"Please get out of the way."

I got a B in algebra. And microbiology. Fine with me, considering I put minimal effort into both of those classes. Rocked an A in VET 101 too. Yeah, I'm awesome.

I'll be leaving for Cincinnati on Sunday. I didn't go last year, so it should be interesting. My family up there is very conservative, and every time they see me, someone has to act shocked and comment on my nose ring, of all things. "When did you do that??" is always the question. Funny thing is I've had it for a long time, and they've all seen it at least once before. This year however... they don't know about the tattoo. I might keep it that way. Just one more thing for them to rail me on...

Also, speaking of leaving for Cincy, I need a cat sitter. I mean, you don't have to come hang out with them- Joe's the only one who'd be truly down with hanging out with a semi-stranger. Sadie would watch from a distance, and maybe sidle up for some loving after about 15 minutes. Oliver will be under the bed or in my closet. The whole time. You may see him streak past in a full-out run on the way to one of these places when he realizes the person who came through the front door isn't me. Nope, just feed and water them. And scoop the litter. That's the big one. I can put out enough food and water for a week, but that box can't go a week or I come home to great fun. I mean, you can hang out if you want, watch a movie, whatever. Just don't steal my shit. So, any takers?

Grill holiday party was Monday. Fun, but not the epic blowout of years past. No band; karaoke instead. Not at The Grill; upstairs Tasty World instead. Very few old-school employees... well, really only one or two. Eh. Was made furious by observing the actions of a 19-year-old soon-to-be-ex-coworker. Walked home alone.

I bought car insurance today. Tomorrow I have to go do the tag/title thing. Then I have to charge the battery because I was a dumbass and forgot to start the damn thing for a while. And then I get to learn to drive! Wooo!

I joined Facebook. What the hell is wrong with me? One thing though... I'm not fond of the layout or the editing capabilities. Also, you can't just look at profiles unless you're part of some network or something. Still trying to figure it out. 3 hours in, I've already got 3 friends!

Um. That's all really. I gotta pee. And I'm cold. And sleepy.

Thursday Thoughts

Random shit.

When shopping for scrubs for my school labs, I noticed something. It's hard to find scrubs that actually fit smaller people. As in XS scrubs (with 'short' pants) are still a little too big for me. I am a small (read: short) person, but I'm proportional, meaning I'm not particularly skinny. So a girl my height who weighs 20 lbs. less would be swimming in my size XS scrubs. BUT- I also noticed that all brands of scrubs came in sizes up to 5XL. WTF?? Wouldn't you hope that people working in the health industry would take enough care of themselves to not be wearing a 5XL? Or even an XXL (women anyway) for that matter?? Just thought it was a bit of an oxy-moron.

Dear Fellow Females: when using a public bathroom, I know most of you are intensely paranoid of what you may pick up off the toilet seat (I know all of us other coffee shop patrons are just disgusting!), so you save your skin and hover when you go potty. Well, then, be a lady and wipe up your splashback because yes, you did splash on the seat. Some of us are too damn short to hover comfortably. As it is, my feet don't completely touch the floor when I sit, so the hover ain't happening. I have to sit. And if you did too, this wouldn't even be an issue. Plus, I understand basic biology and know that it would take some rather unscrupulous behavior on both yours and my parts (literally) to actually contaminate/be contaminated with something infectious. In short, if you must be a germophobe at least clean up after yourself. Thanks.

This is the first time EVER that my laptop has connected to the internet through ERC's wireless network. Usually I get an "IP conflict" error message. Today it connected all by itself. Nice.

All my lab finals are finished. One test and three regular finals to go (actually four; one final I have actually is two finals in one. Goody!).

Yup. Still need a job. But I guess for that to happen I need to submit applications. I was sick all last week, so I slept all my free time away. Next week after finals IT IS ON.

Well, my last attempt at closure/communication/whatever was ignored. Even though the other party was the one that wanted to discuss things further, they then dropped all communication. I guess that gets me off the hook on that one, and off the hook in general...

I'll be going to Cincinnati for Christmas this year, though I can't afford it. I just have to, since I didn't go last year. It's been two years since I've seen my family. It will be nice, but I'm sure they'll drive me insane. If anyone is going to be staying in Athens that week, I will need someone to check in on/feed/scoop up after my cats...

Time for band 'practice'. Which means meeting up at Cutters and 'practicing' drinking beer. Only for a little bit for me...more homework later, though I actually got a chunk done today. Go Me!

Where do these 'sponsored links' come from?

As usual, these have nothing to do with me.

Went to a hog farm today. It was a last-minute facility change, so our planned lab couldn't apply. We were supposed to see a nursery and read ear notches and actually catch and pick up a pig, but there were no little pigs at this farm. This was more of a feeder-finish farm, where he gets the pigs at around 7 weeks of age, grows them for 18 weeks (up to about 250 lbs), then sells them off for slaughter. Though I didn't get to actually handle a pig, this was kind of neat because it was a for-real hog operation, instead of a squeaky-clean teaching facility. As in there were 4 hog houses, each with about 1000 pigs. And in one pen, there was a pig who had died sometime in the past couple hours (probably from stress, said the farmer) getting gnawed on by the other pigs. I bet I wouldn't have seen that at UGA's facility. The farm owner had one of his workers go get the carcass when we left the house. I asked what they did with the dead ones, and he said "Oh, we got a hole we throw 'em in.". About pigs: they're cute in the 'so ugly it's cute' way. They're EXTREMELY loud. Squeal is more like scream. They're prone to hernias. And Good God, the stench. By far the smelliest animal I've dealt with yet.

You wanted to discuss things further. I said call me when you have time. I guess you changed your mind.

21 days to go. Followed by unemployment (so far at least).

I will probably not get an A in Microbiology. I'm just hoping for a B in Algebra.



I sort of wanted to go look in that hole.

One step closer to growing up

Today I got a new toy. I guess I can consider it a birthday present to myself.

It's silver. More importantly it's got four wheels, four doors, and an engine.


Now I just have to learn to use it.

I guess the sliced Tofurky will have to do.

Today is Thanksgiving. I have no plans, and it's a little delicious- though turkey is delicious too, but I can eat that whenever.

  Technically, my day of nothing started yesterday after I was cognisant enough to move; with each birthday celebration, recovery times get longer. Last night I watched "Kinky Boots", partook of the half-bowl I found, and ate ice cream. Delicious. I thought about going to the Cheeseburger show at Go Bar, but fell asleep. I woke up at 2:45am to the loop of the dvd menu music.

  Today I slept in, and so far have yet to make myself in any way, shape, or form presentable to leave the house. I've been drinking coffee, playing on the internet, and will probably use today to clean my house and do laundry and shit like that because it desperately needs to be done.

  Oh, I also saved another anole from feline jaws of death. My cats were so distracted by me opening a can of food that they didn't see him sitting 8 feet away in the bathroom doorway. I managed to drop a tupperware container over him before they noticed, and got him back outside.

  I need a job. If any of you people's workplaces might be hiring, let me know so I can fill out an application.

  Speaking of the above, I have never felt as unwanted, unappreciated, and generally worthless as I did this past weekend, and now every time I enter that building I feel nothing but contempt. A sampling of things I heard include 'Good. You have no business working there anyway." and "Once we get her out of the way..." Also getting screamed at like a 6-year-old for adding up my own credit card tips (no, I don't trust the managers' math. Yes, I've caught errors on many occasions, and was one of many employees whose tips were being 'skimmed' by one manager who was eventually fired for stealing) and seeing another coworker get screamed at for wiping down the counter using Windex (since that's what we use to clean EVERYTHING). Nothing but disrespect up in there.

   My neighbor's dog has been barking non-stop for over an hour. He's also trying to dig under their gate. I don't think they're home, so I hope he doesn't get out. I do wish he'd shut the hell up though.

  Many thanks to everyone I saw Tuesday night. I had a great time! Karaoke was a blast, as was pretty much the whole day once I was finished with my tests. It was an eccelctic group of people, but I think it worked out well. I hope everyone had a good time!

  I think I was going to say something else, but now I can't remember. The barking has got me distracted... Happy Thanksgiving!

Edit: After I finished writing this, I signed out. MySpace must have heard my plea for a job, as this is the ad that was on the "Signed Out" page:

she looks scary.

I fell asleep writing this last night.

For the first time in two years or so, my hair is all one color. Even the grey ones.

Tuesday night. It's my birthday. I'm going to call Shokitini and see if they have a room available. I'm thinking 9-11pm. Drinks. Microphones. Let me know if you want to come! (I'd like a guesstimate headcount).

Kevin and I did a trivia show for a private party at Buffalo's last night. It was a fraternity social. They hired us once before. Nice kids, but on the clueless side.

