art reflects life

"Good-bye," he said to the flower.
     But she did not answer him.
     "Good-bye," he repeated.
     The flower coughed. But not because she had a cold.
     "I've been silly," she told him at last. "I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy."
     He was surprised there were no reproaches. He stood there, quite bewildered, holding the glass bell in midair. He failed to understand this calm sweetness.
     "Of course I love you," the flower told him. "It was my fault you never knew. It doesn't matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy... Put that glass thing down. I don't want it anymore."
     "But the wind..."
     "My cold isn't that bad... The night air will do me good. I'm a flower."
     "But the animals..."
     "I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies. Apparently they're very beautiful. Otherwise who will visit me? You'll be far away. As for the big animals, I'm not afraid of them. I have my own claws." And she naively showed her four thorns. Then she added, "Don't hang around like this; it's irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go."
     For she didn't want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower....

So this is Christmas

Not a lot to say these days. I spend most of my time at home, so I have no idea what the word is around town. Because of that, all I've got are some random things...

This is the first Christmas I have not been in Cincinnati. And it sucks a lot. It's really gotten me down, even knowing that once I got there the family would all drive me nuts. But I've never missed a Christmas Eve at my grandma's, and I haven't missed a Christmas Day at old friends the Stocks' residence since 1989. It's not like I do (or even have ever done) any of the religious stuff that goes along with Christmas, or even still get any presents, but sitting at the house alone is a bit of a let down. It's just always been a get-together holiday to hang out and drink cocktails/wine and eat food and hear stories about everyone old and new. And since everyone is in Ohio, it's also been to catch up. I do wish I had at least gotten a little tree. I love to turn off all the lights and only have the tree lit up. It's such a warm glow... causes a warm glow inside too.

Tonight I will be going to the top deck of the College Ave parking deck. At midnight. To absorb the quiet and see how pretty Athens can be when it's peaceful. I just hope they haven't decided to lock the stairwell doors. Not sure where I'll end up if I can't get up there, probably just find somewhere else to sit for a bit. Join me if you'd like. All are invited. I was going to go it alone, but then thought it might be nice to get all the other loners still in town together and make our own family gathering. And without my own tree, the twinkling lights on Clayton Street's trees will have to do.

Today I sat outside of the Cobb House on Pope Street and read for a while. Some random neighborhood cat was hanging around, an orange tabby whose tag says his name is 'PJ'. I'm just chilling there outside, reading away and PJ comes right up and curls up in my lap. I really am the crazy cat lady. I can go somewhere else, not at home, or anyone's home, sit outside, and still end up with a cat in my lap. Then on the way home, I had to call in a report to the police because the fire alarm at the Leathers Building on Pulaski was going off, strobe lights and all, but no one was around. And there was no fire. Hopefully everything there was fine.

It appears that the 666 House is no more. As of last weekend, the house is vacant, and now it's all boarded up.
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I was going to do a whole post sharing some of the more entertaining messages I've gotten from random MySpacers, but I found that I deleted most of them. But I have a few still, that just make me laugh. Mostly because my profile says I'm "Here For: Friends" and also because I just can't imagine sending someone I don't know messages like these...

 ----u r a doll baby please hit me back up
              From 'Joshua', March 18 2005

----hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh
           From  'Joshua', Dec 21 2006.

Yes. The SAME Joshua. A year and a half apart. I'm not saying that it's not cool to have people think you're attractive, it's just the delivery is not really my style. And I wonder what he found interesting in my profile other than my photo because by looking at his profile I see we have absolutely nothing in common. Interests are any kind of racing and football. He likes any kind of music except hard rock and classical. For books, it says "I hate reading", and his hero is Dale Earnhardt. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but what would we chat about?

----Hello there. I came across you profile and was very impressed. I would love to chat with you and get to know you better. It is funny cause I am actually in Atl right now for a bodybuilding show this weekend. I was hoping to meet someone that could show us (my friend and I) around. I understand there is alot to do in ATL and I guess we are trying to find out...lol I dont want to make this sound forward or anything but I would really love to give you my cell number and if meetiing new people is something that interests you then please give me a call. I am here until monday morning.. I would love to hear from you.

Eric 703-489-xxxx

www.ericbsimpson.com
    From 'Eric' Nov 18 2005

This one's not too bad (at least he uses the word 'you'), but then I thought about it, and first of all I'm not in Atlanta so it hardly applies to me, but also it sounds sort of like he's looking for an escort. I'm not one. Upon looking at his profile (full of photos of him flexing in a speedo) he also does seem to be a nice enough guy and probably harmless. And efficient for providing a cell number. But regardless, what girl would in their right mind go gallavanting around Atlanta with two bodybuilders she doesn't know? That she met on MySpace? Bad Idea Jeans.

----You are gorgeous, wanna hang out at Allgood and do purple shots,sometime?
               From 'Shane' Dec 21 2006

   Only if they don't contain rufies... This guy is 35. Once again, probably a really nice guy, but once again no common interests at all. Under 'About Me" there is a short video clip of Lil' Jon saying 'hhhh What?'. No books. Likes racing and watching NASCAR and WWE wrestling. One hero is Ronald Reagan and one person he'd like to meet is G.W. Bush. Also, all of his top 16 friends are women. 

Those are the best ones I have left. I'm not worried about them reading this and getting offended because only people on my friends list can read my blogs, and they aren't on my list. But if you know them, don't be running off and telling them I shared their messages. I'm sure they are all fine upstanding gentlemen.

That is all for now. And for probably a while, unless something earth-shattering happens. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday. Cheers.

Giving Thanks.

Thanksgiving was two days ago. Or three, depending on how you log time. As far as I'm concerned, it's not tomorrow until you've gone to sleep. So since I haven't gone to bed yet from it being Saturday, that means that two days ago was Thursday. Thanksgiving.Two days ago.
    I'm left here wondering what in the hell I have to give thanks for.
    Yes, I'm aware that things could always be worse. Believe me, I'm a professional pessimist (realist? but with a pessimistic leaning). I know that things can always be worse than they currently are. I could be sitting here with one eye or a leg and a half. Or with a tumor (though I frequently think I may have a brain tumor, or at least an aneurism in the works) or severe schizophrenia. Or with leprosy and a cardboard box to live in. If I'm lucky.
   No, I'm that bad off. I have a roof that also comes equipped with heat (for a price) and all of my appendages, save the very tip of my right pinky. I have three cats that at least stick around (I'm sure the food has most to do with it). I have enough of a grip on my mental being that I'm not going to jump off of a bridge or climb the nearest bell tower with a shotgun. I have some family floating around this country. And I have the potential to fix everything else that isn't what it should or could be.
   Yet, as the pessimist that I am, I am left here wondering what else I have outside of the basic things that everyone else I know has as well. What I may have that I can truely be thankful for. And I can't find much. I'm not looking for any sort of pity-party, nor am I looking for any advice or anything from this. I'm not looking for attention. If anything, I'm trying to avoid it (one of the only reasons I'm not making this a 'private' blog is because a few people actually bitched at me the last time I did that.. though it does surprise me that people want to read my blatherings. You wanna know the shit in my head? Well, then here). And that is what has made me what I am now. A negative, unhappy person that no one can take for more than a little while. I wear people down. I drain their spirits. And I don't mean to. This is just the way I've been since I can remember existing.
   Yeah. Thanksgiving. I'm not really much for holidays, and have never been gung-ho about any of them except for maybe Halloween. Because a holiday that is all about dressing stupid and ending up a with bag of candy, yeah, I'm all about it. I LOVE candy. Give it to me, baby. But the rest of them... meh. Whatever. I'm not religious, so Christmas and Easter are simply symbolic holidays. And I'm not super-patriotic. I like fireworks, but that's mostly because I also have a bit of the pyromaniac streak in me, and settting things on fire is always fun.
   Even though I really could give a rat's ass about something like Thanksgiving, there is something to be said about the fact that this holiday centers around being with those you care about most and those who also care about you (and of course stuffing your faces like the gluttonous creatures that human beings are...). You never notice exactly how alone you really are until a day like this. When you spend the day doing nothing, and no one else even notices. No calls from family, 'friends', nothing. Sure, I got an obligatory invitation to go with my mother and her family to visit my grandmother in North Carolina (who it seems also forgot my birthday), but this invitation wasn't made until it was clearly too late for me to get off work to make the trip. This has happened with my mother at least 5 times, and no matter how many times I remind her that yes, my job may not be glamourous but still requires two-weeks notice for time off, she never remembers. She's not stupid. She just doesn't care enough to think about it ahead of time. And this is an ongoing theme in my life.
  
