Sssszzzzz... hott.

So today work sucked. But not for any real reason. Just because it was nice outside and I was stuck there and there was no money to be made... But anyway. Just like the creature of habit I am (or maybe it's just that I'm horribly predictable, or flat-out boring... guess it depends on how you look at it) I left work heading for some coffee/cacao/whatever and either book reading or crossword attempting. I first stopped by Barnett's first to get my traditional Friday scratch-off lottery ticket. Which didn't win me anything, as usual. Oh, wait, I lie. Last week I won a free ticket, traded it in, and lost. But yeah, so on a whim, I also bought a bag of Hot Tamales (yes, bag... they don't come in boxes anymore, apparently. Must be trying to be 'cool', appeal to the younger, more 'hip' consumer. Or something). I love Hot Tamales. If you are ever trying to befriend me, impress me, get me to love you, or whatever it is that people are trying to do when they buy you shit, Hot Tamales are one of the things that will give you bonus points. (Take note...) Anyway, I take them down to ERC with me, drink my drink, and fail miserably at my crossword due to being very distracted by lots of muscular men in very tight clothing. When I have eaten them all, I read the bag and see that there is some contest, the Hot Tamale Hold'Em game, where it's instant and you just look inside the wrapper to see if you've won. So I do, and look!! I got a pair! I won some free Hot Tamales! Sort of makes up for the losing scratch ticket. But the catch is you have to send the wrapper to them with name, address, etc. So who's the dork that's sending that wrapper in for some free cinnamony deliciousness?? ME!! I figure, hey, I've never won one of these little instant games before, and it'll be fun when I forget about it and in six weeks get a present in the mail. So yeah, I guess everyone is a winner at some point. And in two months when I have more Hot Tamales, I might give you one, but only if you're super-nice to me.

So there it is.

People wonder why I don't ever really open up to them? Because when I do, it always ends up being a (figurative) kick in the balls. I've learned this now.

P.S. I love unexpectedly finding things out from other people. Well, more like, I love having my own suspicions of things, then getting confirmation inadvertently from others. That is sarcasm. But at least now I know what direction to take things in.

what for?

Tonight I sat on my porch after grilling some food and watched the lightning. It reminded me of when I was little my dad and I would sit out on our back patio and watch storms at night in the summer. Sometimes he would be listening to a Reds game on the radio. It was always really nice. Unfortunately, this evening I didn't have any company. Sitting out there alone just made me think, and tonight I thought mostly about the idea of progress.

Everything in life has to have a progression; motion of some sort. Many times, outside factors seem to be standing still, but usually there is still something changing- something internal being influenced by what is happening in the external. Things are constantly evolving; ideas, relationships with others, responsibilities, hairstyles, material possessions, everything. People always hope that they are changing for the better, always wish to be moving forward. But what I think is that it's not really the direction of the change that's important, it's that something does, in fact, change. Progress. Moving forward, backward, sideways, anywhere, is far superior to just existing in an idle state. Because, if the elements of life don't ever change, than what's the point? It's just a waste of time. And it's not really living.

Based on this theory, any aspect of my life, any situation I am in, if it's not progressing forward, not seeming like there's any future in it at all, than logically I should in turn cause what would be backwards evolution, and end whatever it is, and then try something else. Because then at least I'm not standing still. But I don't. I stay in a loop. I give people too many chances. I ride it out, and think that maybe next week things will change themselves. I often think this is because I'm lazy, or unmotivated, or just not sure of where I want to be right now. But then I think that maybe it's that I just don't really believe that I have a future, so why even try to get there.

A woman sees her friends
Continuous distraction
She fills up her days while she waits for phone calls
A life in evidence
Is evidently lonely
We all need a tale to tell

Maybe it's time I went where I was wanted.

Voila!

Voila!
Current mood:unmotivated

I got home today and there were my recycling bins, neatly stacked on one another down by the street where I left them yesterday morning. So whoever took them only needed them for a day, I guess. It's still odd though, because I looked around the houses on my street after they disappeared yesterday and didn't see them anywhere. At least now I don't have to beg the city for more bins.