If what I've heard is true, though you'd lie if I asked you about it anyway... gross, dude. And it means that my decision to be done with things is only that much more concrete. You are too old to be messing around with girls who still have a '1' at the beginning of their age.

December 20 may be it for me. I'll most likely decide today.

On Wednesday, by going to a meeting and paying $15 in dues (which pays for our group t-shirt), I scored not only free dinner (Olive Garden ravioli) but also a free year-supply of Advantage flea treatment for two of my cats. A field veterinarian from Bayer came to speak to us about fleas and their new prescription product, and got the company to give us the hook-up. Many thanks to Bayer from all the SCNAVTA kids!

Now- off to work. To be followed by schoolstuff schoolstuff schoolstuff for the next 5 days. No rest until Tuesday night.

Hey Mister DJ, put a record on

I love The Onion.


However, I'm not much a fan of onions.

a day in the life...

I am convinced that calves are the cutest baby animals in the world. Cuter than puppies. Cuter than kittens. Baby cows win hands-down. They have such soft hair and long skinny knock-kneed legs. They're clumsy and curious and will act up to get your attention. They have long pretty eyelashes, and will 'nurse' on your fingers for ages. They are just fricken' adorable. If I could have a baby cow (that would stay a baby cow...) in my backyard, I would. Except I am sure my landlord would, well, have a cow. Har har.

I got my shot. So that's done. I'm not sure if there was some sort of minor reaction, but after I had the vaccine, I went to Transmet and ate a calzone and drank a beer. Then I went to Target to get gloves and cat litter. By the time I got home I felt awful- almost like I had a really bad hangover, but how in the hell could I have given myself a hangover like that with one beer consumed with food and water? My head was splitting, I was freezing, and I felt a little nauseated and dizzy. I turned my furnace on with the thermostat on 70, turned the spaceheater in my room all the way up with my door mostly shut, stayed fully dressed (jeans, socks, shirt) and added a big long-sleeve flannel shirt, and crawled under my down comforter. At 6:20pm. And I woke up at 1:30am. Then I went right back to bed, and slept until 8 this morning. Feeling better for the most part.

As everyone has probably heard by now, because this is Athens and word travels fast, this morning the owner of The Grit jumped from the College Ave. parking deck. Pretty crazy. I happened to walk to work this morning, and while walking up Washington Street, saw all the emergency vehicles and the sidewalk roped off. I saw them closing up the ambulance and then it drove past me. But I didn't know what was up until later when a coworker arrived. He had witnessed the whole thing. I am glad that I was 10 minutes too late for that. Either way, it's a bummer. My sympathies go out to his friends and coworkers and family.

It did make me think... we as human beings are fragile. It doesn't really take much to be here one minute and be gone the next. I think a lot of people sort of take living for granted. They think they are invincible. You see this all the time- in the way people drive so recklessly around here, they walk out into the street without looking, they do generally stupid shit that most of the time ends up causing no harm but could go horribly wrong. Most of the time they are just in a hurry. Today was a day of non-regulars at work, and lot of them kept telling me that they were in a hurry. I wanted to tell them to just chill and actually enjoy their lunches and their company and their current free time. To not be in such a hurry to get on with it, to move on to the next thing. Why the rush? If you hurry through life, you get to the end much sooner.

))<>((

It's autumn. I can tell because of the way the air smells. Crisp, clean, a little like leaves, a little like burning wood, a lot like something else I really can't place. Not like summer, which smells like a wet dog and hot asphalt, and is almost thick enough to drown in. Autumn smells like the complete opposite of Summer. Yes, the cooling temperature, changing leaves and 'falling back' an hour are all indications of autumn, but I don't believe it until I smell it. I smell it every day now, and though I'm not big on cold, I love that smell.

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm forgetting something. Like maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere or be doing something in particular. I have nothing written down, and I can't think of anything I normally do on a Tuesday about this time. So if there is anyone out there who I've just stood up, or didn't call, or whatever, sorry. I forgot.

I'm having bad luck with that Rabies vaccination again... it's a series of 3 shots that have to be taken on a schedule. I went out to the Health Department earlier this afternoon to get my last shot (the third one is the only one where there is a little leeway- you can get it anytime between Day 21 and Day 28 of your vax schedule). Last Thursday was Day 21, but as I was a little, um, we'll say ill, I decided to wait until today to go get stuck. There I'm told that their refridgerator conked out and all the vaccines were messed up and had to be reordered, so they don't have it. Thursday is Day 28. The lady said it should be in tomorrow or Thursday, but usually when they say two days it really means two weeks. So if I miss this last shot, I may have to start the entire process over again. Of course, this is completely out of my control, so my teachers can't get mad at me over this. And the only thing I am really concerned with is that if I have to start the whole series again because of this, are they going to try to make me pay for it? There's no way I'm dropping another 5 bills on that. The lady said they wouldn't, but it is a government entity, and we all know they like money, so we'll see.

My slight irritation at this situation disappeared when I walked outside. Not only is that smell that I love in the air on a lovely, though a bit windy, sunny day, but I saw a guy go jogging down Harris Street with his dog on a leash. Now, a guy jogging with a dog is by no means a rare sight in this town. And I like both dogs and guys, but them jogging together usually not an occurance of note. Except this guy was jogging with a Dachshund. A young, not-full-grown-yet Dachshund. Jogging with a Lab, sure. Jogging with a weiner dog, not so much. The dog's legs couldn't have been more than four inches long, and though the guy was jogging in such a way so that he wasn't literally dragging the dog along the pavement, the dog really couldn't keep up. Both guy and dog looked like they were having a blast, but it pretty much just looked ridiculous, which made me laugh and wish I had a camera.

I need a lift out to the DMV place. I'm about to get older, which means my license is about to expire. It would be cool to avoid this, so if you can hook a sister up, let me know. I'll buy you a beer or something.

I get to play with cattle tomorrow. My restraint book mentions at least six times that many handlers have been killed by cattle who kick or crush, and that you should always have an escape route in mind. I do understand the need for safety when dealing with dumb 2,000 lb. animals, but telling me this over and over doesn't exactly make me want to hop into the corral and look at a cow's teeth, which is probably one thing I'll have to do.

Hmmm... naptime, I think.

Drop it like it's Hot...or Not.

This week I've written no blogs (until now, obviously). This week I've had 54 views. Who is reading my brain spewage? I should put a disclaimer on here: "Warning: Self-depricating, pessimistic, poorly-written writings ahead. Please wear eye protection. Management is not responsible for soured moods, IQ depreciation due to bad grammar, or overdose of elipses, parentheses, or bullshit. Thank you."


Out of curiousity I clicked "Ranking Score" under the "View My" menu. I guess sometime a long time ago I put a photo there, which I'm guessing is no longer on my profile since there was just a box with a red X. Why people do this I have no idea. Aren't we all tired of being judged? So why subject yourself to more judging, this time on such a superficial level? Anyway, it told me that my average score was a 4.0. Now I've never claimed to be a hottie by any means; I do own a mirror and I do see 'the competition' every day... but, this 4.0 ranking was based on ZERO votes. WTF? Zero people voted the non-existant photo an average of 4.0.

Perhaps this is proof of some sort of higher power? Maybe God himself is like, "Damn. Made in My image?? I don't think so... 4." Because I would guess that if there is a God He would probably be a 10. Or at least we'd all tell him that so as not to be cast into the Lake of Fire or whatever the hell it's called.

The Coast Is Never Clear

A fairly productive week:

-gift certificate used to give me what I needed: another hole in my head.
-caught up with the math crap.
-kicked ass (for me at least) at bowling.
-actually ate real food, not just pretzels and M&M's.
-exchanged some too-big pants.
-studied for, and did well on, a quiz.
-caught up with VET 101 reading.
-rabies vaccine 2 completed.
-purchased most of the supplies I still needed for school. Most... still some more. Always more it seems.
-printed out all BIO 197 notes.
-got my hur did.
-naps. sleep. class. work.
-more.

All at the expense of whatever excuse for a social life I had previously. I don't see anyone, I don't talk to anyone, and I don't even feel like returning the few calls I've gotten. I'm self-exiled. It's not over, even with all that done. Next: 4 days of working early, read, study, test this weekend (online class), test on Tuesday, test on Thursday. And my house has reached such a state of disarray that I can barely stand to be here. It seriously depresses me to look at this place. I'm tempted to take a few days off work to get all my shit in order again, but I can't afford to do that.

I also have other shit weighing on my mind.
It's gone. I felt most of it slip away suddenly a couple weeks ago, but thought maybe it was just a funk. That by just going with the flow, playing along, my heart could be refilled. And then, one small thing; a poorly-timed, offhandedly rude, though fairly innocuous, comment thrown my way. The sort of line/delivery that any other time might have been taken with a grain of salt, and returned with the entire shaker. Only this time, it was the old cliched straw, and my back was broken/heart was drained/patience gone/bubble of hope deflated/whatever conveys this feeling of shutting off the best. I turned and left, and the next morning found I had no desire to try anymore. The care is still there, but the will, resolve, the rest... it's just gone.

