My Christmas Wishlist

Here is proof that I am still alive. Though it's not like anyone has really worried about that at all... anyway. For lack of time, patience, and home internet access, here is a list of things I'd like for Christmas, or my birthday, or for whatever. This list is not all-inclusive, it is just the things I'm thinking of at this moment.

STUFF ERIN WANTS

in no particular order

1. A Roomba robotic vacuum thing.

2. Money. Or in place of this:

3. For CitiBank to say, "Dude, hey, you know what? Don't worry about it, really. Nah, brah. We're straight... yeah man. We're even".

4. My steering to quit leaking all over the place.

5. Shelves/a bookcase/storage bins/etc. I need somewhere to put all my school books that are currently stacked on the floor and table. I need somewhere to put all my VHS tapes (shit yeah) and DVDs that are currently stacked in a makeshift 'media shelf' I made with cardboard boxes which are starting to collapse. I need some bins to store my craploads of cat food so I can not leave the bag sitting on the floor. I need something to act as a pantry so I can use the bookshelf I'm currently stacking the non-perishables on.

6. A ride to the airport on Tuesday.

7. Internet access at home.

8. A haircut.

A one-minute blog.

I have no time anymore. So this is a quick one.

Since starting my job(s) two weeks ago, I haven't had a day off yet. My first day off will come on Thursday, after 17 straight days. While these are both part-time jobs, they still eat up my life. And last week they were hardly "part-time" since between the two I worked a total of 59 hours.

I don't mind Dial America all that much, but the shifts can drag and drag there. I love the Humane Society job, even though 80% of the job is cleaning cat cages. It's laid back, and the most people that are ever there at a time is 6. Though I've only worked there for a week, and was told that they wouldn't turn me loose on my own as the only tech for a couple weeks so I could get everything down, I was by myself on Saturday. Most everything went fine, the only scheduled intake for the day didn't show up, and I got everything finished on time.

One thing was that I did have to assist in my first euthanasia, which was a little rough. I'd watched the others do a euthanasia on Friday, but that was a different circumstance- an adult cat with a long-time history of aggression (and one that was showing said aggression at the time) and no chance of it ever being properly socialized. The one I had to assist with was a sweet little 7-week old kitten. He was just too small, and the shelter is just too full. Also, he had come in with severe eye infection and though with the little treatment we can do he had improved tremendously (as in now he could actually open his eyes...) he was most likely fairly blind. He could see, but just how much wasn't really apparent and his eyes were very clouded. I held him the whole time, and had to try really hard to not get teary-eyed. That's one drawback of this job- when that decision is inevitable.

Other than that, things are good. I'm just tired now all the time. And my house is a disaster. I can't wait until Thursday! For now, off to class, then to work.

Men of the Cloth

Who is it that decided exactly what "Fresh Cotton" smells like?

I imagine a group of scientists at the preliminary stages of their research, sitting around a room with a cornucopia of cotton products; specifically with 'fresh' cotton right off the plant. They spend hours upon hours in that room sniffing that cotton, eyes closed, all other senses disengaged, letting that smell be absorbed through every pore into every cell in their bodies.

Then they go into the lab and mix up a bunch of chemicals and sniff that too, until they believe they have it matched. One of them will think they have it, and he'll call over the other guys and have them check it out. Then they'll argue. "No, no, no," one of them will say. "That's not 'Fresh Cotton', that's 'Mountain Breeze'. Not even close."

Soon someone will come up with a scent that's close, but they won't be able to agree on whether they should keep searching. They'll stand around the Erlenmeyer flask, freshly removed from the hotplate (using HotHands or tongs of course- these are professionals and they know that old mantra "Hot glass looks like cool glass" all too well), and debate the qualities of the odor which wafts around them. "I think it's perfect." "I like it, I'd like my clothes to smell like this, but to call it 'Fresh Cotton'... it's too earthy." "I think it's a bit sweet." "Well, personally I think it stinks." "It's just a little too flat, too... oh, I don't know. Too uninteresting, uptight." "Gentlemen, I'm hungry." "Me too." "Shall we take a vote?" "I still think it's perfect."

They will end up compromising on this scent, and agree that it can be released upon society as "Clean Linen". Then they will take an extended lunch break, possibly have a midday cocktail or two, and a few hours later reconvene and continue their quest in capturing that which is so close, yet so far away.

It must be done properly. It must be done thoroughly. It must be done with precise attention to detail. It is, after all, the fabric of our lives.

the philosophy of me.

I flip over the tag to see what my instructions are: "Dry Clean Only" says the manufacturer, with the frank confidence of a much more infinite fabric wisdom than I could possibly know. Holding it in front of me, I take one more look at the dress I just paid six dollars for at the local Goodwill store, shrug, and toss it into the washing machine to join the rest of my lowly Machine Wash/Tumble Dry class of clothing. If this dress had consciousness, it would surely be aghast at such poor upbringing and distasteful behavior and would just not believe she could ever be mistaken for one of those. Then I close the lid and walk away thinking "Well, if it can't survive this little bit of agitation, then I don't want it anyway.".

None in particular.

Yesterday I went to Pier 1 Imports because I had a gift card my grandmother sent me for Christmas. I haven't been in one of those stores since I was little, and when I was little house stuff was BORING. Same with shoe stores. Ha, now I go in and my brain is constantly going "Ooo! Pretty! Shiny!" and then it goes "Oooo... expensive. Don't break that." Anyway, I used the card to get some candles'n'shit. And a wine rack that'll hold 12 bottles. Now I need some wine.

The only place in my house I can get reliable internet is on my couch. Specifically, with the laptop propped on the back of the couch next to the window. (Oh, thanks to whoever is supplying me with the open wireless network... Cheers). While sitting here over the past few days, I've noticed that one type of flower growing directly outside the window has attracted visits from some local hummingbirds. You know what? They're really cute. I want to get a feeder and stick it out there so they come back more often. Today I got a bonus- a 4-inch-long praying mantis is hanging out on the same flower the hummingbird went for.

God, I love Goodwill. People get rid of perfectly good, cute clothes (ones that I'd probably try to sell before just getting rid of) and then I get to go buy them for $5. I need to find out when they put out fresh inventory. Way better than Cillie's downtown (for general stuff anyway- you can get lucky at Cillie's sometimes though).

Yesterday, in honor of Patriot's Day, or whatever the hell holiday was made up to commemmorate 9/11, Matt and I grilled out some t-bones. I wish we'd have thought ahead and gotten some fireworks, if only to see how many overly serious people we could piss off.
(Disclaimer: I am by no means downplaying the significance of the events of 9/11/01. It was a very sad day, and just like most everyone else who watched it unfold on TV- in my classroom no less- I did in fact mourn for those people and the impact such an event would have on their families and this country.
I just think it may be time for the TV specials and 'inside stories' and conspiracy theories and overall governmental hype to fade away. It happened, it sucked, it's part of our history now. And now we have the Patriot Act and Homeland Security and The War On Terror (Tare!) and an FBI terrorist watch list that is projected to have over 1 million names on it as of this past July. Let Freedom Ring.)
Anyway, the steaks were tasty. And my grill is too small for two steaks and also a packet of potatoes.

As mentioned in Mother Jones this month, in August GWB took his 950th day of vacation since being elected in 2000. 950 days. In 8 years. He's only 145 days short of a full 3-years worth of vacation days. The previous record for most vacation days taken was held by Ronald Reagan. Ride 'em, cowboy.

I can see why some women choose to be housewives rather than career seekers. While I'm lacking the requirement to be one, well two requirements really- I'm not a wife, and I don't have a breadwinner allowing me to stay home all day- I really haven't minded hanging around my house doing whatever for the past week. I really wouldn't want to be home taking care of babies and whatnot, but being able to do whatever crosses my fancy whenever it does so is great. I can go get coffee and read a book. I can go ride my bike. I can drive to the grocery store and get some milk. Or I can sit on my ass playing on the internet in pajamas. Whatever. It's awesome.

Am I a zombie? The messiah resurrected? Or just lazy?

Been a while, huh?

While my absence has been mostly due to lack of internet access, there is definitely a separate component in play- I simply lost interest for a while. Not to mention that things are mostly the same day-to-day. There are some new things and whatnot, but this will not be a full update as I just really don't feel like boring all 3 of you who may read this into a permanent comatose state.

I will, however, share with you my main inspiration for writing a new blog. The muse came to me in a series of visions- well, actually in a couple of good old MySpace advertisements on my homepage. Here is the first one:

Um... OK. Wonder what that's about. Doop-de-doop-de-doo fast forward to a few days later. I sign in and see this one:

Dude. Seriously. WTF? I'm no prude, but I do know that they like to try and 'target' their advertisements based on things on your page, and now I'm wondering what in the hell I've got on here that reports me as being some sort of S&M fetishist. I mean, I know that my current profile photo shows me holding a giant horse cock and all, but how in the world does that relate to choking or recovering sex addicts?

So after seeing these two ads in rotation for a week or so, finally this one shows up:

Ahhhh, now I get it. I suppose the first two were in support of the movie advertisement. I guess this is what happens when you don't watch TV or follow movie production/releases. Though I never did click the links on the first two to see what it was all about. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe once again the Mighty MySpace knows more about me than I do...



