you won't read this either. Even though those messages were responses to messages you sent to me, and not me trying to contact you. Either way, you won't respond so I can say what I want. Yes, this is directed at one person, and they know who they are. Everyone else need not respond or comment. But as I've already said, that person won't read this anyway, so it's just me venting.
When you walk up to me at the coffee shop and ask me "What's up?" and I respond with "Nothing" and gesture to the paper in front of me, it's not me trying to be a bitch, but me telling you that I simply have nothing else to say. That is all that is up. Nothing is up, except that. And if you decide to walk away and say, "Well fine then" before I ask you the same question, it's just you being a 14-year-old girl all over again. Because that's how you act sometimes.
So, say I was being a bitch, you still have no right to get pissy at me because I don't want to chat with you or be your buddy right now. NO RIGHT. If my memory serves me correctly, it is you who quit talking to me. That's right. You started ignoring me, acted like I didn't exist, wouldn't respond to texts or messages or calls. And this wasn't the first or even second time. No, try fourth, fifth, maybe even sixth time you got all middle-schooler on me. And after all that, and especially with what happened a few months ago, you expect me to just be all normal and friendly and want to hang out with you again? Right. I'm surprised you have any friends left at all, because if you treat them the way you've treated me then they have some serious problems, or they're desperate for friends. Oh wait, that's right. You don't treat anyone else that badly... they are all under the impression that you are cool and lots of fun and a nice guy all the time.
Yeah, I'm the only one of your 'friends' who you like to ignore/blow-off at random intervals. Or just be a complete asshole to. And for you to talk so much shit about me and try to make this whole situation look like only my fault is even more laughable. I know what you've told others about me in the past, because they tell me. I've avoided talking too much shit about you because I was trying to defend you, but now I'm just not going to say anything.
You try to justify blowing me off AGAIN in that message you sent me on Christmas by saying you needed "a little separation to 'evaluate' us"... whatever. "There is nothing to fix"... those are your words. There was never an 'us' and you made that clear a while ago. Regardless, you started ignoring me again, so I took it to mean that you were done with me. So I made myself attempt to be done with you. If you needed some separation, you should have told me so rather than just disappearing.
"That was not my intention, I just pushed too far". Yup. You kept pushing me away and pushing me away, for months and months, until you finally succeeded in driving me completely from you. Even when I tried desperately to keep you at least near, if not close. You got what you tried for.
Everything I said to you in your driveway was true. And really still is true now. You don't know how easily I would let you back into my life if you really made it clear that you wanted back in. But I am not going to live my life in some suspended state, in limbo, while you dally about trying to figure your shit out. I did everything I could to keep you around, and I'm out of ideas, so it's all up to you now. I'm done with chasing after you. Yes, all I said then is still true, but the statute of limitations for you to act on what I said to you is in effect. I know I told you that you've lost me, but that's not entirely true. There is still time if you are willing to do something about it. Though I'm not holding my breath... I'm here, tell me what you want, tell me what you feel. But either make an actual effort or let it go. Because if not, then I need to let it go. And if you choose to continue fading from my life, don't get mad at me for not being your friend for a while. You've had your chances. You let them go. It was your decision.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
a+b
girl loves boy. boy loves girl in return. sickening happiness ensues. why can't it be this simple?
if only you knew what you wanted. if only i knew what you wanted. if only...
if only you knew what you wanted. if only i knew what you wanted. if only...
art/life
as it appears to apply to many the Athenian mind.
Of this different, reformed and "virtuous" life ("it must, it must be virtuous") he dreamed at every moment. He thirsted for that reformation and renewal. The filthy morass, in which he had sunk of his own free will, was too revolting to him, and, like many men in such cases, he put faith above all in change of place. If only it were not for these people, if only it were not for these circumstances, if only he could get away from this accursed place--he would be altogether different, would begin on a new path. That was what he believed in, and for what he was yearning.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Of this different, reformed and "virtuous" life ("it must, it must be virtuous") he dreamed at every moment. He thirsted for that reformation and renewal. The filthy morass, in which he had sunk of his own free will, was too revolting to him, and, like many men in such cases, he put faith above all in change of place. If only it were not for these people, if only it were not for these circumstances, if only he could get away from this accursed place--he would be altogether different, would begin on a new path. That was what he believed in, and for what he was yearning.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Friday, January 5, 2007
What kind of socks do pirates wear?