This makes me ache, because now I know that I carry information that will bring sadness to the one person I have tried (albeit often unsuccessfully) to make happy. How hypocritical, but there's no other way around it. Either way, this will be the last you hear of it.

If a tree falls in the forest...

So maybe I'm not any good at this either. 'This' being school, and 'this' being life. What a screw-up I must look like to them. Could it be that I really am destined to be just a stupid waitress? Do I really lack the mental capacity to excel (or hell, just be proficient) at anything else? (of course not... I'm being pissy. but still, if not this, than what? i'm out of ideas.)

Today has been a big crapfest of a day. Unfortunately it's not over yet.

Grrrrrrrrr.

There is danger all around you!

Stop the insanity! Why does our government, which is so hell-bent on controlling and regulating every other aspect of our lives, continue to ignore things like this? (for you link-challenged, that's www.dhmo.org) Yes, of course. Because of how continued use of this chemical compound benefits the economic side of things... Screw the fact that inhaling even small amounts is fatal- it's cheap, widely accessible, and can be very useful; let's put it in everything! I, for one, am outraged. Luckily, here in Athens-Clarke, we are currently seeing a major reduction in the amounts of this vile substance in our local environment.

The all-natural cat toy

I used to regularly find large wood roaches, slugs, and stink bugs in my house. Lately, this has changed to green anoles. I like the little lizards much more, but so do my cats. This doesn't bode well for the anoles.

The first I found a few weeks ago, and by the time I found him, he was very dead. Monday evening, a second one was presented to me by Oliver (while I was on the toilet- great timing, cat), who was very proud of his catch. This guy wasn't dead, but spent the next 6 hours completely unconscious in a little Tupperware enclosure I made complete with leaves and bark and mist and a platic wrap lid. Yes, I punched holes in the plastic... I was happy to see him awake and recovered this morning, so I released him. Then this afternoon while napping I was jerked awake by a freaking out Sadie, who was chasing another anole along my bedroom wall and window. Luckily I caught her without incident, and before the cats actually got to her, so she got out with all her parts (the guy from yesterday lost his tail).

I wonder where these things are coming from? I figure as long as it's just anoles and not scorpions or copperheads or vampire bats, I'm cool. I just don't want to keep coming home to find lizard pieces all over my house.

Now for sleep. Long day tomorrow.

So, pot and booze aren't the only things you gotta worry about

Yeah. No, thanks. Guess I won't be swimming in any lakes any time soon.
(taken from Yahoo! News)

6 die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes
 

By CHRIS KAHN, Associated Press Writer Fri Sep 28, 2:18 PM ET

PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it's true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die.

Even though encounters with the microscopic bug are extraordinarily rare, it's killed six boys and young men this year. The spike in cases has health officials concerned, and they are predicting more cases in the future.

 

"This is definitely something we need to track," said Michael Beach, a specialist in recreational waterborne illnesses for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

"This is a heat-loving amoeba. As water temperatures go up, it does better," Beach said. "In future decades, as temperatures rise, we'd expect to see more cases."

According to the CDC, the amoeba called Naegleria fowleri (nuh-GLEER-ee-uh FOWL'-erh-eye) killed 23 people in the United States, from 1995 to 2004. This year health officials noticed a spike with six cases — three in Florida, two in Texas and one in Arizona. The CDC knows of only several hundred cases worldwide since its discovery in Australia in the 1960s.

In Arizona, David Evans said nobody knew his son, Aaron, was infected with the amoeba until after the 14-year-old died on Sept. 17. At first, the teen seemed to be suffering from nothing more than a headache.

"We didn't know," Evans said. "And here I am: I come home and I'm burying him."

After doing more tests, doctors said Aaron probably picked up the amoeba a week before while swimming in the balmy shallows of Lake Havasu, a popular man-made lake on the Colorado River between Arizona and California.

Though infections tend to be found in southern states, Naegleria lives almost everywhere in lakes, hot springs, even dirty swimming pools, grazing off algae and bacteria in the sediment.

Beach said people become infected when they wade through shallow water and stir up the bottom. If someone allows water to shoot up the nose — say, by doing a somersault in chest-deep water — the amoeba can latch onto the olfactory nerve.

The amoeba destroys tissue as it makes its way up into the brain, where it continues the damage, "basically feeding on the brain cells," Beach said.

People who are infected tend to complain of a stiff neck, headaches and fevers. In the later stages, they'll show signs of brain damage such as hallucinations and behavioral changes, he said.

Once infected, most people have little chance of survival. Some drugs have stopped the amoeba in lab experiments, but people who have been attacked rarely survive, Beach said.

"Usually, from initial exposure it's fatal within two weeks," he said.

A poor man's roses or a rich man's gold...

Last Thursday I called the Health Department about a rabies vaccine. They said I could just come in and get the shot, no appointment, and that they had the vaccine already. Today, on my day off, I was going to go and get it. But then they told me I had to order it and it will take a week to come in. Somebody lied to me. Boo. This vaccine is also going to cost $512.25. Yes. That much.

To offset the above bad news (mostly the price, but also the fact that I need to do this NOW so I can be finished with the series by Oct. 30), here is a picture of two of my cats being cute. Oliver loves his Joe.

One bourbon, one shot, one beer

I just got a tetanus shot. I haven't gotten any vaccines since 1986. The doctor didn't give me a lollypop or a sticker afterwards like when you were little. That would have been rad. Next up; a rabies shot (or three). Can't wait, lemme tell ya.

As of yet, I am undecided. Amidst all the problems, I still want to keep the hope alive. I'm just not sure how much longer that's going to last. There needs to be some serious discussion of things, not just letters written back and forth (sober ones). The issues have been mentioned, now we need to try to come up with some solutions. This will be like pulling teeth, I'm sure.

Today I came home from the doc to find a pretty little snake on my front porch. I took a picture of him with my phone, but am too cheap to pay the messaging fee to send it to my email to post here. Just take my word for it... he was cute. Then I came in the house to find a mysterious box sitting in my kitchen. A box containing a toaster. No note or anything, though I can only think of one person who would do such a thing, and knowing that this person knew that I did in fact need a toaster (mine blew up a few weeks ago mid-toasting) helps explain it some. Still, gifts tend to freak me out when they aren't for any type of occasion. Especially when they are just randomly left in the house with no card or whatever. I sort of want to just leave it where it is until I know for sure.

I really want a bass clarinet. If I wasn't so damn broke right now, what with having to buy all these vaccines and school-related stuff (which I still have A LOT to get), I'd treat myself. I'll peruse eBay anyway, see if I stumble onto anything, but it just isn't in the cards right now. The reason is because a guy I know that plays with the Athens Symphony told me today they need a bass clarinet player, and he thought of me. I have wanted to play with them for a while since I miss orchestral playing, and they actually did have an opening for a clarinet this season. But I forgot about it, and the position wasn't exactly publicly advertised, so I missed out on that. Oh well...

Grrr. My arm is all stiff and stuff.

Also, according to the doctor I am exactly 60 inches tall and weigh 122.4 lbs. I have gained weight. Boo.

A whole week dedicated to those like me... party on!

For anyone out there who is feeling lonely or unloved and wishes they had that special Significant Other, it's time to put those woes aside and paint the town red... we got our own holiday! I wonder if I can get out of work for this.

 I found the phrase 'Grab your cats and a bottle of warm white wine' particularly appropriate. Though I have no white wine. I DO have a frozen pizza, though. And cats.

(copied from Yahoo.com)
Although I'm rarely accused of "having good timing" (or tact, for that matter), it seems that my luck has finally turned: Today I've parted ways with the jerk, er, guy I was seeing, just in time for the nonstop thrill ride that is National Singles Week. Er, excuse me -- National Unmarried and Singles Americans Week. Because I am nothing if not a serious investigative journalist, I did a hard-hitting piece on the phenomenon that's sweeping our nation: Celebrating being single during an assigned week! Most reporters would shy away from such a controversial subject. Not me. It's all about the story, people. With that, today's column, Party of One. Cue "All By Myself."

 

Party of one

If you're one of the 95 million Americans who stubbornly refuse to join in wedded bliss, the commemorative holiday you've been feverishly anticipating is finally here. That's right, spouse-less slackers, it's National Unmarried And Single Americans Week! Possessors of a marriage license, get thee to the sleepy bedroom 'burbs. This week is NOT for you!

As for the rest -- I know it's difficult to contain your exuberance.

      You've no doubt already planned several rollicking events, probably involving whipped cream and speed dating. After all, times when you can officially celebrate not having a ball & chain come but once a year. (Excluding bachelor parties. Obviously.)

