A week that began with more promise than I’ve felt in a while has run out of gas and plummeted back to earth and with it brought the crash of reality.
I misplaced a gas bill, only to find it this morning, along with the notice that I will be disconnected tomorrow. This really isn’t THAT big of a deal since I use gas only for my furnace, but it looks horrible on a credit report and just adds to an already sickening feeling I have regarding my finances. I keep telling myself (and others) that it’s just money and that I’ll be fine; my savings isn’t gone yet. But the reality is that when it is, that’s all I got and then I have no other choice but to leave.
The reunion was short-lived. On Thursday, it’s all hugs and flirting and saying all the shit you used to say and mean (brought on by the drinks you drank all that day, apparently). On Friday, it’s a short hello and saying everything that negates what you had previously said. On Sunday, it was another blow-off. And that was it until about 10 minutes ago, when I missed your call. Called right back, got no answer.
Other, smaller things that just add to the pile. Kindling.
I went to bed last night sitting on the news of Andrea King’s passing. At that point, I had no detail, just the fact that she had died. A life cut short is always tragic and a bit of a shock, and I tend to immediately think ’car accident’ when it happens. I slept fitfully and uncomfortably, toohotoocoldtoohot, and upon waking up this morning, started my day with a gushing nosebleed. The kind you get when you get punched in the face. Finally talked to Martha and found out it wasn’t a car accident. Not that her death would be any less sad had it been through some misfortunate circumstance, but knowing that she felt she had no other escape from her pain adds a different sort of ache to it all.
Andrea. Age 24. I met her through Martha a couple years ago. We weren’t super-close friends, but we were friends. Since I started school again I became scarce around town, only going out for certain pre-ordained events like trivia or shows I didn’t want to miss. I quit calling people to see if they wanted to hang out (partially due to having things to do, but also partially due to the fact that it seems every time I do call people they are busy anyway- most of the people I know have very one-sided availability, and in turn I became the same way, only hanging out when someone called me). So it turned into we only saw each other when we ran into each other downtown. Always with promises on both sides of "Yeah, let’s hang out!" "We’ll get dinner, etc." "Give me a call!/I’ll call you!"... and I kept meaning to. But I didn’t. And now I really wish I had because I’ve lost that chance. I know that those little things do have the ability to either break a person or keep them afloat, and I can’t help but think that by just calling her up once in a while I could have helped to prevent this. I didn’t know she was hurting. And I know everyone always says they didn’t see it coming, but maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t around enough to notice. Which makes me really really sad.
To Andrea: You are such a great lady! I’m going to miss seeing you around town and getting updates on your newest tattoos. I’ll miss drinking beers and talking about hair dye and animals. I’m sorry you weren’t happy, and I hope that you have found peace. You will be missed by many.
I misplaced a gas bill, only to find it this morning, along with the notice that I will be disconnected tomorrow. This really isn’t THAT big of a deal since I use gas only for my furnace, but it looks horrible on a credit report and just adds to an already sickening feeling I have regarding my finances. I keep telling myself (and others) that it’s just money and that I’ll be fine; my savings isn’t gone yet. But the reality is that when it is, that’s all I got and then I have no other choice but to leave.
The reunion was short-lived. On Thursday, it’s all hugs and flirting and saying all the shit you used to say and mean (brought on by the drinks you drank all that day, apparently). On Friday, it’s a short hello and saying everything that negates what you had previously said. On Sunday, it was another blow-off. And that was it until about 10 minutes ago, when I missed your call. Called right back, got no answer.
Other, smaller things that just add to the pile. Kindling.
I went to bed last night sitting on the news of Andrea King’s passing. At that point, I had no detail, just the fact that she had died. A life cut short is always tragic and a bit of a shock, and I tend to immediately think ’car accident’ when it happens. I slept fitfully and uncomfortably, toohotoocoldtoohot, and upon waking up this morning, started my day with a gushing nosebleed. The kind you get when you get punched in the face. Finally talked to Martha and found out it wasn’t a car accident. Not that her death would be any less sad had it been through some misfortunate circumstance, but knowing that she felt she had no other escape from her pain adds a different sort of ache to it all.
Andrea. Age 24. I met her through Martha a couple years ago. We weren’t super-close friends, but we were friends. Since I started school again I became scarce around town, only going out for certain pre-ordained events like trivia or shows I didn’t want to miss. I quit calling people to see if they wanted to hang out (partially due to having things to do, but also partially due to the fact that it seems every time I do call people they are busy anyway- most of the people I know have very one-sided availability, and in turn I became the same way, only hanging out when someone called me). So it turned into we only saw each other when we ran into each other downtown. Always with promises on both sides of "Yeah, let’s hang out!" "We’ll get dinner, etc." "Give me a call!/I’ll call you!"... and I kept meaning to. But I didn’t. And now I really wish I had because I’ve lost that chance. I know that those little things do have the ability to either break a person or keep them afloat, and I can’t help but think that by just calling her up once in a while I could have helped to prevent this. I didn’t know she was hurting. And I know everyone always says they didn’t see it coming, but maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t around enough to notice. Which makes me really really sad.
To Andrea: You are such a great lady! I’m going to miss seeing you around town and getting updates on your newest tattoos. I’ll miss drinking beers and talking about hair dye and animals. I’m sorry you weren’t happy, and I hope that you have found peace. You will be missed by many.
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