He doesn't want her but

she just won't let him go.



I wish I could say it was completely the other way around. Change the she to he and him to her... I suppose that one could be a little bit true, too, but mostly not. Or so it seems to me. I've gotten myself into this.

Ideally, I'd just drop the second half of that phrase (in the mood space if you didn't figure it out) and drop that nasty negative contraction from doesn't. And lose the but. With these sorts of matters, buts are never good. Or best yet, I'd drop that n't and keep the second half of the phrase because that is essentially what every person on earth wants. To be wanted by the person they want; to be loved in return, and they never want to let them go... for me 'tis not to be.  

I tried to hold onto it. Even when it had already recoiled in bitterness and stubborness, moved out of reach. I made a desperate lunge at it, grabbed it again, but just by the edge. I did this by baring my heart, exposing emotions I'd worked so hard to keep under lock and key, confessing that I did in fact want and need someone other than myself, and ultimately looking foolish. I did this even after being told I was wasting my time. But I grabbed that edge- maybe just the corner- of it again afterwards when I was no longer written off.

Almost six weeks ago.

Since then I've just held onto my hopes. I have refused to give up on them. Which is odd for me because I'm usually ready to cut and run at any given moment. But not this time. Because I really wanted it. 
And I still really do. I don't want to give up on it. How I felt then is how I feel now... that hasn't changed at all.

Except now my hopes are fading fast. When your hope for someone/thing starts to diminish, yet your love for that same someone/thing does not... it's just no good. My heart was bruised before, but now it's finally breaking.

Yeah. All those hopes of mine are fading, and with no encouragement to keep holding onto them, well, maybe it's just time to let them go.