 

The esteemed holiday was founded in 1984 by a courageous group of Ohioans called the Buckeye Singles Council, who clearly had too much free time on their (ring-less) hands. Disgruntled with the smug marrieds in their state, they decided that they just wouldn't stand for it anymore.

No longer....

No longer would they ignore the blatant favoritism accorded to those with marriage certificates!

 

No longer would they put up with the inferior status of those without contractual agreements sealed with large, expensive parties involving multi-tiered cakes!

 

No longer would they answer their mother's insistent phone calls about "that nice Jewish orthodontist"!

 

They retaliated by proclaiming that forthwith, the third week in September would be reserved solely for honoring unmarried people throughout the nation as well as creating awareness of the rampant discrimination against their kind.

Oh, you think the unattached don't really suffer discrimination? I bet you're married, you single-hater!

Stigma and embarrassment

According to one dating expert I spoke with, "There is still a stigma and embarrassment about being alone."

 

Yeah! Here's to all the stigmatized, embarrassed singles out there. Grab your cats and a bottle of warm white wine and raise a toast to life without joint tax returns, "checking in," and mandatory visits with ugly in-laws.

"This week single people are finally given permission to actually get out and enjoy themselves," the expert explained.

Permission?

      Singles are the only people who DON'T need permission to go enjoy themselves!

Beyond that, how should we losers without wedding bands celebrate this momentous occasion? Alcohol, nudity, repeated trips to Scores?

According to the expert, we can "get a good night's sleep, hang out with friends, or go for a great haircut."

Personally, I was leaning towards the alcohol and nudity, but okay. I guess a haircut sounds nice too.

And of course, nothing says "I'm going all out to properly commemorate National Unmarried and Single Americans Week" like getting a good night's sleep.

I knew this was going to be the Best Week Ever.

 

Julia Allison is the editor-at-large for Star Magazine and Time Out New York's dating columnist. She appears daily as an on-air commentator on Fox, E!, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, and has written for Cosmopolitan, Maxim, New York, Teen Vogue, Seventeen, The Huffington Post and Men's Health. Julia got her start as the first college dating columnist at Georgetown University. Read her blog at blog.juliaallison.com.

I am destroyer, I am lover.

Shit, man. Though I have been fairly successful in eliminating the bad habit of drunk-texting (a particular person), I blew that out of the water last night with the equally-bad drunk-handwritten-note. And the stupid part is that it was just supposed to be a "hey, wanted to say Hi" note, but in the hazy and overly emotional state I was in at that point, it of course turned into a messily-scrawled "what the hell is going on with us? please just tell me what you want, etc etc etc" note instead. On the back of a Chili's receipt, I think. God, I am such a retard.

And I really need to lay off the booze, dude. Too much of it lately, and it's starting to make me not only do dumb-ass shit, but make me feel all bloated and fat and heavy. I didn't used to have this problem, and maybe it comes with getting older (similar to how going out requires recovery time later nowadays), but I find that my emotions/thoughts get out-of-check when I drink a lot. Not all the time, but all it takes is someone or something to set it off, get me thinking, and then they just run wild. Last night was fine until an aquaintance I was hanging out with decided to inform me that he's always liked me, and what the hell was I doing with so-and-so because he's such an asshole, blah blah, I can do better than that, and then when I try to justify things (not that I have to, because frankly it's no one else's business) gets all defensive and says they don't even want to hear about that guy, don't even talk about him, etc. (And maybe this got to me more last night because I heard almost the exact same thing from a different aquaintance a week ago...). So then I start thinking and decide that I have shit that admittedly has been on my mind for a few weeks, but that I need to say it NOW but I can't talk in person and no texting and it's important and I need to know blah blah blah.

Next thing you know, I'm leaving a stupid note that I immediately wanted to go back and get the second I walked out of the house but didn't want to go back in. So today I will shut myself in and not answer his phone calls because I'm embarrassed and don't want to have to explain it or even acknowledge it. Which won't help anything at all.

I just want to be normal. And do normal things. And have normal relationships. And think normal thoughts. However it seems I'm doomed to dysfunction and fucking shit up. That's what I was born into, so I know nothing else.

Here comes the rain.

How many ninjas would it take to kick your ass?

It seems that September 4 is a bad day for people named Steve. Searching began for adventurer Steve Fossett and his plane, which never showed up at his destination on Monday. It was also the one-year anniversary of the stingray-barbing death of Steve Irwin. Crazy how it doesn't seem like it's been a year. Time is starting to pass by me too quickly.

No more speeches for me! So glad to have that out of the way... Next up; Microbiology, College Algebra, and Introduction to Veterinary Technology.

The burrito I ate is giving me a little bit of heartburn. Blech. I think I'll kill it off with some ice cream.

Today I was introduced to a guy named Ian. He then asked me if I was "The Stencil Girl" that he sees all over town. Only one other person has asked me about that, but this was someone I already knew. Sort of strange to be recognized like that. And yes, I am The Stencil Girl. But where all over town are these things? I only know of two.

So many things I've been putting off.

The Dictatortots are playing tomorrow at the 40 Watt. Come watch. We say bad words.

I just don't know anymore...

down to the wire

Piss. Fuck. Damn. Fuckin speech.

That is all.

not currently for human consumption

Time can take its toll on the best of us
Look at you, you're growing old so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
Tilt your head and turn it to the sun
Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be

Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you

Time can take its toll on the best of us
Look at you, you're growing old so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the setting sun
You disembark the lastest flight from Paradise
You almost turn your ankle in the snow
You fall back in to where you started
Make up words to songs you used to know, so...

Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you

The hard-luck god, he never had a chance you know
Incurable romantics never do
He held a flame I wasn't born to carry
I'll leave the dying young stuff up to you
You get back on the latest flight to Paradise
I found out from a note taped to the door
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight
Through my window, lying on the kitchen floor

Alright, I can say what you want me to
(I want more)
Alright, I can do all the things you do
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
(I want more)
Alright, I can say what you want me to
(Give me more)
Alright, I can do all the things you do
(I want more from you)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
                  -Heart (Stars)
----------------------------------------------------------------
How can you be OK with the way things are? OK with spending a total of 2, maybe 3, hours together over the last 13 days. OK with our 4-minute phone conversations that consist of mostly silence and small talk about work. OK with the fact that we haven't been intimate in any way ONCE other than a cuddle or two since we started this whole thing again. Is there no more passion? Have you just lost all interest? I need to hear you say what I am to you. What is holding this together? It's like smoke. I really do feel that we are going to be forever out-of-sync. I want more. I need more. I know you do, too. But how can you know what you need if you don't even yet know what you want? This is not a relationship... we don't relate to each other at all anymore. It's making me unhappy. It's making me question. And it's causing me to begin distancing, preparing for the inevitable. We're miles away from the closeness we had 2.5 years ago, when we were simply friends. We're going backwards.  It's not hard to recognize a sinking ship when you're standing on it. I was less lonely when I was alone. What do I do? What do you want to do? What will become of this?
The clock is ticking...

Dear Turdmuncher,

Please remove the effin' cell phone from your ear. This way you might not run my bike-riding ass down when you change lanes in your yellow-ribboned, W-stickered, baby-penguin-killing monster of a vehicle (which I'm sure you use to haul all sorts of rough-'n'-tough cargo through the wilds of Marietta). Or if you do pancake me anyway, at least it'd be a good ol' fashioned vehicular homicide rather than you being a follower and using the excuse of "oh, shit officer, I didn't even see her!". But know this: if you kill me, rest assured that I will haunt your ass 'till your dying day. Nothing will be safe on your shelves and I'll flicker lights until you have seizures. And then when you show up at whatever party the afterlife might be, I will promptly give you a swift kick in the balls.


Edit: I just went into my kitchen to make dinner. Instead I found a bunch of stuff knocked over on my counter, the hood vent screen off, a poster above the stovetop ripped off the wall, and a dead lizard on my floor. I'm not too happy with my cats right now.

the past that suits you best

Tonight I got bored and instead of doing responsible things like my dishes or laundry, I decided to click on the little "Henry County High School" link on my MySpace page. This brings up pages upon pages of profiles belonging to people who also went to that shithole of a high school; "Attendance a Must, Education a Plus!". Upon narrowing the field to people between the ages of 25 and 28, I saw a lot of profiles for people I used to know. But would not know now.

My, how things change. A lot of them are married. Even more have children. Some got fat, or went bald, and a few have suspiciously huge boobs now. And about 75-80% of them STILL LIVE IN HENRY COUNTY. This boggles the mind. I can't think of anything off the top of my head that could convince me to move back to McDonough.

I do have to wonder what these people are like now that they've got another 8 years under the belt. Are they still as petty and clique-ish as they were back in the day? Have they become more open-minded with age? Those with whom I shared classes, what would they think of me today?

