The Coast Is Never Clear

A fairly productive week:

-gift certificate used to give me what I needed: another hole in my head.
-caught up with the math crap.
-kicked ass (for me at least) at bowling.
-actually ate real food, not just pretzels and M&M's.
-exchanged some too-big pants.
-studied for, and did well on, a quiz.
-caught up with VET 101 reading.
-rabies vaccine 2 completed.
-purchased most of the supplies I still needed for school. Most... still some more. Always more it seems.
-printed out all BIO 197 notes.
-got my hur did.
-naps. sleep. class. work.
-more.

All at the expense of whatever excuse for a social life I had previously. I don't see anyone, I don't talk to anyone, and I don't even feel like returning the few calls I've gotten. I'm self-exiled. It's not over, even with all that done. Next: 4 days of working early, read, study, test this weekend (online class), test on Tuesday, test on Thursday. And my house has reached such a state of disarray that I can barely stand to be here. It seriously depresses me to look at this place. I'm tempted to take a few days off work to get all my shit in order again, but I can't afford to do that.

I also have other shit weighing on my mind.
It's gone. I felt most of it slip away suddenly a couple weeks ago, but thought maybe it was just a funk. That by just going with the flow, playing along, my heart could be refilled. And then, one small thing; a poorly-timed, offhandedly rude, though fairly innocuous, comment thrown my way. The sort of line/delivery that any other time might have been taken with a grain of salt, and returned with the entire shaker. Only this time, it was the old cliched straw, and my back was broken/heart was drained/patience gone/bubble of hope deflated/whatever conveys this feeling of shutting off the best. I turned and left, and the next morning found I had no desire to try anymore. The care is still there, but the will, resolve, the rest... it's just gone.

This makes me ache, because now I know that I carry information that will bring sadness to the one person I have tried (albeit often unsuccessfully) to make happy. How hypocritical, but there's no other way around it. Either way, this will be the last you hear of it.