That dandelion may be pretty...

but it's still just a weed.

Today was a day of zero percent productivity. Though it was absolutely beautiful outside and I had things I should have been doing like going to buy cat food, I instead woke up and immediately found myself staring into a deep hole in the ground and then decided I'd rather just sleep all day. So yeah, I got nothing accomplished. That is if you don't count the burning of bridges and destruction of the last remnants of goodwill (if not friendship) between myself and someone I care far too much for. Even though that whole caring sentiment is very one-sided, that is still not the person I want to be. Way to go, me.

For those of you who have my phone number, be advised that I will be cancelling my text messaging capabilities, for a little while at least. Having such a non-commital and non-personal form of communication literally at my fingertips has become a Very Bad Idea. It's getting me into more trouble than it's worth (see above), so away it goes. Also, I have lots and lots of minutes I never use. From now on, if you need to tell me something, call me. If I don't answer, leave a message. Let's take it back to 1999. Shit, maybe I'll just trade in the cellular and get a landline and a pager instead... Thanks, yo.

Back to the deep hole... huh. That's not so PG-sounding. Anyway. After deciding to just sleep all day rather than deal with life, it's dinner time. Hurray for freezing individually-sized packages of chili I made 6 weeks ago! After that, a night out (again) with Martha. I've been going out more often again, and need to stop that. Or at least need to stop drinking so much beer. On more than one occasion recently, beer has taken the place of dinner. But more importantly, I need to stop spending the cash. Also, drinking rarely chases the gloomies away, at least not in the end. But whatever. It's not like I have anything else to do, for lack of wanting to pick any more fights or sever more ties.

How telling that everything in my house, in my existence is individually-portioned. Single-servings. If someone were to come over right now, I couldn't even offer to have a beer with them, because I have only one. I do have a little Kool-aid left, but that's about it. We could share the one bag of potato chips, or split that cookie in half, but in the end it's just not enough to go around.

Making the grade.

1280. Not the greatest but not too shabby either, considering the number of brain cells I've killed off over the past 8 years. I must not have been trying hard enough.

Stuffy. Sneezy. Sleepy. Nope, not dwarves, but how I'm feeling today.
 
Dwarf is one of only three (legitimate) words in the English language that begin with 'DW'. The other two are dwell and dwindle. This obviously doesn't include other forms of these three words, as they are really still the same word. Sorry to say that 'dweeb' also doesn't count because that is considered slang.

St. Johns Wort is making a little difference (to me at least). Enough that I will keep taking it.

The Belle Buster is currently bell-less. Oh where have you gone, lovely trumpet? Did you travel to Mobile with Peelander-Z? Did Guff squirrel you away in their practice space? Or did some fucktard abduct you, only to either brutally assault you or sell you off on the black market? Please come home.

Yay, bike. Not just a porch ornament anymore.

Hey neighbor... you seem like a nice guy. But please don't forget to let your dog in so that he can bark up a storm between the hours of 3am and 4:15am, which is the time I finally managed to get back to sleep. I will say that I was a little concerned and thought about coming over to knock on your door to make sure you weren't dead since you don't usually leave your dog out.

The clarinet will be getting a little more action soon as well. Not only will I continue playing with the good ol' Classic City Band, but I will also begin playing with the Northwinds Symphonic Band in Gainesville. I'm looking forward to playing in a faster-paced ensemble and more challenging repertoire. Now if only the Athens Symphony would realize they need more than two clarinet players. I really miss orchestral playing.
Ugh. Why didn't I go to grad school when I was still good? Oh, yeah. Because the professional music world isn't much different than your standard high school cafeteria. Gossip, back-stabbing, diva mentalities, over-the-top and unnecessary competing for everything... it's all there. Squabbles, cliques, 'the popular kids'. Except that it's all full-grown adults. Yeah, that's a big reason why I gave up on 'legit' music. I decided that wasn't the environment I wanted to be immersed in for the rest of my life.

But I do still really miss it. Three years ago, UC-CCM could've happened. Or UMich. Or Indiana. But not anymore. Not even if I still wanted to.

But if I had gone, where would I be now? Not here, not waiting tables, not so broken, that's for damn sure. Of course, the other side is that now I could be in the military, which is a very common option for fresh-out-of-school kids with music performance degrees. And I doubt I'd be liking that much either.

A couple months ago I filled out an online 'comment card' for Papa John's. I told them they needed a space on their online ordering form where customers could give specific directions to their houses, or even just some landmarks. This is because every time I order pizza it takes them two phone calls from the driver and an hour or more to find my house, which is 5 minutes from the store. I live on a 'closed' street, so it doesn't show up on their maps correctly. All I'd have to be able to tell them would be 'not on your map, 3 blocks down Atlanta Ave on the right' and they should find the place fine. Anyway, today I received a 'please try us again' letter that was actually signed by the district-manager-type and two 'free pizza' coupons. Hell yeah.