I was not a Popular Kid. Or a Cool Kid. Or even close to being one of the handful of girls that always made up the cheerleading squad/homecoming court/etc.etc.etc. I am pretty sure I wasn't thought of very highly, if even thought of at all. I remember this guy David Smoak, shortly after moving into our school, coming around a bookshelf in the library, where I was sitting on the floor reading a book, kicking me in the knee HARD, and then claiming that he didn't see me sitting there. Total bullshit. (sidenote: Mr Smoak ended up living on the floor above me in the dorms freshman year of college. He acted like we were great buddies, introduced me as his "friend from high school", stuff like that. He liked to occupy his time by running up and down his hall with his balls hanging out of the fly of his boxers and by pissing out his dorm room window into the dumpster five stories down). Back then, at good ole HCHS, I was known for one thing, which was being in the band. Not really the sort of thing that raises one's social status. Also, in the yearbook, my name was omitted from half the group/club/organization photos I was in, and the times it was included, it was misspelled.

I went on one date in high school. If it can even be counted as a date. I went to the prom my sophomore year with the foreign exchange student from Spain. It was uneventful, I think we danced to maybe two songs. The night was spent sitting around looking at everything.

Yeah. High school sucked. Hell no would I go back if I could. I feel sorry for people who claim it was the best years of their lives, if only because it happens so early on in life. They sure do have a disappointing 60 years ahead of them.

And though I always said I wouldn't attend a reunion, quite honestly I think it'd be highly entertaining...

Sleep on the floor, dream about me

One serving of Cheez-It brand snack crackers equals 27 crackers.

When I was little I had a whole collection of books from the "I Can Read" series. I'm suddenly remembering that some of them were the most enchanting little stories, and many had beautiful illustrations. I really wish I still had them. Particularly the Little Bear stories. I also wish I still had my Sweet Pickles books.


I went to buy a new bus pass today, and the woman at the counter asked me if I wanted the Youth pass or the Adult pass. I know I look younger than my age, but come on...

After the blowup of last Thursday, things are better. Still not talked about, but better.

I want a new job. I want a job that has any sort of relevance to my current course of study. Moreso, I want a job that is not in a restaurant. Unfortunately, it's hard to find such a job that will not conflict with being in school again.

I got yelled at by a cop the other night for not having a headlight on my bike.

Last night, Kevin's car broke down, and he wasn't able to make it to Taco Stand for trivia. So I ran the whole show by myself. His wife arranged for the equipment and questions to be dropped off. It sort of sucked. I'm not the greatest at public speaking, and having to speak into the microphone freaked me out. I'm not all witty and crap like Kevin is. And the crowd was sort of crappy...  either way, I got through it. Hopefully next week things will be back to normal.


I should have gotten the Youth pass.

Buggin' out.

I think the dude in charge of advertisement for this company is a little out of touch...

On another note, the good ole' lasts-10-years, uses-less-energy, better-for-the-environment fluorescent bulb currently in my front porch fixture will be given the boot tomorrow. I love that it doesn't burn out. I don't love the number of bugs it attracts. Coming home at night is like walking through a gauntlet of gnats, moths, lacewings, and June bugs. GROSS. But, I could deal with that... the dealbreaker is that it also attracts every wasp in the neighborhood. At night. I walk out and there are 6 huge wasps flying themselves into the light like any Joe Schmoe moth. NO.

forever misunder(standing)(stood)

I have a scanner now. So I thought I'd share my favorite photograph ever. I think this was taken in 1978 or 79. A different era. In a place I haven't seen in years, and I'll never see again. What I love about this photograph is the utter randomness and, well, I can't even think of what else. The burnt-out lightbulb. The open pantry door. The shadow of the phone cord, and the cat that died when I was 9. Anyway... here it is.

 edit: i just though of this... in this photograph, my mother is younger than i am now.

I was all by myself

So, I'm currently finishing up a chicken calzone and a bottle of wine at Transmet. All by myself. I'm going to be TONS of fun in about 30 minutes...

Another late night

Hey, SCT 191... Yeah, you Introduction to Speech... Guess what? YOU CAN KISS MY ASS. That's right. Fuck off. What.

The Autobahn. You know, for ants.

One for the road

I'm writing and posting this blog from the new toy I received at 11am today. Cheers to good credit!


Last Friday, I saw someone commit one of the most entertaining acts of momentary dumbness I've seen in a while. Only because all factors were perfect; down to timing, the people/car involved, and results. Truly a 'Doh!' kind of mistake.
Some woman, with her husband as passenger (probably some new UGA student's parents here for orientation) turned from the westbound lane of Broad Street onto College Avenue. Everyone who lives here knows that this is a big whoops since this means that you are now going the wrong direction on a one-way street. This does happen a lot, and in and of itself isn't that funny. However... everyone who lives here has also seen the road crews digging up the downtown streets all summer to replace the pipes underneath. These crews had just minutes before finished up a section on College Avenue, and had filled it with fresh, wet concrete. So this woman turns onto College, and drives her car right into a foot-deep pit of wet concrete. And her car is no beater; she's driving a brand-spankin'-new Mercedes convertible. A small one. That gets completely stuck in this hole and requires the help of a tow truck to drag it out. And to add insult to injury (since she's already embarrassed as hell because downtown was fairly busy and lots of people saw this, and she has severely damaged a brand new, very expensive car so I'm sure her husband is PISSED- I'd say that counts as an injury), while the tow truck is pulling the car out, one of ACC's finest is issuing her a ticket for driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Welcome to Athens!

Teacher, leave us kids alone.

I think I'm going to redo the red that was in my hair a couple months ago. I'm feeling boring.

Today I had my first test and my first speech. Being a student again is a little weird for me. I am not used to having to get things done by a deadline anymore. The speech I started writing last night, and finished it this morning. I then had two hours between my test and speech class to practice it, and pare it down to fit the time limit. It was only a short speech of introduction, but I HATE public speaking. Also, I wanted to make it seem like I actually read the textbook (which I did) and was trying to apply what I read. Though I was super nervous, I got full credit and one comment my teacher made on my response sheet was "Well prepared and presented!". Awesome.

Another student-type thing that will take a little adaptation from me will be that I am now taking classes that require books, reading, studying, writing papers, and doing homework. Not just playing my clarinet for 6 hours or composing three-part fugues or analyzing scores. Music stuff always came to me much easier than the rest of my general academic rigamerol. Maybe it's because to me music never really was 'work', even when it was (at least for a long time). Oh, except certain parts of theory and history. Not a fan of those so much.

I'm finally feeling like I've got it (or am getting it) together. I'm in a better place than where I've been in a while, and I like it. For once I'm actually a little excited about what the future may bring.

Today I also bought a bus pass... when you add that to my current living situation (alone), my three cats, my sometimes-crotchety demeanor, and my ability to completely hermitize myself, the only thing proving I'm not actually a little old lady is my age itself. Shit. Where's my senior discount card?

The gardenhead knows my name.

Not that much to say, really.

My friend Lindsey was here to visit last weekend and we tore it up. Shitloads of fun were had. She was supposed to be here Thursday, but her flight was cancelled due to weather, and then she overslept and missed her flight on Friday. But made it here around 7pm Friday. I'm still catching up on sleep and stuff. Hope you had a blast! Next up: me in Chicago, maybe this fall sometime. Also, talk of a trip out west.

Classes start on Monday. I am classified as a 'freshman'. Only 15 hours transferred from UGA, but that makes sense considering my degree. Either way, it's going to be interesting. I have pretty much forgotten what it feels like to be a student. I paid for it out-of-pocket this time, but will have to do some serious searching for funds for future quarters.

After next week, my name will be listed at the top of the wait schedule at The Grill. I never, ever thought that would happen. I'd figured I would be long gone by now, both from that infernal restaurant and this sometimes-infernal town. At least I know I have a plan now, and that my name won't still be there in two years (at the absolute, very longest... I hope it's off that piece of paper much sooner).

It can't be your way or no way. I made it clear I was wary and untrusting, but that there is also way too much emotion invested for me to be able to just start completely from the beginning. I need to know where I stand with you, but you refuse to give me an answer. 'Making it work' involves compromise, especially at this point, but stubbornness continues to keep control. So he will sit there and watch me drift away, but do nothing about it no matter how much it kills him. And me. Now I know for sure, at least, that he will never decide, which leaves me to do it for him. No answer is not much different than a negative one.

Couch naps are fucking awesome. But I tend to take too long of a nap when I do, which leaves me all groggy-headed the rest of the evening. Still awesome though.

Fireworks from South Carolina are also awesome.

Ooops! Writing this has caused me to slightly overcook my Totino's frozen pizza. But no matter, because Totino's pizzas are ALWAYS fucking awesome.

I sold my soul for rock and roll and a case of beer.

