The other day I got an invitation to join the group "Henry County High Class of '99". Seems a couple of the popular girls have taken on the daunting task of starting to plan the 10-year reunion. And boy-howdy, lucky me was found by one of said popular girls within a day of this group's creation.
Now, I have nothing against high school reunions. And I have nothing against these people. But I don't know them. What the hell are we going to talk about? And moreso, what the hell have I been doing for the past ten years?
In high school, it's a favorite question of the counseling/advising staff to ask. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?".
I really doubt most people answer "At 27? I'll be unemployed and broke, single, living alone, back in school, have a family I don't know, and have a handful of friends of which most are only aquaintences at best, considering the frequency with which I actually speak to them.".
This isn't the answer I gave, either, but it's where I ended up being. Funny how things work out, huh?
So yeah. I pretty much feel like a huge failure. Besides school, which I'm actually doing decently in, I look around and see nothing. I know I've fallen into a depression again, and I keep trying to pull myself out of it. But everytime I try something, everything else falls apart.
On Monday night, I got drunk and upset (as usual) and told Eric to fuck off and not come back. And it seems that this time, he actually did. In reality, this probably should have happened a long time ago. But I'm still not happy with it. Or how I went about it. Granted, he kept saying I was back-and-forth (when he was the one who didn't want a relationship, yet I knew what I wanted), but when it came down to just maintaining a friendship, he was just as bad, if not worse. He'd make tentative plans, then blow me off completely. He'd call to see if I wanted to join him somewhere, then say he wasn't going to be there much longer though. He'd just ignore me for no reason for days on end. This was how it always was. Even before we stopped talking for those 5 months last year, he'd get upset if I didn't call him right back, whine and moan to others that "I don't think she likes me anymore...", and they would even say, "well you treat her like shit, what do you expect?". He'd say he knew, and he was trying to fix that. But nothing ever changed. Next thing you know, I get heartbroken, we stop talking, I lose 10 pounds from depression... then I start getting better, and wanting to move on, etc. But he comes back- blah blah blah, I'm a mess, I want you in my life, more BS. And nothing had changed. So this time, I tend to act like a crazy girl because now I freak out everytime he does something (that I should have seen coming), which makes me look bad, and makes me feel even worse, and it's all because of how insecure I felt with him in the first place. The second chance should have never happened, because I'd be a much better off person now if it hadn't. Either way, he still didn't know what he wanted. So it never mattered anyway. It's best that he be removed from my life. And I know that. But it still kills me inside. I feel like a bad person, and I probably am to an extent. Geez- I can't even express in writing exactly how all this has affected me.
Basically, I'm horribly depressed now. I'm horribly lonely. I have no money, no job, and no one close to me anymore. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't even want to be around people anymore, but I also can't just sit at my house.
Things will change. I know that. But will I already be dead to the world once they do? Will I have given up completely?
Now, I have nothing against high school reunions. And I have nothing against these people. But I don't know them. What the hell are we going to talk about? And moreso, what the hell have I been doing for the past ten years?
In high school, it's a favorite question of the counseling/advising staff to ask. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?".
I really doubt most people answer "At 27? I'll be unemployed and broke, single, living alone, back in school, have a family I don't know, and have a handful of friends of which most are only aquaintences at best, considering the frequency with which I actually speak to them.".
This isn't the answer I gave, either, but it's where I ended up being. Funny how things work out, huh?
So yeah. I pretty much feel like a huge failure. Besides school, which I'm actually doing decently in, I look around and see nothing. I know I've fallen into a depression again, and I keep trying to pull myself out of it. But everytime I try something, everything else falls apart.
On Monday night, I got drunk and upset (as usual) and told Eric to fuck off and not come back. And it seems that this time, he actually did. In reality, this probably should have happened a long time ago. But I'm still not happy with it. Or how I went about it. Granted, he kept saying I was back-and-forth (when he was the one who didn't want a relationship, yet I knew what I wanted), but when it came down to just maintaining a friendship, he was just as bad, if not worse. He'd make tentative plans, then blow me off completely. He'd call to see if I wanted to join him somewhere, then say he wasn't going to be there much longer though. He'd just ignore me for no reason for days on end. This was how it always was. Even before we stopped talking for those 5 months last year, he'd get upset if I didn't call him right back, whine and moan to others that "I don't think she likes me anymore...", and they would even say, "well you treat her like shit, what do you expect?". He'd say he knew, and he was trying to fix that. But nothing ever changed. Next thing you know, I get heartbroken, we stop talking, I lose 10 pounds from depression... then I start getting better, and wanting to move on, etc. But he comes back- blah blah blah, I'm a mess, I want you in my life, more BS. And nothing had changed. So this time, I tend to act like a crazy girl because now I freak out everytime he does something (that I should have seen coming), which makes me look bad, and makes me feel even worse, and it's all because of how insecure I felt with him in the first place. The second chance should have never happened, because I'd be a much better off person now if it hadn't. Either way, he still didn't know what he wanted. So it never mattered anyway. It's best that he be removed from my life. And I know that. But it still kills me inside. I feel like a bad person, and I probably am to an extent. Geez- I can't even express in writing exactly how all this has affected me.
Basically, I'm horribly depressed now. I'm horribly lonely. I have no money, no job, and no one close to me anymore. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't even want to be around people anymore, but I also can't just sit at my house.
Things will change. I know that. But will I already be dead to the world once they do? Will I have given up completely?
No comments:
Post a Comment