       So here's what's on my mind this Thanksgiving... I have a job that has no respect or loyalty to me, a job that doesn't care about me at all though I've given them 5 years of my life with only the request that I have Tuesday off (which never happens). This was a job I used to love that has sucked the vitality from my soul. Every week when I go in I feel more disposable and unwanted and unneeded.
     I have a family that forgets that I am part of them. I see them once a year. And when they do see me they do nothing but criticize me; everything from  my hair to my nose ring to my job... they think lowly of me. I also don't know them well anymore, because there's been a great distance between me and the rest of them for years. None of them have attempted to close that canyon. The maternal half of my family has simply moved on. My mother is remarried and has two teenaged sons with my stepfather. They own a house (that I never lived in) and go on vacations (that I'm not a part of). She just has her little family unit now, and it's just unfortunate that I came about before everyone finally got their shit together.
   I started this year with four people I was close to. Four people who I allowed into my life for real. Two of them were closer to me than the other two... The only reason two weren't as close as the others was because of situational circumstances- one seems to always be at home with her boyfriend, the other moved from Athens. Of the two that were closest, one was a friend for shorter of an amount of time than the other three, but who really needed a friend at the time I entered her life. I didn't judge her based on the crap people were saying, and soon found it all to be untrue. We had much in common, and she made me feel at ease and gave me someone to talk to about anything. Then she disappeared. The other was a friend for more than a year and a half, who then crossed that line of friendship to become 'more than friends'. At his urging (and against my better judgement) I decided to give that a shot. And it bit me in the ass eight months later when he turned his back on me as well. He failed to inform me that he never wanted anything more than a very casual situation. He was not looking for any sort of relationship or anything that could ever be more than temporary or extremely flexible. So of the four people who meant the most to me in January, by August two of them had broken my heart. And they both had moved on like I never existed. Losing the stronger half of your support center is never good, especially when you've already got self-esteem as flaky as a chunk of mica.
    All of these things sullied my year. And shoved me into a deeper depression than I've been in a while. I had my share of hopeless days. But...
   So yeah. After thinking on all of this, I just am thankful that I still have at least some sort of drive to keep trying. I'm thankful that I haven't completely given up when it seems that everything else has given up on me. I'm thankful for the knowledge that there really are some decent people out there who do (and will) love me. And all I can do now is work to pull myself up to where I want to be. It can and will happen. I just need a bit of a fresh perspective and a change of pace or scenery. I may also need to cut extraneous communication with a particular person for a while so I can heal and move on (since on that front I've done all I can do, and nothing has changed... time to give up), not forever, just time enough to mend my heart and be able to want nothing more than a friend from them. If anything, this year is nearing it's end, and a fresh start can happen with the new year, if I don't get a jump on it. Things will be good. I will make them that way.

He doesn't want her but

she just won't let him go.



I wish I could say it was completely the other way around. Change the she to he and him to her... I suppose that one could be a little bit true, too, but mostly not. Or so it seems to me. I've gotten myself into this.

Ideally, I'd just drop the second half of that phrase (in the mood space if you didn't figure it out) and drop that nasty negative contraction from doesn't. And lose the but. With these sorts of matters, buts are never good. Or best yet, I'd drop that n't and keep the second half of the phrase because that is essentially what every person on earth wants. To be wanted by the person they want; to be loved in return, and they never want to let them go... for me 'tis not to be.  

I tried to hold onto it. Even when it had already recoiled in bitterness and stubborness, moved out of reach. I made a desperate lunge at it, grabbed it again, but just by the edge. I did this by baring my heart, exposing emotions I'd worked so hard to keep under lock and key, confessing that I did in fact want and need someone other than myself, and ultimately looking foolish. I did this even after being told I was wasting my time. But I grabbed that edge- maybe just the corner- of it again afterwards when I was no longer written off.

Almost six weeks ago.

Since then I've just held onto my hopes. I have refused to give up on them. Which is odd for me because I'm usually ready to cut and run at any given moment. But not this time. Because I really wanted it. 
And I still really do. I don't want to give up on it. How I felt then is how I feel now... that hasn't changed at all.

Except now my hopes are fading fast. When your hope for someone/thing starts to diminish, yet your love for that same someone/thing does not... it's just no good. My heart was bruised before, but now it's finally breaking.

Yeah. All those hopes of mine are fading, and with no encouragement to keep holding onto them, well, maybe it's just time to let them go.

When Drunks Attack...

What the fuck is wrong with people? Last night a coworker of mine was at Allgood for happy hour. Next to her at the bar was some guy no one knew, and he was wasted. At some point he dropped a dollar, and my friend leaned over and picked it up, handing it back to him saying "Hey, you dropped this". Dude had just gotten a new beer, so I guess he dropped it in the transaction. Anyway, she tries to give it back to the guy, but he just stares at her for a second, then picks up his new beer by the bottleneck and whacks her in the face with it. Luckily the bottle didn't break, but still did some damage. She has a broken nose (broken in two places) and had to get stitches. Fucktard tried to leave, but didn't make it far, and was arrested. He apparently told the cops that not only was he drunk, but also on meth. Great. I will say, this guy better be careful once he's out of jail. LOTS of people know this girl, and aren't too happy about an attack on one of their own. Especially an unprovoked attack. One good thing about this town is that there is always someone that has your back. Don't fuck with The Family. 

don't bother

You all want to know why I've been so unhappy?? First off, let me tell you, I've never, never, EVER been a happy person. I was born a negative, pessimistic, bitter, sad person. And I've been that way ever since. Because nothing great has ever happened to me to snap me out of it, to give me hope, to make me believe that I am supposed to be here or that I'm wanted or that I do any one person a damn bit of good. I exist. That's all. And that's been my whole life. Anyway...

I've been so unhappy these past few months because I fell in love with someone who didn't want anyone to love them. Someone who doesn't, and probably will never (or at least will never admit it) return the sentiment. I have never really loved anyone before, not with this sort of intensity, and it's even very unexplained because it's not like this person was all that nice to me all the time. As a matter of fact, he had a good habit of playing quite the asshole whenever he felt like it, and he made me very sad on many occassions. I suppose that's one way I figured out that I loved him; he made me cry more than anyone else ever has. Yet, I can't help but to want nothing more than to be with him. What the hell is wrong with me?

He has his virtues. That's for sure. And for a while I felt like I had pretty much the only view of them. I could forgive the assholery because he also could be very nice. And also because I tend to let people get away with a lot of shit. And in his case, I was also aware that he had some issues of his own, mainly involving trusting others (which I have as well) and being able to show emotion (ditto). I know he was burned in the past. But he also refused to acknowledge that he is getting older, and that things aren't what they used to be, and he's not the same person, and I'm not connected to those who burned him, and that yes, eventually he'll have to decide between settling for someone/thing, or settling for nothing...But I feel like I tried. And maybe he did too, but it didn't seem like it to me. I can be pretty blind, but once again, I stuck around through lots of bullshit.

But then he blew me off for good. And by blew me off, I mean he completely quit talking to me out of nowhere. And this essentially broke my heart. A few weeks later, when I was trying to get him to at least talk to me (I told him I wanted to fix things), he first said "there's nothing to fix" which was like getting punched because to me there certainly was something to fix... I mean, 8 months of whatever we were doing... regardless of whether or not we were 'together', we were friends for 2 years previous, and if anything I would have thought that that was worth something. And that the 8 months of 'more than friends' would have made it worth at least a little more. Then he says he was hurt because I never told him (in person, in words, because emails and texts and things like that don't count, apparently) how I felt about him. I'm a little put off by this, because yes I realize that that is true, but at the same time the fact that I stuck around that long through being treated like I was completely disposable should have showed something... Plus it's not like he ever completely was clear with me either. He is a master at being horribly vague with everything.

Fast forward a month. I can't take it any longer. I've lost lost of weight, been horribly depressed, etc. So I confront him one night, and confess my feelings in a tearful outburst. I make a fool of myself. I even wrote a letter saying everything I said out loud in the event that I pussed out and couldn't do it. Just so that it would be clear to him. So he would know. He at first tells me I'm wasting my time. I just wanted to know why I wasn't worth a second chance. Then when I drop it all, he says he needs some time to process what I've said.

That was over a month ago. Since then, little has changed, except that we speak on a regular basis and he's for the most part civil to me. But he's never gotten back to me from 'processing' what I told him, and he hasn't acted like he wants anything to change. He did say that right now he just wasn't sure if he was in a place personally to be involved with someone else, but he was also very vague about how things could change in the future. I just needed to know if I was completely written off, so that I could move on if needed. He said he hadn't written me off... but... blah, blah, someday, whatever.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I am still in love with someone who won't let himself love me. I want someone who doesn't want anyone, and never will want anyone. Or at least not me. But he keeps me hoping, which is almost worse. Because it keeps me from getting on with my life and finding someone else I could love. The only thing that would make me happy right now is completely unreachable. Unattainable. Untouchable. I'm not good enough. He said that too... (he said no one will ever be good enough).

The only option I have left to try to get over this is to cut off all extra contact. As much as possible at least. I work with him, so I'd see him there, and around as well. And I love him, so it's not like I'd be cutting him off because I hate him or something, and I would be glad to see him from time to time. But the notes, the texts, that stuff... that will have to stop for a while. It will be so hard for me. I'd be cutting him off so that I can get over him, so that I can let the love I have diminish into a platonic love once again. Because until that happens, I will be unhappy. I will be lonely. I won't let anyone else close to me. This is my last option, because confessing my feelings didn't change anything. And it doesn't look like it ever will.

I'm sorry. I just can't feel like this anymore. I can't have false hope. I want you, but you don't want me. Or you do, but won't let yourself. Or you don't, but... I just don't know. And that is probably the worst feeling I've ever felt in the world, only because I've never let myself feel so much for one person in my life. I let my guard down, and see where it got me. It's going to take a long recovery for me to try again.