Loans. Royal pain in the ass. ATC does not participate in the federal student loan program, so that's out. And so far, ATC is also not on any of the 'approved school' lists for any private lenders. Blow. The 'sugardaddy' option is getting more appealing by the minute, considering I still haven't scratched a winning lottery ticket.

Laptops. I have no idea what to look for. Except small. 12-14" (insert childish dick joke here). However, this is contingent on the above.

Hot. Humid. I can't go anywhere without being gross. I sweat, er... rather 'glow' more than the average girl. So you probably shouldn't stand too close to me because I might smell bad. It's better than cold and rainy any day, though.

Yes, that was me standing out in my yard at 2am. And yes, I was in fact watering my grass/weeds/flowers/dirt. What.

Some things just can't be salvaged. Which sucks. Like with those crappy erasable pens (ha, erasable...), the evidence of errors past remains, no matter how hard you try to return to a clean slate. You can't make something work if there is nothing left to work with. All that is left now are the ink smudges and erosion damage from the overused-yet-inadequate eraser.

Oliver is talking to himself again.

Next Thursday! Athens will see the arrival of a super-cool girl. My oldest friend. By oldest, I mean we go back to second grade. Fuck yeah.

Mosquitos can kiss my ass. NOT bite. Kiss. And then kindly bugger off.

Nighty-night, kids.

Time to make this house a home.

I now ALMOST have no reason to leave my house. I have a few more plans, more bricks to dig out, and a desk to exchange at Target (it came broken), but once I get it all finished, I will probably be chilling at home much more often than not. You should come chill too. Because now there is somewhere for you to sit!

Like sands through the hourglass...

After what turned into a shitty night/morning, followed by a shitty shitty day at work (on just a few hours of attempted sleep, no less), and a boring and irritating rehearsal, my day has just made a complete 180.

    I got a call from the deceased landlord's wife, and she said I don't have to move out and she'll bring me a new lease to sign next week. Awesome. I got a letter in the mail from ATC saying I am accepted into the Veterinary Technology program starting this fall. More awesome. I feel like maybe things might start falling into place.

   And honestly, there may even be some good that comes from the shitty events of last night/morning because I made it clear that I wasn't going to stay in limbo much longer. I said we've been doing this back-and-forth for far too long, and that he needs to decide what he wants. Soon. Because I feel that if it's that hard of a decision after all this time, than it just won't ever work. If you still don't know if you want me or not, you probably don't. And if you don't, let it be done with. So yeah, I may not get my way on this one, and it will hurt all over again, but at least I'll be sure of my (emotional) freedom again.
    No good comes from the Grill, though. I can't bullshit myself that much.

Things I Need: 
- a laptop
- a car
- lots and lots o'money. to pay for school-related things. time to research loans.
- a few vaccines. i have to get the rabies vaccine. i DON'T like needles.
- a job. that doesn't blow. nights and weekends.
Things I Want:
- see previous list
- more shit. too much to list probably. and not terribly interesting.

Caramel Ice Cream with Cinnamon Bun Dough and a Caramel Streusel Swirl. Pure genius. Thanks to both Ben and Jerry. And guess what? I'm eating some BEFORE I make dinner. So there.

I will not go shopping today.

I feel like I'm living in a state of suspension right now... like I jumped into a vat of Jell-O right before it was finished setting, and am now hung up somewhere in the middle. Surrounded by a bunch of unknowns and variables. In the case of the Jell-O analogy, the 'unknowns' would be those chunks of unrecognizable fruit most people seem to eat around (whose idea was this? Gelatin salad? No.). I guess the variables would be whether you were getting Red or Green flavored Jell-O today... hmmm. Thinking about it now, I doubt we were getting actual Jell-O. Ahhh... Red-flavored gelatin dessert with fruit chunks; such a staple of the elementary school cafeteria tray.


   Still no final word on the school thing. I'm accepted to the college itself, but am still awaiting acceptance/denial from the program. I should hear something within the next two weeks, but I am impatient. If this doesn't happen, I've got a lot of things to think about. Things I need to stop putting off. Like, you know, life.

I have gotten myself into a little bit of a pickle. Har har... I suppose I'll keep with the theme of this here blog, and use another food analogy to describe my situation:
   You stop at the Golden Panty for a snack, but you've never been in this particular Panty before, so you're not sure if they have what you want. But, you already know that you want the Cheddar Cheese/Pretzel Combos. On the way in, you see the Reese's Pieces up front, so you know you have other options. But before anything else, you want those Combos. You head back to the snack aisle, and:
   (A) They have your Combos! You buy them and get the hell out of there before someone tries to sell you crack or steal your wallet.
   (B) They have Combos, but only the Nacho/Pretzel and the nasty Pizza/Cracker ones. Not exactly what you were looking for, but still Combos. You go ahead and get the N/P ones, but maybe pick up the Reese's Pieces too, for just in case.
   (C) They have the other Combos, or they don't have them at all. You say "Fuck it" and just take your chances with the Reese's Pieces or maybe that Three Musketeers. But you may regret not getting the N/P Combos later. Because after all, what you really wanted was Combos.
   My problem is that I haven't yet made it back to the snack aisle. I'm still standing by the magazine rack, checking out the latest Auto Trader. I can see the Combos section and know the Panty has them, but can't read the packaging to know if they have exactly what I want. I can also see the candy by the register. And now I can't decide what to do. In short, I know I want Combos, but if that can't happen, I don't want to go hungry either.

   I am concerned that there may end up being weirdness with my current house. I've been living here two years already, and had already informed the landlord that as long as they weren't going to raise my rent, I was planning on staying. A week and a half ago, my landlord died. I didn't find this out until this past Tuesday when the new Flagpole came out, and there was a whole page remembrance of him printed. I haven't heard from his wife yet in regards to what they plan on doing with his rental properties, and I don't feel it is appropriate for me to call and bug her with my concerns quite yet, since her concerns are much more important. For now I will wait it out and see. I know they won't screw me over, but damn, does moving suck.
  
Come to the 40 Watt on Saturday. We've (The Dictatortots) got a show.
  
It has been overcast for part of today. I know the radar is clear, but a little rain would be nice. Just a good afternoon shower. I think it's not to be.
  
Time for me to clean my house!  

What is it with cats and boxes?

Crisis averted re: the last blog. Hopefully my quick attention to the matter will override any ill impressions made.

So nice outside. Too bad a large chunk of today will be spent on The Bus going to The Store to buy The Cat

Food.

Ooops. Figures that would happen that way.

New pillows! Now I won't wake up every morning with my bed looking like I've massacred a goose.

I've got a new drawering on my arm. But it's not washing off anytime soon. Thanks Sara! (and Ren, but I didn't have to use yours this time...)

I could really use some dental insurance. And to win the lottery.

That is all.

God's way of telling me to just give up.

Why is it always something? Why can't things go smoothly for me just once? I've done everything I was supposed to do. It's the parts that are mostly out of my control that may just be the wrench in the gears. In short, I might have just gotten F'ed in the A.

Do I cry? Get so hammered I don't think about it? Or just not give a shit about anything anymore? All three fit but I can't decide.

All I know is that I am fucking freaking out right now.

Too far gone?

I couldn't see how this could be a good idea. But I thought I'd give it a shot. It did seem like too much too fast. A little over a week later, I'm already feeling the damage. I must take a few steps back, or everything I've worked for over the past 6 months will go out the window.

Writer's Block

Well, not that I've ever fancied myself any sort of writer. As a matter of fact, I usually only write things when I'm required to do so by some outside force. I'll get to that in a minute. I'm not creative. Or insightful. I blather along, spewing out in readable form the mental diarrhea that occurs every few days. The only reason people read these blogs (not just mine, but blogs in general. At least blogs in general like mine...) is because humans are voyeuristic creatures, and the online/public journal allows them to 'peek in the windows' in a way. Without being labeled a creep, since the invitation to peek is openly extended and the action encouraged. Instead of being a Peeping Tom, you're simply an Audience Member. I am just as 'guilty' (that word doesn't really fit since there can't be guilt involved in an activity that isn't wrong) as the next guy of this type of voyeurism. I enjoy reading even the most mundane of blogs, even those belonging to people I don't know. I can spend hours looking at other peoples' online photo albums. If someone were to invite me into their house just to have a look around, I might take them up on the offer (unless they seemed like the type to toss me down the basement stairs, etc. etc. etc... I try to stay away from those people).

But, my point here is that the online/public journal, blog, whatever, is a SPECTACULAR form of procrastination. I can put off so many things I need to be getting done by either reading or writing these things. And that is what I am doing right now. And now. Yup, still doing it.

