And then there was one.

All I have tried to do for the past few years is to be a good person. By 'good person' I don't mean the Christian-influenced, super-law-abiding, or ass-kissing type, I just mean an honest, true person who is willing to give everyone a chance. If someone is good to me, I'll be good to them. That sort of thing. But it seems now that this has gotten me in a bind- I've given too many chances, I've simply been too nice. And I have gotten nothing out of it, except heartbreak. I've lost again.


   I have answered my phone to someone needing to talk at 3am when I had to be at work at 8am. I have dropped what I was doing to be with someone who called me to say that they just didn't want to be alone. I have sat and listened to someone go on and on about things they couldn't change and things they shouldn't even want to change, and tried to encourage them the best I can through the situation, without mentioning the things that I could have really used some help with. I have stopped someone from smashing someone else over the head with a pool cue due to drunken emotion/pride/leftover anger that wasn't worth it. I have let people cry on my shoulder and get snot all over me and not said a word about it. I have passed up the opportunity for personal pleasure/possible date in order to make sure an overly intoxicated aquaintence got home safely. I have become close to such an aquaintence when they felt they had no one else to go to. I have let people crash at my house so that they didn't drive home/walk alone drunk. I have sat and listened to people lament about having no one, while in my head deciding whether I should remind them that at that moment I am there with them or thank them for letting me know that to them I am 'no one'. I have declined rides home to walk with others after bar closing hours, or at least arranged to do so (only to be left alone later on when they found another way home). I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused, screamed at for no reason, called horrible undeserved names, deserted, left behind from the crowd, lied to, made fun of, picked on, and exposed (in the case of the few people I've opened up to and shared private things with) and embarrassed in front of my group of 'friends'. And I've always forgiven those people and not thrown it back in their faces and just tried to make sure that they were O.K.
  
So where are all these people now? Gone, of course. Well, most of them are still here. But not really involved with me anymore. They got what they needed from me; a drinking buddy, a sorrows dumpster, a warm body to be around. And then when they got back on their feet, met some new friends, regained their confidence- they kicked me to the curb. I played the part of interim confidant. But I never seem to be good enough to keep around once things are better. Why am I only good enough to pick them up out of the wet gutters, but not to walk with them through the sunny gardens?

   What sucks most about this situation, this whole 'I'm-your-friend-when-I'm-in-need-but-not-after' situation is, who am I supposed to go to when I need a lift? Who is going to be there when I need to call someone at 3am? Or when I need someone to be sure I get home safely? Or when I simply can't stand to be alone anymore and just need someone to be there with me?
  
Once I've gotten done doing my good duty and raising up everyone else, I find that I am standing in the sinkhole alone. And there isn't anyone around to throw me the rope and pull me out.

   I just don't know what to do anymore.

Explosive!

So I'm guessing that with Sadie in her current condition, it would be a bad idea for me to feed her this:

Same old, same old

Six weeks ago, I was seriously ready to just pack up everything and get the hell out of here. Sadly enough, I really can't lie and say that that sentiment has gone away. Because it hasn't. Nothing much has changed, other than the fact that I renewed my lease and therefore am under contract here in Athens until the end of next June. I suppose that should I feel the need to bail I could try to find a subleaser(s), but that is just so unreliable as far as a time frame goes that it doesn't seem worth the trouble.Time frame meaning the time required to quit a job the proper way, and plan getting all my shit from Point A to Point B, including cats, etc. without owning a car and not really knowing how to drive one, and the whole big thing of having a specific Point B to go to. I could have done it six weeks ago, had I had the balls to just do it, but I don't because I really am just a big wuss. Another thing that keeps me here is that though I am a pessimist and always am thinking that this is as good as it can possibly get (and that's never that good, really, in my mind at least, because logically I do know that things could be WAY worse; I'm not completely clueless...), I also have this strange optimist bug in my brain that keeps wanting to believe that next week everything will be awesome. "Yeah, you should get the hell out, just leave. It doesn't matter anyway... but then again, next week may be great. You never know until you get there, wait and see..." So it's like I set myself up for continual disappointment. Which over time just worsens the situation. I stay here because I am too chicken shit to do otherwise. And I stay here because I keep wanting to believe that this town will deliver what I hope it can. And I stay here because I also know that what is getting to me here isn't city-specific... it'll follow me. And so it's me choosing from the lesser of two evils. What is better? Staying here, in a place where I have nothing, a place where everything is temporary and nothing is stable or reliable, a place where it seems I can go nowhere else but down, but at least I am familiar with it?? Or to be somewhere (go somewhere) where I have nothing, no stability or reliability, etc..., but where I also know no one and have no familiarity or 'home base' at all? Is it worth the risk at all, knowing that nothing will really be different other than my actual address? Because it's all the same really... at least here I know which bus to take to get to the grocery store.
 