Nine to five, living lies

Everyone's taking everything they can, everything they can.
Everyone's taking everything they can, everything they can.
Do you believe what you feel? It doesn't seem to be anybody else agrees with me.
Do you you believe what you see? Emotion is sweet, nothing is real. Wasting my time in the waiting line. Do you believe in what you see?


Been a few weeks. Not that it's that imperative that I write on this thing. I don't write things that make people think, things that discuss the hot-button issues or political hogwash; I don't write for you, I write for me. Which is why it's usually a downer. Because I have a tendency to write only when I'm unhappy. Hey, most people I know think I'm horribly negative, which is a testament to me being a pessimist. Though I like to think of it as me being a realist. But don't worry, I'm not about to go jump off any bridge or anything like that. I may eat a bunch of ice cream, or drink a lot of beer, but that's as self-destructive as I get... And I wasn't unhappy before, but I am now because I had this shit all done, and then MySpace decided to be a little bitch and not save it. So all my uh, 'work' was lost. I'm going to try to recreate it as best as my impaired brain will allow.

Yes, this is a chemically-induced post (multiple glasses of merlot and a recently-found-but-few-years-old valium), rather than a sadness-induced post so keep in mind it will just be a bunch of random shit. Stuff won't go together. Stuff in life rarely goes together, so it'll be just like a normal day or conversation then, huh? Either way, deal. Or don't read it. It won't hurt my feelings if you take off now, for real. Anyway, on with the blabbering...
 
Dear Schwinn: I'm sorry that I damaged you. I guess I just don't know my own strength when I'm drunk. I never meant to hurt you, and I really miss you now as it takes me a lot longer to get to places. Though I have ridden you briefly since then, it's very scary. I would completely understand if you threw me to the pavement in retribution for my shitty treatment towards you. But please don't. I may be able to have you healed, and if not, you will be allowed to retire.
 
Tonight when I decided to briefly ride my crippled bike (to the liquor store of all places), I saw a large bird fly from the ground to a tree in my neighbor's yard. I stopped because I wanted to see what it was. This is what it was:

Isn't he beautiful? I got so excited because I haven't seen a owl in person in ages. This would be the highlight of my day, really.

Another highlight is that my Halloween costume is almost complete. Only a few things left, which require hearing back from others, so I feel good about it. Either way, it'll be funny.

Sigh. Someday, someday. These are words I hear/see a lot lately. What I can't figure out is if this is a promise of things to come in the future, or a Band-Aid of sorts for my heart. I had a dream last night where we were having so much fun together, and then you suddenly kissed me and told me you loved me. I was so happy when I woke up, until I realized it was just a dream and not real in the least.

Oliver is growing nicely. I wish he were as affectionate as Joe or Saide, but he's very well behaved (other than the usual kitten hyjinks). Oli's also taken a severe liking to Joe, who would rather just be left alone. Luckily, Joe is also very tolerant. I woke up this morning to find Joe cuddled up with me, and Oli cuddled up with Joe. Joe actually had his front leg/paw around Oli. It was so cute I almost puked.

My new haircolor (fishbowl) is awesome, but fading much faster than I'd like.

Dear Dictatortots: Please let us know when you decide not to have practice. I had to haul ass to get home from a shopping trip in order to get there on time. But, we showed up to find the practice space devoid of other band members, and also devoid of most of the quipment that's usually in there. I do hope this was caused by you taking it to the Roadhouse shows, and not by some thug attempting to finance his meth habit.

You. Cold. Yeah, you. You can fuck right off. I want my summer back. Hey Cold, Iceland called. It misses you. Iceland says that they've taken Bjork and her swan dress hostage, and if you don't return to Iceland in the next three days, Iceland's gonna feed the swan to the fishes. And Bjork too.

Everyone who is available need to go to trivia on Monday. I won't be playing, but I'll be there. I'm taking over the scorekeeping duties for this week since Kevin will be out of town. And DRESS UP! It's the night before Halloween, which in this town means that it's just Halloween week, where you dress up every day...

Huh, ok, there was a lot more, but since it all got flushed down the inter-toilet, this is all I can come up with now. If more strikes my brain later, I'll addendum it. Until then, kiddies...


EDIT: Here it is, over a week later, and I look and see that this was posted twice. I mean, I know I have a tendency to be redundant, but come on... I deleted the extra, so I lost your comment, Laura. Thanks though!

The moon undoes it all

I've been playing a kind of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde game for a couple months now. When I'm out, I fake it. Once home, the effort of maintaining the facade leaves me exhausted, and everything I was attempting to ignore comes at me with double the vengence. Even more so when I try to sleep. I think my pillow now contains enough salt to kill every slug in my neighborhood. That's a lot of slugs... I often see them because they break into my house.


   Today I had a moment where, as inconsequential as I am in this world, it seemed that someone had taken notice of my existence in a very small way. However, I was proven wrong. Turned out they thought I was someone else. And we were both embarrassed- he because of his mistake, and me because for once I thought I had made a small impression with merely my regular habits.
  
My life is a perpetual good-bye to objects and people, that often do not pay the least attention to my bitter, brief, insane salutation.
                           -Vladimir Nabokov
   

The other night I out-of-the-blue dropped a bit of a bomb. This was horribly difficult for me to do, which is why it took so long, but I couldn't think of anything else that could possibly work to convey what I'd failed at communicating in the past. It was the only hope I had; I suppose a last-ditch effort of sorts. I managed to make a blubbering fool of myself, though I'm only slightly embarrassed about that. Because it was important. Maybe one of the most important things I've ever done. I just hope that it being a little late doesn't make it all in vain.
 

Tomorrow: Georgia vs. Tennessee aka Service Industry Hell.

it's october

Autumn has arrived. It's chilly enough at night that I had to start closing my windows so I wouldn't wake up freezing at 4am. Even though there are three of them, my cats are not an acceptable substitute for the comforting warmth of another human being. Unfortunately, I have no applicants for that position. And even if I did, there isn't anyone (else) I'd want there. That's the thing with fall; the nights are cold, but it's beautiful during the day, with perfect temperatures and breezes and often sunshine. Today is no exception. Why am I inside then? I won't be for much longer... downtown beckons, with it's people-watching and coffee and book-reading and food and and and. I want to transport myself back in time about 3 months so I can do things right. Though it didn't seem like it, I really was happier then.

The Name Game

Barring any sort of name vs. personality epiphany in the next couple of days, I think I have settled on a name for the new cat... Oliver. I don't know why it fits, but it fits him better than Gus, which was the first name I though of.... And it's at least slightly better than Sarah. Also, I think I may be having repressed memories of some Disney movie called 'Oliver' that was released in the late 80's/early 90's (which was an animated remake of the musical of the same name but with animals) influencing me.

The New Addition

So yes, I am a sucker. And I will become the Crazy Cat Lady. Because this is undoubtedly my fate, I may as well go ahead and get a head start on things, right? Let me introduce you to Cat Number Three.

He's a cutie, huh? I call him Cat Number Three for now, because he doesn't yet have a name. Well, actually, I take that back. He has a name that the previous owners gave him. But they named him before they knew if he was male or female, so the poor dude's been called Sarah for the past four months. This will not do. Now that he's ball-less, he doesn't need the added embarrassment of a girl's name. I've got a few bouncing around in my brain, but I need to get a feel for his personality. It will be a 'people' name, too, just like my other two. Any suggestions?

Erin's world.

Today it rained for 15 minutes. Starting 1 minute after I left the Grill to head home on my bike, and ending 4 minutes after I walked into my house soaking wet. So what else is new?

I Heart America.

Because there are people who make things like this little gem. Click on 'Watch Video'. And be sure to have your speakers on. I found this somewhere last year, but forgot about it until this past Monday. If you were ever needing a severe boost in your personal level of patriotism, I can't think of anything else that would work as well as this video. It'll make you want to go buy every American flag you can find. But you won't find any, because I've already bought them all. So there.

With my mind on my money

A boring Sunday hanging out at home. I'm about to go participate in one of the most exciting activities in the world- Rolling coin!! I know I could be a lazy bum and just take it to the Coin Star thing, but fuck that. I'm not giving them 8.5% of my jingling earnings just to count it for me. That is what mindless movies are for- to pass the time while sorting and counting and rolling the monies. I will say, the thing I hate most about doing the change thing is that awful metal smell that soaks into your hands. Not to mention the fact that I will have also just handled probably every form of bacteria known to man, and more fecal matter than I care to think about. I suppose it's a good way to boost the old immune system... who needs vaccines when you can just roll some change and then lick your fingers?




Ok. That last statement really grossed me out.  

Head like a hole

Today was uneventful... I did some laundry, changed my sheets, and cleaned the cat litter. I also changed out all the songs on my little iPod shuffle thingy. After a few tries... my computer likes to lose drivers for things recently, so the software for the iPod had to be reinstalled.

Oh, I also practiced the trumpet. It's not a good sound, but I know all the fingerings now, and have a basic idea of some of the parts I need to learn. My range is crap. My tone resembles a moose dying, or perhaps in the throes of passion... I have no idea what a moose in the throes of passion sounds like, but that comparison makes me feel much better about myself as an aspiring trumpet player than the dying one.