The outside force causing me to write something (not this blog, procrastination has caused me to write this, the devil) is Athens Technical College. More specifically, my chosen program of study is responsible. They have two rounds of admissions, and for the second round, I'm required to write a 500 word personal statement detailing my understanding of the job I may have in the future, my previous experience in this field, and why it is I've decided to study this and take this career path. It's a bullshit essay. And it's been so long since I've written something like this, I can't figure out how to start. I need to mail it off to them on Thursday, though, so I guess I better get on it. Blech. Wish me luck.  

My New Career Objective

Goodbye Grill, Hello...

I mean, shit. I have thousands of these things right? And it's no big secret that I sure as hell aren't using them. May as well get paid.



Because you know the eggs of a 5' tall, 26-yr-old pot-smoking alcoholic with only slightly above-average intelligence, a family history of depression and cancer and fuck-upery, and no marketable skills have to be worth a CRAPLOAD!!

poop on a stick

Today at work, my manager was required to confront a customer and ask him "Sir, did you just call your server a bonehead?". This was after said customer had already shown his ass to both me and the manager for no good reason, other than perhaps having some sort of twisted sense of superiority.

    I inadvertantly brought him a fork that hadn't come quite clean in the wash, and rather than just ask me for a clean fork like normal people do, he proceeds to act like a complete jerk in front of his two kids. He basically had the adult equivalent of a temper-tantrum. This culminates in him calling me a bonehead, and me going to the manager and saying that I'm done with them. Mr. Bossman decides to go chat with him (he'd already witnessed a big chunk of this dude's theatrics, and knew that he was of the unreasonable persuasion) and inform him that he is not entitled to go around calling the staff members names. The guy didn't think there was anything wrong with acting like this. Meanwhile, all the other tables around him are staring because yeah, it's pretty funny. The manager tells him to cool it, so Captain Douchebag calls him a bonehead. So the manager tells him to get out. CD responds by calling him a jackass. Stand-up guy, this one was. I hope his kids learn better habits from their mom. I also hope he's embarrassed for getting kicked out of a restaurant for being a dick at 10am. And most of all, I hope that while we were all laughing at him all day, he's been at home stewing over his tainted fork. And that he's still pissed off about it later on tonight when I'm getting dinner and drinking a beer. One thing's for sure; I'd rather be a bonehead than a raging asshole.


I watched the Twilight Criterium yesterday. I didn't really plan on going this year, and only went to watch a particular person race, but once I was there I remembered how neat it is to watch. There was a huge crash at the second turn pretty far into the race. About 70 cyclists went down, and I believe they just had to sort of start over. When the race ended, there was a lot of controversy over who had won.

That particular person is once again trying to become my friend again, even though I've made it very clear why it's just not in the cards right now, even fairly recently. I still am not sure how I feel about this. We've gone a long time without really speaking outside of work, and I was finally healing. But now he's calling me and asking me to hang out and such again. I don't want to reverse what has taken me so long to get past. I don't know what his intentions are, but I am wary of going there again, even as just friends.

But now, I bowl.

floating upon the surface for the birds

I am supposed to be going to Gainesville today for a rehearsal. But the woman I am riding with has not returned my calls, and she was not at CCB rehearsal on Tuesday. So I guess I took a day off work for nothing.

Why is it that the only people (read: guys) who show an interest in me are people with whom I have absolutely NOTHING in common? Which therefore makes me not interested. Plus I suck at the whole flirting/hanging out/dating/whatever thing anyway, so when this situation pops up I tend to just sort of ignore it and hope it goes away. I also tend to never show my own interest in someone (read: a guy), which apparently has caused a lot of people who don't really know me to assume I'm a lesbian. NEWSFLASH: Erin likes guys.

No matter... MySpace advertisements to the rescue! This was the ad posted on my page when I logged in today:

Notice the location...  So that's where all the hot, rich young men have been hiding out!

My backyard is reaching jungle-like proportions. A few weeks ago, I went out there and collected all the dead branches that had fallen from my nasty-ass pecan tree (I hate those things. They aren't pretty and they drop shit constantly whether it be leaves or that stringy crap that gets stuck in your hair or actual pecans or then later the pecan pod thingys and then most of the branches... it never ends) and made a nice little pile of dead wood up against my back fence. First, I thought it would save the landlord a little time when he showed up to mow the yard; second, I want to get one of those firebowl things (because I'm afraid the landlord will freak if I just make a firepit in the yard) and figured that I'd just burn up the branches some nice night. Well, I get home the other day and notice the gate is open. The yard is still knee-high, but all my branches are gone! Duder took my sticks. And didn't cut the grass. Jerk.

Let's have another go at it.

It's official. In July, I will be making a return to the halls of academe. Now I worry about the details like, you know, paying for it. Shit be expensive.

part 2

One day you'll look to see I've gone
For tomorrow may rain so
I'll follow the sun.

Someday you'll know I was the one
But tomorrow may rain so
I'll follow the sun.

And now the time has come
And so my love, I must go
And though I lose a friend
In the end you will know...

One day you'll find that I have gone
But tomorrow may rain so
I'll follow the sun.

art/life

I fly a starship across the universe divide
And when I reach the other side
I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can
Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain
And I'll be back again.

Way over yonder in the minor key

I can't think of a good opening to this right now. Reminds me of my years of writing papers for school... I always had the most trouble with the opening paragraph and the closing paragraph. I suppose waiting until 10 pm the night before due date could have had something to do with it, but strangely enough, my paper-writing methods parallel the way I live. Beginnings are awkward and forced, endings are short and rather inconclusive, often just sort of fading out, and the entire affair is put off until the last possible moment so that the final result is a hastily-assembled sloppy bag o'shit that stresses me out more than it should. This applies to people, work, school, everything.

Someone asked me the other day if I miss text-messaging. What a ridiculous thing to think about! Missing something like that; an intangible, mindless, and unnecessary thing. It's not a hobby, for chrissakes. You miss your old best friend or your long-dead dog or playing the piano or the coin/comic book collection your parents threw away when you went off to college. You know, things that mean a lot to you emotionally. Not text-messaging. Yes, there are times when I would like to use it for simplicity's sake, or even for fun (i.e. sending pictures), but I don't miss it and it's not worth the $0.15 it would now cost to use.

Speaking of text messaging... "Oh, I would have told you we were out, but you said not to text you, and I sent a text telling everyone where we were." Lame.

Still no word from ATC. I hope they get on it. I have things to plan.

My efforts at finding a new 'core' of people to spend my time with seem to be futile. At least in terms of them being anything more than superficial interactions. And I'm also getting the impression that I'm not particularly welcome. I sense a change in atmosphere when I show up. 'No Vacancy', flashes the neon sign.

I'm tempted to just not ever go back. But that's bad for business. I am hoping to be at least cutting back on my hours a little bit in order to try another venture. My contact person is out of town until Monday, so I don't even know the details myself. And I've had more than one false-alert, so I'm not going to get my hopes up (ha, gotta have 'em first) about this. It would be nice for something to work out for once.

When I see a spider outside, I think it's neat. When I see a spider inside, I think it needs to go back outside, but still it's pretty neat.  When something has been poking me in the upper thigh for 20 minutes and in frustration at this little irritation I shake out my jeans leg and a spider (bigger than a quarter) falls out, yeah, then I don't think it's neat.

Good god. I need a jump start.   

All he wanted was a little afternoon snack

I thought I had finally kicked this shit. That would be a 'not quite', good buddy.

WTF was I thinking? Oh, that's right. I wasn't.

Yesterday I went to Pet Supplies Plus to buy cat food/litter. As is always the case when I enter any sort of facility with animals, I have to look at them all because yes, I think they're all cute. So I've already checked out the reptiles and birds and fish, and am now looking at all the rodents. In one cage, there were three large feeder rats, two which were asleep and the third who was just chillin' in the corner, because what else are you going to do to while you wait to be 'invited' to dinner? Anyway, there was also a fly in the cage, and as I was wondering to myself if the rats get annoyed with flies like humans do, the rat sees the fly, watches for a second, then turns and snatches the fly right out of the air with his little rodent-paws, and proceeds to eat the fly alive.

That dandelion may be pretty...

but it's still just a weed.

Today was a day of zero percent productivity. Though it was absolutely beautiful outside and I had things I should have been doing like going to buy cat food, I instead woke up and immediately found myself staring into a deep hole in the ground and then decided I'd rather just sleep all day. So yeah, I got nothing accomplished. That is if you don't count the burning of bridges and destruction of the last remnants of goodwill (if not friendship) between myself and someone I care far too much for. Even though that whole caring sentiment is very one-sided, that is still not the person I want to be. Way to go, me.

For those of you who have my phone number, be advised that I will be cancelling my text messaging capabilities, for a little while at least. Having such a non-commital and non-personal form of communication literally at my fingertips has become a Very Bad Idea. It's getting me into more trouble than it's worth (see above), so away it goes. Also, I have lots and lots of minutes I never use. From now on, if you need to tell me something, call me. If I don't answer, leave a message. Let's take it back to 1999. Shit, maybe I'll just trade in the cellular and get a landline and a pager instead... Thanks, yo.

