it didn't matter then. it doesn't matter now. and it won't matter tomorrow. do 'soul mates' exist? it doesn't appear so. and i sort of hope not, because i don't want to think that i'm so limited in long-term possibilities. but than why have i never been able to form such a connection with anyone else? and why has it destroyed me so when it didn't end up the way i hoped it would? i've had friends come and go my whole life. even very close, long-term friends. and it's never affected me like this. why can't i forget it, get it out of my head, move on, give up? i always thought i was stronger than this. i deserve better and i know it. but what i know and what i still want badly are so very different. incongruent. why did i even try? i knew better. i knew nothing would change for the better. but i ignored that. so i took a chance. and now look where i am. fucking pathetic. and i'm not sure i even want to ever try again. is it worth the trouble? the pain?
of course i know a song that sums it up. because i am unoriginal. i can find a(n already written) song for almost any situation. i probably could express myself better in a mix cd than i ever could in person. anyway... here's the song that's in the mix tonight...
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
To have you near was all I wanted, just to have you near.
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving without you there.
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the one who loves you keeps on living without you there.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
-Azure Ray
in other news... the school thing is now a wait-and-see situation. the application's sent, the transcripts submitted, and the SAT taken (and by the way, after chatting with a few of the other people who were there taking the test, i feel ten times better about my intellectual abilities. these were a few of the people i'm in competition with for a spot in the program. no slight against them; they were nice people, but geez...).
now i'm just waiting for an answer. that's all i'm ever waiting for. an answer.
of course i know a song that sums it up. because i am unoriginal. i can find a(n already written) song for almost any situation. i probably could express myself better in a mix cd than i ever could in person. anyway... here's the song that's in the mix tonight...
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
To have you near was all I wanted, just to have you near.
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving without you there.
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the one who loves you keeps on living without you there.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
-Azure Ray
in other news... the school thing is now a wait-and-see situation. the application's sent, the transcripts submitted, and the SAT taken (and by the way, after chatting with a few of the other people who were there taking the test, i feel ten times better about my intellectual abilities. these were a few of the people i'm in competition with for a spot in the program. no slight against them; they were nice people, but geez...).
now i'm just waiting for an answer. that's all i'm ever waiting for. an answer.
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