My mom gave me this decorative ceramic cat for Christmas, and the other night I glanced over at it and realized how fucking creepy its face is. Seriously, look at it:

It's a bit big, I know. I didn't feel like resizing it. But it only emphasizes how damn scary it is. Look at those eyebrows. If cats actually looked like this, there would be no cats in my house. This is coming from someone who is well on the way to Crazy Cat Lady status.

That's about it. I may walk downtown later and drop by LP for a beer, just because I want to get out of the house. Or maybe not. If I can motivate myself to move, sure.

(I want to try and work this out. How can I try if you won't talk to me? Why are you giving up on me?)

Can you hear me now?

My not-piece-of-shit phone has begun to act like one. So if you call me (though no one ever does, but I'm saying this, you know, just in case) I might not be able to hear a damn thing you say. Or if I call you, same thing... guess it's time to renew my contract and get a new phone. Looks like it will be one of them Razr ones (even though I know they are sort of crappy), since T-Mobile won't let me upgrade to the one that's closest to the model I have now. I'm gonna look so damn cool. But I REFUSE to get the pink one.

Invalid subject line...

I am overly-caffienated right now. I had a cacao at ERC, instead of my usual iced-decaf-whatever. I'm not really digging this jittery feeling.

It looks like I was even less important than I thought, as I am not even worth a reply. Let alone an acknowledgment. Or just simple civility. Amazing how people just throw others away. Amazing how they just don't give a damn.

Depression's a bitch. But it's a great weight-loss program.

I have a couple things in the works. One involves the use of a trumpet. And if those don't pan out, I have a couple other things in the back of my mind. One of which would involve the permission of the landlord for me to get me some subleasers. 

There was a fantastically large spider living just off my front porch, but the storms keep knocking his web down. I hope he sticks around... I could use some company. And bug-eating. Too bad he doesn't eat the slugs that get in my house....

Sigh.

Tonight: My friends Bo and Sarah are having their debut performance at Tasty World as Valentine Wolfe. They go on around 10 pm I think, so come support them!

Mama's Trippin'

- Chair I'm sitting in right now.
- Buttons on my computer's mouse.
- Lamp that used to sit on top of my TV stand.
- Left-side door on my closet.
- Floor lamp in my living room.

This is a sampling of things I have that are broken. I am still using all of these, too. I've tried to fix them all, but have failed. Pretty symbolic.

I think I may have figured out a career direction to take that I would find satisfying. It involves more school, but whatever. The new question is in what location this will occur.

In a couple of weeks I will have a new buddy. Because I am a sucker.

I knew it all along.

The blow-offs/silence of the last two days tell me what it is you want. And tell me what I have to do. Because you won't do it yourself. You won't even acknowledge it. Though you want to, and have wanted to, yet have refused to do so for the past couple months (if not even sooner). Because, to use an old cliche again, you want to have your cake and to eat it too.

Also, I learned some things from a very reliable source tonight. Things I sort of already knew, but didn't want to believe. Things that had plenty of hints; the most obvious being the fact that I kept being told that I was "my own person" and could "do what (you) want(ed) to do", among others... I am better than that. You are not, from what I was told. I worry about hurting people. Apparently you do not. You can't have it all forever. Eventually you will have to choose. And the next person won't give you as long as I have. Because they'll be smart enough to get out before it hurts them too much, or they get too involved. Unlike me.

Once again, I've been too nice. I've given too many chances. They're aren't lying when they say the nice guy finishes last.

Emotion vs. Logic- The Fight Of The Century!

I think I know what I need to do. Or rather, I think I know what I should do. Maybe. Or not. Ok, I don't really know. I know what others think I should do, and sometimes I agree with them. Then again, sometimes I don't.  I can't tell what the hell is going on.

I've distanced myself so much over the last month. Mostly on purpose, so that I wouldn't be as easily bothered or upset about things. So that I wouldn't be hurt anymore by stuff that (supposedly) really has nothing to do with me. I was tired of feeling like I was the only one that cared. I was tired of crying and then feeling stupid and hating myself (since I was attempting to pep-talk my brain into thinking that this wasn't worth that amount of emotion) for doing so. Which only would make me cry more, ironically. I was also tired of feeling like everything had gotten off-balance, with all the weight being on my side (just like I said months ago I was worried would happen). I thought that maybe a little break and some distance would help, like a refresher. Or at least get things on an even keel. But with distance, my overall feelings have started to change.

The trust I had built has dwindled severely, and the sense of a common bond that, though stretched a lot never would break, has started to fade. The walls have been reconstructed. Regardless of what has been said over and over, actions still do speak louder than words, and words aren't working anymore. In the past it was fine, because I could feel it. Lately, I don't.

The dilemma is this: what should happen and what is probably for the best is not always what is wanted. This applies here because when I think of the 'should' part, it doesn't line up with my 'want' part. Because thinking of the 'should' part actually makes me sick to my stomach; makes me want to crawl into a hole and either drink or cry, or maybe both. This is also how I know that my distancing technique didn't work. It may have changed my feelings, but it didn't diminish them.

So, yeah, I don't know. All I do know is that things can't stay like this for much longer. Something has to happen. Soon. This purgatory is eating me from the inside out, more than I would like to admit. I know what I would like to happen, but based on previous observation/information it doesn't look like a feasible possibility. It seems that there's a good chance that this is all a lost cause (in the long run anyway). But I still am not sure.

For now I will just keep thinking. Trying to figure it out. And trying to ignore that sick-in-the-gut feeling brought on by conflicting emotions.

I wrote the words and the music wrong

I feel like I weigh a million tons.

No socks + lots of walking + slightly too loose cheap shoes = bad news.

Where's my beer?

And then there was one.

All I have tried to do for the past few years is to be a good person. By 'good person' I don't mean the Christian-influenced, super-law-abiding, or ass-kissing type, I just mean an honest, true person who is willing to give everyone a chance. If someone is good to me, I'll be good to them. That sort of thing. But it seems now that this has gotten me in a bind- I've given too many chances, I've simply been too nice. And I have gotten nothing out of it, except heartbreak. I've lost again.


   I have answered my phone to someone needing to talk at 3am when I had to be at work at 8am. I have dropped what I was doing to be with someone who called me to say that they just didn't want to be alone. I have sat and listened to someone go on and on about things they couldn't change and things they shouldn't even want to change, and tried to encourage them the best I can through the situation, without mentioning the things that I could have really used some help with. I have stopped someone from smashing someone else over the head with a pool cue due to drunken emotion/pride/leftover anger that wasn't worth it. I have let people cry on my shoulder and get snot all over me and not said a word about it. I have passed up the opportunity for personal pleasure/possible date in order to make sure an overly intoxicated aquaintence got home safely. I have become close to such an aquaintence when they felt they had no one else to go to. I have let people crash at my house so that they didn't drive home/walk alone drunk. I have sat and listened to people lament about having no one, while in my head deciding whether I should remind them that at that moment I am there with them or thank them for letting me know that to them I am 'no one'. I have declined rides home to walk with others after bar closing hours, or at least arranged to do so (only to be left alone later on when they found another way home). I have allowed myself to be emotionally abused, screamed at for no reason, called horrible undeserved names, deserted, left behind from the crowd, lied to, made fun of, picked on, and exposed (in the case of the few people I've opened up to and shared private things with) and embarrassed in front of my group of 'friends'. And I've always forgiven those people and not thrown it back in their faces and just tried to make sure that they were O.K.
  
So where are all these people now? Gone, of course. Well, most of them are still here. But not really involved with me anymore. They got what they needed from me; a drinking buddy, a sorrows dumpster, a warm body to be around. And then when they got back on their feet, met some new friends, regained their confidence- they kicked me to the curb. I played the part of interim confidant. But I never seem to be good enough to keep around once things are better. Why am I only good enough to pick them up out of the wet gutters, but not to walk with them through the sunny gardens?

   What sucks most about this situation, this whole 'I'm-your-friend-when-I'm-in-need-but-not-after' situation is, who am I supposed to go to when I need a lift? Who is going to be there when I need to call someone at 3am? Or when I need someone to be sure I get home safely? Or when I simply can't stand to be alone anymore and just need someone to be there with me?
  
Once I've gotten done doing my good duty and raising up everyone else, I find that I am standing in the sinkhole alone. And there isn't anyone around to throw me the rope and pull me out.

   I just don't know what to do anymore.

Explosive!

