superfluous post: quatre

Today has been a drowsy kind of day. Rainy this morning and overcast this afternoon. There has also been some major wind going on... sort of eery. One second the wind is kicking, the next it's deathly still. Good thing it's not really tornado weather- I can't think of anyplace in my house that would be effective as shelter. They tell you to go to the innermost room or hallway, one without windows, and I don't have either of these. The neighbors have a basement so I'd probably just bum their shelter.

Yeah. Today is the kind of day that makes me wish I had cable, even if only for the background noise. I want to veg out on the couch and watch crappy TV and eat crap food, maybe take a nap. Instead I have to pick a movie. I just finished 'watching' SNL: The Best of Will Ferrell. Luckily I can still take a nap.

superfluous post no. drei

Guess what I did today? I drove a car. My car. On a street with (a couple) other cars. I went 60 mph. Winterville is a lovely little town. I drove from Winterville to WalMart. A HIGH FIVE! to Liz for trusting me to not kill her.

I also bought/pumped gasoline for the first time ever. Which makes me reconsider driving. My bike is so much cheaper.

superfluous post no. 2

The first being the last one.

That was NOT a mixolydian scale.

Today's activities: hot tea for breakfast, followed by a lounge session on my couch watching two movies back-to-back while eating cheese and crackers, followed by early evening coffee and chemistry homework, ending the day with a calzone/PBR/laptop goof-off combo at Transmet.

The movies I watched were completely unrelated to each other, and were chosen arbitrarily; Jurassic Park and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

The cheese and crackers were an homage to my late grandfather. He was a chip man (just like my dad), and when I was little I'd sometimes go on his route with him. His routes were shorter and easier than my dad's, which is why I liked to go. Plus we always ate lunch at Skyline Chili in Clifton. When we got home, we'd each have a plate of cheese and crackers and a Coca-Cola, and settle into the recliners in the family room. I always liked that, even though the only channels he watched on TV were the ones with scrolling stock tickers at the bottom.

A full day of TV screen/laptop screen/textbooks makes my eyeballs feel like shriveled grapes within their sockets and makes my brain unable to function on even a semi-intelligent level. Were you to attempt a conversation with any sort of depth with me right now, I'd probably just stare at you and nod. Maybe drool a little too for effect.

On Old Olympus' Towering Top

 A Fine Vocal German Viewed Some Hops.

I feel some unnecessary need to write a blog because it has been almost 10 days. Also, I want to bury the lame-o mope session that made up the last one. However, that will take 5 blogs, and I sure as hell don't have that much shit to say.

Today all of my 'Sponsored Links' are Indiana Jones-related. Two are for Indiana Jones Ringtones, one is from a website called cowboyhatcountry.com that has the "Indiana Jones fedora made famous by the movie!", and the last is from a place selling Indiana Jones Apparel. If I were looking for some new threads a la 1930's college professor/archeologist, I'd know where to go. Though I would need mine in Short Round sizes.

Martha found my camera! The one I lost on New Year's Eve. I was less bummed about losing the camera itself than I was about the fact that I have never lost anything like that, and was annoyed that it had finally happened. No matter my condition, I have always made it home with my wallet/phone/keys/camera/whatever else. It was almost a point of pride. If I didn't have it with me, it was simply in someone's car or house, and not actually lost. And I knew where I'd left it. This time the camera was gone. Except it wasn't. Seems it fell out of my bag and ended up under the bed in the room I slept in. So yay!

School is still going fine. More than halfway through, I've got a steady mid-high A in Vet A&P and I should have either a high B or A in Chemistry. I thought I'd bombed the hell out of my last Chem test, but ended up with an 89. On top of that there will be some extra credit, too.

Just finished scrubbing my bathroom. Not the most fun, but now it looks pretty again. Will probably do a little more cleaning, then head downtown to the coffee shop.

Not a lot else going on. Glad for the pretty day today. Been a good week. Hope it keeps it up.

The VD blues.

Just so you know, by VD I mean 'Valentine's Day", not 'Venereal Disease'. I don't have that kind of VD.