Also I found $5 in the pocket of a pair of pants I tried on at Cillie's.

F*ck Capitalization.

it didn't matter then. it doesn't matter now. and it won't matter tomorrow. do 'soul mates' exist? it doesn't appear so. and i sort of hope not, because i don't want to think that i'm so limited in long-term possibilities. but than why have i never been able to form such a connection with anyone else? and why has it destroyed me so when it didn't end up the way i hoped it would? i've had friends come and go my whole life. even very close, long-term friends. and it's never affected me like this. why can't i forget it, get it out of my head, move on, give up? i always thought i was stronger than this. i deserve better and i know it. but what i know and what i still want badly are so very different. incongruent. why did i even try? i knew better. i knew nothing would change for the better. but i ignored that. so i took a chance. and now look where i am. fucking pathetic. and i'm not sure i even want to ever try again. is it worth the trouble? the pain?

of course i know a song that sums it up. because i am unoriginal. i can find a(n already written) song for almost any situation. i probably could express myself better in a mix cd than i ever could in person. anyway... here's the song that's in the mix tonight...

I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
To have you near was all I wanted, just to have you near.
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving without you there.
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the one who loves you keeps on living without you there.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
                                                         -Azure Ray



in other news... the school thing is now a wait-and-see situation. the application's sent, the transcripts submitted, and the SAT taken (and by the way, after chatting with a few of the other people who were there taking the test, i feel ten times better about my intellectual abilities. these were a few of the people i'm in competition with for a spot in the program. no slight against them; they were nice people, but geez...).
now i'm just waiting for an answer. that's all i'm ever waiting for. an answer.

puke/art/life

What a stupid day. As if seeing the source of my pained heart regularly wasn't enough of a reminder, there has to be some bullshit holiday dedicated to something I've never had. I'll be spending this holiday exactly like I've spent the previous bunch of holidays- doing nothing with mydamnself. Luckily on this holiday the city isn't closed down so I can at least go get some coffee.

"Oh, I know, I know that heart, that wild but grateful heart, gentlemen of the jury! It will bow before your mercy; it thirsts for a great and loving deed, it will be won over and mount upwards. There are souls which, in their limitation, blame the whole world. But subdue such a soul with mercy, show it love, and it will cure its past, for there are many good impulses in it. Such a heart will expand and see that God is merciful and that men are good and just."

My Sponsored Links

These are the links listed in the "Sponsored Links" box on my MySpace homepage. Are these supposed to be aimed at specific individuals? Or are they just random? WTF? Because none of them apply to me. Well, ok. I wasn't going to mention the gout, but...

Are You A Slacker Mom?
15 fun questions that will tell you what type of mom you are.
www.AreYouASlackerMom.com

Arts And Crafts For Kid
Get Arts And Crafts For Kid Info from 14 Search Engines in 1.
info.com/ArtsAndCraftsForKid

God Wants You Well
See What God Has Provided For His Children To Overcome Gout
FaithMeds.com

I Was Sick Of My Fat
I Decided To Try A Diet Alternative That's 100%  Proven & Guaranteed
AlternativeDiscoveries.com

The sound a doggie makes

Run! Quickly! Hurry to the store, stock up on bread and milk and water and batteries (and beer), before they run out! No school tomorrow! University closed! Government buildings shut down! FREAK OUT! Because OMG!!!... it's 40 degrees and raining. Dumbasses.

Also:
   hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh  Jan. 12, 2007

Look familiar? (see a previous post) The SAME Joshua that has sent me two very similar messages. This guy just won't quit. He also just can't be bothered with punctuation or capitalization, or hell, complete words. I mean, who has time for that shit?

Also:
   Hot Chicks. With douchebags. A common occurance. 
and
   Updated every Sunday. A favorite of mine.
and
   So very cute. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
and
    Legos are the best!   
and
   It's me. There has to be at least one link devoted to 'em.

Enjoy!


Heat pads and IcyHot: they're not just for old people anymore.

I want my head to stop hurting. Hopefully the new specs will take care of it. If not, off to another doctor I go. I have deep optic nerves. That means nothing.

Every time I form a scab, you rip it off. Stop it. Though I've already been growing tougher, harder-to-damage scar tissue. Which is probably good. I am caring less and less every day.

I must relearn high school math. I have 21 days to do so.

Movie? More internet time-wasting? Finish this freakin' book I've been reading for ages? Or perhaps I should do laundry and dishes and that sort of domestic crap. Eating is something I need to look into as well. Probably just sleep. Been doing a lot of that lately. Ooops. Nope. Phone just rang. I now have plans!! That doesn't happen very often anymore. Off to Tasty World to see a dear old friend I haven't seen in a while!

And how are you?