So I'm guessing that with Sadie in her current condition, it would be a bad idea for me to feed her this:

Same old, same old

Six weeks ago, I was seriously ready to just pack up everything and get the hell out of here. Sadly enough, I really can't lie and say that that sentiment has gone away. Because it hasn't. Nothing much has changed, other than the fact that I renewed my lease and therefore am under contract here in Athens until the end of next June. I suppose that should I feel the need to bail I could try to find a subleaser(s), but that is just so unreliable as far as a time frame goes that it doesn't seem worth the trouble.Time frame meaning the time required to quit a job the proper way, and plan getting all my shit from Point A to Point B, including cats, etc. without owning a car and not really knowing how to drive one, and the whole big thing of having a specific Point B to go to. I could have done it six weeks ago, had I had the balls to just do it, but I don't because I really am just a big wuss. Another thing that keeps me here is that though I am a pessimist and always am thinking that this is as good as it can possibly get (and that's never that good, really, in my mind at least, because logically I do know that things could be WAY worse; I'm not completely clueless...), I also have this strange optimist bug in my brain that keeps wanting to believe that next week everything will be awesome. "Yeah, you should get the hell out, just leave. It doesn't matter anyway... but then again, next week may be great. You never know until you get there, wait and see..." So it's like I set myself up for continual disappointment. Which over time just worsens the situation. I stay here because I am too chicken shit to do otherwise. And I stay here because I keep wanting to believe that this town will deliver what I hope it can. And I stay here because I also know that what is getting to me here isn't city-specific... it'll follow me. And so it's me choosing from the lesser of two evils. What is better? Staying here, in a place where I have nothing, a place where everything is temporary and nothing is stable or reliable, a place where it seems I can go nowhere else but down, but at least I am familiar with it?? Or to be somewhere (go somewhere) where I have nothing, no stability or reliability, etc..., but where I also know no one and have no familiarity or 'home base' at all? Is it worth the risk at all, knowing that nothing will really be different other than my actual address? Because it's all the same really... at least here I know which bus to take to get to the grocery store.
 
I wish I had come with an Owners Manual...

  In other news, my landlord rented Ye Olde RotoRooter thing-a-ma-bob and came and snaked out my main drain (har har... doesn't that sound dirty??). So now I can do dishes and take a shower and do a full load of laundry without the water making my toilet bubble and backing up into my bathtub. That was gross... Oh! And I can flush my toilet more than once a day without it backing up into my bathtub. That was grosser. Yay-hoo!
 
Today I took The Bus to Earth Fare for the hell of it. I was off of work and wanted out of the house, and decided to go buy some organic steak. Not that I can really afford organic steak, but a craving set in and that was it... off we go. After buying my junk and leaving the store (equipped with a Flagpole for the bus wait/ride... I attract 'colorful, eccentric' characters; i.e. crazy people who want to chat with me/old men who try to ask me out and give me their numbers and stalk me at work, so I have to be prepared to not make eye contact with anyone just in case) I go and sit at the stop and wait, as I had about 10 minutes to kill. Of course some crazy older lady shows up to wait as well, and she starts waving her UGA ID around and talking to herself (like conversations...) and then singing at the top of her lungs... She started hovering a little too close to me, like she wanted to get my attention to chat, but since she was also singing out loud at the time, I just kept my head buried in the Flagpole. It makes me laugh a little, simply because other than the bums downtown, who don't count since I so often ignore them anymore, I rarely see people like this unless I am either on The Bus or at the DMV (or sometimes WalMart). Though the DMV wins hands down as far as being the Ultimate Human Wasteland and/or the Point of Entry to Society for anyone who is able to be described as "Crawling Out Of The Woodwork". Yes. I am going to Hell.
  
There was something else I was going to write, something that was one of the reasons I wrote anything to begin with, but for now it has escaped me. Probably because I need to just go to sleep. It's late. I'm tired. I wanted to sleep with my windows open, but the 'fresh air' tonight feels more like wet paper towels draped over my face. Refreshing! So I sucked it up and just turned down the A/C to a comfortable temperature. Huh, ok. It's not coming back to me, so I will just give up and end it here. I know, it's sad, whatever will you do??

lazy Sunday.

Really. That's what I've been all day. Though I have actually gotten a few things done, I've done them all in what I wear to sleep. *ahem*   That means no outside for me yet, without risking an indecent exposure citation. This is what you can do without even brushing your hair or teeth, let alone putting on clothes...

-A load of laundry. Just one. My drain can't handle any more, because it's blocked and making my toilet bubble and backing up into my tub and needs to be snaked out. Fun.

-Bills/Rent paid. At least all this bills I have received so far. But currently, I'm settled up. And that's cool. Cause late fees are a bitch.

-Financial finagling. This involved 3 seperate credit cards. Yes, three. But they are not near maxed out or anything like that. I don't have near the amount of debt a lot of other people do, I just used them for some bigger purchases (new bed, new AWESOME mattress, plane tickets) over the past few years, and it's added up. Recently all three have raised my credit limits (not like I will use it), so I decided to transfer a majority of the balance of one card with a high interest rate to another with a significantly smaller interest rate. That means the balance left on the high rate card will be gone in about 3 months, and then I can cancel it. Or finagle The Credit Card Company into the lowering the rate. We'll see. It's nice to know I have that level of credit should there be an emergency. Either way this took lots of visiting of websites. I am also considering transferring my savings from my crappy free savings account with it's crappy .0072nterest rate (or something like that) to something with a better rate. I figured on one calculator that in a one-year CD with a good rate my current balance could make $60 in six months. Better than my current $5 in six months.

-Selling shit on eBay. I love eBay. You can find anything you want there, and a lot of stuff you don't want. And things you didn't know you wanted, but just couldn't resist when you saw it. This is why I now own an unopened Milton-Bradley 100pc. Smurf puzzle. And a pair of brown leather like-new bowling shoes from 1972. But I did just sell a nice dress I bought on clearance from J.Crew's website a few years ago on eBay for $40. That's $20 more than I paid for it. I never wore the dress because it didn't fit me, and I forgot to send it back. And I have more stuff. So I just listed another dress that doesn't fit me. Maybe I'll resell that Smurf puzzle, too.

-I did eat lunch today too. Leftovers. But still food. And lunch is a rarity anymore for me.

I hope to do one more load of laundry, but I have to sit there and monitor the drain so it doesn't flood. I also would like to do dishes, but ditto on the drain situation. Tonight I think will find me at Transmet/Taco Stand for some Family Guy and Fred visiting.

You sank my battleship!

Rain. Overcast. Highly appropriate, for more reasons than one. Though today I am off of work and it would have been nice to be able to go sit in the sun somewhere. I could use some light right now. But instead it looks like a day inside, maybe getting some things done, but probably not. More than likely I'll just watch movies that I've been holding on to for way too long.

I slept for 13 hours last night. Went to sleep at 11pm, didn't get up until a little after noon today. And this was after a 2-hour nap yesterday evening. I was going to go to Transmet last night, have a beer or two, but I just didn't have the mental energy to be social. Sleeping is about all I have energy for right now.

I want to be happy with what I have, but when you're not sure what exactly you've got, it's hard to find somewhere to start. I look around and I don't see much; just a pile of dishes in the sink, a couple of unpaid bills, two cats that hang around because I feed them. There was a bigass bug on the floor this morning, but he's gone now, as I flushed him down the toilet... as I do everything else.

If I don't answer my phone it's not because I don't like you. I'm not giving up entirely, I don't think. It's just that I'm going to stay secluded within these walls (literal and figurative) for a bit and try to figure things out. My first instinct is to turn and run and hide, because I want to protect myself, but I know that this method doesn't ever actually accomplish anything at all. Unfortunately, that's what I always do anyway. I should quit allowing myself to get too close to people who don't want me that close, then I wouldn't be like this, but I never know until it's too late, and by then the damage has been done.

Can I roll the dice again? I'd like a do-over on life. A "Go Back 10 Spaces" card (or in my case 25 years) would be really cool. Why can't the rules of childhood games apply to life as well?

In case you didn't notice...

It was fucking hot as balls outside today. Just sitting and reading made me break a sweat. Absolutely disgusting. But now it appears that it may downpour, and that's grand. Because it doesn't quite feel like being smothered with a wet towel out there yet.

I am tired of people. In general. I think I'm going to quit interacting with them for a while. It seems that lately everone I know is concerned only with themselves and their own feelings. They don't understand that it's the very simple things that really hurt people. I also have been thinking a lot about the many people over the years who were my friends when it was convenient/beneficial for them, but now that they don't need me, they have disappeared. Or fallen into the 'aquaintance' category. There are a lot of them. Of course now I understand that they were never really 'friends' to begin with, considering the ease with which many of them departed my life.

One of my cats does NOT like the litter I am currently using. He has decided that the best place for him to go is in my bathroom. He shits in the tub, and pisses on the floor. It's very irritating, but would be a little less irritating if he would just swap the two and pee in the tub. At least then I wouldn't step in random puddles when I get up to use the bathroom at 4am. I think I would just faint if there was a one-week period where one of my cats didn't poop on the floor...

Ninety dollars at Kroger really doesn't get you very much when you're starting from nothing. My fridge still looks very sad and barren.

My hair is no longer the vibrant magenta-ish hue it was when the picture to the left was taken. In some spots it has faded to a slightly-orangey-sort of-carnation pink-kind of-purple color. Not so cute. But I keep running into people who I guess haven't seen me in over a month because they ask when I had it done... I didn't realize I'd been so M.I.A. I've also had people ask if I've been on vacation. Man, I wish!

I have a new ceiling fan in my bedroom. This one is much nicer than the old one, because this one doesn't shower me with sparks or flaming chunks of wiring when I flip on the wall switch. High class, baby.

I think I should jump ship. Bail out. Then there would be no more pressure. Nothing to worry about. Lonliness is much more tolerable when it doesn't involve others. I also think that what I said I was worried would happen (said some 4 months-or-so ago) has indeed happened. There is an imbalance. Therefore it's bound to topple.

