I think I know what I need to do. Or rather, I think I know what I should do. Maybe. Or not. Ok, I don't really know. I know what others think I should do, and sometimes I agree with them. Then again, sometimes I don't. I can't tell what the hell is going on.
I've distanced myself so much over the last month. Mostly on purpose, so that I wouldn't be as easily bothered or upset about things. So that I wouldn't be hurt anymore by stuff that (supposedly) really has nothing to do with me. I was tired of feeling like I was the only one that cared. I was tired of crying and then feeling stupid and hating myself (since I was attempting to pep-talk my brain into thinking that this wasn't worth that amount of emotion) for doing so. Which only would make me cry more, ironically. I was also tired of feeling like everything had gotten off-balance, with all the weight being on my side (just like I said months ago I was worried would happen). I thought that maybe a little break and some distance would help, like a refresher. Or at least get things on an even keel. But with distance, my overall feelings have started to change.
The trust I had built has dwindled severely, and the sense of a common bond that, though stretched a lot never would break, has started to fade. The walls have been reconstructed. Regardless of what has been said over and over, actions still do speak louder than words, and words aren't working anymore. In the past it was fine, because I could feel it. Lately, I don't.
The dilemma is this: what should happen and what is probably for the best is not always what is wanted. This applies here because when I think of the 'should' part, it doesn't line up with my 'want' part. Because thinking of the 'should' part actually makes me sick to my stomach; makes me want to crawl into a hole and either drink or cry, or maybe both. This is also how I know that my distancing technique didn't work. It may have changed my feelings, but it didn't diminish them.
So, yeah, I don't know. All I do know is that things can't stay like this for much longer. Something has to happen. Soon. This purgatory is eating me from the inside out, more than I would like to admit. I know what I would like to happen, but based on previous observation/information it doesn't look like a feasible possibility. It seems that there's a good chance that this is all a lost cause (in the long run anyway). But I still am not sure.
For now I will just keep thinking. Trying to figure it out. And trying to ignore that sick-in-the-gut feeling brought on by conflicting emotions.
I've distanced myself so much over the last month. Mostly on purpose, so that I wouldn't be as easily bothered or upset about things. So that I wouldn't be hurt anymore by stuff that (supposedly) really has nothing to do with me. I was tired of feeling like I was the only one that cared. I was tired of crying and then feeling stupid and hating myself (since I was attempting to pep-talk my brain into thinking that this wasn't worth that amount of emotion) for doing so. Which only would make me cry more, ironically. I was also tired of feeling like everything had gotten off-balance, with all the weight being on my side (just like I said months ago I was worried would happen). I thought that maybe a little break and some distance would help, like a refresher. Or at least get things on an even keel. But with distance, my overall feelings have started to change.
The trust I had built has dwindled severely, and the sense of a common bond that, though stretched a lot never would break, has started to fade. The walls have been reconstructed. Regardless of what has been said over and over, actions still do speak louder than words, and words aren't working anymore. In the past it was fine, because I could feel it. Lately, I don't.
The dilemma is this: what should happen and what is probably for the best is not always what is wanted. This applies here because when I think of the 'should' part, it doesn't line up with my 'want' part. Because thinking of the 'should' part actually makes me sick to my stomach; makes me want to crawl into a hole and either drink or cry, or maybe both. This is also how I know that my distancing technique didn't work. It may have changed my feelings, but it didn't diminish them.
So, yeah, I don't know. All I do know is that things can't stay like this for much longer. Something has to happen. Soon. This purgatory is eating me from the inside out, more than I would like to admit. I know what I would like to happen, but based on previous observation/information it doesn't look like a feasible possibility. It seems that there's a good chance that this is all a lost cause (in the long run anyway). But I still am not sure.
For now I will just keep thinking. Trying to figure it out. And trying to ignore that sick-in-the-gut feeling brought on by conflicting emotions.
No comments:
Post a Comment