Here's a brief recap of the past couple months:
- Still unemployed. Need a job. Don't want to look for one. Because I'm lazy.
- School. Yes. Fun. See pics for proof. Starting clinical rotations in a few weeks. Nervous.
- Not working all day on my feet, and not riding my bike to said work everyday has had its effect on me. I've gained about 8 lbs. Bonus: My boobs are bigger. The downside is that so is everything else. Luckily it's not so bad that I need new clothes, I just feel a bit blobby. I am looking at some options that will MAKE me work out... running won't do it because I hate it. I need to take a class or something.
- Speaking of new clothes, I do need some. All my jeans are at least 2 years old if not more, and from riding a bike all the time in the past they have worn out in the crotchal region. I'm setting myself up for embarrassment (or a mighty good time) if I hold out much longer...
- Been spending a whole lot of time with a nice boy. We like a lot of the same things. And he cares about more than his bicycle (though he does like his bicycle, and so do I because it's a nice one and my bike is a little jealous of his). He actually LIKES to hang out with me. He has a college degree. He sometimes buys me dinner and takes me to movies. He will hold my hand in public. He introduced me to his friends and invited me to lunch with his family. He even let me drive his car once. He doesn't belittle me in front of our friends and he doesn't treat me like shit one moment and like gold ten minutes later. He doesn't send mixed signals. He has an idea of what he wants in life. And he's a year younger than me. Definitely an upgrade over my last model.
- Secondary to the introduction of the nice boy was a disappearance of everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, I don't spend ALL of my free time with said boy, and if it seems like it, it's because when I get no response from anyone else, I just end up hanging out with him. I have tried numerous times to spend time with the others in my life since things have for once worked out for me, but anymore I'm surprised when I get a call back, let alone have someone actually answer my call or, god forbid, call me. Even better is when I DO get contacted, but when I respond in the affirmative, I hear nothing back. Like they didn't mean to invite me. I have stopped trying because it's become clear that these people have no interest in me or my company anymore, and well, whatever. Maybe they never really did to begin with unless it was somehow benefiting to them. Who knows? Just shows exactly how fickle people really are, and what their relationships to others are really worth to them.
- It has taken 3 weeks for my left ribs to stop aching all the time after getting squished by a cow. There still is one spot that hurts when pressure is put on it, or when I twist/move too fast, but that is getting better too.

Hmmm.. I think that's about all I can muster right now. I don't doubt that's about all you can take as well.

No one knows me better than MySpace!

How did MySpace know? Of course this is exactly what I've been searching for!

For no self-respecting drunkard like myself would be caught dead without proper sporting attire.

In other news, my grandmother has saved the day and is going to send me a loan so that I don't have to quit school, pack it all up, live in my car, and whore myself out for table scraps. She asked what I needed, and honestly most things can be paid for from my dwindling credit limits, so I told her some help with rent since my landlord doesn't take Discover. I told her though I'm looking for a cheaper place, I am really happy where I am because it's exactly what I need and not a shithole (but I didn't say shithole- it's my Grandma), and she totally understood that and then asked what my rent was. I told her, figuring she'd kick me a few months' worth. This morning I got an email from her telling me what and when she was sending, and about spit coffee all over my monitor. Not only does she want me to stay off the streets, she's making sure I can eat every now and then too. So thanks to her!! I won't be using this loan willy-nilly though, because I do have to eventually pay it back. To my Dad. Because it's coming from part of his inheritance. So thanks to him too, because it's technically his, just not yet.
I also had to promise Grandma that when she's gone, I will take care of my dad since when that happens he'll most likely be homeless because he lives with her (unless the Family gets their way in another plan of theirs involving me, which this loan may have just sort of guaranteed whether I like it or not)- like I would have just dumped him on a cart "Bring Out Yer Dead!" style...
Either way, I now have a little bit less to lose sleep over, and for that I am very grateful.

All these things we'll one day swallow whole

An exhausting past few days. Fun mostly. I will sleep soundly tonight.

This was on the PostSecret blog today.

A part of me immediately wished it was meant for me. The other part knew that was impossible. I'm sure it hit thousands of others the same way; broken hearts aren't really all that scarce. I do hope that whoever this card was written to sees it and is able to find some clue that gives away the identity of the creator. In my head I see people all over the country staring at this card like I did for a minute, searching for the mark that would make it theirs, and feeling the pang of disappointment when that mark can't be found.

All the kings horses and all the kings men...

After writing this, I will most likely spend the rest of the day cleaning my house. It has gotten intolerable in here, and now that I'm not in school I have no excuses to ignore it any longer. So yay, cleaning!

I got home yesterday and found my most favorite childhood relic smashed to pieces on the floor. It was the cookie jar from my dad's house, a ceramic cat with some random tulips on it and two little birds for the handle (sitting on the cat's head). Though I really like this thing, I've never really felt overly attached to my material things. I surprised myself by bursting into tears at the sight of it, and crying bitterly the entire time I was cleaning it up. I did save all the pieces that hadn't been reduced to dust, and once I find some superglue I'm going to attempt to put it back together.

I missed getting an A in one of my classes by 0.3 points. I like to say I don't really care about my grades, and I really wouldn't be bothered by getting a B if I had an 86 or something, but when it's that close... well, that's just annoying. I got A's in my other two classes, but this B ruins my perfect record in my program (I have gotten two other B's so far, but not in program classes- Microbiology and College Algebra). So boo to that.

I'm selling my bass and practice amp. They are listed on Craigslist now. If anyone is interested let me know. I'll also be trying to sell a crappy flute and a decent clarinet. After that I might sell a kidney.

I will NOT adopt another cat; I will NOT adopt another cat...

Regional FirstCare called. It's official that I have me a MRSA infection. I have yet to take any of the hydrocodone they gave me, but the antibiotic is making my belly unhappy. I guess it's better than dying of Staph, though.

Took a craptastic Pharmacology exam today. Doing large animal radiography tomorrow. Then Part 2 of my Surgical Nursing practical exam on Wednesday. As of right now, it's looking like this is as far as I go with this school program, which makes me sad. I'm gonna give a few more places a try for employment, and should have done that this afternoon, but my belly wasn't having the moving around too much.

I received an unexpected email on Friday afternoon. I don't know what to make of it, and I haven't decided what my course of action would be. I was surprised because there had been no contact for almost 2 months by now, and this was after a few desperate attempts at getting through on my part that were flatly ignored in the first of those months. I really just can't figure why he'd resurface now (especially since he must know that my opinion of him is pretty much in the shitter) and what he wanted to accomplish by contacting me. He's gone from Athens, and sounds as if he has no intentions of ever returning, so it's not a reconciliation. The entire thing was fairly vague, and a few things he said pertaining to me and what I wanted were blatantly wrong- it appears he didn't read either of the emails I sent to him, nor remembered half the shit I ever said to him, and he mentions talking to 'mutual friends'- the problem with that statement is that by then, I was barely in contact with any of these friends we used to share (they were mostly Grill people, from whom I'd already been drifting away for some time), so how would they be able to give any sort of insight on what was in my head? Anyway, part of me wants to respond in a civil, friendly fashion and see what happens. Another part wants to respond with only things I had already sent to him that directly contradict his latest email. Another part wants to respond and basically tell him off. More though, I think it would be best to not respond at all. So I don't think I will. I have a feeling he really doesn't want me to anyway, and that even if I did he'd just do what he always did before and not read it. He's the one who pulled the long-term disappearing act (twice now). And this is the second time he's gone a few months and then contacted me. What the hell is it that he wants?

I have run out of dry cat food, and Joe is driving me up a wall with his "I'm hungry!" shenanigans. I'm giving wet food, but I guess they like the dry better. Geez. It's not like he's going to starve to death. It would take him a good couple weeks to burn off that fat store he drags around with him.

It's Not A Too-mah!

A hundred and twenty bucks later, I'm (almost) armpit-growth-free.

It was in fact a very large abscess. VERY large. The nurse asked me how long it had been there, and then asked if I'd been having fevers. I haven't at all, and she was surprised. I guess this means my immune system is strong like bull.

I went to the Doc-In-A-Box out on Highway 29. They numbed the thing up (which incidentally was the most painful part), cut it open, and squeezed out a shitload of goo. Yeah, that's sexy, huh? Luckily the crap didn't have any odor because that would have just been embarrassing. I mean, I was already feeling pretty unglamourous for having to go in with a freakin' growth in my armpit. Unluckily, the nurse said that the majority of the time if the exudate isn't smelly, it ends up being MRSA. They did a culture and will let me know in a few days if they gave me a proper antibiotic. So now I got an open incision with a drain in it in my armpit. Covered with a big ol' bandage. Yummy.

I was told the most painful part would be the injection to numb the area, and that after the pressure was relieved, everything would feel much better. This is true. So I was a little surprised when the discharge tech came in and said, "Here are your discharge instructions. And she wrote you two prescriptions; one is an antibiotic and the other is a pain medication". I figured they probably gave me a prescription-strength ibuprofen/aceteminophen/naproxen sodium. So I'm thinking, "Like hell I'm paying for that- I'll just take extra Aleve if it hurts". Nope. Then I look at the script and they gave me Lortab. WTF? Really? So yay for narcotics. I got it filled, but have yet to take any. Aleve is working just fine.

I'm so glad I'm not a yeast...

Because if I were, this would probably mean I was having babies. 