Back to the deep hole... huh. That's not so PG-sounding. Anyway. After deciding to just sleep all day rather than deal with life, it's dinner time. Hurray for freezing individually-sized packages of chili I made 6 weeks ago! After that, a night out (again) with Martha. I've been going out more often again, and need to stop that. Or at least need to stop drinking so much beer. On more than one occasion recently, beer has taken the place of dinner. But more importantly, I need to stop spending the cash. Also, drinking rarely chases the gloomies away, at least not in the end. But whatever. It's not like I have anything else to do, for lack of wanting to pick any more fights or sever more ties.

How telling that everything in my house, in my existence is individually-portioned. Single-servings. If someone were to come over right now, I couldn't even offer to have a beer with them, because I have only one. I do have a little Kool-aid left, but that's about it. We could share the one bag of potato chips, or split that cookie in half, but in the end it's just not enough to go around.

Making the grade.

1280. Not the greatest but not too shabby either, considering the number of brain cells I've killed off over the past 8 years. I must not have been trying hard enough.

Stuffy. Sneezy. Sleepy. Nope, not dwarves, but how I'm feeling today.
 
Dwarf is one of only three (legitimate) words in the English language that begin with 'DW'. The other two are dwell and dwindle. This obviously doesn't include other forms of these three words, as they are really still the same word. Sorry to say that 'dweeb' also doesn't count because that is considered slang.

St. Johns Wort is making a little difference (to me at least). Enough that I will keep taking it.

The Belle Buster is currently bell-less. Oh where have you gone, lovely trumpet? Did you travel to Mobile with Peelander-Z? Did Guff squirrel you away in their practice space? Or did some fucktard abduct you, only to either brutally assault you or sell you off on the black market? Please come home.

Yay, bike. Not just a porch ornament anymore.

Hey neighbor... you seem like a nice guy. But please don't forget to let your dog in so that he can bark up a storm between the hours of 3am and 4:15am, which is the time I finally managed to get back to sleep. I will say that I was a little concerned and thought about coming over to knock on your door to make sure you weren't dead since you don't usually leave your dog out.

The clarinet will be getting a little more action soon as well. Not only will I continue playing with the good ol' Classic City Band, but I will also begin playing with the Northwinds Symphonic Band in Gainesville. I'm looking forward to playing in a faster-paced ensemble and more challenging repertoire. Now if only the Athens Symphony would realize they need more than two clarinet players. I really miss orchestral playing.
Ugh. Why didn't I go to grad school when I was still good? Oh, yeah. Because the professional music world isn't much different than your standard high school cafeteria. Gossip, back-stabbing, diva mentalities, over-the-top and unnecessary competing for everything... it's all there. Squabbles, cliques, 'the popular kids'. Except that it's all full-grown adults. Yeah, that's a big reason why I gave up on 'legit' music. I decided that wasn't the environment I wanted to be immersed in for the rest of my life.

But I do still really miss it. Three years ago, UC-CCM could've happened. Or UMich. Or Indiana. But not anymore. Not even if I still wanted to.

But if I had gone, where would I be now? Not here, not waiting tables, not so broken, that's for damn sure. Of course, the other side is that now I could be in the military, which is a very common option for fresh-out-of-school kids with music performance degrees. And I doubt I'd be liking that much either.

A couple months ago I filled out an online 'comment card' for Papa John's. I told them they needed a space on their online ordering form where customers could give specific directions to their houses, or even just some landmarks. This is because every time I order pizza it takes them two phone calls from the driver and an hour or more to find my house, which is 5 minutes from the store. I live on a 'closed' street, so it doesn't show up on their maps correctly. All I'd have to be able to tell them would be 'not on your map, 3 blocks down Atlanta Ave on the right' and they should find the place fine. Anyway, today I received a 'please try us again' letter that was actually signed by the district-manager-type and two 'free pizza' coupons. Hell yeah.

Also I found $5 in the pocket of a pair of pants I tried on at Cillie's.

F*ck Capitalization.

it didn't matter then. it doesn't matter now. and it won't matter tomorrow. do 'soul mates' exist? it doesn't appear so. and i sort of hope not, because i don't want to think that i'm so limited in long-term possibilities. but than why have i never been able to form such a connection with anyone else? and why has it destroyed me so when it didn't end up the way i hoped it would? i've had friends come and go my whole life. even very close, long-term friends. and it's never affected me like this. why can't i forget it, get it out of my head, move on, give up? i always thought i was stronger than this. i deserve better and i know it. but what i know and what i still want badly are so very different. incongruent. why did i even try? i knew better. i knew nothing would change for the better. but i ignored that. so i took a chance. and now look where i am. fucking pathetic. and i'm not sure i even want to ever try again. is it worth the trouble? the pain?

of course i know a song that sums it up. because i am unoriginal. i can find a(n already written) song for almost any situation. i probably could express myself better in a mix cd than i ever could in person. anyway... here's the song that's in the mix tonight...

I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
To have you near was all I wanted, just to have you near.
It's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the trees keep growing and the cars keep moving without you there.
And it's funny how you can forget there's a world outside yourself;
where the one who loves you keeps on living without you there.
I never expected you to love me the way I loved you.
                                                         -Azure Ray



in other news... the school thing is now a wait-and-see situation. the application's sent, the transcripts submitted, and the SAT taken (and by the way, after chatting with a few of the other people who were there taking the test, i feel ten times better about my intellectual abilities. these were a few of the people i'm in competition with for a spot in the program. no slight against them; they were nice people, but geez...).
now i'm just waiting for an answer. that's all i'm ever waiting for. an answer.

puke/art/life

What a stupid day. As if seeing the source of my pained heart regularly wasn't enough of a reminder, there has to be some bullshit holiday dedicated to something I've never had. I'll be spending this holiday exactly like I've spent the previous bunch of holidays- doing nothing with mydamnself. Luckily on this holiday the city isn't closed down so I can at least go get some coffee.

"Oh, I know, I know that heart, that wild but grateful heart, gentlemen of the jury! It will bow before your mercy; it thirsts for a great and loving deed, it will be won over and mount upwards. There are souls which, in their limitation, blame the whole world. But subdue such a soul with mercy, show it love, and it will cure its past, for there are many good impulses in it. Such a heart will expand and see that God is merciful and that men are good and just."

My Sponsored Links

These are the links listed in the "Sponsored Links" box on my MySpace homepage. Are these supposed to be aimed at specific individuals? Or are they just random? WTF? Because none of them apply to me. Well, ok. I wasn't going to mention the gout, but...

Are You A Slacker Mom?
15 fun questions that will tell you what type of mom you are.
www.AreYouASlackerMom.com

Arts And Crafts For Kid
Get Arts And Crafts For Kid Info from 14 Search Engines in 1.
info.com/ArtsAndCraftsForKid

God Wants You Well
See What God Has Provided For His Children To Overcome Gout
FaithMeds.com

I Was Sick Of My Fat
I Decided To Try A Diet Alternative That's 100%  Proven & Guaranteed
AlternativeDiscoveries.com

The sound a doggie makes

Run! Quickly! Hurry to the store, stock up on bread and milk and water and batteries (and beer), before they run out! No school tomorrow! University closed! Government buildings shut down! FREAK OUT! Because OMG!!!... it's 40 degrees and raining. Dumbasses.

Also:
   hey i was wondering if u would be interested in being my princess ? cause baby u r absolutley gorgeous and id love to chat with u so hit me up asap thanks alot josh  Jan. 12, 2007

Look familiar? (see a previous post) The SAME Joshua that has sent me two very similar messages. This guy just won't quit. He also just can't be bothered with punctuation or capitalization, or hell, complete words. I mean, who has time for that shit?

Also:
   Hot Chicks. With douchebags. A common occurance. 
and
   Updated every Sunday. A favorite of mine.
and
   So very cute. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
and
    Legos are the best!   
and
   It's me. There has to be at least one link devoted to 'em.

Enjoy!


Heat pads and IcyHot: they're not just for old people anymore.

I want my head to stop hurting. Hopefully the new specs will take care of it. If not, off to another doctor I go. I have deep optic nerves. That means nothing.

Every time I form a scab, you rip it off. Stop it. Though I've already been growing tougher, harder-to-damage scar tissue. Which is probably good. I am caring less and less every day.

I must relearn high school math. I have 21 days to do so.

Movie? More internet time-wasting? Finish this freakin' book I've been reading for ages? Or perhaps I should do laundry and dishes and that sort of domestic crap. Eating is something I need to look into as well. Probably just sleep. Been doing a lot of that lately. Ooops. Nope. Phone just rang. I now have plans!! That doesn't happen very often anymore. Off to Tasty World to see a dear old friend I haven't seen in a while!

And how are you?