean, 8 months of whatever we were doing... regardless of whether or not we were 'together', we were friends for 2 years previous, and if anything I would have thought that that was worth something. And that the 8 months of 'more than friends' would have made it worth at least a little more. Then he says he was hurt because I never told him (in person, in words, because emails and texts and things like that don't count, apparently) how I felt about him. I'm a little put off by this, because yes I realize that that is true, but at the same time the fact that I stuck around that long through being treated like I was completely disposable should have showed something... Plus it's not like he ever completely was clear with me either. He is a master at being horribly vague with everything.

Fast forward a month. I can't take it any longer. I've lost lost of weight, been horribly depressed, etc. So I confront him one night, and confess my feelings in a tearful outburst. I make a fool of myself. I even wrote a letter saying everything I said out loud in the event that I pussed out and couldn't do it. Just so that it would be clear to him. So he would know. He at first tells me I'm wasting my time. I just wanted to know why I wasn't worth a second chance. Then when I drop it all, he says he needs some time to process what I've said.

That was over a month ago. Since then, little has changed, except that we speak on a regular basis and he's for the most part civil to me. But he's never gotten back to me from 'processing' what I told him, and he hasn't acted like he wants anything to change. He did say that right now he just wasn't sure if he was in a place personally to be involved with someone else, but he was also very vague about how things could change in the future. I just needed to know if I was completely written off, so that I could move on if needed. He said he hadn't written me off... but... blah, blah, someday, whatever.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I am still in love with someone who won't let himself love me. I want someone who doesn't want anyone, and never will want anyone. Or at least not me. But he keeps me hoping, which is almost worse. Because it keeps me from getting on with my life and finding someone else I could love. The only thing that would make me happy right now is completely unreachable. Unattainable. Untouchable. I'm not good enough. He said that too... (he said no one will ever be good enough).

The only option I have left to try to get over this is to cut off all extra contact. As much as possible at least. I work with him, so I'd see him there, and around as well. And I love him, so it's not like I'd be cutting him off because I hate him or something, and I would be glad to see him from time to time. But the notes, the texts, that stuff... that will have to stop for a while. It will be so hard for me. I'd be cutting him off so that I can get over him, so that I can let the love I have diminish into a platonic love once again. Because until that happens, I will be unhappy. I will be lonely. I won't let anyone else close to me. This is my last option, because confessing my feelings didn't change anything. And it doesn't look like it ever will.

I'm sorry. I just can't feel like this anymore. I can't have false hope. I want you, but you don't want me. Or you do, but won't let yourself. Or you don't, but... I just don't know. And that is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt in the world, only because I've never let myself feel so much for one person in my life. I let my guard down, and see where it got me. It's going to take a long recovery for me to try again.