ARRRRRRgyle!
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I'm about to write. Hell, as of this second, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I'm going to write. I think I'm just bored. Or something. More randomness from your favorite pessimist.
I have decided, or at least thought, on some things.
Such as making an actual attempt at not closing everyone off. I keep everyone at arm's length, if not even further. It's time to make that stop. There is nothing I should be hiding from people who want to get to know me and are genuinely sincere in their intentions for friendship. I must learn to put a basic trust in the humanity that surrounds me, or I will always be an outsider. I don't know why I assume there is no one interested in me or my life, but even though that is the case, should someone ask there is no good reason to not let them in. So to speak.
I think it's funny how I've come to feel that it is impossible for me to carry on an intelligent, thoughtful, or interesting conversation. Mostly I think it comes from the fact that I've been a lowly waitress for five years, and everyone knows that food-service workers are imbeciles (sarcasm abounds). And Lord (should there be such a thing) knows how many brain cells I have voluntarily destroyed in this time. Ahem... However, in a way, it's true. I have no credibility. I don't follow politics. I don't know about all the current events or world happenings of today. I didn't major in something 'real' in college. I read whatever is at hand. Usually nothing too tedious or mind-blowing because I read for relaxation and don't want to have to use too much energy to comprehend whatever the hell I'm reading. (This is bad. I know. Shut up.) I do crosswords from the AJC, and yeah, sometimes I can't finish them. I'm not ashamed of this. I also don't hold any extreme views on those taboo subjects like religion or abortion or what-have-you. I don't want to argue (debate) these things. I want to listen to music, but not analyze it (had enough of that in college, thanks). I want to read things for the sheer enjoyment. I want to watch movies for the emotion they invoke. To each his own, I say. Whatever floats your boat. Yup. I don't know squat about history or geography or mathematics or even literature anymore. But, if I want to, I can analyze a Beethoven score. Or write counterpoint. Or play Debussy. Or identify the types of serialism used in a Schoenberg piece. Twelve-tone rows, matrices, pitch-class sets. German 6 chords, inversions, basso continuo. Sacred, secular. I Don't Prefer Love Making At Lunch (how I've always remembered the order of the seven modes). Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionist. And even tape splicing, ARP 2500/2600, ProTools. All this, and yet I prefer to just listen to Palestrina and simply bask in its beauty.
I have a plan. It's very, very loose. But a plan nonetheless. After all that crap I learned listed above and then some, I've figured out what I want to do. But more schooling is required, though just two years. After all, it's an associate's degree; not glamourous, not pretentiously 'smart', not high-paying as a career. But it's in the only other field I've ever been interested in besides music (and archaeology. But I gave that up when I learned that Indiana Jones is not a model for the true archaeologist. He's my hero.). And since music took over my life when I was 15, it's just recently come back to me as a possibility. I'm looking into it and doing what I need to do.
Outside of that, I'm also looking for employment that includes some benefits. Seeing a dentist would be really cool. Well, only because I need to go, not because I have some strange dentist fetish or something. Actually, once I can go, I will be terrified. And may need either counseling or lots of valium beforehand. But, I like having teeth. Chewing is amazing.
So, putting this whole 'plan' or braincloud together, the idea is this: Everything in this framework of mine is dependent or connected to another aspect of the plan. It's very much an 'if-then' argument, only more like 'if a-than not b'/'if not a-than b'/'if not a or b-than c or d'/'if not a,b,c,or d- than e'/'if a and b (and c or d)-than f'. "e" is a huge variable. I have no idea what that one is yet. "e" is essentially starting completely over. And "f" is good, but bad, because "f" is "OMG. I got more than one thing I asked for. Now I have to decide between them". And this whole thing also means that there is a 45-85% chance that come July I will be living in a city that starts with 'C'.
I need a haircut. Unless I decide to grow it out. But I think short hair suits me better. And what about color? I like the crayon colors, but they require upkeep. I can do that, but have also considered being normal (funny) and having (gasp) regular colored hair again. What do you think?
Zinfandel is spectacular. So are potato chips. And chocolate.
You know, I think this has gotten very long. I'll give you a reprieve for now. And feel free to point out all of my spelling mistakes and typos. It's late, I'm tired. My editing abilities aren't up to par under such conditions.
