Reasons Why I'm Better Off Without Him

AKA An Exercise In Talking Myself Out Of Still Loving Him And Into Believing I Can Find Someone Better- in no particular order and not all-inclusive.

1. Very often, he doesn't listen to a word you are saying. He would look like he was listening, but in reality, he was thinking about that article in Harper's, or something he read in some philosophy book, or what he heard Amy Goodman say on Democracy Now! today. He'd even do that annoying thing where he'd say 'yeah' and 'uh huh' like he was listening and responding to you, but then had no idea what you just said.

2. He couldn't remember shit. To this day, he doesn't know my birthday. Even though it is six days before his. He couldn't remember my school or work schedule, anything. This goes along with not listening. Because usually I had just told him 10 minutes previous.

3. He 'bumbles' around. There is no efficiency or dexterity in any action he undertakes. This is hard to explain. But basically, everything he does, he bumbles, fumbles, or muddles through it. It's sort of like perpetual clumsiness.

4. He is HAIRY. Not something he can control, I know. But the number of times I have shaved his back for him... yeah. Not something I minded at all, but not exactly something I'm going to miss either.

5. Two things... The Dick Scar and the ever-present bottle of Lomotil (Diphenoxylate HCl/Atropine sulfate for you pharmageeks). I will not elaborate, but these things give away a mental/emotional fragility. Dealing with everyday stress has the ability to get the better of him. And he would allow things that he had absolutely zero control over (like the appointment of Obama's cabinet and that... those sorts of things) to eat him up with anxiety for days. He doesn't really externalize his anxiety, but he really is one of the most anxious people I've ever met.

6. His affection could be overwhelming. It's nice to have an affectionate partner, but sometimes it would border on needy. Also, in his mind, affection does not include things like cuddling or hugging or just being near each other. His definition of affection is sex. That's it. When he dumped me he said "We're hardly ever affectionate any more" which meant that I didn't fuck him enough recently. Never mind that I've been under a ridiculous amount of stress and basically felt like shit all the time. And he never bothered to communicate to me his own need for more 'affection', so I didn't know it bothered him that much. Somehow that was my fault for not being psychic.

7. He can be a creepster. He admitted to me that once, before we were dating, when he'd come over to my house after the bars closed and we'd watched a movie... I fell asleep during the movie. He said that he'd looked down my shirt while I was asleep. Like, pulled the shirt away and taken a look at my tits. Sorry, but that is just sketchy behavior.

8. He's kind of a pussy. This one has the potential to be long... Sentimental is nice. Needy is not. He can't watch scary movies. He passes out if he sees more than a little blood. He has major anxiety over things that are no big deal. He won't stand up to anyone, and allows just about everyone he knows to use him or take advantage of him. He won't make any major changes or decisions that require effort on his part, even when it's something he wants. He kept saying he wanted to go back to school- hasn't even taken a first step towards that. He pussed out and gave up on love because it wasn't perfect 100% of the time, and couldn't be bothered to actually attempt real communication to tell me that he needed something- it was easier to just run away. He still gets his parents to send him shit when he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself and has a job that lets him be financially comfortable. He is afraid of life, it seems, and prefers to maintain a predictable, mundane existence that doesn't shake anything up.

9. "Kimberly". Yeah. He's got a back-up for when he doesn't have a girlfriend. Now, this isn't really an offense to judge since most girls have at least one toy of their own, but still... His disembodied latex vagina has a name.

10. He wanted me to scratch his back or rub his calloused hands every five minutes, but would bitch and moan when I asked him for a backrub twice a week. He also didn't understand why I did not want to pop his giant back zits for him. Gross.

11. He doesn't like animals. And didn't understand that I do.

12. He's a flake, he has no loyalty, and he doesn't value love at all. He claimed to love me, but thought a little crush was worth throwing it all away permanently (I offered a break so he could figure out what he wanted- not good enough). Then a few days later he claimed (as did she) he had no intentions of trying to date her, though pretty much the only reason he gave me for breaking up with me was that he'd "fallen for her". This was after he slept in the same bed with her, but didn't cheat... He used the excuse of knowing her for a few years... so what? You've know me for a few years. You also pursued me for at least one of those years. Did he love her? No. But it didn't matter. He wanted to try something with her, said he was not going to stop spending time with her regardless of how I felt, he claimed she'd come on to him, and said he would probably cheat on me with her if she did again. Though he said he loved me, and not her. Oddly enough, he also basically called her a slut while saying he hadn't cheated yet... "Everyone else has slept with her, but I haven't." His words... Nice thing to say about someone you've 'fallen for'. Yes, these are the things he actually said to me, I could not make this kind of shit up, nor would I want to because I don't like to hurt people that way. Worthless, flaky human being. Whatever. For all I know, nothing ever happened after this. Or they fell madly in love and are going to have babies together. Either way, his wishy-washy, flaky, love-doesn't-matter-nor-does-the-person-I-say-I-love-and-who-loves-me bullshit can belong to someone else from now on, because I deserve better.

13. He's boring. He didn't get the nickname "Old Man Ross" for no reason. He may as well already be 60 years old.

14. He didn't want me. That is reason enough.