I wish I had come with an Owners Manual...

  In other news, my landlord rented Ye Olde RotoRooter thing-a-ma-bob and came and snaked out my main drain (har har... doesn't that sound dirty??). So now I can do dishes and take a shower and do a full load of laundry without the water making my toilet bubble and backing up into my bathtub. That was gross... Oh! And I can flush my toilet more than once a day without it backing up into my bathtub. That was grosser. Yay-hoo!
 
Today I took The Bus to Earth Fare for the hell of it. I was off of work and wanted out of the house, and decided to go buy some organic steak. Not that I can really afford organic steak, but a craving set in and that was it... off we go. After buying my junk and leaving the store (equipped with a Flagpole for the bus wait/ride... I attract 'colorful, eccentric' characters; i.e. crazy people who want to chat with me/old men who try to ask me out and give me their numbers and stalk me at work, so I have to be prepared to not make eye contact with anyone just in case) I go and sit at the stop and wait, as I had about 10 minutes to kill. Of course some crazy older lady shows up to wait as well, and she starts waving her UGA ID around and talking to herself (like conversations...) and then singing at the top of her lungs... She started hovering a little too close to me, like she wanted to get my attention to chat, but since she was also singing out loud at the time, I just kept my head buried in the Flagpole. It makes me laugh a little, simply because other than the bums downtown, who don't count since I so often ignore them anymore, I rarely see people like this unless I am either on The Bus or at the DMV (or sometimes WalMart). Though the DMV wins hands down as far as being the Ultimate Human Wasteland and/or the Point of Entry to Society for anyone who is able to be described as "Crawling Out Of The Woodwork". Yes. I am going to Hell.
  
There was something else I was going to write, something that was one of the reasons I wrote anything to begin with, but for now it has escaped me. Probably because I need to just go to sleep. It's late. I'm tired. I wanted to sleep with my windows open, but the 'fresh air' tonight feels more like wet paper towels draped over my face. Refreshing! So I sucked it up and just turned down the A/C to a comfortable temperature. Huh, ok. It's not coming back to me, so I will just give up and end it here. I know, it's sad, whatever will you do??

lazy Sunday.

Really. That's what I've been all day. Though I have actually gotten a few things done, I've done them all in what I wear to sleep. *ahem*   That means no outside for me yet, without risking an indecent exposure citation. This is what you can do without even brushing your hair or teeth, let alone putting on clothes...

-A load of laundry. Just one. My drain can't handle any more, because it's blocked and making my toilet bubble and backing up into my tub and needs to be snaked out. Fun.

-Bills/Rent paid. At least all this bills I have received so far. But currently, I'm settled up. And that's cool. Cause late fees are a bitch.

-Financial finagling. This involved 3 seperate credit cards. Yes, three. But they are not near maxed out or anything like that. I don't have near the amount of debt a lot of other people do, I just used them for some bigger purchases (new bed, new AWESOME mattress, plane tickets) over the past few years, and it's added up. Recently all three have raised my credit limits (not like I will use it), so I decided to transfer a majority of the balance of one card with a high interest rate to another with a significantly smaller interest rate. That means the balance left on the high rate card will be gone in about 3 months, and then I can cancel it. Or finagle The Credit Card Company into the lowering the rate. We'll see. It's nice to know I have that level of credit should there be an emergency. Either way this took lots of visiting of websites. I am also considering transferring my savings from my crappy free savings account with it's crappy .0072nterest rate (or something like that) to something with a better rate. I figured on one calculator that in a one-year CD with a good rate my current balance could make $60 in six months. Better than my current $5 in six months.

