Head like a hole

Today was uneventful... I did some laundry, changed my sheets, and cleaned the cat litter. I also changed out all the songs on my little iPod shuffle thingy. After a few tries... my computer likes to lose drivers for things recently, so the software for the iPod had to be reinstalled.

Oh, I also practiced the trumpet. It's not a good sound, but I know all the fingerings now, and have a basic idea of some of the parts I need to learn. My range is crap. My tone resembles a moose dying, or perhaps in the throes of passion... I have no idea what a moose in the throes of passion sounds like, but that comparison makes me feel much better about myself as an aspiring trumpet player than the dying one.

My mom gave me this decorative ceramic cat for Christmas, and the other night I glanced over at it and realized how fucking creepy its face is. Seriously, look at it:

It's a bit big, I know. I didn't feel like resizing it. But it only emphasizes how damn scary it is. Look at those eyebrows. If cats actually looked like this, there would be no cats in my house. This is coming from someone who is well on the way to Crazy Cat Lady status.

That's about it. I may walk downtown later and drop by LP for a beer, just because I want to get out of the house. Or maybe not. If I can motivate myself to move, sure.

(I want to try and work this out. How can I try if you won't talk to me? Why are you giving up on me?)

Can you hear me now?

My not-piece-of-shit phone has begun to act like one. So if you call me (though no one ever does, but I'm saying this, you know, just in case) I might not be able to hear a damn thing you say. Or if I call you, same thing... guess it's time to renew my contract and get a new phone. Looks like it will be one of them Razr ones (even though I know they are sort of crappy), since T-Mobile won't let me upgrade to the one that's closest to the model I have now. I'm gonna look so damn cool. But I REFUSE to get the pink one.

Invalid subject line...

I am overly-caffienated right now. I had a cacao at ERC, instead of my usual iced-decaf-whatever. I'm not really digging this jittery feeling.

It looks like I was even less important than I thought, as I am not even worth a reply. Let alone an acknowledgment. Or just simple civility. Amazing how people just throw others away. Amazing how they just don't give a damn.

Depression's a bitch. But it's a great weight-loss program.

I have a couple things in the works. One involves the use of a trumpet. And if those don't pan out, I have a couple other things in the back of my mind. One of which would involve the permission of the landlord for me to get me some subleasers. 

There was a fantastically large spider living just off my front porch, but the storms keep knocking his web down. I hope he sticks around... I could use some company. And bug-eating. Too bad he doesn't eat the slugs that get in my house....

Sigh.

Tonight: My friends Bo and Sarah are having their debut performance at Tasty World as Valentine Wolfe. They go on around 10 pm I think, so come support them!

Mama's Trippin'

- Chair I'm sitting in right now.
- Buttons on my computer's mouse.
- Lamp that used to sit on top of my TV stand.
- Left-side door on my closet.
- Floor lamp in my living room.

This is a sampling of things I have that are broken. I am still using all of these, too. I've tried to fix them all, but have failed. Pretty symbolic.

I think I may have figured out a career direction to take that I would find satisfying. It involves more school, but whatever. The new question is in what location this will occur.

In a couple of weeks I will have a new buddy. Because I am a sucker.

I knew it all along.

The blow-offs/silence of the last two days tell me what it is you want. And tell me what I have to do. Because you won't do it yourself. You won't even acknowledge it. Though you want to, and have wanted to, yet have refused to do so for the past couple months (if not even sooner). Because, to use an old cliche again, you want to have your cake and to eat it too.

Also, I learned some things from a very reliable source tonight. Things I sort of already knew, but didn't want to believe. Things that had plenty of hints; the most obvious being the fact that I kept being told that I was "my own person" and could "do what (you) want(ed) to do", among others... I am better than that. You are not, from what I was told. I worry about hurting people. Apparently you do not. You can't have it all forever. Eventually you will have to choose. And the next person won't give you as long as I have. Because they'll be smart enough to get out before it hurts them too much, or they get too involved. Unlike me.

Once again, I've been too nice. I've given too many chances. They're aren't lying when they say the nice guy finishes last.

Emotion vs. Logic- The Fight Of The Century!

I think I know what I need to do. Or rather, I think I know what I should do. Maybe. Or not. Ok, I don't really know. I know what others think I should do, and sometimes I agree with them. Then again, sometimes I don't.  I can't tell what the hell is going on.

I've distanced myself so much over the last month. Mostly on purpose, so that I wouldn't be as easily bothered or upset about things. So that I wouldn't be hurt anymore by stuff that (supposedly) really has nothing to do with me. I was tired of feeling like I was the only one that cared. I was tired of crying and then feeling stupid and hating myself (since I was attempting to pep-talk my brain into thinking that this wasn't worth that amount of emotion) for doing so. Which only would make me cry more, ironically. I was also tired of feeling like everything had gotten off-balance, with all the weight being on my side (just like I said months ago I was worried would happen). I thought that maybe a little break and some distance would help, like a refresher. Or at least get things on an even keel. But with distance, my overall feelings have started to change.

The trust I had built has dwindled severely, and the sense of a common bond that, though stretched a lot never would break, has started to fade. The walls have been reconstructed. Regardless of what has been said over and over, actions still do speak louder than words, and words aren't working anymore. In the past it was fine, because I could feel it. Lately, I don't.

The dilemma is this: what should happen and what is probably for the best is not always what is wanted. This applies here because when I think of the 'should' part, it doesn't line up with my 'want' part. Because thinking of the 'should' part actually makes me sick to my stomach; makes me want to crawl into a hole and either drink or cry, or maybe both. This is also how I know that my distancing technique didn't work. It may have changed my feelings, but it didn't diminish them.

So, yeah, I don't know. All I do know is that things can't stay like this for much longer. Something has to happen. Soon. This purgatory is eating me from the inside out, more than I would like to admit. I know what I would like to happen, but based on previous observation/information it doesn't look like a feasible possibility. It seems that there's a good chance that this is all a lost cause (in the long run anyway). But I still am not sure.

For now I will just keep thinking. Trying to figure it out. And trying to ignore that sick-in-the-gut feeling brought on by conflicting emotions.

I wrote the words and the music wrong

I feel like I weigh a million tons.

No socks + lots of walking + slightly too loose cheap shoes = bad news.

Where's my beer?