Sooo... I'm sure this falls into the "you didn't need to know that" or "TMI" category, but I've had this, well, thing in my right armpit for a little over a month now. It's a cyst-like growth that started out as a little bump. It got a little irritated for a bit from getting chafed by my shirt sleeves, but didn't really ever do much else. I figured it was some sort of hair follicle irritation/zit-like whatever that would run its course and go away. But it didn't.

It's not in the very depth of my pit or anything. It's actually just under the arm, before you even get to the armpit hair, in the little crease at the edge of the superficial pectoral muscle. Right where there are a bunch of lymph nodes.

Either way, whatever it is finally gained conscious thought or something and started growing. Just a little, for a while (which is why I figured it would do its thing and then pop like a zit). However, by this past Monday it had gotten to about the size of a nickel. Still not huge, but it now had a seperate red bump on top of it (from shirt irritation, I'm still guessing). It was painful if poked. I started thinking I needed to get it looked at.
As of this writing, this shit is nearing half-dollar size, and it's showing no signs of slowing down. The red 'hat' is now an angry, angry red and is an inch long, 1/2 inch tall oval. The whole area has a constant throbbing ache, and in a 5 inch radius all around the lump even the skin is super sensitive to a slight touch. If I do push on the lump, it doesn't give like it's filled with liquid. The entire thing moves. My clavicle feels like it's getting pushed up, and it hurts to move my arm. It's like there's a small animal burrowed into my axillary region. Yeah. It just fucking hurts. I actually had trouble sleeping last night because of it.

So in the spirit of enjoying the company of my right arm while simultaneously turning my back on major systemic infection, I will be going to show it to someone other than a classmate tomorrow (even though I have a classmate who offered to aspirate it for me...). And, I will show this growth in a mature adult 'please give me your professional advice on the best course of action to alleviate this' way, and not in the immature goofball  'holy shit look at this, what the fuck is it? check out what happens when I poke it, I should let it grow and join a freak show' way.


And if you're lucky, maybe I'll post some pictures. People love looking at crap like this...

Na, wie geht's?

Today when I signed on, all of the advertisements on my homepage were in German.

No news. School is winding down. Had my last practical exam for one class today. Yay for urinalysis and fecal exams! Just in case you were wondering, Joe is internal parasite-free. What's left is two exams, an assignment, and two finals in Pharmacology, two finals and a two-part practical in Nursing, and a final in Diagnostics.

There is not one source out there for me to aquire a loan with which to continue my schooling. A personal loan from my bank isn't an option what with the unemployment (and even if I still worked at the restaurant, my documented income would be too low), and I have found no student loans available for use at Athens Tech. Not that this matters really, as I also will probably be homeless soon.

In a moment of boredom and curiosity, I looked at a particular someone's MySpace page (I am not a 'friend' of this person, but the page isn't private... yeah I know. I don't stalk people ALL the time). What I saw was an ammendment to this person's contact info; "[NOT] athens, ga". Finally what I was asking and getting no answer to months ago has been answered. Looks like it was his plan all along, so it's good that my 'give a shit' factor for this person has diminished to near nothing. Not quite nothing, but out of sight, out of mind. So soon enough. Though I do wonder how it would have gone down had our relationship not imploded completely. I have a feeling I would have woken up one morning three weeks ago, and found him gone with hardly a trace. Either way, I'm know I'm better off and I'm finally feeling that way about it all. Which is good. It's not my fault he sucks at life, and it wasn't my job to get him to grow up. Ha- it sort of makes me laugh now that I think about it from the outside: the vision of a balding (skulleted) man in his mid-30's with a severe inferiority complex, an inability to connect to or care for anyone who is over the age of 24 and located in the same state, who quits/disconnects from everything/everyone every few years for fear of any sort of permanance, and who loves only his bicycle. (yeah- I wonder what I ever saw in him...) Perhaps that makes him happy now, but I know if that were me I'd be horribly lonely and the happiness of that "freedom" would fade fast after a while. I think eventually this is what will happen with him. But again, it's no longer my problem and no longer my concern. And I am glad. Even more so now that I know I won't be seeing him around town anymore.

Congratulations go out to Martha for the addition of her new baby boy, Otis. In what seems to be divine timing, a cutie-pie of a puppy turned up stray in her neighborhood letting her trade one dog for another (har har). Makes me want a dog, but then my cats would never come out from under the bed again. Well, they'd probably come out to pee on all my stuff out of spite, but there would be no more kitty cuddles for me. Someday I will have my full menagerie.

Ummmm... yeah I think that's it. Sorry to those of you who have called and left me messages over the past month or so that I have not answered or called back in a timely fashion (Heny, Ansley, Lindsey... probably more... I suck). I'll call at some point, I promise. I just can't say when.

over this, it, here, and you.

I am 98% sure of where I'll be in 6-8 weeks. Well, 98% sure of where I won't be. There are 7 more days left for that 2% chance of things changing, but 2% isn't much. Planning will commence shortly.


And you can stay where you are, which is out of my life, forever for all I care. I hope you enjoy the lonely life you've continually set yourself up for.

The countdown continues...

I have a test every day this week. Hurray!

Still waiting to see what my final decision will be. My time limit isn't up yet.

My attempts to get through have failed. Rather, they are being ignored. I've been erased from existance in another world and am now worth nothing there. Probably less than nothing. This is devastating to me, but I have no choice but to give up. I will not try to call again. How a person can toss someone they claim to care about aside like that is beyond me, but I guess it's much easier when you keep everyone so far away that you don't truly care for anyone.


Sadly, the way things have ended up have also made me not want to be here anymore. I no longer like Athens, and don't feel that I have anything lasting for me here. From now on everything will bring back memories I'd rather not have. Nothing here is untouched, because everything here is so intertwined. For me Athens has been nothing but a series of endings. Not good ones either. There are only a few constants, and even they are unpredictable at best. Flaky, selfish, and/or nowhere to be found at worst. Frankly, I'm sick of it.

Today begins the Great House Clean-Out of 2008. I'm hoping to get rid of lots of stuff. I want the eBay gods to smile on me.

I filed my state tax return last Saturday. I got my refund on Thursday. That's one hell of a turnaround. Next up is my stimulus check. Hey, I'll take another $300 no problem.

The Georgia Aquarium was pretty neat, but it was all things I've seen before. The best part was at the sea lion enclosure, when the trainers came out. Those sea lions are trained better than most people's dogs. Six Flags was a bit of a disappointment. I don't go all that often, but when I do I always feel like I'm not getting something. The coasters are fun, but never seem as thrilling as the coasters I've ridden in Ohio. First off, we didn't get there until 8pm because traffic in Athens and then Conyers was retarded. Then we couldn't meet up with a friend who was supposed to be with us because they got there 2 hours before us, but then failed to bring a cellphone into the park with them. Then we waited in line for 2 hours to ride Goliath, which isn't really all that big. It kept having problems, so by the time we got on they were running only one car. The first drop is fun, but after that it's smooth sailing. Nothing spectacular. They claim that it's 3.5 minutes long, but it only runs about 2.5 minutes. We asked an employee about that, and we found out that all the rides at Six Flags Over Georgia are scaled-down from their original counterparts due to the park's proximity to the airport. Nothing can be over 200 ft tall, so the rides are just smaller overall. Boo.

The ticking clock is all that's left.

Not much to say anymore. I've made a decision, which I will not disclose as of yet, which will possibly change everything. Or nothing at all.

Friday will be a busy day. School trip to the aquarium in the morning/early afternoon. We not only got a very discounted rate, but we get to go 'behind-the-scenes'. And our 'behind-the-scenes' is going to be much more in depth than the one that is offered to the public, as in we get to go into Necropsy (if there's something going on there) and other off-limits areas. After riding in the van back to Athens, a group of us are hopping in cars and driving BACK to Atlanta. We're going to Six Flags. I haven't been in years, so I'm all over it.

I have been receiving these mailings from Paul C. Broun, M.D., the member of congress representing the 10th District. I get about 3 a week, and I really want them to stop. I didn't vote for the guy, and he's obviously a raging Republican. Here are some quotes from the letter I got today:
-"Our nation's enemies hate us, our freedom, our values, our religious heritage, and our very existence."
-"God forbid, but if a suitcase nuclear bomb were detonated in a major American city, what difference would an array of government social programs make?"
-On whether or not we should be in Iraq: "Frankly, the best exit strategy is  victory. The arm-chair quarterbacks should stop blaming America first and start putting America first!"
-" "Illegal immigration" poses a serious threat to national security."
The one I got yesterday was even funnier. It's about tax reform.
-The first sentence: "The IRS is akin to a shark tearing large chunks out of our wallets, and I am a committed shark hunter."
-"The present system punishes success."
-"It is very important to restore the idea that ours is a society that rewards personal initiative, hard work, and success."
-"At minimum, we must: Lower tax rates. Make the tax cuts enacted under the leadership of President Bush permanent. End the death tax. Lower capital gains taxes."