Though I suppose for some, one leads to the other, huh? A venereal disease causes itching and discomfort (on a superficial level). The VD blues (retartedly) causes an ache (not itching) on the deep, internal level. Which causes very superficial signs i.e. leaking a fluid from the lacrimal ducts- to show. Which is stupid and makes me feel like such a girl.

Here I am, at age 27. I think Valentine's Day is a Bullshit Holiday. Something made by the commercial forces in order to influece us into buying cards/candy/gifts for our 'significant others'. No other major holidays fall at this time of year, or with this sort of importance- they gotta stay afloat somehow! And the commercial giants guilt us into buying shit for our 'other halves' this day of the year... otherwise, you'll be in deep doo doo. What a load of garbage!!!

So yes, I recognize it's a load of crap. But... I also haven't had a Valentine since I was in 8th grade (that's Feb. 1995 for those who don't want to do math). And as ridiculous as the whole "holiday" is, I still wish that I were involved in the spectacle just once. I want to be taken out for a nice dinner. I want the person I love to give me some sign that he loves me too. I don't want a whole bunch.... I just want to love someone who loves me back. And this has not worked the way I hoped it would for the past 2 years. I loved someone who didn't love me back. And who (according to him) couldn't love me back as I wished he would. I doomed myself from the start. He was 33 years old, and had no idea what he wanted in life... what am I supposed to do with that when I know at least the basics of what I want in life?? Am I supposed to 'hang out' as a 'platonic' cuddle-buddy until he decides what he wants in life (which may very well not be me), even though I know now, and he has no idea?? That can only go on for so long.

I did cut him off of communication about 3 weeks ago, so I guess anything I say now is a moot point. But I don't think he realizes that I just broke my own heart again by severing all ties. And I don't think I'll ever be in communication with him again so my feelings about the whole thing really don't matter. So what can I do? Nothing, except move on. That's it. I loved him. He wasn't interested in such things. There is nothing else to say about that.

So yeah, Fuck Valentine's Day. It's a commercialized bunch of BS. And it's dumb that such a thing can make me feel bad. Now where's my chocolate?

edited for drunken redundancies and bad grammar... yeah, i was drunk. what else brings forth such a blog??

Pockets full of posies

       I'm a packrat. I have trinkets and papers and whatnot from all sorts of things scattered in drawers and boxes all over my house. I have a box containing drawings, homework, standardized test scores, report cards- hell, you name it- dating back to 1986. (Is it strange that I'm the one that has these things and not my mother? I took them because she was going to throw them all away, and well, see below and you'll see why... A bit metaphorical if you know of our relationship). I have a bag of my most loved childhood stuffed animals (remember Pound Puppies?) and a box of other kid-things... the baseball cards I got from cereal boxes, a few real (as in all metal) Hot Wheels cars, a glow-in-the-dark Rice Crispies Duncan yo-yo and a Duncan Butterfly yo-yo, the Battleship game (manual, non of that electronic shit), Hearthrob boardgame, etc. etc. etc...

       I have a particularly weird thing about photos and letters/cards- I have never been able to throw any of them away, because for some reason I feel as if I'm throwing away a small part of the person the item came from. As if I'd be somehow affecting them in a physical way, like a voodoo doll or something. I just can't do it. This leads me to have school photos of kids I haven't seen since 4th grade. Every birthday and Christmas card ever sent to me. Every postcard, letter- even every note passed to me in middle school. Papers all over the place.

       So now I'm trying to finally get this place cleaned up and organized. I'm trying to pare down, not only because I really just should, but also because there may be some changes in the coming months. So what to do with that I just can't part with? 
     
     It's been two weeks. You were the same (careless douche) you always have been. I got pissed, and sort of fucked up with the way I let you know I was pissed. The straw that broke the camel's back. Moving on.
   - Things not belonging to me returned.
   - All written correspondence sealed up and put away (not discarded- see above).
   - Certain other items also put away.
   - Phone number deleted (more to prevent text-stupidity on my part than anything).
   - The acceptance that that's it. For real this time.
    The severance is almost complete. I just have to wait for the dull ache within to subside. 'Till then...

    Today I found the first four-leaf-clover of the year. Actually it was two; they were right next to each other. I brought them home and they joined the others in good ole' St. Martin's Handbook. The only thing I have ever used this textbook for is pressing four-leaf-clovers. For you who are interested in such things, the small patches of clover along Pulaski St. always have lots of four-leafers. For me, those are one of the few things I don't have to look hard to find.