Good night. And good luck. And love to you all.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
art reflects life
"Good-bye," he said to the flower.
But she did not answer him.
"Good-bye," he repeated.
The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
"I've been silly," she told him at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
He was surprised there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower told him. "It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy... Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore."
"But the wind..."
"My cold isn't that bad... The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
"But the animals..."
"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're very beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws." And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower....
But she did not answer him.
"Good-bye," he repeated.
The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
"I've been silly," she told him at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
He was surprised there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
"Of course I love you," the flower told him. "It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy... Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore."
"But the wind..."
"My cold isn't that bad... The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
"But the animals..."
"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're very beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws." And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower....
Sunday, December 24, 2006
So this is Christmas
Not a lot to say these days. I spend most of my time at home, so I have no idea what the word is around town. Because of that, all I've got are some random things...
This is the first Christmas I have not been in Cincinnati. And it sucks a lot. It's really gotten me down, even knowing that once I got there the family would all drive me nuts. But I've never missed a Christmas Eve at my grandma's, and I haven't missed a Christmas Day at old friends the Stocks' residence since 1989. It's not like I do (or even have ever done) any of the religious stuff that goes along with Christmas, or even still get any presents, but sitting at the house alone is a bit of a let down. It's just always been a get-together holiday to hang out and drink cocktails/wine and eat food and hear stories about everyone old and new. And since everyone is in Ohio, it's also been to catch up. I do wish I had at least gotten a little tree. I love to turn off all the lights and only have the tree lit up. It's such a warm glow... causes a warm glow inside too.
Tonight I will be going to the top deck of the College Ave parking deck. At midnight. To absorb the quiet and see how pretty Athens can be when it's peaceful. I just hope they haven't decided to lock the stairwell doors. Not sure where I'll end up if I can't get up there, probably just find somewhere else to sit for a bit. Join me if you'd like. All are invited. I was going to go it alone, but then thought it might be nice to get all the other loners still in town together and make our own family gathering. And without my own tree, the twinkling lights on Clayton Street's trees will have to do.
Today I sat outside of the Cobb House on Pope Street and read for a while. Some random neighborhood cat was hanging around, an orange tabby whose tag says his name is 'PJ'. I'm just chilling there outside, reading away and PJ comes right up and curls up in my lap. I really am the crazy cat lady. I can go somewhere else, not at home, or anyone's home, sit outside, and still end up with a cat in my lap. Then on the way home, I had to call in a report to the police because the fire alarm at the Leathers Building on Pulaski was going off, strobe lights and all, but no one was around. And there was no fire. Hopefully everything there was fine.
It appears that the 666 House is no more. As of last weekend, the house is vacant, and now it's all boarded up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to do a whole post sharing some of the more entertaining messages I've gotten from random MySpacers, but I found that I deleted most of them. But I have a few still, that just make me laugh. Mostly because my profile says I'm "Here For: Friends" and also because I just can't imagine sending someone I don't know messages like these...
----u r a doll baby please hit me back up
From 'Joshua', March 18 2005
----hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh
From 'Joshua', Dec 21 2006.
Yes. The SAME Joshua. A year and a half apart. I'm not saying that it's not cool to have people think you're attractive, it's just the delivery is not really my style. And I wonder what he found interesting in my profile other than my photo because by looking at his profile I see we have absolutely nothing in common. Interests are any kind of racing and football. He likes any kind of music except hard rock and classical. For books, it says "I hate reading", and his hero is Dale Earnhardt. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but what would we chat about?
----Hello there. I came across you profile and was very impressed. I would love to chat with you and get to know you better. It is funny cause I am actually in Atl right now for a bodybuilding show this weekend. I was hoping to meet someone that could show us (my friend and I) around. I understand there is alot to do in ATL and I guess we are trying to find out...lol I dont want to make this sound forward or anything but I would really love to give you my cell number and if meetiing new people is something that interests you then please give me a call. I am here until monday morning.. I would love to hear from you.