This guy's for the Fair Tax. I'm not a fan of taxes either, but every letter I get from Paul C. Broun, M.D. talks about what a waste all social programs are. Here's the end of the letter:
-"I am a fierce advocate in Washington for cutting taxes and for cutting federal spending. Tax and spend public policy is poor public policy. Spend, spend, spend- as Congress has been doing for decades is disastrous public policy. Every year for decades Congress has been on a spending spree! And it has to stop. One of the worst examples of the government wasting your money is pork-barrel earmarked spending that faces no objective scrutiny and no competition. Billions of dollars are literally thrown away on stupid projects like the "bridge to nowhere," tea cup museums, studying the growth of grape vines, etc. The plunder of the treasury is facilitated with "earmarks" or "pork-barrel spending". I have not engaged in this pork-barrel spending. I want to get rid of this wasteful nonsense in Congress."

The best part? In small print at the bottom of each letter is this phrase: "This mailing was prepared, published and mailed at taxpayer expense."

Some silver harmony that makes its way back now...

A week that began with more promise than I’ve felt in a while has run out of gas and plummeted back to earth and with it brought the crash of reality.

I misplaced a gas bill, only to find it this morning, along with the notice that I will be disconnected tomorrow. This really isn’t THAT big of a deal since I use gas only for my furnace, but it looks horrible on a credit report and just adds to an already sickening feeling I have regarding my finances. I keep telling myself (and others) that it’s just money and that I’ll be fine; my savings isn’t gone yet. But the reality is that when it is, that’s all I got and then I have no other choice but to leave.

The reunion was short-lived. On Thursday, it’s all hugs and flirting and saying all the shit you used to say and mean (brought on by the drinks you drank all that day, apparently). On Friday, it’s a short hello and saying everything that negates what you had previously said. On Sunday, it was another blow-off. And that was it until about 10 minutes ago, when I missed your call. Called right back, got no answer.

Other, smaller things that just add to the pile. Kindling.

I went to bed last night sitting on the news of Andrea King’s passing. At that point, I had no detail, just the fact that she had died. A life cut short is always tragic and a bit of a shock, and I tend to immediately think ’car accident’ when it happens. I slept fitfully and uncomfortably, toohotoocoldtoohot, and upon waking up this morning, started my day with a gushing nosebleed. The kind you get when you get punched in the face. Finally talked to Martha and found out it wasn’t a car accident. Not that her death would be any less sad had it been through some misfortunate circumstance, but knowing that she felt she had no other escape from her pain adds a different sort of ache to it all.


Andrea. Age 24. I met her through Martha a couple years ago. We weren’t super-close friends, but we were friends. Since I started school again I became scarce around town, only going out for certain pre-ordained events like trivia or shows I didn’t want to miss. I quit calling people to see if they wanted to hang out (partially due to having things to do, but also partially due to the fact that it seems every time I do call people they are busy anyway- most of the people I know have very one-sided availability, and in turn I became the same way, only hanging out when someone called me). So it turned into we only saw each other when we ran into each other downtown. Always with promises on both sides of "Yeah, let’s hang out!" "We’ll get dinner, etc." "Give me a call!/I’ll call you!"... and I kept meaning to. But I didn’t. And now I really wish I had because I’ve lost that chance. I know that those little things do have the ability to either break a person or keep them afloat, and I can’t help but think that by just calling her up once in a while I could have helped to prevent this. I didn’t know she was hurting. And I know everyone always says they didn’t see it coming, but maybe I didn’t see it because I wasn’t around enough to notice. Which makes me really really sad.

To Andrea: You are such a great lady! I’m going to miss seeing you around town and getting updates on your newest tattoos. I’ll miss drinking beers and talking about hair dye and animals. I’m sorry you weren’t happy, and I hope that you have found peace. You will be missed by many.

This guy cracks me up

Georgia needs more fans like this. Maybe it would have helped them get further than one game. (let it play through a couple times to get the streaming down; it’s better at real speed)



Kinda chilly outside today.

I’m on ’spring break’ right now. Though without a job, I have nothing to do and am too broke to go anywhere. So I guess I’ll devote this time to trying to FIND a job. If I don’t find something soon (or find a cool roommate with few belongings willing to live in a little bedroom in a little house with 3 cats...), well, I have about 2 or 3 months of reserves and after that, adios Athens. I will do what I can to make it to the end of the next quarter in school though, so that if I take off for a while I can come back and finish next year, because I really want to finish this program.

Why do you keep reentering my life (and not just simply reentering which is fine, but reentering and saything the things you do) when I am ready to just get on with it? Do you have radar or something? I’m not doing things that way again. If you really mean half the shit you (pussyfoot around and vaguely) say, you should be able to tell me to my face and act that way too. "Why does it have to be called something? Why does it have to have labels?"? Because if you can’t even say it to me, you’ll never acknowledge anything to the outside world, which is a little bit important to me. And as I’ve said before, if you can’t actually say it to me, then it’s not what you want.

I had already written all this crap once- Myspace ate it.

My tragus piercing is revolting against me out of nowhere. I guess it got snagged on something last week and tore a little... I didn’t notice until it was a little inflammed on Friday. I woke up yesterday morning, and the thing was so swollen it looked like someone had snuck into my house and implanted a red marble on the side of my head. And it hurts. After doing everything you aren’t supposed to do to a piercing (hydrogen peroxide and antibiotic ointment), the swelling has gone down considerably. It’s still gross though. I’m considering taking it out, but don’t want any wierd scar tissue, so I’ll probably see if it’ll heal up.

Yeah. That’s about all.

What not to do with your facial hair.

The full beard? Sure. Five o’clock shadow/day-old scruff? Can be pretty hot on the right guy. Goatee? Go for it. Just a moustache? Doable. Soul patch? Eh... I can deal I guess.

But the Face Pube Landing Strip? NO.

Thank God For Dead-Brained Extremist Whackos!

Ok, I know I’ve gone blog-happy this week, and I wasn’t going to post another one for a few days to give you all a break, but I saw this and it really pissed me off. I guess they ran out of dead soldiers and actors to picket.
Now I’m the kind of person that even if I don’t like you, I’m not usually going to wish bad things upon you, other than maybe a mild case of dysentery or chronic acne. But I would not be sad in the least if something were to happen to obliterate these people from Earth. And send their self-righteous, hatemongering, narrow-minded, probably-inbred, neon-sign-loving, bullshit-spewing, and plain ugly asses straight to Hell.

Westboro Baptist Church
Seriously. These people suck.


Edit: I wonder what they’d have to say about the ad that was on my homepage:

And so we disconnect, the room grows quiet around us.

Background:    about 6 weeks ago, some shit went down where I behaved poorly and said some not-nice things I didn’t mean to someone, leading to a complete falling out. Subsequently, over the following weeks it gnawed at me, and I felt more awful about it each day, and though fully realizing that it most likely wouldn’t change the outcome, I decided to clear the air a bit. Seeing as how calling was not an option anymore (plus my words work better in writing), I sent a sincere and well-thought-out email containing an acknowledgement of and apology for my bad behavior. I then sent a text message requesting that this particular email be read.

Fast Forward to Now:    Yesterday I received a text which started a small dialogue, beginning with an attack on why I was "trying to send [them] messages". I repeated my request for that email to be read- basically a do-this-last-thing-for-me-and-then-I’ll-be-on-my-way response. This was met with an inquiry on if I just wanted to meet up and talk. I said ’read the email first, please’, gave my reasons why, and said I’d meet up if requested to after. The next text said "just fucken meet me".
   Up to now, it’s not really a negative dialogue; not a postive one really and a little redundant, but nothing to even really think about later. At this point, it’s around 12:40am, and I am at a friend’s house in Watkinsville studying with a group of girls for a lab final we had today. We left to go to Waffle House for a bit, and when we got back to her house, I checked my phone and saw that last ’meet me’ text. Though it was about 2 hours later (around 2:50am), texts are not usually invasive, so I replied that I’d meet if they wanted but after they read the email. I got an immediate response saying "one of us is gonna hafta budge...", so naturally I responded by saying that I always budged and once again asking that they do me this favor just this once and just read my email, considering they sent me their fair share of them and I didn’t ignore them. I accidentally sent it early, so I sent another directly following saying that technically no one has to budge, but I’ve already made the first move so it’s your turn. While writing these, I receive two texts that I don’t look at until later. This is where something happened.
    I don’t believe that I’ve said anything wrong or mean or shady up to this point. The two texts I got ended the ’conversation’ because I abandoned my phone and didn’t see them until close to 4:30am, and wasn’t going to bother responding then since the other party would by now for sure be asleep. When I first read them, they didn’t seem to make much sense, probably because I really wanted to sleep, but I didn’t take them in a negative manner, though the last one seemed a little like I was being challenged. At this point, I actually felt a little more positive about the situation since there was at least a dialogue in place that didn’t include name-calling or mud-slinging.
    So today:   I go to school. I take two exams. I come home. I send a general text just in response to the last two I got last night, so it wouldn’t look like I was ignoring them. Commented on the tone of the last text, then just said I didn’t respond since I didn’t see the messages until so late, blah blah, took some tests now for a nap.
   Three hours later, I get this: "Considering that I have barely said a word to you in over two months, you sure have been trying to talk to me lately." (first off, it hasn’t been over 2 months since this happened, except that the reason for the blowup was me getting pissed at being blown off so I suppose it’s true in that respect) What??? Get off your high horse. I just responded to the texts sent to me. Yes, I sent that email along with a request that it actually be read, but it wasn’t me "trying to talk to" them, it was an apology for being a raging bitch six weeks back. That’s pretty much it.
   So now I think about it, because this statement is a bit of a slap for more than one reason, and go back to the last 2 texts from the night before that I’d only glanced at and realize that maybe I misinterpreted them and they are not positive in the least but are accusatory and even a little threatening. I just don’t see where the switchover came from ’just meet me’ to these.
   1) "Every time my phone goes off and it is your name, it makes me want to come over there and see what is up. Because this is not working. Whatever ’this’ is." 
   This came 15 minutes after ’someones gotta budge’. Every time your phone goes off? It’s going off because I’m RESPONDING to your last text. WTF? I didn’t just send random texts all damn night for no reason- I had better shit to do, like learning for my anatomy test. And I’m not ’up to’ anything, nor did I think that ’this’ would work to acheive my non-existant plan. I don’t know what ’this’ is either. Even if I was up to something, it’d be a waste of time. I know that nothing works on you anyway because you are selfish, which you said yourself.
    2) 20 minutes later (with no response by me to 1): "I hope not to keep you up(?), but I have ignored you enough tonight. Next time my phone wakes me, I am bangin’ on your door. Your call."
     Smart-ass. You knew you weren’t keeping me up because I had already mentioned the all-night study session. And you weren’t ignoring me because you responded to my messages, which is also why I assumed you were awake. To keep me from waking you with an answer to your last message, all you had to do was A) not respond or B) say you were sleeping. I wasn’t trying to keep waking you up. And what if I’d sent a message back? You’re going to come banging on my door? And do what?
    Now maybe the text I got today just got me all defensive and I’m still misreading those statements. But still. All of this because I wanted to be a decent human being, and sent an email basically saying that I did not want to be the person I briefly became, I was ashamed for treating someone I cared about so horribly, and that I was truly sorry for what I said, along with a goodwill offer of "you wanna talk again, cool, give me a call- I’ll be around; or if not, I understand and have a good life".
   This is the type of thing that makes me want to not even bother with people anymore. Even when trying to do something right or good, everything gets all screwy.