-Selling shit on eBay. I love eBay. You can find anything you want there, and a lot of stuff you don't want. And things you didn't know you wanted, but just couldn't resist when you saw it. This is why I now own an unopened Milton-Bradley 100pc. Smurf puzzle. And a pair of brown leather like-new bowling shoes from 1972. But I did just sell a nice dress I bought on clearance from J.Crew's website a few years ago on eBay for $40. That's $20 more than I paid for it. I never wore the dress because it didn't fit me, and I forgot to send it back. And I have more stuff. So I just listed another dress that doesn't fit me. Maybe I'll resell that Smurf puzzle, too.

-I did eat lunch today too. Leftovers. But still food. And lunch is a rarity anymore for me.

I hope to do one more load of laundry, but I have to sit there and monitor the drain so it doesn't flood. I also would like to do dishes, but ditto on the drain situation. Tonight I think will find me at Transmet/Taco Stand for some Family Guy and Fred visiting.

You sank my battleship!

Rain. Overcast. Highly appropriate, for more reasons than one. Though today I am off of work and it would have been nice to be able to go sit in the sun somewhere. I could use some light right now. But instead it looks like a day inside, maybe getting some things done, but probably not. More than likely I'll just watch movies that I've been holding on to for way too long.

I slept for 13 hours last night. Went to sleep at 11pm, didn't get up until a little after noon today. And this was after a 2-hour nap yesterday evening. I was going to go to Transmet last night, have a beer or two, but I just didn't have the mental energy to be social. Sleeping is about all I have energy for right now.

I want to be happy with what I have, but when you're not sure what exactly you've got, it's hard to find somewhere to start. I look around and I don't see much; just a pile of dishes in the sink, a couple of unpaid bills, two cats that hang around because I feed them. There was a bigass bug on the floor this morning, but he's gone now, as I flushed him down the toilet... as I do everything else.

If I don't answer my phone it's not because I don't like you. I'm not giving up entirely, I don't think. It's just that I'm going to stay secluded within these walls (literal and figurative) for a bit and try to figure things out. My first instinct is to turn and run and hide, because I want to protect myself, but I know that this method doesn't ever actually accomplish anything at all. Unfortunately, that's what I always do anyway. I should quit allowing myself to get too close to people who don't want me that close, then I wouldn't be like this, but I never know until it's too late, and by then the damage has been done.

Can I roll the dice again? I'd like a do-over on life. A "Go Back 10 Spaces" card (or in my case 25 years) would be really cool. Why can't the rules of childhood games apply to life as well?

In case you didn't notice...

It was fucking hot as balls outside today. Just sitting and reading made me break a sweat. Absolutely disgusting. But now it appears that it may downpour, and that's grand. Because it doesn't quite feel like being smothered with a wet towel out there yet.

I am tired of people. In general. I think I'm going to quit interacting with them for a while. It seems that lately everone I know is concerned only with themselves and their own feelings. They don't understand that it's the very simple things that really hurt people. I also have been thinking a lot about the many people over the years who were my friends when it was convenient/beneficial for them, but now that they don't need me, they have disappeared. Or fallen into the 'aquaintance' category. There are a lot of them. Of course now I understand that they were never really 'friends' to begin with, considering the ease with which many of them departed my life.

One of my cats does NOT like the litter I am currently using. He has decided that the best place for him to go is in my bathroom. He shits in the tub, and pisses on the floor. It's very irritating, but would be a little less irritating if he would just swap the two and pee in the tub. At least then I wouldn't step in random puddles when I get up to use the bathroom at 4am. I think I would just faint if there was a one-week period where one of my cats didn't poop on the floor...

Ninety dollars at Kroger really doesn't get you very much when you're starting from nothing. My fridge still looks very sad and barren.

My hair is no longer the vibrant magenta-ish hue it was when the picture to the left was taken. In some spots it has faded to a slightly-orangey-sort of-carnation pink-kind of-purple color. Not so cute. But I keep running into people who I guess haven't seen me in over a month because they ask when I had it done... I didn't realize I'd been so M.I.A. I've also had people ask if I've been on vacation. Man, I wish!