Today a drunk bum in a wheelchair got arrested outside the Grill. I haven't seen him around yet, so I'm thinking he's a new one. I guess he got a little ornery and started spitting at the cops/EMTs (someone had called an ambulance) because they not only handcuffed him but put a mask on him too. You know it's slow at work when this serves as high comedy. Strangely enough, at that same moment, Evil Wheelchair Lady and Guy With No Legs Or Fingers (in the motorized chair) were hanging out right outside too, so it was like a little Wheelchair Bum Brigade. This probably makes me sound like I have no sympathy for those who are less fortunate, but when you work downtown for as long as I have, you realize that many of those bums are just not good people. Like Evil Wheelchair Lady. She sucks.

Yeah, it's Tuesday... I got nothin' else. 

Conspiracy

Someone, somewhere is out to make me lose my mind. Or I've entered some sort of bizarro world where things are straight-up loopy... Case in point, just now, while typing the word 'bizarro' my curser went berserk and took off on a tangent of z's, like this 'bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' but tons more, without me touching the keyboard. And today I thought I'd play the responsible adult and put out my recycling even though the bins weren't full. I was the only person on my street to put them at the end of the drive. I get home, and someone has made off with both my bins. Where am I supposed to keep all my empty beer bottles now?? Then my cat puked on the floor. Can I please get a break? Thanks. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady quite yet. Give me 10 or so years.

Fuck Easter

It seemed like it might be cool, but it really wasn't. Work was so slow it sucked. I didn't make any money, yet wasted 8 hours of my time there. Then I got home and one of my cats had tried to jump on top of my fridge, knocking the freezer door open. So my freezer was just sitting open all day. Not only will that be hell on my power bill, but everything in there thawed out completely. Not just a little thawed, but actually room temperature. So I can't refreeze it. What sucks the most is having to throw away my ice cream. I love ice cream. I went on a cooking rampage so I could salvage what I can. Made chili and taco filling and then burgers for other people and a steak for me. Tomorrow I will cook all the chicken I had frozen. I would grill it, but apparently I left the rack for my grill sitting somewhere in my yard and now I can't find it. I think my landlord threw it away. So now my grill is useless. Then I finally went to chill out next door and drink some beer. Everything was cool until someone came over to my house and left the door open. There went a cat. Had to go find him and then wrangle him back inside. Then someone decided to partake in what was not theirs. A beer was taken from my fridge that did not belong to me. (I have other beer that is mine that is available...) I took it away and explained why they couldn't have it- it wasn't mine to give away, and it wasn't replaceable. But in the 10 minutes I was outside looking for my cat, that same beer disappeared. So now I feel bad about that. I mean, it's just one beer, but I feel bad that someone else's stuff can disappear from my house, and the beer itself is not the point. So I called a friend (I guess... though I don't treat my friends this way) who might have been currently in the company of one of the people who could have taken it, since the dude I wanted to ask doesn't have a phone and I can't call him directly. While explaining why I was calling to this person I was ridiculed, then the phone was passed around the group of people this person was hanging out with in some sort of pseudo meet n' greet or whatever (though half of those people thought I was someone else and called me by the wrong name). And then this person hung up on me. Classy. So now I feel like utter crap. Because in the end, it seems like everything comes back to me; no matter what, it's all my fault, just like I've been hearing since I was 5 years old. So fuck today. And fuck this town sometimes. And fuck people who can't take control of their actions or who can't be responsible for themselves. And fuck people with malicious intentions. And fuck people who somehow get off on hurting other people's feelings. And where the hell is my Easter basket with chocolate bunnies and Peeps* and jelly beans?? Yeah, fuck it.


*even though Peeps are gross, they still belong in the ideal Easter basket.

no words

What a fucking strange night. Not bad, just weird. And nothing in and of itself was odd, but as a whole it got a little unsettling. And it all started with the FedEx guy delivering 40 lbs of cat litter to my house.