To round out my day:
  -My head is killing me from lack of sleep.
  -I didn’t do as well on the exams as I wanted to or should have: I kept second-guessing myself and know of at least three answers I changed when my first gut-answer was actually correct.
  -I left my calculator in my old backpack, which on a chemistry test made up entirely of using gas law formulas/equations to solve volume, pressure, moles, or temperature of gases really comes in handy.
  -Joe puked on my pillow.

Time for bed. Sorry for the length.

Things I Would Rather Be Doing.

-Housework. Even folding my clothes, which is my least liked chore.
-Bowling, as was mentioned in a text earlier today.
-Drinking beer. That’s a no-brainer...
-Reading the book I borrowed from Matt back in December so I can give it back sometime soon.
-Finishing copying the Looney Toons dvds (I’m a pirate, arrrr!) I borrowed from Matt in early February so I can give them back sometime soon.
-Eating dinner. That isn’t made up by broken cookies given to me by the cafeteria lady at Athens Tech.
-Going to see Built to Spill in Atlanta tonight. This should be number 1 on this list.
-Sleeping. Also a no-brainer.
-Any other myriad of things...

But instead I’m studying for a lab practical and a chemistry exam I have tomorrow. Chem test should be easy as pie, as long as I can remember the equations. Lab practical has me a little apprehensive, but I think I’ll get at least a B. I just sort of slacked on learning the GI and urinary and reproductive tracts so I’m afriad they’ll want me to identify something I can’t remember.

Which reminds me- on Tuesday we had our last anatomy lab, and it was a necropsy lab. Autopsy for animals, really. It was definitely something I’d never seen, and I wouldn’t recommend it for those who have a weak stomach. The blood-and-guts don’t bother me much, but man, innards (or rather their contents) REEK. Digging around looking for kidneys and vas deferens in a tom cat with a full bladder doesn’t smell like roses. Nor does the gallbladder. Also, seeing how easy it is to disarticulate an animal’s head was a little weird. The dog we watched being necropsied was an older spayed female. She had all sorts of problems including a grossly bulging eye, tapeworms, a malformed liver, a very enlarged kidney, and an adrenal gland that was all tumor. Pretty neat. If I could get past the smell, I might be interested in this area.

count your blemishes, you can't, they're all gone

Being so used to getting up early these days, I find I can't sleep past 10am no matter how badly I want to (unless I'm really hungover...). Today not being the case, I just wanted to lounge in bed for a while since it's all cold and overcast and windy and sort of snowing outside. I had kitties to cuddle with, but my eyes were not going to cooperate. So if it gets even marginally nicer outside, meaning without precipitation, I'll probably go get a haircut even though I can't afford it. I've been participating in other things I can't afford recently too that I don't need, so since I've lost all patience with the mop on my head I feel I can justify it just a little bit.
How to interpret a blank piece of paper? On one hand, it is a tangible response. On the other, it is a non-response because it's a response that says nothing. Is it "It's cool" or "It's not cool, I have nothing to say to you?". I'll play it safe and go with answer B.

Grrrr. I tried to open my iTunes on my laptop the other day, but I forgot to plug in my little portable external hard drive, which is where I keep the music files. It messed up the database file, so now when I open iTunes it's blank. Which means I lost all my trivia playlists too. I have to reimport everything (luckily just the song info/location, not the actual songs), which takes 10 years. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but it does take about 45 minutes. And then I'll have to rebuild the trivia shit because those songs have to be specific in length... Boo, hiss.

Even though it's really strange and I never thought about it working out this way, I'm an aunt now. I figured I'd have kids before my brother did, considering he's 10 years younger than me. But oops. I know most people offer a "Congrats!" upon the birth of a child, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't fit in this situation what with that they're both kids themselves (she's 15), and it's been nothing but non-stop drama and angst for my mother. I hadn't talked to her since Christmas, so I called the other night. The baby was born in mid-February, and this was the first I'd heard of it. I think she's partially in denial that this baby is in fact her grandchild, because when I asked her what it was named she responded, "Oh, Mallory something...".

Ok, the weather is freaking me out a bit. It's windy as hell, and right now it's super sunny at my house. But I'm looking out the window and the darkest grey clouds EVER are moving this way. As long as it doesn't rain lizards or anvils I'll be ok.

I read in the Athens Banner Herald- such a fine newspaper it is- that Mark Richt received an $800,000 per year salary increase, bringing his annual pay to $2.8 million. I know he's done good things for the program, and I did spend enough time at UGA (in the Redcoats no less) to like college football and all, but it blows my mind that just his pay raise equals the median yearly income for 26 Athens residents combined (The 2006 estimate being 30,500 per year). Which 'median' isn't really representative when you're talking about a city in which 14% of families and 30% of individuals have earnings that fall below the poverty line. As I said before, I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a raise and I'm not getting all advocate and that, but comparing his income to mine, well, I could probably find my yearly income in his couch cushions.

Anyone going to see either Man Man or the Effie's show tonight? I want to do both, but that requires cover charges for both which ain't happening... so if cool people are going to one or the other than that's the one I'll pick. I'm not opposed to going to shows alone, but it is just more fun with others (and will help me make up my mind).

Proof that college is worth nothing these days

So, I've been really trying to avoid working in a restaurant again. I've applied for lots and lots of job-jobs, and have been depressingly unsuccessful thus far. But, this one really kills me. To the point that I'm giving up. This is the job I applied for:
Title: HIM I - 2ND/3RD SHIFT

Summary: reconciles and assembles all discharged records against his discharge report. scans emergency department and outpatient records. prepares charts for scanning, matching batch header sheets. ensures that all chart requests are processed as requested. all next day surgeries are pulled timely and the chart locator report is accurate. (18918) (15-Feb-2008)

Hours: friday and saturday, 10:30p-7a.m 16 hours

Skills: basic computer skills.

Experience: none

Education: high school diploma or ged

Licensure:

Classification: tech-pro
And this is the result:
The following actions have been taken regarding your application(s) for employment.

HIM I - 2ND 3RD SHIFT

03-Mar-2008 Your application has been reviewed and you do not meet the minimum qualifications for this position.

02-Mar-2008 Your application is being reviewed by HR personnel.

 

 

 

I do not meet the minimum qualifications, which are 1) Be partially literate; 2) Be human; and 3) Be breathing. Let's see... I have a college degree, at least a slightly above-average IQ, and it's obvious I have basic computer skills because I managed to submit an online application. AND I spelled everything correctly and used proper punctuation, which is more than I can say for whoever it was that wrote the application and job description blurbs.

 

So there we are. Watch now as I decend into Minimun Wage Hell once more.

 

 

P.S. Now that I'm broke, I'm selling some shit on Craigslist. If you, or someone you know, might want a Tascam 4-track recorder, a Roland D-5 synthesizer, or a Yamaha digital sequencer, hit me up.

Just because it works doesn't mean it's not broken

Dear neighbors with that Rock Band video game:
   Please refrain from playing said game at full volume at 3:30 am. I know it was a Saturday night, but I'm a dork now (?) and go to bed early. Usually I would have been able to ignore it and go back to sleep, but your rendition of "Roxanne" was really just too much to handle. Not to mention that you followed that up with promptly getting "booed off stage" with your versions of "My Sharona", "Blitzkrieg Bop", "Four Dead in Ohio" and "Creep". I hope you aren't planning on auditioning for American Idol any time soon, because that Simon guy will have an absolute heyday with you, and I don't want to listen to you cry either. Thanks.