I have a new ceiling fan in my bedroom. This one is much nicer than the old one, because this one doesn't shower me with sparks or flaming chunks of wiring when I flip on the wall switch. High class, baby.

I think I should jump ship. Bail out. Then there would be no more pressure. Nothing to worry about. Lonliness is much more tolerable when it doesn't involve others. I also think that what I said I was worried would happen (said some 4 months-or-so ago) has indeed happened. There is an imbalance. Therefore it's bound to topple.

Speaking of imbalances, that reminded me of that time I got thrown from a trampoline because my size just couldn't compete. I was 'double-jumped', I think is the term. I missed a tree trunk by about 6 inches and landed face first in a layer of dirt and pine needles. It was funny because there were only minor injuries. Now I am very distrustful of trampolines with more than one person on them. And see-saws. I had a similar incident with one of those when I was little, too. Damn laws of nature... and mean fat kids.

I got a nice little note from a woman at work today. Along with a pretty generous tip considering she only got two sodas. I love cheesy crap like this, though.... notes, drawings, etc. I take them and pin them up on my wall in the little spot between the front doorjamb and the wall, since it's too narrow to put anything else there. It's just a hodge-podge of that stuff. Haha, typing out that I do this, and reading it back just now, makes me feel like the biggest dork in the world. I'm sure I'm at least in the running for that title, though...

Maybe I will try to 'fix' my computer tonight. It's not broken, but I got a new DVD/CD burner drive since the current one has gone on the fritz. I've never opened a computer up before, so I hope I don't fuck it up. That would suck so much. Wish me luck on this one.

My new addiction- egg creams. A very tasty beverage made from things that don't seem to go together. There isn't egg in there, don't worry. But they do have an assload of sugar in them, so they aren't the healthiest thing in the world. But, of course, when have I ever been known to eat healthy. So, yeah, I say whatever to that. Bring it on.

Egads. This is long. So I will stop. Later, taters.






Later, taters?? Wow. That was lame.

I like pretzels

Yeah, so I'm blogging simply for the sake of blogging. I don't have anything important to say, I'm not possessing some history-altering piece of information, and I honestly don't care if you think I'm full of shit or not. I mean, mostly because I already know that everyone thinks I'm full of shit...


  I'm just bored. I have lots of time to kill this week. I don't work again until Monday, so not only do I have nothing to do, I also have no money, so I can't go do something else since everything costs (at least a little) money. You should entertain me. Or feed me, that'd be cool too.

  Currently I'm drinking a High Life and eating pretzel sticks. I was going to get PBR but Lee's was out of it. OUT OF PBR. Both cans and bottles. What sort of ridiculousness is that?? Though I was only getting PBR because I couldn't afford anything else at the time...

  My mom may come visit again soon, but this time she won't bring that friend of hers. Cool lady, but a bit unrefined for my tastes. Well, I mean more of the 'unrefined, and having to explain her actions to my friends' type of unrefined. Anyway, Mom might come hang out, but only if there isn't a memorial service for the 9-year-old son of a friend of hers. For those of you that watch the news, I'm talking about the little boy who got murdered in his apartment complex on Monday by a stranger. The boy made the mistake of telling a passing car in the parking lot that the car had a wobbly wheel, and someone in the car taught him a lesson by embedding a hatchet in his face. I will never understand the completely fucked up shit that some people do.

  Monday was mostly fun- Trivia was good, then I went and got my ass handed to me in a few games of darts. Then I hung out with Eric, and went to Matt's house to drink more beer and watch 'Futurama'. I say 'mostly fun' because everything was fun until we left Matt's house and I had to ride my bike back into town. That hill sucks. A lot. And I know there is an easier way to get back to my house from there, but Eric wouldn't be swayed from taking that hill. I'll just take the shortcut by myself next time.

  I can't think of anything else to say right now; rather, I can't think of anything that would be suitable to share with the general Internet population, so I'm going to sign off now. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer and the stickiness and sweatiness that goes along with it. I know that I am quite the sweaty girl. Not that you really wanted to know that...

tiny e, Over and Out.