Eric 703-489-xxxx
www.ericbsimpson.com
From 'Eric' Nov 18 2005
This one's not too bad (at least he uses the word 'you'), but then I thought about it, and first of all I'm not in Atlanta so it hardly applies to me, but also it sounds sort of like he's looking for an escort. I'm not one. Upon looking at his profile (full of photos of him flexing in a speedo) he also does seem to be a nice enough guy and probably harmless. And efficient for providing a cell number. But regardless, what girl would in their right mind go gallavanting around Atlanta with two bodybuilders she doesn't know? That she met on MySpace? Bad Idea Jeans.
----You are gorgeous, wanna hang out at Allgood and do purple shots,sometime?
From 'Shane' Dec 21 2006
Only if they don't contain rufies... This guy is 35. Once again, probably a really nice guy, but once again no common interests at all. Under 'About Me" there is a short video clip of Lil' Jon saying 'hhhh What?'. No books. Likes racing and watching NASCAR and WWE wrestling. One hero is Ronald Reagan and one person he'd like to meet is G.W. Bush. Also, all of his top 16 friends are women.
Those are the best ones I have left. I'm not worried about them reading this and getting offended because only people on my friends list can read my blogs, and they aren't on my list. But if you know them, don't be running off and telling them I shared their messages. I'm sure they are all fine upstanding gentlemen.
That is all for now. And for probably a while, unless something earth-shattering happens. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Cheers.
This is the first Christmas I have not been in Cincinnati. And it sucks a lot. It's really gotten me down, even knowing that once I got there the family would all drive me nuts. But I've never missed a Christmas Eve at my grandma's, and I haven't missed a Christmas Day at old friends the Stocks' residence since 1989. It's not like I do (or even have ever done) any of the religious stuff that goes along with Christmas, or even still get any presents, but sitting at the house alone is a bit of a let down. It's just always been a get-together holiday to hang out and drink cocktails/wine and eat food and hear stories about everyone old and new. And since everyone is in Ohio, it's also been to catch up. I do wish I had at least gotten a little tree. I love to turn off all the lights and only have the tree lit up. It's such a warm glow... causes a warm glow inside too.
Tonight I will be going to the top deck of the College Ave parking deck. At midnight. To absorb the quiet and see how pretty Athens can be when it's peaceful. I just hope they haven't decided to lock the stairwell doors. Not sure where I'll end up if I can't get up there, probably just find somewhere else to sit for a bit. Join me if you'd like. All are invited. I was going to go it alone, but then thought it might be nice to get all the other loners still in town together and make our own family gathering. And without my own tree, the twinkling lights on Clayton Street's trees will have to do.
Today I sat outside of the Cobb House on Pope Street and read for a while. Some random neighborhood cat was hanging around, an orange tabby whose tag says his name is 'PJ'. I'm just chilling there outside, reading away and PJ comes right up and curls up in my lap. I really am the crazy cat lady. I can go somewhere else, not at home, or anyone's home, sit outside, and still end up with a cat in my lap. Then on the way home, I had to call in a report to the police because the fire alarm at the Leathers Building on Pulaski was going off, strobe lights and all, but no one was around. And there was no fire. Hopefully everything there was fine.
It appears that the 666 House is no more. As of last weekend, the house is vacant, and now it's all boarded up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to do a whole post sharing some of the more entertaining messages I've gotten from random MySpacers, but I found that I deleted most of them. But I have a few still, that just make me laugh. Mostly because my profile says I'm "Here For: Friends" and also because I just can't imagine sending someone I don't know messages like these...
----u r a doll baby please hit me back up
From 'Joshua', March 18 2005
----hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh
From 'Joshua', Dec 21 2006.
Yes. The SAME Joshua. A year and a half apart. I'm not saying that it's not cool to have people think you're attractive, it's just the delivery is not really my style. And I wonder what he found interesting in my profile other than my photo because by looking at his profile I see we have absolutely nothing in common. Interests are any kind of racing and football. He likes any kind of music except hard rock and classical. For books, it says "I hate reading", and his hero is Dale Earnhardt. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but what would we chat about?
----Hello there. I came across you profile and was very impressed. I would love to chat with you and get to know you better. It is funny cause I am actually in Atl right now for a bodybuilding show this weekend. I was hoping to meet someone that could show us (my friend and I) around. I understand there is alot to do in ATL and I guess we are trying to find out...lol I dont want to make this sound forward or anything but I would really love to give you my cell number and if meetiing new people is something that interests you then please give me a call. I am here until monday morning.. I would love to hear from you.