Other things I can't get my mind off of. Some I should. Some that would be best for me to forget about. It seems what with everything else sort of sucking right now, it makes it harder to move on in other aspects. Too much at once, maybe. Tends to make everything stop. Sigh.

Another being struck with the paranoia that I'd possibly walked on past a dead woman. Pretty irrational when you think of it. I left ERC last night a little before 9 pm, and on my way out, I almost hit a woman in the head with the door. She had been sitting on the steps, and now was laying back and appeared to be sleeping. Upon passing her, I thought "Oh, she's taking a nap. Glad I didn't hit her with the door". I guess this is because I've seen lots of people nap in unconventional places downtown (usually during the day in nice weather, bums excluded). It didn't strike me as odd until I got home when I started thinking maybe I should have checked on her. I just hope I'm being a worrier and nothing more. I thought about a time when a classmate of mine 'fell asleep' at a recital, and everyone left him there after. I nudged him and he didn't budge, and mentioned it to a worker in the lobby. Turned out he had slipped into unconsciousness due to a diabetic complication and wasn't far from a full-fledged coma. Paramedics were called, he was fine... but if someone hadn't gone back to check, he'd be dead. Once I was awake from the neighbors, this woman was one of the things tumbling through my head. It took me 2 hours to go back to sleep...

Why are people so hell-bent on hurting each other? Particularly women... they seem to always have it out for other women. Spoke with a friend about this today. She was recently the victim of a mutiny at her place of employment. She had done nothing wrong... it was simply other women being evil backstabbing bitches. All I know is I could use all the friends I can get, and I don't really understand the hidden hatred some women possess. I'm not saying I haven't fallen into a bit of it myself, but I will say that when I have there were outside factors contributing to my bad behavior, and I never felt good about it later. Same with grudges. I just don't see the point, or rather they don't work for me. Sometimes as much as I think someone may be worth me really disliking or holding a grudge, with time it just makes me sadder.

My newest source of entertainment: Craigslist. The shit people post there is insane. Particularly in the personals section. Do people actually respond to that crap??

Well, since I have no food here, and I must study for a test I have tomorrow, I think it's off to Transmet for me. Leaving the house is the only thing that will make me get off the computer or stop doing laundry or leave my cats alone or not read that other non-school book or not watch those movies... you get the point.

The moments that make up a dull day

Theme for this past week: Liver destruction. It regenerates, right?

In an attempt to somwhow make myself feel better about my current place in life, I've reverted to some old self-destructive/self-satisfying tendencies. Nothing too bad, but hollow just the same. There will be no lasting connections, if anything because I will purposely drift off or make myself completely unavailable whether I really want to do so or not. Partially because that is just how I am, and partially because I really just don't want to go there right now.

Kind of going along with the above, what I keep thinking will help me move on isn't. At the end of the day, after everything else, my thoughts always return to one person. Pointless, I know, for many reasons. It's just too late. Out of sight, out of mind... not true. I'm sure at this point, and under the circumstances of the parting, it's a one-sided problem.

I was supposed to have registered and paid for next quarter by 3:30 pm yesterday. I didn't. I'll have to do late registration if I can get my ducks in a row. If not...

Finally a nice day that's not just nice looking from the inside. That cold snap earlier this week was no fun. My little Weatherbug tells me the forecast for Monday is highs in the lower 70s. Yay!

I really want to go to Six Flags this year. Every year, there will be a group of people who are all about it, but then it never happens. I need a roller coaster fix. It's been way too long! Also some trips down the Broad River are in order. I didn't go once last year, though I bet it wasn't great with water levels being so low. I'm thinking that listening to your boat scrape the river bed for 4 hours is not tons of fun.

This morning Joe decided to get creative and pee in my tub, right over the drain. If they're going to go where they're not supposed to, I'd say that's the best place. If only I had more than one toilet in this house, I'd totally potty-train the cats. With enough thought, I may be able to rig up something removeable... Also, whenever I stretch out on my couch, like I am now, Oliver becomes a permanent fixture on my feet.

We were given an extra freebie get-things-done day this year, and I wasted it by hanging around my house, lying on my couch napping and watching movies. Go me.

Every time I decide to change my song on my profile, I can never find the song I want. Apparently no matter which artist I choose, my favorite songs are not the same ones as everyone else. I also can't understand why there are so many artists' pages with the same songs on them. I know people make 'fan' pages so they can upload their favorite song to put on their profile, but then why do all the fan pages have the same two choices?? Why go to the trouble to make the fan page for a particular song when nine other people have already done so? Of course, when I do find the song I'm looking for, it's either a live/demo/acoustic version, or the 'add' function is disabled. Which is why now you get to listen to Gene Pitney instead of what I was originally looking for.

I have two tests this week. I really need to study for them, and would like to go downtown today to do so. It's funny, but I actually get more done away from home because I get less distracted by things like this. However, I don't know if I'm up for coffee right now what with the return of some issues pertaining to a minor-but-ever-present health condition. Stress has brought some symptoms back on that I'd been free of for a couple years, and I no longer have a prescription for the beta blockers I used to take to help with them. If not the coffee shop, I can't think of anywhere that's really appropriate downtown to sit and study for a few hours. There's always decaf, I guess.

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was told a long time ago that I should get said condition checked out every few years by the proper specialist. That would have been in 2002, maybe. I have yet to do so, because that also means an echocardiogram, which the first time around cost about $1400. As an uninsured individual, that took me a couple years to pay off. Damn expensive healthcare...

Damn expensive everything. We should go back to the barter system. However, I don't have any goats. Only cats.

superfluous post: quatre

Today has been a drowsy kind of day. Rainy this morning and overcast this afternoon. There has also been some major wind going on... sort of eery. One second the wind is kicking, the next it's deathly still. Good thing it's not really tornado weather- I can't think of anyplace in my house that would be effective as shelter. They tell you to go to the innermost room or hallway, one without windows, and I don't have either of these. The neighbors have a basement so I'd probably just bum their shelter.

Yeah. Today is the kind of day that makes me wish I had cable, even if only for the background noise. I want to veg out on the couch and watch crappy TV and eat crap food, maybe take a nap. Instead I have to pick a movie. I just finished 'watching' SNL: The Best of Will Ferrell. Luckily I can still take a nap.

superfluous post no. drei

Guess what I did today? I drove a car. My car. On a street with (a couple) other cars. I went 60 mph. Winterville is a lovely little town. I drove from Winterville to WalMart. A HIGH FIVE! to Liz for trusting me to not kill her.

I also bought/pumped gasoline for the first time ever. Which makes me reconsider driving. My bike is so much cheaper.

superfluous post no. 2

The first being the last one.

That was NOT a mixolydian scale.

Today's activities: hot tea for breakfast, followed by a lounge session on my couch watching two movies back-to-back while eating cheese and crackers, followed by early evening coffee and chemistry homework, ending the day with a calzone/PBR/laptop goof-off combo at Transmet.

The movies I watched were completely unrelated to each other, and were chosen arbitrarily; Jurassic Park and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

The cheese and crackers were an homage to my late grandfather. He was a chip man (just like my dad), and when I was little I'd sometimes go on his route with him. His routes were shorter and easier than my dad's, which is why I liked to go. Plus we always ate lunch at Skyline Chili in Clifton. When we got home, we'd each have a plate of cheese and crackers and a Coca-Cola, and settle into the recliners in the family room. I always liked that, even though the only channels he watched on TV were the ones with scrolling stock tickers at the bottom.

A full day of TV screen/laptop screen/textbooks makes my eyeballs feel like shriveled grapes within their sockets and makes my brain unable to function on even a semi-intelligent level. Were you to attempt a conversation with any sort of depth with me right now, I'd probably just stare at you and nod. Maybe drool a little too for effect.

On Old Olympus' Towering Top

 A Fine Vocal German Viewed Some Hops.

I feel some unnecessary need to write a blog because it has been almost 10 days. Also, I want to bury the lame-o mope session that made up the last one. However, that will take 5 blogs, and I sure as hell don't have that much shit to say.

Today all of my 'Sponsored Links' are Indiana Jones-related. Two are for Indiana Jones Ringtones, one is from a website called cowboyhatcountry.com that has the "Indiana Jones fedora made famous by the movie!", and the last is from a place selling Indiana Jones Apparel. If I were looking for some new threads a la 1930's college professor/archeologist, I'd know where to go. Though I would need mine in Short Round sizes.

Martha found my camera! The one I lost on New Year's Eve. I was less bummed about losing the camera itself than I was about the fact that I have never lost anything like that, and was annoyed that it had finally happened. No matter my condition, I have always made it home with my wallet/phone/keys/camera/whatever else. It was almost a point of pride. If I didn't have it with me, it was simply in someone's car or house, and not actually lost. And I knew where I'd left it. This time the camera was gone. Except it wasn't. Seems it fell out of my bag and ended up under the bed in the room I slept in. So yay!

School is still going fine. More than halfway through, I've got a steady mid-high A in Vet A&P and I should have either a high B or A in Chemistry. I thought I'd bombed the hell out of my last Chem test, but ended up with an 89. On top of that there will be some extra credit, too.

Just finished scrubbing my bathroom. Not the most fun, but now it looks pretty again. Will probably do a little more cleaning, then head downtown to the coffee shop.

