Shit, man. Though I have been fairly successful in eliminating the bad habit of drunk-texting (a particular person), I blew that out of the water last night with the equally-bad drunk-handwritten-note. And the stupid part is that it was just supposed to be a "hey, wanted to say Hi" note, but in the hazy and overly emotional state I was in at that point, it of course turned into a messily-scrawled "what the hell is going on with us? please just tell me what you want, etc etc etc" note instead. On the back of a Chili's receipt, I think. God, I am such a retard.
And I really need to lay off the booze, dude. Too much of it lately, and it's starting to make me not only do dumb-ass shit, but make me feel all bloated and fat and heavy. I didn't used to have this problem, and maybe it comes with getting older (similar to how going out requires recovery time later nowadays), but I find that my emotions/thoughts get out-of-check when I drink a lot. Not all the time, but all it takes is someone or something to set it off, get me thinking, and then they just run wild. Last night was fine until an aquaintance I was hanging out with decided to inform me that he's always liked me, and what the hell was I doing with so-and-so because he's such an asshole, blah blah, I can do better than that, and then when I try to justify things (not that I have to, because frankly it's no one else's business) gets all defensive and says they don't even want to hear about that guy, don't even talk about him, etc. (And maybe this got to me more last night because I heard almost the exact same thing from a different aquaintance a week ago...). So then I start thinking and decide that I have shit that admittedly has been on my mind for a few weeks, but that I need to say it NOW but I can't talk in person and no texting and it's important and I need to know blah blah blah.
Next thing you know, I'm leaving a stupid note that I immediately wanted to go back and get the second I walked out of the house but didn't want to go back in. So today I will shut myself in and not answer his phone calls because I'm embarrassed and don't want to have to explain it or even acknowledge it. Which won't help anything at all.
I just want to be normal. And do normal things. And have normal relationships. And think normal thoughts. However it seems I'm doomed to dysfunction and fucking shit up. That's what I was born into, so I know nothing else.
Here comes the rain.
And I really need to lay off the booze, dude. Too much of it lately, and it's starting to make me not only do dumb-ass shit, but make me feel all bloated and fat and heavy. I didn't used to have this problem, and maybe it comes with getting older (similar to how going out requires recovery time later nowadays), but I find that my emotions/thoughts get out-of-check when I drink a lot. Not all the time, but all it takes is someone or something to set it off, get me thinking, and then they just run wild. Last night was fine until an aquaintance I was hanging out with decided to inform me that he's always liked me, and what the hell was I doing with so-and-so because he's such an asshole, blah blah, I can do better than that, and then when I try to justify things (not that I have to, because frankly it's no one else's business) gets all defensive and says they don't even want to hear about that guy, don't even talk about him, etc. (And maybe this got to me more last night because I heard almost the exact same thing from a different aquaintance a week ago...). So then I start thinking and decide that I have shit that admittedly has been on my mind for a few weeks, but that I need to say it NOW but I can't talk in person and no texting and it's important and I need to know blah blah blah.
Next thing you know, I'm leaving a stupid note that I immediately wanted to go back and get the second I walked out of the house but didn't want to go back in. So today I will shut myself in and not answer his phone calls because I'm embarrassed and don't want to have to explain it or even acknowledge it. Which won't help anything at all.
I just want to be normal. And do normal things. And have normal relationships. And think normal thoughts. However it seems I'm doomed to dysfunction and fucking shit up. That's what I was born into, so I know nothing else.
Here comes the rain.
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