Eric 703-489-xxxx
www.ericbsimpson.com
From 'Eric' Nov 18 2005
This one's not too bad (at least he uses the word 'you'), but then I thought about it, and first of all I'm not in Atlanta so it hardly applies to me, but also it sounds sort of like he's looking for an escort. I'm not one. Upon looking at his profile (full of photos of him flexing in a speedo) he also does seem to be a nice enough guy and probably harmless. And efficient for providing a cell number. But regardless, what girl would in their right mind go gallavanting around Atlanta with two bodybuilders she doesn't know? That she met on MySpace? Bad Idea Jeans.
----You are gorgeous, wanna hang out at Allgood and do purple shots,sometime?
From 'Shane' Dec 21 2006
Only if they don't contain rufies... This guy is 35. Once again, probably a really nice guy, but once again no common interests at all. Under 'About Me" there is a short video clip of Lil' Jon saying 'hhhh What?'. No books. Likes racing and watching NASCAR and WWE wrestling. One hero is Ronald Reagan and one person he'd like to meet is G.W. Bush. Also, all of his top 16 friends are women.
Those are the best ones I have left. I'm not worried about them reading this and getting offended because only people on my friends list can read my blogs, and they aren't on my list. But if you know them, don't be running off and telling them I shared their messages. I'm sure they are all fine upstanding gentlemen.
That is all for now. And for probably a while, unless something earth-shattering happens. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Cheers.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Giving Thanks.
Thanksgiving was two days ago. Or three, depending on how you log time. As far as I'm concerned, it's not tomorrow until you've gone to sleep. So since I haven't gone to bed yet from it being Saturday, that means that two days ago was Thursday. Thanksgiving.Two days ago.
I'm left here wondering what in the hell I have to give thanks for.
Yes, I'm aware that things could always be worse. Believe me, I'm a professional pessimist (realist? but with a pessimistic leaning). I know that things can always be worse than they currently are. I could be sitting here with one eye or a leg and a half. Or with a tumor (though I frequently think I may have a brain tumor, or at least an aneurism in the works) or severe schizophrenia. Or with leprosy and a cardboard box to live in. If I'm lucky.
No, I'm that bad off. I have a roof that also comes equipped with heat (for a price) and all of my appendages, save the very tip of my right pinky. I have three cats that at least stick around (I'm sure the food has most to do with it). I have enough of a grip on my mental being that I'm not going to jump off of a bridge or climb the nearest bell tower with a shotgun. I have some family floating around this country. And I have the potential to fix everything else that isn't what it should or could be.
Yet, as the pessimist that I am, I am left here wondering what else I have outside of the basic things that everyone else I know has as well. What I may have that I can truely be thankful for. And I can't find much. I'm not looking for any sort of pity-party, nor am I looking for any advice or anything from this. I'm not looking for attention. If anything, I'm trying to avoid it (one of the only reasons I'm not making this a 'private' blog is because a few people actually bitched at me the last time I did that.. though it does surprise me that people want to read my blatherings. You wanna know the shit in my head? Well, then here). And that is what has made me what I am now. A negative, unhappy person that no one can take for more than a little while. I wear people down. I drain their spirits. And I don't mean to. This is just the way I've been since I can remember existing.
Yeah. Thanksgiving. I'm not really much for holidays, and have never been gung-ho about any of them except for maybe Halloween. Because a holiday that is all about dressing stupid and ending up a with bag of candy, yeah, I'm all about it. I LOVE candy. Give it to me, baby. But the rest of them... meh. Whatever. I'm not religious, so Christmas and Easter are simply symbolic holidays. And I'm not super-patriotic. I like fireworks, but that's mostly because I also have a bit of the pyromaniac streak in me, and settting things on fire is always fun.
Even though I really could give a rat's ass about something like Thanksgiving, there is something to be said about the fact that this holiday centers around being with those you care about most and those who also care about you (and of course stuffing your faces like the gluttonous creatures that human beings are...). You never notice exactly how alone you really are until a day like this. When you spend the day doing nothing, and no one else even notices. No calls from family, 'friends', nothing. Sure, I got an obligatory invitation to go with my mother and her family to visit my grandmother in North Carolina (who it seems also forgot my birthday), but this invitation wasn't made until it was clearly too late for me to get off work to make the trip. This has happened with my mother at least 5 times, and no matter how many times I remind her that yes, my job may not be glamourous but still requires two-weeks notice for time off, she never remembers. She's not stupid. She just doesn't care enough to think about it ahead of time. And this is an ongoing theme in my life.