Not a lot else going on. Glad for the pretty day today. Been a good week. Hope it keeps it up.

The VD blues.

Just so you know, by VD I mean 'Valentine's Day", not 'Venereal Disease'. I don't have that kind of VD.

Though I suppose for some, one leads to the other, huh? A venereal disease causes itching and discomfort (on a superficial level). The VD blues (retartedly) causes an ache (not itching) on the deep, internal level. Which causes very superficial signs i.e. leaking a fluid from the lacrimal ducts- to show. Which is stupid and makes me feel like such a girl.

Here I am, at age 27. I think Valentine's Day is a Bullshit Holiday. Something made by the commercial forces in order to influece us into buying cards/candy/gifts for our 'significant others'. No other major holidays fall at this time of year, or with this sort of importance- they gotta stay afloat somehow! And the commercial giants guilt us into buying shit for our 'other halves' this day of the year... otherwise, you'll be in deep doo doo. What a load of garbage!!!

So yes, I recognize it's a load of crap. But... I also haven't had a Valentine since I was in 8th grade (that's Feb. 1995 for those who don't want to do math). And as ridiculous as the whole "holiday" is, I still wish that I were involved in the spectacle just once. I want to be taken out for a nice dinner. I want the person I love to give me some sign that he loves me too. I don't want a whole bunch.... I just want to love someone who loves me back. And this has not worked the way I hoped it would for the past 2 years. I loved someone who didn't love me back. And who (according to him) couldn't love me back as I wished he would. I doomed myself from the start. He was 33 years old, and had no idea what he wanted in life... what am I supposed to do with that when I know at least the basics of what I want in life?? Am I supposed to 'hang out' as a 'platonic' cuddle-buddy until he decides what he wants in life (which may very well not be me), even though I know now, and he has no idea?? That can only go on for so long.

I did cut him off of communication about 3 weeks ago, so I guess anything I say now is a moot point. But I don't think he realizes that I just broke my own heart again by severing all ties. And I don't think I'll ever be in communication with him again so my feelings about the whole thing really don't matter. So what can I do? Nothing, except move on. That's it. I loved him. He wasn't interested in such things. There is nothing else to say about that.

So yeah, Fuck Valentine's Day. It's a commercialized bunch of BS. And it's dumb that such a thing can make me feel bad. Now where's my chocolate?

edited for drunken redundancies and bad grammar... yeah, i was drunk. what else brings forth such a blog??

Pockets full of posies

       I'm a packrat. I have trinkets and papers and whatnot from all sorts of things scattered in drawers and boxes all over my house. I have a box containing drawings, homework, standardized test scores, report cards- hell, you name it- dating back to 1986. (Is it strange that I'm the one that has these things and not my mother? I took them because she was going to throw them all away, and well, see below and you'll see why... A bit metaphorical if you know of our relationship). I have a bag of my most loved childhood stuffed animals (remember Pound Puppies?) and a box of other kid-things... the baseball cards I got from cereal boxes, a few real (as in all metal) Hot Wheels cars, a glow-in-the-dark Rice Crispies Duncan yo-yo and a Duncan Butterfly yo-yo, the Battleship game (manual, non of that electronic shit), Hearthrob boardgame, etc. etc. etc...

       I have a particularly weird thing about photos and letters/cards- I have never been able to throw any of them away, because for some reason I feel as if I'm throwing away a small part of the person the item came from. As if I'd be somehow affecting them in a physical way, like a voodoo doll or something. I just can't do it. This leads me to have school photos of kids I haven't seen since 4th grade. Every birthday and Christmas card ever sent to me. Every postcard, letter- even every note passed to me in middle school. Papers all over the place.

       So now I'm trying to finally get this place cleaned up and organized. I'm trying to pare down, not only because I really just should, but also because there may be some changes in the coming months. So what to do with that I just can't part with? 
     
     It's been two weeks. You were the same (careless douche) you always have been. I got pissed, and sort of fucked up with the way I let you know I was pissed. The straw that broke the camel's back. Moving on.
   - Things not belonging to me returned.
   - All written correspondence sealed up and put away (not discarded- see above).
   - Certain other items also put away.
   - Phone number deleted (more to prevent text-stupidity on my part than anything).
   - The acceptance that that's it. For real this time.
    The severance is almost complete. I just have to wait for the dull ache within to subside. 'Till then...

    Today I found the first four-leaf-clover of the year. Actually it was two; they were right next to each other. I brought them home and they joined the others in good ole' St. Martin's Handbook. The only thing I have ever used this textbook for is pressing four-leaf-clovers. For you who are interested in such things, the small patches of clover along Pulaski St. always have lots of four-leafers. For me, those are one of the few things I don't have to look hard to find.

The End Is Near!

The Coca-Cola vending machines at Athens Tech now accept credit cards.

A sign of the Apocalypse, maybe?

Groundhog Day, pt. II

The other day I got an invitation to join the group "Henry County High Class of '99". Seems a couple of the popular girls have taken on the daunting task of starting to plan the 10-year reunion. And boy-howdy, lucky me was found by one of said popular girls within a day of this group's creation.

Now, I have nothing against high school reunions. And I have nothing against these people. But I don't know them. What the hell are we going to talk about? And moreso, what the hell have I been doing for the past ten years?

In high school, it's a favorite question of the counseling/advising staff to ask. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?".

I really doubt most people answer "At 27? I'll be unemployed and broke, single, living alone, back in school, have a family I don't know, and have a handful of friends of which most are only aquaintences at best, considering the frequency with which I actually speak to them.".

This isn't the answer I gave, either, but it's where I ended up being. Funny how things work out, huh?
So yeah. I pretty much feel like a huge failure. Besides school, which I'm actually doing decently in, I look around and see nothing. I know I've fallen into a depression again, and I keep trying to pull myself out of it. But everytime I try something, everything else falls apart.

On Monday night, I got drunk and upset (as usual) and told Eric to fuck off and not come back. And it seems that this time, he actually did. In reality, this probably should have happened a long time ago. But I'm still not happy with it. Or how I went about it. Granted, he kept saying I was back-and-forth (when he was the one who didn't want a relationship, yet I knew what I wanted), but when it came down to just maintaining a friendship, he was just as bad, if not worse. He'd make tentative plans, then blow me off completely. He'd call to see if I wanted to join him somewhere, then say he wasn't going to be there much longer though. He'd just ignore me for no reason for days on end. This was how it always was. Even before we stopped talking for those 5 months last year, he'd get upset if I didn't call him right back, whine and moan to others that "I don't think she likes me anymore...", and they would even say, "well you treat her like shit, what do you expect?". He'd say he knew, and he was trying to fix that. But nothing ever changed. Next thing you know, I get heartbroken, we stop talking, I lose 10 pounds from depression... then I start getting better, and wanting to move on, etc. But he comes back- blah blah blah, I'm a mess, I want you in my life, more BS. And nothing had changed. So this time, I tend to act like a crazy girl because now I freak out everytime he does something (that I should have seen coming), which makes me look bad, and makes me feel even worse, and it's all because of how insecure I felt with him in the first place. The second chance should have never happened, because I'd be a much better off person now if it hadn't. Either way, he still didn't know what he wanted. So it never mattered anyway. It's best that he be removed from my life. And I know that. But it still kills me inside. I feel like a bad person, and I probably am to an extent. Geez- I can't even express in writing exactly how all this has affected me.

Basically, I'm horribly depressed now. I'm horribly lonely. I have no money, no job, and no one close to me anymore. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't even want to be around people anymore, but I also can't just sit at my house.


Things will change. I know that. But will I already be dead to the world once they do? Will I have given up completely?

Groundhog Day

This morning Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter, if you believe in these sorts of things. The article I read said there were an estimated 15,000 onlookers present for the animal's prediction, and that in the 122 years the event's been happening, he's seen his shadow 97 times. Looks like a conspiracy to me...

No one claimed the pocket-found iPod. It's been 2 weeks, so I can safely assume it's mine now. I still have to get it charged- I don't have the proper USB cable.

I've decided to purge some BS from my life. Meaning getting rid of the things that upset me. In doing so, I might have hurt some feelings but I frankly just don't care anymore. It's time to start over.

Chemistry (aka MATH) can suck a dick. Even though I got a 100 on the first exam. It still can suck it. And A&P, you're making my brain implode a little bit every day. The bones/processes/fossa/foramina aren't too bad, just a shitload of memorization. But the muscles all look the same. Yes, they're easy enough to identify in a book in which they are all nicely colored in with colored pencils. But on a dog/cow/cat/goat cadaver- it all looks like chicken. And damn, there are a lot of them.

You know in the movie, when he's living the same day over and over and over again? Yeah...

It always happens in threes.

Last Tuesday it was Brad Renfro. This Tuesday it's Heath Ledger. Which 20something still-holding-on-to-a-modicum-of-acting-success-celebrity will it be next Tuesday?

I'd like to thank The Reaver and FBBX! for telling me about www.woot.com. I really needed another website to compulsively check every ten minutes/tempt me to buy gadgets I don't need. Yes. I am addicted. Yet I have refrained from making any purchases thus far.

I am a Good Person. At least I will try to be, but I will be doing so without also getting completely shafted in the end... the story behind this is:
Saturday night I went to Mercury Lounge with Becca (after an already long, but ridiculously fun, day). Alfredo was playing music, a dance party was going, and things were great. I took off my coat and purse and put it on the floor against the wall inside so I could 'dance' (read: look stupid) without interference. More people decided to pile up their coats there too.

