don't bother

You all want to know why I've been so unhappy?? First off, let me tell you, I've never, never, EVER been a happy person. I was born a negative, pessimistic, bitter, sad person. And I've been that way ever since. Because nothing great has ever happened to me to snap me out of it, to give me hope, to make me believe that I am supposed to be here or that I'm wanted or that I do any one person a damn bit of good. I exist. That's all. And that's been my whole life. Anyway...

I've been so unhappy these past few months because I fell in love with someone who didn't want anyone to love them. Someone who doesn't, and probably will never (or at least will never admit it) return the sentiment. I have never really loved anyone before, not with this sort of intensity, and it's even very unexplained because it's not like this person was all that nice to me all the time. As a matter of fact, he had a good habit of playing quite the asshole whenever he felt like it, and he made me very sad on many occassions. I suppose that's one way I figured out that I loved him; he made me cry more than anyone else ever has. Yet, I can't help but to want nothing more than to be with him. What the hell is wrong with me?

He has his virtues. That's for sure. And for a while I felt like I had pretty much the only view of them. I could forgive the assholery because he also could be very nice. And also because I tend to let people get away with a lot of shit. And in his case, I was also aware that he had some issues of his own, mainly involving trusting others (which I have as well) and being able to show emotion (ditto). I know he was burned in the past. But he also refused to acknowledge that he is getting older, and that things aren't what they used to be, and he's not the same person, and I'm not connected to those who burned him, and that yes, eventually he'll have to decide between settling for someone/thing, or settling for nothing...But I feel like I tried. And maybe he did too, but it didn't seem like it to me. I can be pretty blind, but once again, I stuck around through lots of bullshit.

But then he blew me off for good. And by blew me off, I mean he completely quit talking to me out of nowhere. And this essentially broke my heart. A few weeks later, when I was trying to get him to at least talk to me (I told him I wanted to fix things), he first said "there's nothing to fix" which was like getting punched because to me there certainly was something to fix... I mean, 8 months of whatever we were doing... regardless of whether or not we were 'together', we were friends for 2 years previous, and if anything I would have thought that that was worth something. And that the 8 months of 'more than friends' would have made it worth at least a little more. Then he says he was hurt because I never told him (in person, in words, because emails and texts and things like that don't count, apparently) how I felt about him. I'm a little put off by this, because yes I realize that that is true, but at the same time the fact that I stuck around that long through being treated like I was completely disposable should have showed something... Plus it's not like he ever completely was clear with me either. He is a master at being horribly vague with everything.

Fast forward a month. I can't take it any longer. I've lost lost of weight, been horribly depressed, etc. So I confront him one night, and confess my feelings in a tearful outburst. I make a fool of myself. I even wrote a letter saying everything I said out loud in the event that I pussed out and couldn't do it. Just so that it would be clear to him. So he would know. He at first tells me I'm wasting my time. I just wanted to know why I wasn't worth a second chance. Then when I drop it all, he says he needs some time to process what I've said.

That was over a month ago. Since then, little has changed, except that we speak on a regular basis and he's for the most part civil to me. But he's never gotten back to me from 'processing' what I told him, and he hasn't acted like he wants anything to change. He did say that right now he just wasn't sure if he was in a place personally to be involved with someone else, but he was also very vague about how things could change in the future. I just needed to know if I was completely written off, so that I could move on if needed. He said he hadn't written me off... but... blah, blah, someday, whatever.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I am still in love with someone who won't let himself love me. I want someone who doesn't want anyone, and never will want anyone. Or at least not me. But he keeps me hoping, which is almost worse. Because it keeps me from getting on with my life and finding someone else I could love. The only thing that would make me happy right now is completely unreachable. Unattainable. Untouchable. I'm not good enough. He said that too... (he said no one will ever be good enough).

The only option I have left to try to get over this is to cut off all extra contact. As much as possible at least. I work with him, so I'd see him there, and around as well. And I love him, so it's not like I'd be cutting him off because I hate him or something, and I would be glad to see him from time to time. But the notes, the texts, that stuff... that will have to stop for a while. It will be so hard for me. I'd be cutting him off so that I can get over him, so that I can let the love I have diminish into a platonic love once again. Because until that happens, I will be unhappy. I will be lonely. I won't let anyone else close to me. This is my last option, because confessing my feelings didn't change anything. And it doesn't look like it ever will.

I'm sorry. I just can't feel like this anymore. I can't have false hope. I want you, but you don't want me. Or you do, but won't let yourself. Or you don't, but... I just don't know. And that is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt in the world, only because I've never let myself feel so much for one person in my life. I let my guard down, and see where it got me. It's going to take a long recovery for me to try again.