Speaking of imbalances, that reminded me of that time I got thrown from a trampoline because my size just couldn't compete. I was 'double-jumped', I think is the term. I missed a tree trunk by about 6 inches and landed face first in a layer of dirt and pine needles. It was funny because there were only minor injuries. Now I am very distrustful of trampolines with more than one person on them. And see-saws. I had a similar incident with one of those when I was little, too. Damn laws of nature... and mean fat kids.

I got a nice little note from a woman at work today. Along with a pretty generous tip considering she only got two sodas. I love cheesy crap like this, though.... notes, drawings, etc. I take them and pin them up on my wall in the little spot between the front doorjamb and the wall, since it's too narrow to put anything else there. It's just a hodge-podge of that stuff. Haha, typing out that I do this, and reading it back just now, makes me feel like the biggest dork in the world. I'm sure I'm at least in the running for that title, though...

Maybe I will try to 'fix' my computer tonight. It's not broken, but I got a new DVD/CD burner drive since the current one has gone on the fritz. I've never opened a computer up before, so I hope I don't fuck it up. That would suck so much. Wish me luck on this one.

My new addiction- egg creams. A very tasty beverage made from things that don't seem to go together. There isn't egg in there, don't worry. But they do have an assload of sugar in them, so they aren't the healthiest thing in the world. But, of course, when have I ever been known to eat healthy. So, yeah, I say whatever to that. Bring it on.

Egads. This is long. So I will stop. Later, taters.






Later, taters?? Wow. That was lame.

I like pretzels

Yeah, so I'm blogging simply for the sake of blogging. I don't have anything important to say, I'm not possessing some history-altering piece of information, and I honestly don't care if you think I'm full of shit or not. I mean, mostly because I already know that everyone thinks I'm full of shit...


  I'm just bored. I have lots of time to kill this week. I don't work again until Monday, so not only do I have nothing to do, I also have no money, so I can't go do something else since everything costs (at least a little) money. You should entertain me. Or feed me, that'd be cool too.

  Currently I'm drinking a High Life and eating pretzel sticks. I was going to get PBR but Lee's was out of it. OUT OF PBR. Both cans and bottles. What sort of ridiculousness is that?? Though I was only getting PBR because I couldn't afford anything else at the time...

  My mom may come visit again soon, but this time she won't bring that friend of hers. Cool lady, but a bit unrefined for my tastes. Well, I mean more of the 'unrefined, and having to explain her actions to my friends' type of unrefined. Anyway, Mom might come hang out, but only if there isn't a memorial service for the 9-year-old son of a friend of hers. For those of you that watch the news, I'm talking about the little boy who got murdered in his apartment complex on Monday by a stranger. The boy made the mistake of telling a passing car in the parking lot that the car had a wobbly wheel, and someone in the car taught him a lesson by embedding a hatchet in his face. I will never understand the completely fucked up shit that some people do.

  Monday was mostly fun- Trivia was good, then I went and got my ass handed to me in a few games of darts. Then I hung out with Eric, and went to Matt's house to drink more beer and watch 'Futurama'. I say 'mostly fun' because everything was fun until we left Matt's house and I had to ride my bike back into town. That hill sucks. A lot. And I know there is an easier way to get back to my house from there, but Eric wouldn't be swayed from taking that hill. I'll just take the shortcut by myself next time.

  I can't think of anything else to say right now; rather, I can't think of anything that would be suitable to share with the general Internet population, so I'm going to sign off now. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer and the stickiness and sweatiness that goes along with it. I know that I am quite the sweaty girl. Not that you really wanted to know that...

tiny e, Over and Out.

impulsive decisions often come too late

As much as it seems that Athens is done with me, I think I might be just as done with Athens. Unfortunately, three weeks is not enough time to plan a proper escape.

Drained

Right now I am an exhausted ball of stress. And I have no idea why. I haven't slept a full night without waking up every hour or so in over three weeks, and it's starting to catch up with me. I hurt. My joints ache, my muscles are tense and sore, and my nerves are frayed. The slightest little thing can either set me off, or dump me into a mood of complete apathy. Walking is a chore. Riding my bike is even harder. I have started clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth while sleeping (again... this happened a few months ago for a bit, but subsided). I have lately caught myself doing this while awake too. It gives me headaches. I have no energy. I have no patience. I don't give a shit about anything, yet everything means too much. I have nothing to say. I am not hungry, and have been lucky to eat one full meal a day. This is starting to suck hardcore. What in the hell is wrong with me?

A quandary...

I really want some ice cream. I finished what I had last night though. And I am currently too lazy to ride my bike or walk my ass to the Panty to get some more. What's a girl to do?

I think I'll just have a beer instead.

Brain Spewage

Not a lot to say right now. Things are not bad, not good, just there. Work; meh. Social; meh. The Weather; meh. You Name It; meh. So this will probably be a bunch of random shit. Whatever pops into my brain will flow straight to my fingertips and onto this screen. Lucky you.

I need books to read! I keep buying them. Then I finish them way too fast. Give me books. Or just recommend one.

I have been eating nothing but garbage for 3 days. Not literal garbage, because I'm not a goat. Just unhealthy stuff. Like Wendy's. And when I say unheathy, you know it must be bad. Since I already eat like a 9-year-old anyway. At least I have not had more than one night this week where 'dinner' consisted of a handful of jellybeans washed down with a beer. That happened a couple weeks ago...

Some weirdo has been hanging out outside of ERC lately. Maybe for the past week. He's always wearing a red shirt, and often has a Starbucks (?!) cup, if he's got any sort of beverage at all. He sits there and talks to himself. And grins at nothing. And stares vacantly at passers-by. And I swear, he farts. A LOT. The other day, I do believe I heard him totally rip ass at a table outside. I mean, that is not a sound that you can really mistake for something else. And he immediately started grinning and laughing and then got up from the table and went inside. Today he was there again, at the first outside table. I was at the third. My friend Brett was at the middle table. I kept getting these odors wafted my way that were very fart-like. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Brett. It happened many times, and the whole time that guy just grinned away, at nothing. So not only is he creepy, he's stinky too. At least he can never sneak up on me.

That reminded me that my family (on my dad's side) calls a fart a "Boompsie". I'm not really sure of the actual spelling of this word, but this is a dead-on phonetic spelling. The word can be used as both noun and verb. As in "Oops, I did a Boompsie." or "Hey, gross! Did you Boompsie?" or "UGH!!! Dad Boompsied again!!" (usually followed by his response of  "I did not! That was the dog.").

I'm getting a haircut tomorrow! I love haircuts. It's the fastest and least committed physical change you can do (other than makeup). I'm also changing the color. The blue is so five-minutes-ago. I'm wavering between a few color choices, but wouldn't mind some suggestions. I'm also wavering on brightness, because I don't know that I have the balls to rock any super-bright (Iguana Green? It's pretty, but bold) colors. And I will not be doing my whole head, just chunks sort of like what I've had. Whaddya think?

I think I'm going to eat some ice cream soon. And read a book. Then I should go to bed since I have to be up early tomorrow for work (meh).

My mother is coming to town on Saturday. It'll the the first time I've seen her since early December, and hopefully she will be bringing some Christmas presents with her. It's quite common that I get whatever presents I may receive for Christmas sometime in May or June. There is also some going out planned for Saturday night. So if you wanna come out and have a drink and meet my mom (she's pretty cool, you wouldn't think she was a mom) let me know. I'm sure we'll be making the rounds downtown. She's bringing a neighbor friend of hers that I've never met, she says this woman's quite the partier. I hope I don't let them down, with my lately-homebody ways. I'm not the hanger-outer I once was.

I used to have a bad habit of coming home all trashed and trying to eat something before going to sleep. Only I was conviced that I could take whatever I was eating to bed with me and I would finish it before I fell asleep. And many times, this did not happen. I would wake up the next morning with a few Cheddar Cheese In Pretzel Combos scattered around me, or I would find half of a piece of bread and a small piece of cheese. (I guess the cats took care of the ham and other piece of bread...) Which is kind of gross, really. To wake up and find these things. And then have to think about where they may have come from. Well, the thing that broke this habit for me was the time I took a handful of candycorn (yes, Halloween candy, candycorn. But it was the kind with the brown bottom layer and not the yellow bottom layer) to bed with me. And of course didn't finish it. I woke up the next morning with a slight headache and what felt like a big bruise on one side of my head covering my scalp and ear. I put my hand up and felt this thing in my hair and completely freaked out. Ran into the bathroom to look at it... and realized what it was. It was the handful of candycorn that had come out of my then-asleep hand and found its way to my head. Where it melted into a big old brown gooey chunk, completely embedded in my hair, very similar to the way gum does this. It took 20 minutes to get it all out in the shower. Man, I'm awesome.

The fortune I got from my cookie at the T-Stand Monday night stated "Accept the next proposition you hear".

I'll end the brainal leakage here... if given time, I know I could come up with more, but there are other days to bore the pants off of you... ta-ta.

Sssszzzzz... hott.