Fast forward, it's time to go. I get my stuff, start the walk home. I had some gloves in my handwarmer-pockets (you know, those little slit pockets at chest level) on my coat. I pulled them out and felt something in one of the pockets. I figured it was my cell phone, since I regularly drop it in there. Nope. I reach in and pull out a random iPod Nano.
What I figure is that someone went to move it from their pants pocket to the coat pocket of one of the other coats in the pile, and put it in my pocket instead accidentally. I have no idea who it belongs to; there isn't a name engraved on it and the battery is dead so I can't turn it on. Hell, I really don't even know how to work one...

So when I say I'm going to be a Good Person but not get shafted, I mean I know I would be sad if I lost this.

So I'm going to call Mercury and see if anyone reported it missing. I'll leave my number and say if someone does to have them call me. If it can be described I'll return it, no problem. If I see a 'lost' ad in the Flagpole I'll return it, no problem. I will not, however, turn it into Mercury's lost-and-found because it was lost into my coat, not their floor or whatever. And I know how bar/restaurant lost-and-founds work... it would sit there for 3 days (tops) before an employee pulled a 'minesies'. (Yes, when you lose nice stuff at places, it doesn't hang out there long... you pretty much gotta come back that day for it). I don't think it makes me too evil to think that if the owner doesn't claim it, than I should be the one to keep it. Of course then I'll have to figure out how the damn thing works.

P.S. I went over my alotted 400 text messages last month. By a lot. Soooo.... yeah. If you can just call more, that would be cool. Or don't be offended if I don't respond.

The Confessional

I've been a bad girl. The 'Eych!' video I had up for, oh 8 months, finally triggered MySpace's copyright filter and they removed it from my profile. They also suspended my upload privileges until I complete their Copyright Education Program. Shame on me! I know this is a much worse offense than creating a false profile and harrassing a 13-year-old girl until she hangs herself in her closet. Or posing as a girl to lure unsuspecting teenage boys to meet me at some shady motel. Or sending out the most annoying "Dude, can you believe we went to high school with her? Check out these pics!" virus comment and "Find hott girls who want to party with you in your town! Get laid tonight!" friend request (always from some chick named Desiree or Jasmine).

I need a job. BAD. I am officially freaking out about money now. I really am over the restaurant business though and am trying to stay out of it, but with no luck thus far. Hell, I'm considering applying to work in the dining hall at UGA (yes, still food service, and yes, still for all the same people I can't stand waiting on... but at least I'd get health insurance). Or even- dun dun dunnn- DialAmerica. I hate the phone. That's how bad off I am.

The truth is that I'm a lazy bastard. I wouldn't mind sitting in my house all day long in my PJ's doing nothing and seeing nobody, just watching movies and hanging out with my cats (it's hard to disappoint them). I don't want to do a damn thing. Unfortunately, if I do this much longer, I won't have a house to sit in. Which leads me to...

I think I'm also over Athens. I love this town, but I hate this town. Now that things are the way they are, I feel as if I have no reason to be here anymore. I'm not going anywhere, and other than school, I have nothing binding here. I have a few really awesome friends, but another truthful thing about me is that I just don't connect to other people they way others do. More than once over the past month, I've considered packing it in, packing it up, and moving up to Cincinnati. There I'd have a free place to live (until they drove me crazy...); I could work some bullshit job part-time, and go to school. I already looked into what it would take to transfer into the Vet Tech program there... more than I want to do really, which is what kept me from actually doing it. Because yes, I'm lazy.

I suppose if I'm going to title this blog 'The Confessional', perhaps I should come up with some other Things You May Not Have Known About Me.

1) If you send me a message or an email, it will take me at least two weeks to respond. If I respond at all. It's not because I don't like you. As I said earlier, I'm lazy.

2) I like shoes. A LOT. I wear the same ratty sneakers every day, but my closet holds the truth.

3) I have a third nipple... PSYCH! (or is it sike?)

4) I hate math. I'm taking chemistry right now, which they tell me is science. But they lie. Chemistry is another word for math.

5) I really like making out. You probably didn't want to know this but too bad. It's true. I definitely carry the potential to be a make-out whore (though I think that's much too strong of a word for such an innocuous and often innocent activity). I don't live up to my potential. Here's the funny part... the 2 or 3 times I've made out with someone in the past year (yes... year.), it has NOT been with the on-again/off-again dude. Because he has no interest in such activities. We'll leave it at that...

6) I am more concerned with aging than I should be. I am well aware of the silver hairs that are now intermixing with the brown ones. I use body lotion way more than I used to. I am also paranoid that the small little wrinkles at the corners of my eyes are going to explode overnight into full-on crow's feet.

7) A large part of my wardrobe is made up of clothing that came from other people's closets. One man's trash is another's treasure, you know.

8) Every time I smell Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb... or sorry, Pibb Extra, I think "Man, I want some. It smells good!". Then I taste it and remember how much I don't like it. When I worked at the restaurant, I did this about once a week.

9) I get shit on by birds on a regular basis. I know people who have never been crapped on; it's a once-monthly event for me. I have heard that this could be considered good luck, but...

10) I play a scratch-off lottery ticket once a week, usually on Friday. I've been doing this for at least a year, if not longer, and I've won maybe 3 times. Never more than $2.

11) I like to write long-winded, wordy blogs that most people probably don't finish reading. Oh wait... you already knew that.

Pasteurized process cheese food

Not a lot going on. Still unemployed. But this needs to change soon. I have got to motivate myself to take a more proactive role in things like this. If I could just sit at my house all day forever and do nothing, I would...

School is back on. This quarter should prove a busy one- Veterinary A&P might just kick my ass. Plus chemistry, which I'm not too worried about, except the math part.

Got new tires for my bike. I couldn't really afford it, but I had no choice as I blew the rear one out on Tuesday. They were both pretty dryrotted... they were the same tires that came with the bike in 1994. It was time.

Tonight I took about 4 bites from something called a "Snack Stick". It was a Slim Jim knock-off, and pretty sketchy. It felt like it was covered with wax. And the second ingredient on the package was 'mechanically separated chicken'.

Any budding hairstylists out there? Anyone want to cut my hair? I need at least a trim, but would probably lose an eye if I tried to do it myself. I am too broke to go to the salon... so my head is up for grabs.

Tonight, I am going to chill out at home. I think I'll take a hot bath... yeah... just wish I had some wine to drink at the same time. Or some ice cream. Eating ice cream in a hot bath is amazing. (especially if you partake of another bowl beforehand) Everyone should try it!

Ween. At the Georgia Theatre. YES. Tickets go on sale tomorrow at noon through GA Theatre's website. Yeah, I'm broke. But I will not eat for 3 days to get a ticket to see Ween. Fuck yeah.

Other than that, I think I'm about to hermitize myself for a while. I'm kinda over people for the time being, plus I got a lot of shit to do. So if you want to hang out with me let me know. And don't feel neglected if I don't call you... it's not you, it's me. I'm an equal opportunity ignorer.

Peace out.

I've got nowhere to go, and noone to see

Welcome to the South:
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ATM attack blamed on snowfall mania

A man who beat on an ATM Tuesday night claimed he was excited about a light snowfall, but police think he and his friends may have been trying to break into the machine, Athens-Clarke police said.

Officers were dispatched at about 11 p.m. to the Bank of America at the corner of Hawthorne and Prince avenues on a report of three suspicious men who were banging on an ATM, police said.

Brian James Begeal, 21, told officers he was "hitting on (the ATM) because he is a drummer and this was the first time he had ever seen snow fall," according to police.

Begeal and one of his companions, 18-year-old Simon Andrew Cotterell, each had a backpack containing a pry bar, bolt cutters, screwdrivers, pliers, a razor knife and a flashlight, police said, and both were charged with possession of burglary tools.

The third man, 20-year-old Frank Louis Ovinnio, said if he knew his friends had the tools he wouldn't have been with them because he is trying to become a police officer, police said.

The three men were charged with loitering or prowling, police said.

Published in the Athens Banner-Herald on 010308
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I am broke. Well, almost. I have a few jobs I've applied for that I am still waiting to hear about, but I can't be jobless much longer. I'll have to do the restaurant BS again I think, but I hate to take a job somewhere only to leave after a few weeks should my first choices work out...

I've been given one more reason not to trust you. Say what you want, but I do view things differently than you. And most recently you even said exactly what I've been saying for a while now. It's just too late.

I went to Ohio for a week. It was cold there. I came back to Athens, and it went and got cold here. Colder than Ohio even. I didn't bring it back, I promise. I did get to have dinner with Martha and Jon in Cincinnati, as they were passing through on their drive back from Canada. They crashed for the evening in my Grandma's basement. Good times.

If I don't have a cold anymore, why do I still get snot crusties in my nose? Not fair.

I took some pictures on New Years Eve, but I will never see them. My camera disappeared somewhere between Mercury Lounge and Martha's house. It may be in the back seat of the car we rode in, but I'll check the two other places it may be as well. Though it's really not that big of a deal- the camera wasn't that nice (it had already broken apart a couple times that night, but I'd put it back together), and the only pictures on it were from that night. Oh well.