F*ck Capitalization.

it didn't matter then. it doesn't matter now. and it won't matter tomorrow. do 'soul mates' exist? it doesn't appear so. and i sort of hope not, because i don't want to think that i'm so limited in long-term possibilities. but than why have i never been able to form such a connection with anyone else? and why has it destroyed me so when it didn't end up the way i hoped it would? i've had friends come and go my whole life. even very close, long-term friends. and it's never affected me like this. why can't i forget it, get it out of my head, move on, give up? i always thought i was stronger than this. i deserve better and i know it. but what i know and what i still want badly are so very different. incongruent. why did i even try? i knew better. i knew nothing would change for the better. but i ignored that. so i took a chance. and now look where i am. fucking pathetic. and i'm not sure i even want to ever try again. is it worth the trouble? the pain?

of course i know a song that sums it up. because i am unoriginal. i can find a(n already written) song for almost any situation. i probably could express myself better in a mix cd than i ever could in person. anyway... here's the song that's in the mix tonight...

I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
To have you near was all I wanted, just to have you near.
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving without you there.
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the one who loves you keeps on living without you there.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
                                                         -Azure Ray



in other news... the school thing is now a wait-and-see situation. the application's sent, the transcripts submitted, and the SAT taken (and by the way, after chatting with a few of the other people who were there taking the test, i feel ten times better about my intellectual abilities. these were a few of the people i'm in competition with for a spot in the program. no slight against them; they were nice people, but geez...).
now i'm just waiting for an answer. that's all i'm ever waiting for. an answer.

puke/art/life

What a stupid day. As if seeing the source of my pained heart regularly wasn't enough of a reminder, there has to be some bullshit holiday dedicated to something I've never had. I'll be spending this holiday exactly like I've spent the previous bunch of holidays- doing nothing with mydamnself. Luckily on this holiday the city isn't closed down so I can at least go get some coffee.

"Oh, I know, I know that heart, that wild but grateful heart, gentlemen of the jury! It will bow before your mercy; it thirsts for a great and loving deed, it will be won over and mount upwards. There are souls which, in their limitation, blame the whole world. But subdue such a soul with mercy, show it love, and it will cure its past, for there are many good impulses in it. Such a heart will expand and see that God is merciful and that men are good and just."

My Sponsored Links

These are the links listed in the "Sponsored Links" box on my MySpace homepage. Are these supposed to be aimed at specific individuals? Or are they just random? WTF? Because none of them apply to me. Well, ok. I wasn't going to mention the gout, but...

Are You A Slacker Mom?
15 fun questions that will tell you what type of mom you are.
www.AreYouASlackerMom.com

Arts And Crafts For Kid
Get Arts And Crafts For Kid Info from 14 Search Engines in 1.
info.com/ArtsAndCraftsForKid

God Wants You Well
See What God Has Provided For His Children To Overcome Gout
FaithMeds.com

I Was Sick Of My Fat
I Decided To Try A Diet Alternative That's 100%  Proven & Guaranteed
AlternativeDiscoveries.com

The sound a doggie makes

Run! Quickly! Hurry to the store, stock up on bread and milk and water and batteries (and beer), before they run out! No school tomorrow! University closed! Government buildings shut down! FREAK OUT! Because OMG!!!... it's 40 degrees and raining. Dumbasses.

Also:
   hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh  Jan. 12, 2007

Look familiar? (see a previous post) The SAME Joshua that has sent me two very similar messages. This guy just won't quit. He also just can't be bothered with punctuation or capitalization, or hell, complete words. I mean, who has time for that shit?

Also:
   Hot Chicks. With douchebags. A common occurance. 
and
   Updated every Sunday. A favorite of mine.
and
   So very cute. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
and
    Legos are the best!   
and
   It's me. There has to be at least one link devoted to 'em.

Enjoy!


Heat pads and IcyHot: they're not just for old people anymore.

I want my head to stop hurting. Hopefully the new specs will take care of it. If not, off to another doctor I go. I have deep optic nerves. That means nothing.

Every time I form a scab, you rip it off. Stop it. Though I've already been growing tougher, harder-to-damage scar tissue. Which is probably good. I am caring less and less every day.

I must relearn high school math. I have 21 days to do so.