So today work sucked. But not for any real reason. Just because it was nice outside and I was stuck there and there was no money to be made... But anyway. Just like the creature of habit I am (or maybe it's just that I'm horribly predictable, or flat-out boring... guess it depends on how you look at it) I left work heading for some coffee/cacao/whatever and either book reading or crossword attempting. I first stopped by Barnett's first to get my traditional Friday scratch-off lottery ticket. Which didn't win me anything, as usual. Oh, wait, I lie. Last week I won a free ticket, traded it in, and lost. But yeah, so on a whim, I also bought a bag of Hot Tamales (yes, bag... they don't come in boxes anymore, apparently. Must be trying to be 'cool', appeal to the younger, more 'hip' consumer. Or something). I love Hot Tamales. If you are ever trying to befriend me, impress me, get me to love you, or whatever it is that people are trying to do when they buy you shit, Hot Tamales are one of the things that will give you bonus points. (Take note...) Anyway, I take them down to ERC with me, drink my drink, and fail miserably at my crossword due to being very distracted by lots of muscular men in very tight clothing. When I have eaten them all, I read the bag and see that there is some contest, the Hot Tamale Hold'Em game, where it's instant and you just look inside the wrapper to see if you've won. So I do, and look!! I got a pair! I won some free Hot Tamales! Sort of makes up for the losing scratch ticket. But the catch is you have to send the wrapper to them with name, address, etc. So who's the dork that's sending that wrapper in for some free cinnamony deliciousness?? ME!! I figure, hey, I've never won one of these little instant games before, and it'll be fun when I forget about it and in six weeks get a present in the mail. So yeah, I guess everyone is a winner at some point. And in two months when I have more Hot Tamales, I might give you one, but only if you're super-nice to me.

So there it is.

People wonder why I don't ever really open up to them? Because when I do, it always ends up being a (figurative) kick in the balls. I've learned this now.

P.S. I love unexpectedly finding things out from other people. Well, more like, I love having my own suspicions of things, then getting confirmation inadvertently from others. That is sarcasm. But at least now I know what direction to take things in.

what for?

Tonight I sat on my porch after grilling some food and watched the lightning. It reminded me of when I was little my dad and I would sit out on our back patio and watch storms at night in the summer. Sometimes he would be listening to a Reds game on the radio. It was always really nice. Unfortunately, this evening I didn't have any company. Sitting out there alone just made me think, and tonight I thought mostly about the idea of progress.

Everything in life has to have a progression; motion of some sort. Many times, outside factors seem to be standing still, but usually there is still something changing- something internal being influenced by what is happening in the external. Things are constantly evolving; ideas, relationships with others, responsibilities, hairstyles, material possessions, everything. People always hope that they are changing for the better, always wish to be moving forward. But what I think is that it's not really the direction of the change that's important, it's that something does, in fact, change. Progress. Moving forward, backward, sideways, anywhere, is far superior to just existing in an idle state. Because, if the elements of life don't ever change, than what's the point? It's just a waste of time. And it's not really living.

Based on this theory, any aspect of my life, any situation I am in, if it's not progressing forward, not seeming like there's any future in it at all, than logically I should in turn cause what would be backwards evolution, and end whatever it is, and then try something else. Because then at least I'm not standing still. But I don't. I stay in a loop. I give people too many chances. I ride it out, and think that maybe next week things will change themselves. I often think this is because I'm lazy, or unmotivated, or just not sure of where I want to be right now. But then I think that maybe it's that I just don't really believe that I have a future, so why even try to get there.

A woman sees her friends
Continuous distraction
She fills up her days while she waits for phone calls
A life in evidence
Is evidently lonely
We all need a tale to tell

Maybe it's time I went where I was wanted.

Voila!

Voila!
Current mood:unmotivated

I got home today and there were my recycling bins, neatly stacked on one another down by the street where I left them yesterday morning. So whoever took them only needed them for a day, I guess. It's still odd though, because I looked around the houses on my street after they disappeared yesterday and didn't see them anywhere. At least now I don't have to beg the city for more bins.

Today a drunk bum in a wheelchair got arrested outside the Grill. I haven't seen him around yet, so I'm thinking he's a new one. I guess he got a little ornery and started spitting at the cops/EMTs (someone had called an ambulance) because they not only handcuffed him but put a mask on him too. You know it's slow at work when this serves as high comedy. Strangely enough, at that same moment, Evil Wheelchair Lady and Guy With No Legs Or Fingers (in the motorized chair) were hanging out right outside too, so it was like a little Wheelchair Bum Brigade. This probably makes me sound like I have no sympathy for those who are less fortunate, but when you work downtown for as long as I have, you realize that many of those bums are just not good people. Like Evil Wheelchair Lady. She sucks.

Yeah, it's Tuesday... I got nothin' else. 

Conspiracy

Someone, somewhere is out to make me lose my mind. Or I've entered some sort of bizarro world where things are straight-up loopy... Case in point, just now, while typing the word 'bizarro' my curser went berserk and took off on a tangent of z's, like this 'bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' but tons more, without me touching the keyboard. And today I thought I'd play the responsible adult and put out my recycling even though the bins weren't full. I was the only person on my street to put them at the end of the drive. I get home, and someone has made off with both my bins. Where am I supposed to keep all my empty beer bottles now?? Then my cat puked on the floor. Can I please get a break? Thanks. I don't want to be the crazy cat lady quite yet. Give me 10 or so years.

Fuck Easter

It seemed like it might be cool, but it really wasn't. Work was so slow it sucked. I didn't make any money, yet wasted 8 hours of my time there. Then I got home and one of my cats had tried to jump on top of my fridge, knocking the freezer door open. So my freezer was just sitting open all day. Not only will that be hell on my power bill, but everything in there thawed out completely. Not just a little thawed, but actually room temperature. So I can't refreeze it. What sucks the most is having to throw away my ice cream. I love ice cream. I went on a cooking rampage so I could salvage what I can. Made chili and taco filling and then burgers for other people and a steak for me. Tomorrow I will cook all the chicken I had frozen. I would grill it, but apparently I left the rack for my grill sitting somewhere in my yard and now I can't find it. I think my landlord threw it away. So now my grill is useless. Then I finally went to chill out next door and drink some beer. Everything was cool until someone came over to my house and left the door open. There went a cat. Had to go find him and then wrangle him back inside. Then someone decided to partake in what was not theirs. A beer was taken from my fridge that did not belong to me. (I have other beer that is mine that is available...) I took it away and explained why they couldn't have it- it wasn't mine to give away, and it wasn't replaceable. But in the 10 minutes I was outside looking for my cat, that same beer disappeared. So now I feel bad about that. I mean, it's just one beer, but I feel bad that someone else's stuff can disappear from my house, and the beer itself is not the point. So I called a friend (I guess... though I don't treat my friends this way) who might have been currently in the company of one of the people who could have taken it, since the dude I wanted to ask doesn't have a phone and I can't call him directly. While explaining why I was calling to this person I was ridiculed, then the phone was passed around the group of people this person was hanging out with in some sort of pseudo meet n' greet or whatever (though half of those people thought I was someone else and called me by the wrong name). And then this person hung up on me. Classy. So now I feel like utter crap. Because in the end, it seems like everything comes back to me; no matter what, it's all my fault, just like I've been hearing since I was 5 years old. So fuck today. And fuck this town sometimes. And fuck people who can't take control of their actions or who can't be responsible for themselves. And fuck people with malicious intentions. And fuck people who somehow get off on hurting other people's feelings. And where the hell is my Easter basket with chocolate bunnies and Peeps* and jelly beans?? Yeah, fuck it.


*even though Peeps are gross, they still belong in the ideal Easter basket.

no words

What a fucking strange night. Not bad, just weird. And nothing in and of itself was odd, but as a whole it got a little unsettling. And it all started with the FedEx guy delivering 40 lbs of cat litter to my house.

Now and Laters

those things are gross.

Right now: drinking beer. Writing this. Very exciting, I can assure you.

In a few minutes: still drinking beer. Reading a book for a while. Possible early bedtime. Early being defined as such only because I don't have to get up in the morning. On a normal work day, right now would be late. But on the eve of an off-day, late doesn't happen until somewhere in the 3-4am range.

Tomorrow: Hopefully shaking my severe lack of motivation and actually getting something done. I want to spend some time outside; get some fresh air and a little sunshine. I find that getting sun does wonders for improving my mood. I also want to maybe put those lights I bought up on my back deck, or make my fire pit. I want to get my dishes done, the recycling taken out, the floor vaccuumed, the old stanky-ass leftovers rotting in my fridge thrown away, and laundry washed. And I need to make a dentist appointment. Notice I didn't say want. I hate doctors. I do not want to go to the dentist. Especially because I know they are going to want to drill shit and pull shit and do equally shitty things to my mouth.

Also tomorrow... LP anniversary. I may be going.

In June: Effin' Beck at the Georgia Theatre. Hells yeah.

I can wait no longer

This past weekend was a nice one. A good old friend of mine got married to her high school sweetheart, and I was a bridesmaid. It was a simple wedding and a short reception, which was nice because even though I didn't have to do much, I was exhausted afterwards. Everything went off without problem until after the reception, when the bride's father was helping to set the church sanctuary back up; while replacing a part of the stage he ripped his palm open on a nail. So he got to spend the next 4.5 hours sitting in the ER bleeding on his rented tux. Seven stitches later, he has a nice permanent reminder of his daughter's wedding day.