So here's what's on my mind this Thanksgiving... I have a job that has no respect or loyalty to me, a job that doesn't care about me at all though I've given them 5 years of my life with only the request that I have Tuesday off (which never happens). This was a job I used to love that has sucked the vitality from my soul. Every week when I go in I feel more disposable and unwanted and unneeded.
I have a family that forgets that I am part of them. I see them once a year. And when they do see me they do nothing but criticize me; everything from my hair to my nose ring to my job... they think lowly of me. I also don't know them well anymore, because there's been a great distance between me and the rest of them for years. None of them have attempted to close that canyon. The maternal half of my family has simply moved on. My mother is remarried and has two teenaged sons with my stepfather. They own a house (that I never lived in) and go on vacations (that I'm not a part of). She just has her little family unit now, and it's just unfortunate that I came about before everyone finally got their shit together.
I started this year with four people I was close to. Four people who I allowed into my life for real. Two of them were closer to me than the other two... The only reason two weren't as close as the others was because of situational circumstances- one seems to always be at home with her boyfriend, the other moved from Athens. Of the two that were closest, one was a friend for shorter of an amount of time than the other three, but who really needed a friend at the time I entered her life. I didn't judge her based on the crap people were saying, and soon found it all to be untrue. We had much in common, and she made me feel at ease and gave me someone to talk to about anything. Then she disappeared. The other was a friend for more than a year and a half, who then crossed that line of friendship to become 'more than friends'. At his urging (and against my better judgement) I decided to give that a shot. And it bit me in the ass eight months later when he turned his back on me as well. He failed to inform me that he never wanted anything more than a very casual situation. He was not looking for any sort of relationship or anything that could ever be more than temporary or extremely flexible. So of the four people who meant the most to me in January, by August two of them had broken my heart. And they both had moved on like I never existed. Losing the stronger half of your support center is never good, especially when you've already got self-esteem as flaky as a chunk of mica.
All of these things sullied my year. And shoved me into a deeper depression than I've been in a while. I had my share of hopeless days. But...
So yeah. After thinking on all of this, I just am thankful that I still have at least some sort of drive to keep trying. I'm thankful that I haven't completely given up when it seems that everything else has given up on me. I'm thankful for the knowledge that there really are some decent people out there who do (and will) love me. And all I can do now is work to pull myself up to where I want to be. It can and will happen. I just need a bit of a fresh perspective and a change of pace or scenery. I may also need to cut extraneous communication with a particular person for a while so I can heal and move on (since on that front I've done all I can do, and nothing has changed... time to give up), not forever, just time enough to mend my heart and be able to want nothing more than a friend from them. If anything, this year is nearing it's end, and a fresh start can happen with the new year, if I don't get a jump on it. Things will be good. I will make them that way.
I'm left here wondering what in the hell I have to give thanks for.
Yes, I'm aware that things could always be worse. Believe me, I'm a professional pessimist (realist? but with a pessimistic leaning). I know that things can always be worse than they currently are. I could be sitting here with one eye or a leg and a half. Or with a tumor (though I frequently think I may have a brain tumor, or at least an aneurism in the works) or severe schizophrenia. Or with leprosy and a cardboard box to live in. If I'm lucky.
No, I'm that bad off. I have a roof that also comes equipped with heat (for a price) and all of my appendages, save the very tip of my right pinky. I have three cats that at least stick around (I'm sure the food has most to do with it). I have enough of a grip on my mental being that I'm not going to jump off of a bridge or climb the nearest bell tower with a shotgun. I have some family floating around this country. And I have the potential to fix everything else that isn't what it should or could be.
Yet, as the pessimist that I am, I am left here wondering what else I have outside of the basic things that everyone else I know has as well. What I may have that I can truely be thankful for. And I can't find much. I'm not looking for any sort of pity-party, nor am I looking for any advice or anything from this. I'm not looking for attention. If anything, I'm trying to avoid it (one of the only reasons I'm not making this a 'private' blog is because a few people actually bitched at me the last time I did that.. though it does surprise me that people want to read my blatherings. You wanna know the shit in my head? Well, then here). And that is what has made me what I am now. A negative, unhappy person that no one can take for more than a little while. I wear people down. I drain their spirits. And I don't mean to. This is just the way I've been since I can remember existing.