The End Is Near!

The Coca-Cola vending machines at Athens Tech now accept credit cards.

A sign of the Apocalypse, maybe?

Groundhog Day, pt. II

The other day I got an invitation to join the group "Henry County High Class of '99". Seems a couple of the popular girls have taken on the daunting task of starting to plan the 10-year reunion. And boy-howdy, lucky me was found by one of said popular girls within a day of this group's creation.

Now, I have nothing against high school reunions. And I have nothing against these people. But I don't know them. What the hell are we going to talk about? And moreso, what the hell have I been doing for the past ten years?

In high school, it's a favorite question of the counseling/advising staff to ask. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?".

I really doubt most people answer "At 27? I'll be unemployed and broke, single, living alone, back in school, have a family I don't know, and have a handful of friends of which most are only aquaintences at best, considering the frequency with which I actually speak to them.".

This isn't the answer I gave, either, but it's where I ended up being. Funny how things work out, huh?
So yeah. I pretty much feel like a huge failure. Besides school, which I'm actually doing decently in, I look around and see nothing. I know I've fallen into a depression again, and I keep trying to pull myself out of it. But everytime I try something, everything else falls apart.

On Monday night, I got drunk and upset (as usual) and told Eric to fuck off and not come back. And it seems that this time, he actually did. In reality, this probably should have happened a long time ago. But I'm still not happy with it. Or how I went about it. Granted, he kept saying I was back-and-forth (when he was the one who didn't want a relationship, yet I knew what I wanted), but when it came down to just maintaining a friendship, he was just as bad, if not worse. He'd make tentative plans, then blow me off completely. He'd call to see if I wanted to join him somewhere, then say he wasn't going to be there much longer though. He'd just ignore me for no reason for days on end. This was how it always was. Even before we stopped talking for those 5 months last year, he'd get upset if I didn't call him right back, whine and moan to others that "I don't think she likes me anymore...", and they would even say, "well you treat her like shit, what do you expect?". He'd say he knew, and he was trying to fix that. But nothing ever changed. Next thing you know, I get heartbroken, we stop talking, I lose 10 pounds from depression... then I start getting better, and wanting to move on, etc. But he comes back- blah blah blah, I'm a mess, I want you in my life, more BS. And nothing had changed. So this time, I tend to act like a crazy girl because now I freak out everytime he does something (that I should have seen coming), which makes me look bad, and makes me feel even worse, and it's all because of how insecure I felt with him in the first place. The second chance should have never happened, because I'd be a much better off person now if it hadn't. Either way, he still didn't know what he wanted. So it never mattered anyway. It's best that he be removed from my life. And I know that. But it still kills me inside. I feel like a bad person, and I probably am to an extent. Geez- I can't even express in writing exactly how all this has affected me.

Basically, I'm horribly depressed now. I'm horribly lonely. I have no money, no job, and no one close to me anymore. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't even want to be around people anymore, but I also can't just sit at my house.


Things will change. I know that. But will I already be dead to the world once they do? Will I have given up completely?

Groundhog Day

This morning Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter, if you believe in these sorts of things. The article I read said there were an estimated 15,000 onlookers present for the animal's prediction, and that in the 122 years the event's been happening, he's seen his shadow 97 times. Looks like a conspiracy to me...

No one claimed the pocket-found iPod. It's been 2 weeks, so I can safely assume it's mine now. I still have to get it charged- I don't have the proper USB cable.

I've decided to purge some BS from my life. Meaning getting rid of the things that upset me. In doing so, I might have hurt some feelings but I frankly just don't care anymore. It's time to start over.

Chemistry (aka MATH) can suck a dick. Even though I got a 100 on the first exam. It still can suck it. And A&P, you're making my brain implode a little bit every day. The bones/processes/fossa/foramina aren't too bad, just a shitload of memorization. But the muscles all look the same. Yes, they're easy enough to identify in a book in which they are all nicely colored in with colored pencils. But on a dog/cow/cat/goat cadaver- it all looks like chicken. And damn, there are a lot of them.

You know in the movie, when he's living the same day over and over and over again? Yeah...