I can not wait any longer. I must stop being an overgrown baby, suck it up, and go to the dentist. It has been a VERY long time since I've gone, though I've been lucky and have never had any serious problems. However, a particular molar has started being a little fickle about what substances come near it, and then last Thursday I noticed a dark speck that I hadn't seen before on another tooth. I do not like doctors of any sort, and am especially terrified of the dentist. But it has to be done if I don't want to end up like those bums sitting on the benches on College Ave. So if anyone has any recommendations for local dentists who will be nice to me and not make me feel stupid for (possibly) crying like a baby, let me know. Payment plans and good painkillers are a plus... Hook a sister up.

blech...

I didn't get enough sleep last night. It was my fault. But, I often skimp on a full 8 hours and don't have much trouble. This afternoon at work, I started feeling weird. So I ate a little something thinking that's all I needed. But it didn't go away entirely. After work I went and had a coffee (decaf of course, haha), and then went and ate a burrito. And now I've gone from feeling a little off to feeling pretty gross. I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't the burrito, so I'm just hoping it's not some illness sneaking up on me. I don't have time for any bacterial malarky or viral shenanigans. Maybe I just need to catch up on sleep. I'm going to go try that... nighty night.

The Vermonster will kill you.

Today is Kelly's birthday, so after work, a group of mostly Grill folk (and even those that aren't really Grill folk are close enough to be called so) went to Ben and Jerry's and got The Vermonster. And ate it all. The Vermonster is a big bucket of death. Or diabetes. Whatever. It contains one scoop of every flavor they have (about 20 scoops or so), brownies, cookies, topped with whipped cream, bananas, all the other toppings (sprinkles, nuts, chocolate chips, etc.), loads of caramel and hot fudge. Unfortunately they were out of cherries. We started off with maybe 9 or 10 people eating, but people dropped out pretty quickly, and ended up with just 4 or 5 finishing it up. And then we all thought we might puke. Or fall over. My very last bite consisted of a little melted ice cream covering a spoonful of caramel. Riding my bike home was a chore, and I had to just lay still for about 15 minutes after I got home. All that ice cream still hasn't digested, and I'm still feeling the strange sugar high that came with it. I'm expecting to crash here at any moment. So yeah, The Vermonster... It was truly excessive and yet, strangely beautiful.

You must be joking.

Monday:
Occasional showers. Highs in the mid 40s. East winds around 10 mph.

Highs in the mid 40's?? Tell me it isn't so, Weatherbug!

P.S. Does anyone have any recommendations for a place to get things altered? I have a bridesmaid's dress that I don't have the boobs or legs for, and would like to get it fixed. It's a pretty dress, really, but the wrong length makes it look a little nightgownish on me.

I should have seen it coming.

Thursday was such a great day. Probably one of the best I've had in a while. Good times were had by hanging out, drinking beer, watching movies, etc. I wish more days could be like it. Friday was nice, but uneventful. I worked, I had some coffee, I came home. And today is back to crap. Somehow, sometime between 8pm last night and 8am this morning, things have changed again. Though I don't know why because all I did during that time was fall asleep watching a movie, go to bed around 11:30, and go to work. So I can't figure out why I deserve this. I don't need it, that's for damn sure. This is giving me my ideas of where I stand. This is where my doubt comes from. This is why I just don't know about you. You want me to talk to you?? I only talk to people that talk back. At least do more than shake your head when I ask how you are doing, even if you've already made it obvious you don't want to talk to me and just couldn't get out the door fast enough.


I should have known Thursday wouldn't last.

today's agenda

Will include:   

   -Cleaning up the biological hazard site my house has become. I can't stand it. No, you can't come in because right now I don't want anyone stepping foot in this place. Give me a couple hours.

  -Eating Cheerios and drinking a hearty glass of Ovaltine (European Formula). See previous post. (this has actually already been accomplished).

  -Calling my landlord about my bathroom sink. It is no longer bolted to the wall, it's just balancing on it's own base. (Hmmm... Elton, what can you tell me about this??  )

  -Folding/putting away laundry. Quite possibly my most hated of household chores. If you would like to come do this for me, I would love you forever.

  -A shower. Because like my house, I am gross.

  -A ride to Roswell. To Whirlyball Atlanta. To see Mogwai tonight. With the other Erin.

There may be other things I do, but I won't list anything else because I'm not trying to be a hero. Knowing my procrastinating ways, there are two things above that may not happen. Well, off we go!

The crap that I think about sometimes...

  I'm looking out my window, trying to decide if I want to go sit outside for a while. The sun is out, it looks absolutely beautiful, but I also have the little Weather Bug thing on my computer desktop, and I know that while it is mild out there, it's not nearly as warm as it was yesterday. So I fear that I may go sit outside only to be annoyed by feeling cheated out of the 70-degree temperature I want. Though I probably will still go out anyway, because sunlight is good for you.


    I love milk. And I am so glad that I have some again. So many things you can use it for: mac and cheese, mashed potatos, cereal, white russians, the list is almost endless really. That list also includes Ovaltine. Yeah, I know, the name is awful. But I know there are a bunch of you out there who have had it and think it's pretty damn tasty. You just don't want to admit it. I like it a lot. What can possibly be bad about a chocolate-malt flavored drink that also gives you a huge chunk of your daily vitamins? So for me, Ovaltine ranks up there along with Vita-Worms (multivitamins in the form of gummy worms. There are also Vita-Bears. Yes, I love shit like this). Chocolate milk that's good for you is a winner in my book.

   Getting to the point of the Ovaltine rant: A few weeks ago I went with a friend to the 'Oriental Grocery' that is located on Prince Avenue. I am not a big gourmet/exotic foods eater, as most of my friends can attest. So I really had no idea what most of the stuff in there was. But they had a shelf of powdered drink mixes right next to the tea, and while looking at a lovely tin of jasmine tea, a bright orange label on the top shelf caught my eye. It was a glass jar of Ovaltine, smaller than the jars sold in regular stores, and was the "European Formula". Out of curiosity, I bought it because I wanted to see what was the difference between our version and the chic European version. Well, it ends up that the Europeans like their Ovaltine with no sweeteners whatsoever in the mix. And though it is 'chocolate malt' flavored, the presence of the 'chocolate' part is questionable. So it ends up tasting like a glass of sort of bitter malted milk. Maybe the way those Whoppers candies would taste like if they didn't have the chocolate covering on them, only liquefied. But the directions do say to add sugar to taste, so once a little sugar is added it gets better. But it's still strange. It's not really all that good, but I can't stop drinking it. Much like candy corn. I'm kind of worried that once my fancy Ovaltine is gone, I won't like the good ol' American kind I can get at Kroger (for less money) anymore. I can't afford to go and have my tastes upgraded to hoity-toity, import-only proportions.

    Speaking of upgraded tastes, I just bought a case of the Terrapin Coffee Oatmeal Stout (Wake n' Bake) through the beer distributor at my job for way cheaper than it costs in the store. Unfortunately it was out of stock, so I have to wait until next week for it to come in. That stuff is so good!

   While writing this, the temperature outside has increased 2 whole degrees, up to 58. But it's still not 70!!

That's all, folks!

Well, I think I'm done. Too bad, too, because there seemed to be some potential there. But now it feels more like a waste of my time. And a wearing out of my emotions. I just don't know anymore.

Dogs love trucks...

Well, actually I found a couple this morning that love bikes. More specifically, moving bikes with people on them. While riding my bike to work this morning I was chased down Augusta by two yapping terrier-sized white dogs. Luckily there wasn't any traffic on Cleveland so I didn't have to stop at the stop sign and risk getting my ankles bitten. Though I've heard of this happening, it's never happened to me, and I've never seen it in real life. It's the sort of thing I thought only happened to mailmen. And only on prime-time TV or PG-rated movies. It was pretty funny, really, because I wondered if they were just going to run behind me the whole time...

Today at work we decided that President's Day is just not festive enough to be a holiday. So we tried to come up with alternatives that would be more fun. The first one I thought of was to change it to Dead Prez Day, and just listen to hip-hop all day. But much of it isn't kiddie-safe, so that won't fly at work. The next thought was Presidents Of The United States Day, but it wouldn't last all day because they only had about two songs. And they weren't very good. And I don't like peaches anyway. The best idea was to just drop the 'id' from 'Presidents' and have 'Presents Day' instead. Just give out little presents to everyone. Small stocking-stuffer type things, but fun nonetheless. Who doesn't like presents?? Next year, next year.

Anyway, I am about to take an epic nap. Not in length, but in quality. It's going to be amazing. And will get me nice and refreshed for Beer Tower tonight!

I'm tired of it.

It... 'It' meaning all... Vagueness (is this even a word?). Being raised up and then shot down in the same day. Feeling not good enough (even though I know I'm better than that). Being blown off at a whim. Then being sucked back in (but why when I should know better?). Everthing. Athens. I love it, but I hate it. The more I think of it, the more I know it's time to get out of here. There is nothing for me here, so why should I stay? My lease is up on June 30. So I have a couple of months to decide what I want to do and where I want to go. If I stay, I will stay in my current house simply because moving all my stuff sucks. But if I decide to go... who knows. I have a few options swimming in my head. But none of them are options that are viable for this fall. So I'd still have 6 months to kill no matter what I do. Ugh. Too much.