Movie? More internet time-wasting? Finish this freakin' book I've been reading for ages? Or perhaps I should do laundry and dishes and that sort of domestic crap. Eating is something I need to look into as well. Probably just sleep. Been doing a lot of that lately. Ooops. Nope. Phone just rang. I now have plans!! That doesn't happen very often anymore. Off to Tasty World to see a dear old friend I haven't seen in a while!

And how are you?

Just like the messages I've sent you,

you won't read this either. Even though those messages were responses to messages you sent to me, and not me trying to contact you. Either way, you won't respond so I can say what I want. Yes, this is directed at one person, and they know who they are. Everyone else need not respond or comment. But as I've already said, that person won't read this anyway, so it's just me venting.


When you walk up to me at the coffee shop and ask me "What's up?" and I respond with "Nothing" and gesture to the paper in front of me, it's not me trying to be a bitch, but me telling you that I simply have nothing else to say. That is all that is up. Nothing is up, except that. And if you decide to walk away and say, "Well fine then" before I ask you the same question, it's just you being a 14-year-old girl all over again. Because that's how you act sometimes.

So, say I was being a bitch, you still have no right to get pissy at me because I don't want to chat with you or be your buddy right now. NO RIGHT. If my memory serves me correctly, it is you who quit talking to me. That's right. You started ignoring me, acted like I didn't exist, wouldn't respond to texts or messages or calls. And this wasn't the first or even second time. No, try fourth, fifth, maybe even sixth time you got all middle-schooler on me. And after all that, and especially with what happened a few months ago, you expect me to just be all normal and friendly and want to hang out with you again? Right. I'm surprised you have any friends left at all, because if you treat them the way you've treated me then they have some serious problems, or they're desperate for friends. Oh wait, that's right. You don't treat anyone else that badly... they are all under the impression that you are cool and lots of fun and a nice guy all the time.

Yeah, I'm the only one of your 'friends' who you like to ignore/blow-off at random intervals. Or just be a complete asshole to. And for you to talk so much shit about me and try to make this whole situation look like only my fault is even more laughable. I know what you've told others about me in the past, because they tell me. I've avoided talking too much shit about you because I was trying to defend you, but now I'm just not going to say anything.

You try to justify blowing me off AGAIN in that message you sent me on Christmas by saying you needed "a little separation to 'evaluate' us"... whatever. "There is nothing to fix"... those are your words. There was never an 'us' and you made that clear a while ago. Regardless, you started ignoring me again, so I took it to mean that you were done with me. So I made myself attempt to be done with you. If you needed some separation, you should have told me so rather than just disappearing.

"That was not my intention, I just pushed too far". Yup. You kept pushing me away and pushing me away, for months and months, until you finally succeeded in driving me completely from you. Even when I tried desperately to keep you at least near, if not close. You got what you tried for.

Everything I said to you in your driveway was true. And really still is true now. You don't know how easily I would let you back into my life if you really made it clear that you wanted back in. But I am not going to live my life in some suspended state, in limbo, while you dally about trying to figure your shit out. I did everything I could to keep you around, and I'm out of ideas, so it's all up to you now. I'm done with chasing after you. Yes, all I said then is still true, but the statute of limitations for you to act on what I said to you is in effect. I know I told you that you've lost me, but that's not entirely true. There is still time if you are willing to do something about it. Though I'm not holding my breath... I'm here, tell me what you want, tell me what you feel. But either make an actual effort or let it go. Because if not, then I need to let it go. And if you choose to continue fading from my life, don't get mad at me for not being your friend for a while. You've had your chances. You let them go. It was your decision.

a+b

girl loves boy. boy loves girl in return. sickening happiness ensues. why can't it be this simple?

if only you knew what you wanted. if only i knew what you wanted. if only...

art/life

as it appears to apply to many the Athenian mind.

   Of this different, reformed and "virtuous" life ("it must, it must be virtuous") he dreamed at every moment. He thirsted for that reformation and renewal. The filthy morass, in which he had sunk of his own free will, was too revolting to him, and, like many men in such cases, he put faith above all in change of place. If only it were not for these people, if only it were not for these circumstances, if only he could get away from this accursed place--he would be altogether different, would begin on a new path. That was what he believed in, and for what he was yearning.
                        -Fyodor Dostoyevsky