Yeah. Thanksgiving. I'm not really much for holidays, and have never been gung-ho about any of them except for maybe Halloween. Because a holiday that is all about dressing stupid and ending up a with bag of candy, yeah, I'm all about it. I LOVE candy. Give it to me, baby. But the rest of them... meh. Whatever. I'm not religious, so Christmas and Easter are simply symbolic holidays. And I'm not super-patriotic. I like fireworks, but that's mostly because I also have a bit of the pyromaniac streak in me, and settting things on fire is always fun.
Even though I really could give a rat's ass about something like Thanksgiving, there is something to be said about the fact that this holiday centers around being with those you care about most and those who also care about you (and of course stuffing your faces like the gluttonous creatures that human beings are...). You never notice exactly how alone you really are until a day like this. When you spend the day doing nothing, and no one else even notices. No calls from family, 'friends', nothing. Sure, I got an obligatory invitation to go with my mother and her family to visit my grandmother in North Carolina (who it seems also forgot my birthday), but this invitation wasn't made until it was clearly too late for me to get off work to make the trip. This has happened with my mother at least 5 times, and no matter how many times I remind her that yes, my job may not be glamourous but still requires two-weeks notice for time off, she never remembers. She's not stupid. She just doesn't care enough to think about it ahead of time. And this is an ongoing theme in my life.
So here's what's on my mind this Thanksgiving... I have a job that has no respect or loyalty to me, a job that doesn't care about me at all though I've given them 5 years of my life with only the request that I have Tuesday off (which never happens). This was a job I used to love that has sucked the vitality from my soul. Every week when I go in I feel more disposable and unwanted and unneeded.
I have a family that forgets that I am part of them. I see them once a year. And when they do see me they do nothing but criticize me; everything from my hair to my nose ring to my job... they think lowly of me. I also don't know them well anymore, because there's been a great distance between me and the rest of them for years. None of them have attempted to close that canyon. The maternal half of my family has simply moved on. My mother is remarried and has two teenaged sons with my stepfather. They own a house (that I never lived in) and go on vacations (that I'm not a part of). She just has her little family unit now, and it's just unfortunate that I came about before everyone finally got their shit together.
I started this year with four people I was close to. Four people who I allowed into my life for real. Two of them were closer to me than the other two... The only reason two weren't as close as the others was because of situational circumstances- one seems to always be at home with her boyfriend, the other moved from Athens. Of the two that were closest, one was a friend for shorter of an amount of time than the other three, but who really needed a friend at the time I entered her life. I didn't judge her based on the crap people were saying, and soon found it all to be untrue. We had much in common, and she made me feel at ease and gave me someone to talk to about anything. Then she disappeared. The other was a friend for more than a year and a half, who then crossed that line of friendship to become 'more than friends'. At his urging (and against my better judgement) I decided to give that a shot. And it bit me in the ass eight months later when he turned his back on me as well. He failed to inform me that he never wanted anything more than a very casual situation. He was not looking for any sort of relationship or anything that could ever be more than temporary or extremely flexible. So of the four people who meant the most to me in January, by August two of them had broken my heart. And they both had moved on like I never existed. Losing the stronger half of your support center is never good, especially when you've already got self-esteem as flaky as a chunk of mica.
All of these things sullied my year. And shoved me into a deeper depression than I've been in a while. I had my share of hopeless days. But...
So yeah. After thinking on all of this, I just am thankful that I still have at least some sort of drive to keep trying. I'm thankful that I haven't completely given up when it seems that everything else has given up on me. I'm thankful for the knowledge that there really are some decent people out there who do (and will) love me. And all I can do now is work to pull myself up to where I want to be. It can and will happen. I just need a bit of a fresh perspective and a change of pace or scenery. I may also need to cut extraneous communication with a particular person for a while so I can heal and move on (since on that front I've done all I can do, and nothing has changed... time to give up), not forever, just time enough to mend my heart and be able to want nothing more than a friend from them. If anything, this year is nearing it's end, and a fresh start can happen with the new year, if I don't get a jump on it. Things will be good. I will make them that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
